Have any of you confronted your undiagnosed ex's about BPD?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I know that it's not a good idea to accuse or tell them the have BPD, but have any of you guys actually done it? If so, what was their reaction? Did any of them come clean and admit the had BPD and were keeping it from you? I believe that my ex may have been diagnosed or something at some point before we were together. I didn't find out about BPD until after we broke up and I went nc. But, she had mentioned so many things about herself during the relationship using BPD terminology when we were together that it was like she know something was up but wouldn't tell me because she thought I would abandon her. Anyone else expirenced  this type behavior?

[BlackandBlue]

I know that it's not a good idea to accuse or tell them the have BPD, but have any of you guys actually done it? If so, what was their reaction? Did any of them come clean and admit the had BPD and were keeping it from you? I believe that my ex may have been diagnosed or something at some point before we were together. I didn't find out about BPD until after we broke up and I went nc. But, she had mentioned so many things about herself during the relationship using BPD terminology when we were together that it was like she know something was up but wouldn't tell me because she thought I would abandon her. Anyone else expirenced  this type behavior?

[valet]

Complete honestly is typically very difficult for a pwBPD, because it involves total intimacy.

It is a trigger for their abandonment fears.

I think that maybe the only situations in which this would occur would be either a.) you have been completely painted black and they want to visibly sever the tie that they have with you themselves, or b.) they are unusually self-aware and have either spent time in therapy already or have pushed themselves so far that they realize they finally might need to talk to someone.

Either way, the result is still the same. The non will most likely carry immense pain for a while, and the pwBPD carries the pain that they always have.

[Yolanda123]

I learned about BPD the week before breaking up. I did not confront my exBPDbf about it. The more I learned, the more I thought it would be useless... .and that the only solution was to end the r/s. I don't believe he has a clear idea of what's going on Inside of him, because he very rarely took any responsibility for the chaos that was our r/s for the last 6 months and his feelings and thoughts were fleeting and constantly changing. In his eyes, I was the liar, the cheater, the conflict initiator. I would ask him: in our one year and a half r/s, did I ever lie to you on anything? He would answer no. He was going through my cell phone regularly and could never find anything because I was totally honest and had nothing to hide, but he saw me as a liar and a cheater anyway, no matter how reassuring and loving I was. Since their feelings = facts I don't see how it would be possible to get through to them to make them see the reality of things, just by talking to them about BPD. I think they might sometimes have moments of lucidity. Although my ex had told me a few times that he had never had similar ''difficulties'' in a r/s, he told me at the end of the r/s ''I've gone through this many times before, I think I might be afraid of love and happiness''... .but I think these lucid thoughts are quickly buried back deep down and they rewrite history to ease the pain, so in these conditions, I think for them to be able to see and admit that they are repeating the same pattern in every r/s is very unlikely. In answer to your question, I did not sense that he knew about BPD and I did not feel like it would have been helpful to confront him about it.

[apollotech]

B&B,

My ex is very intelligent and very aware that she has "issues." I did discuss with my ex, before our relationship terminated, a few BPD characteristics that she was displaying (mainly her engulfment issues which ultimately destroyed the relationship). I never used BPD or Borderline Personality Disorder or mental illness or personality disorder in those discussions because I didn't want to put her on the defensive. She did listen to what I had to say, and she did participate in the discussions. She also believed a lot of what I had to say to be true. Now, here's the most important part of all of this---she never admitted that she had any of the issues that we discussed nor took responsibility for any of her behaviors/actions that would have been associated with those discussed BPD characteristics. If I would have pressed her on the matter, she would have became defensive and struck back or simply disengaged.

I said all of that to say this. Why do you feel that it is your responsibility to inform her of this? What do you hope will happen if you confront her with information regarding BPD? I have asked myself those questions and have not arrived at acceptable answers. Without a doubt, I can get my ex to buy into her having a personality disorder and into therapy. But, why is that my responsibility? Her life works for her. I see the problems with it, but she doesn't.

