On and Off for 6 years

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello dear reader,

I'm very grateful that I discovered this forum and I've been reading it through in the last couple of days - thank you for this great supportive system you have established!

SO, let me briefly introduce my story - I'm 37 and in a long term relationship (6yrs) with an undiagnosed BPD girlfriend but we are both talking about a possibility of BPD now for almost 2 years. On good days of course  I'm a undiagnosed caretaker and this makes a 'perfect' toxic combination... .sadly!

Even though I've read about BPD/caretaker relationships a lot in last 2 years I somehow always fail to transform theory into practice. I must admit that I was addicted to marihuana for a decade that negatively effect on my personal growth but from September 2014 I finally managed to beat up my addiction and since then I try to approach my relationship issues in a different way. No more crying game like I used to... .I started to take responsibility for my emotions when she is raging. But still before I come to my clear mind and accept that her raging behaviour (screaming and shouting at me, calling me the worst person in the world... .etc) comes form her BPD I still snap for some minutes - though this time is becoming shorter and shorter. BTW we have constant fights twice per month.

However the pain in this split seconds is enormous so I played her game for a while. Last time we had one of our fights about her extreme emotions and me being guilty... .etc she refused to go on a special event that we planned for a long time and it was very important for our future relationship (even though she wanted to go) and I got scared again that this is our future to be - fights twice per month for the whole life. I snapped and said to her it's over between us.

Huh, quickly I realised that I tricked myself again and then I stopped being involved in the raging discussion we had afterwards... .the next day it was my birthday and she took a day off (beforehand) planning to spend a nice day with me (birthdays are very important to me!) but of course this didn't happen... .she stayed in bed for the whole day (as usual) and I went to spend a day on the beach by myself.  I was deeply hurt. In this state I managed to text her that I hope she finds peace once and I sent her love. Got back overflow of raging texts... .and I snapped again - I said I have enough of this and I never meant to hurt her (as she claims