[Infared]

I did not know about BPD until well after the end of the relationship because I was suffering so acutely that I came across a discussion on the web about BPD and it hit a nerve with what I had been through.  Once I started to research the disorder my personal situation started to make a LOT of sense.  I came across this website which really helpd with my understanding on what I had endured.  There is a wealth of knowledge here and I believe much of it is is very valid and informing.

I have not made any effort to inform my ex about her possible condition. She would not take that kind of info into her awareness from me. In a perfect world, yeah, I care and yes... .I would try to help this person that I loved so deeply... .but it is not a perfect world. Far from it.

I just have to use what I know about the disorder, how it effected my life, what part I had in it and how this information can help me to heal.

As far as I am concerned, after the way I was treated, and the things that were said to me and about me... .her problem is her problem... .let her figure it out. :-)

I do not need to put myself in a position to be mistreated again.  No way.

[BlackandBlue]

I don't plan on telling her apollo tech... .i haven't spoke with her in a year nor do I expect to anytime soon. And like I said, I think she already knows she is borderline... .she was hiding it from me.

[apollotech]

I don't plan on telling her apollo tech... .i haven't spoke with her in a year nor do I expect to anytime soon. And like I said, I think she already knows she is borderline... .she was hiding it from me.

B&B,

I understand. I asked those questions hoping that you could answer them for me, since I cannot answer them for myself. I struggle with this: do I get her into therapy with the hopes of her being able to one day live a life that "I" see as better or do I do nothing as her life seems to be working just fine for her? There is nothing to be gained personally for me by helping her as I do not want a relationship with her. I would be helping a once dear friend, but she's not asking for my help.

[Mutt]

But, she had mentioned so many things about herself during the relationship using BPD terminology when we were together that it was like she know something was up but wouldn't tell me because she thought I would abandon her.

Hi BlackandBlue,

What kind of terminology was she using?

[BlackandBlue]

I tried getting my ex into therapy because I had enough of the constant insecurity on her behalf and accusing me of looking at other women, talking to other women, talking to ex girlfriends, looking at porn etc... .all of which I wasn't doing. It was causing a lot of fighting and I had enough. She agreed to go but backed out the day before her first appointment.

[BlackandBlue]

I don't know if terminology is the right word for it, but she mentioned being in a cycle of bad relationships the always end the badly, has abandonment issues (mentioned in the same conversation), only sees things in black and white, can shut off her feelings for people... .things you often hear about people with BPD she brought them up about herself. She also said her mom who is a psych nurse (I also think this lady is npd/BPD too), told her she thinks she has personality disorder but i didn't think anything of it at the time thou. Didn't know anything about BPD at the time.

[Mutt]

It sounds like at the very least she has self awareness.

[Infared]

I tried getting my ex into therapy because I had enough of the constant insecurity on her behalf and accusing me of looking at other women, talking to other women, talking to ex girlfriends, looking at porn etc... .all of which I wasn't doing. It was causing a lot of fighting and I had enough. She agreed to go but backed out the day before her first appointment.

At the end of my relationship my ex was talking about suicide so I begged her to get some therapy and asked her step mother (the only parent figure that I thought would listen to what I was saying out of concern for her. I knew nothing about BPD at the time.) , to help facilitate finding a T.

She went, to a terrible counselor and told the person lie after lie and basically manipulated the hell out of them and played victim.  Of course no good came often hat.

I found it to be a waste of time to try and convince one of these people to see a problem and seek out help. Standing back now I can say it was a tragic comedy. Truly.

If they do not see a problem and are in enough pain to go for help and sincerely do some work... .I certainly cannot convince them.

[BlackandBlue]

Unfortunately I was the one who attempted suicide because she had broken me down do bad. He constant gaslighting and assusing, constant drama and turmoil in her life ran me into the ground. Instead of trying to help me she actually left me saying I tramatized her. She also said she should be out having fun instead of dealing with someone suicidal  never felt so betrayed

After staying with her through all her problems and trying to help keep everything together that's what I got in return.

[myself]

I had a very similar experience, and also come through it thinking my ex was diagnosed in the past and lied to me about it/keeps it hidden. She used the terms and knew a lot about it. She spoke of seeing therapists who she stopped seeing because they didn't know what they were talking about, were against her, were sick themselves and perverts... .I first heard of BPD when she accused me of being the one who has it, even though the actions she accused me of had been hers not mine. I learned over time to really look at her projections to see what she was both doing and running from, and Borderline-stuff was in there quite a bit. When I looked into BPD, it helped me understand much more of what was going on with us. Not just her, with me too. But the BPD chewed up the relationship and spit it back out. The last time she was saying I was the one with the disorder, I told her I didn't believe so, my therapist didn't believe so, I didn't have a history of things like that and yes believed that she was more likely to be BPD (or... .), and it would be good for her to find some help with it. Which of course she didn't take well/chose not to talk about any more or do anything about.

[BlackandBlue]

I was just stressed to the max! Stressed at work, stressed at home with her, financial stress( she wasn't helping with the rent and bills and was getting behind). She kept saying she was gonna help with the bills soon but she always had an excuse when payday came around. I even helped her pay for her college tuition a few times... .I'll never see that money. I'm finally starting to get out of the debt I accumulated while I was with her.

[FannyB]

I discussed her mum's issues with my ex and said I thought she had BPD. I sent my ex some links about BPD & npd hoping that she would have an epiphany when reading them.  She ended up agreeing that her mum exhibited classic BPD symptoms - and that her ex and 1 child were both npd. She failed to see that the BPD material described her behaviours and relationship patterns to a tee! 

At the end of the day, you can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink!

[chill1986]

My ex realised she was being irrationally angry with me and being mean, she got a book given to her by a friend about it. I saw her read it once, didn't work.

I only realised she had a problem after the break up. Feel a little bit stupid not seeing it before! So obvious when I look back. My mum even commented saying she could be depressed or something along those lines.

Anyway, she wants nothing to do with me now and is quite hostile in her attitude towards me. So I don't think I can talk to her about it, nor is it worth the aggro.

[Gonzalo]

Before I discovered BPD but after she had moved in, I knew that something was off. I pushed for us to go to couples therapy primarily in the hopes that the therapist would figure out what was going on and help fix it, which everyone who's had a pwBPD in couples therapy probably finds darkly hilarious. By the time the relationship fully ended, I knew I was dealing with BPD, and I tried to convince her that the way she responded to things indicated a bigger problem, and that the only way I'd consider staying in the relationship is if she'd admit to the problem and go to therapy to work on it. She, of course, didn't believe me, and accused me of trying to blame my issues on her (yes, she projected projecting).

I'm actually glad that she didn't, even in therapy it takes years to fix serious BPD, and I was falling to pieces, I don't think I could have kept it together for that long. I also think I needed the experience of loving someone, trying to help them, and it not working to really understand deep down that if things with a person look bad, love and hope and wishful thinking don't have magical powers.

[Panda39]

My SO did confront his uBPDxw (she has been diagnosed bipolar and GAD in the past).  She just stared at him in silence.  Silence is always her reaction to the truth when she knows it's the truth... .no snappy "come back" because my SO hit the nail on the head.

My guess is that she has been diagnosed BPD but has kept that to herself.  The whole family my SO, uBPDxw (for awhile) and the daughters all went to therapy in the same practice (each had different therapists).  Both SO and daughters' therapists thought she might have BPD based on her behavior... .hard to imagine the ex's therapist didn't see it too.

Did knowing about it change anything... .no... .uBPDxw is in denial about that and so many other things.

[greenmonkey]

My ex knew she had inherent problems, she said to me in an email 'the only certainty in her life was the fact men in white coats were going to take her away" - she always played the victim and took no responsibility for anything in her life. She told me she was diagnosed with depression, but also bear in mind she is a pathological liar so I was never told the whole story or the truth.

She stated to me in our last conversation that she heard what she wanted to hear and her head turned everything else around. Her recollection of our relationship was totally distorted and it seemed as if we weren't even in the same one - this was due to her painting me black at every opportunity if she did not get what she wanted - mostly money and materialistic gifts, or me standing up to her bullying and manipulation which became more and more frequent.

All the time we were together I suggested counselling and therapy so should could take steps to be in a better place - just like everything it was twisted around and made me look bad.

The sad thing is she has a young son who she walked out on at the age of 3 ish, and she has no interest in his life. She cannot put her son as a priority and look at getting herself better, she would much rather self destruct her life and his - even though she knows she has mental health problems.

It is very sad.

[Pretty Woman]

One time when mine returned wanting to recycle (which we did) I mentioned object consistancy and basically told her I left pictures and notes for her because I know she has a hard time with that.

And she agreed.  She has never told me "No, I am not Borderline". I am pretty positive she knows she has it and chooses not to fix it. She is a BPD that will not change or try to.

[sas1729]

As others have asked rhetorically, what is the point? I remember one interesting comment made by my exBPD's mother. I was visiting with my ex her mother. They got into a heated argument on the street. I simply wandered away politely and waited. When the argument became loud I decided to walk back and try to politely intervene, which I did by gently hugging my ex. We all went to the restaurant anyway, but her mother (when my ex was away briefly at the restaurant) told me, "she should go see somebody [a therapist]". I think my ex's mother knew something was wrong.

That said, I did think about telling her. I even did what someone else here mentioned, which was try to suggest that the two of us go to couples' therapy (in the hopes that the therapist would pick up on it). I never did tell her straight out that she needs to see someone because I am concerned.

Towards the end of the relationship I became secretive about many things. They were things that I do not think should have been a problem: that I ride my bike in the city (dangerous), that I have lunch with my dad (whom she hated), etc. But I also kept and read books about BPD without telling her. After I started to do that part of me knew that things would have to end. I never lied about it because it was never on our radar together, but I felt that I was keeping a secret from her that concerned her directly.

Ultimately I never told her because of two reasons: I wanted to avoid a fight and that I accepted the futility of telling her. Maybe for other pwBPD and in other relationships, hearing from a partner their concern about possible BPD would be helpful. In my case, I was convinced that it would only help to end the relationship. I am glad that I did not tell her though, because I worry that she may have clung on harder to me in the hopes of proving me wrong. But when you get to the point in a relationship that you're keeping a concern from your partner, I think it is basically over. Then it becomes about convenience and not trust, which with a pwBPD is naturally more difficult.

[apollotech]

I think my BPDexgf had either been clinically diagnosed as BPD or had been exposed to the concept that she is a Borderline. She has been diagnosed as Bi-polar and ADHD. (Bi-polar is the most common misdiagnosis for BPD.) The following is very circumstantial, but odd.

I was onto her illness before our relationship terminated. I'd say about a month before walking out of our 8 month relationship. Anyway, I was sitting in the bookstore one night reading, reading SWOE. She called, asked where i was, what I was doing. I told her where I was, what I was doing, and what book I was reading. There were no questions or comments about the the book; although, that is a pretty strange title. Then I told her the subject of the book. Again, no questions or comments, just silence. I find this odd because BPD is definitely not a mainstream issue. It is not well known in the general populace. Shortly after, she changed the subject, and we moved on.

Again, nothing is proven conclusively by this incident. I just find it odd that I was never asked, "What is that book about?" or "What is Borderline Personality Disorder?" or even "Why are you reading that?" Nothing, no questions or comments.

[SummerStorm]

Mine was diagnosed about a week before she went NC with me.  When she called me from the hospital and told me that she had a new diagnosis, BPD, and that I should look it up, I did.  Things started making so much sense.  When I visited her in the psych ward and mentioned that I'd researched it, she asked, ":)oes that sound like me?"  I said it did.  Later, I asked what the next steps are, other than medication.  She gave me a look like, "What do you mean?  Medication will fix it."  It was like she was saying, "I don't want to talk about this.  It isn't that important."  I asked, "Is there therapy or something?"  She said that she would be going to therapy, but I have no idea if it was DBT or just some generic therapy that probably won't do much to help her.  

Honestly, the only thing that she would admit to was a major lie that she told me, but she basically had to tell me, due to other circumstances.  And she told me that the medication would help her be "more consistent."  I really don't know what that was supposed to mean.  I'm pretty sure that she thinks her main problem was that she could never decide between her boyfriend and me.  I don't think she realizes that it goes much deeper than that, that she painted him black when she painted me white, and vice versa.  I don't think she realizes that she raged at me because of her fears of both engulfment and abandonment.  

Back in April, when she started cutting again, she hid it from her mom because she knew her mom would put her in a psych ward, and she didn't think anyone should have the power to make her get help.  A few days later, she came up with this plan to go outside more and get more sun because she thought it would help with her depression.  Of course, she never followed through with that plan and ended up staying inside more and only going out when she wanted to smoke pot.  

When she called me from the hospital, she said that she wanted to get better, but I just really don't see that happening.  She just doesn't seem to want to admit to any serious BPD behaviors, other than cutting.  She is great at avoiding things.  And since she went NC with me, it seems like she's spent most of her time sitting at home.  She has no job.  She's not helping pay rent or bills.  But she does update Facebook and Twitter, and she recently got her hair cut and re-colored.  Notice a pattern here?  If it benefits her, she does it.  If it doesn't benefit her, she avoids it.  Ultimately, she's not going to see therapy as benefiting her because she's going to have to own up to her behaviors.

[SummerStorm]

There were no questions or comments about the the book; although, that is a pretty strange title. Then I told her the subject of the book. Again, no questions or comments, just silence. I find this odd because BPD is definitely not a mainstream issue. It is not well known in the general populace. Shortly after, she changed the subject, and we moved on.

Mine was diagnosed at the hospital, but other than what the doctor probably told her, I don't think she had a complete picture of everything.  I researched it before I visited her in the hospital, and at that point, I'm sure I knew more about it than she did.  After that, I never heard her mention BPD again.  Every single time I spoke to her, it seemed like she was convinced that everything was magically okay, now that she had been diagnosed and given a new medication.  When I would bring up BPD with her boyfriend and try to explain her behaviors or would encourage him to do some research of his own, he would reply, but he would never actually say anything about BPD or really even reply to what I had said. 

At times, it felt like the doctor and I were the only two people who actually wanted to address the fact that she has BPD. 

I don't even know everything about her, but I was able to check off 8 of the 9 BPD characteristics from the DSM, I've seen mirroring, projecting, raging, fear of engulfment, fear of abandonment, risky sexual behavior, reckless driving, substance abuse, impulsivity, self-harm, and suicide attempts, and a doctor diagnosed her, so it's pretty clear that she has it.  This isn't just me thinking that she has it.   

[acidQ]

I hope I don't ever have to confront her about that. She was diagnosed during childhood and has been in denial about it (or lying, who knows) so she probably would freak out beyond my imagination if I brought that up. Still, I've been thinking that if she ever contacts me again and continues the inhumane blame storming, I might not be able to control myself and not say anything.

[apollotech]

I hope I don't ever have to confront her about that. She was diagnosed during childhood and has been in denial about it (or lying, who knows) so she probably would freak out beyond my imagination if I brought that up. Still, I've been thinking that if she ever contacts me again and continues the inhumane blame storming, I might not be able to control myself and not say anything.

I'd question the fact that the diagnosis was given during her childhood. BPD behavior is considered to be "normal" behavior during childhood, so the diagnosis cannot be made during that period. (Perhaps this too was a lie?)

[acidQ]

I'd question the fact that the diagnosis was given during her childhood. BPD behavior is considered to be "normal" behavior during childhood, so the diagnosis cannot be made during that period. (Perhaps this too was a lie?)

Oh sorry, I forgot to clarify that she wasn't diagnosed BPD, she was diagnosed to have "a serious personality disorder". But I also found that odd since I've read that children are rarely diagnosed to have a PD.

[apollotech]

I hope I don't ever have to confront her about that. She was diagnosed during childhood and has been in denial about it (or lying, who knows) so she probably would freak out beyond my imagination if I brought that up. Still, I've been thinking that if she ever contacts me again and continues the inhumane blame storming, I might not be able to control myself and not say anything.

I'd question the fact that the diagnosis was given during her childhood. BPD behavior is considered to be "normal" behavior during childhood, so the diagnosis cannot be made during that period. (Perhaps this too was a lie?)

From what I know about BPD... the disorder manifests itself in childhood from deep childhood emotional trauma.  That was the case with my pwBPD.

BPD rears its ugly head when the hormones hit and sexual relationships start.  Right?  Then we see the damage from the earlier trauma.

From what I have read in the professional literature, the base for the BPD complex is established before the age of 3. Nature/nurture/whatever, the die is cast.

The diagnosis cannot be made during childhood because BPD behavior is normal during that time. We go through that in developing our own autonomous self. We detach from our care giver(s) and become our own individual person. At this stage, during the childhood period, you can't distinguish between a child with BPD issues and a healthy child because they both are expressing the same behaviors/characteristics. In essence, all of us were BPD at one point in our lives; it was normal. For BPDs, something went afoul as they never developed an autonomous self (herein lies the "attachment" disorder). Hence, they are stuck at an infantile emotional maturity with an incomplete self. This is the root of the abandonment and engulfment problem.

That is how I understand it. I am not a professional, and my understanding is certainly open to error.

[ppb2la]

Yes, I did.

A quick back story- r/s over 5 months and he broke up with me 11 times.

I realized after about a month that he had both BPD and NPD though he never mentioned either. He did tell me he had OCD as I had shared with him that I had been diagnosed with that as well as depression. During the r/s he mentioned that he didn't want me to know all of the bad stuff early on in case I wouldn't want to be with him. At another point he said he had had a nervous breakdown or perhaps several. Towards the end, he divulged that he has been in therapy for quite some time. He said that he mirrors other people's weaknesses, failures to them! Listening to some of the jargon, I knew he had to be discussing something with the therapist though it seemed he was switching it around to try to make himself look good. I had met him on a dating site and had noticed quite a spiel on his original profile about anyone having NPD to pass him on. Sort of ironic considering that he has NPD.

After the 11th breakup which was caused over the fact that I lit a candle in my own home, I sent him an email confronting him with the fact that he has both BPD and NPD and that he needs to get help; that his quality of life would improve etc. I again reiterated that I had not accepted the OCD diagnosis well when I was told a long time back, but in the end I did and sought help professionally. I didn't want him to think I was being preachy.

I then went NC- partly because I was afraid of the fall-out and also because after 11 break-ups, I felt that I couldn't handle the emotional roller coaster anymore. About two weeks later I saw a new pic on his online dating profile where he looked really thin, worn out and sad. I broke NC and tried to call him from my cell but it went to vm. Then I called him from my landline and he picked up. I felt awkward and just said my name and he promptly broke up. I was and am concerned about him because he looked so bad. I am back now to trying to remain NC.

Like many on here, I still feel a lot of love for him and am just praying for him for now as there is nothing left for me to do. He has so much going for himself and is his own worst enemy. So sad.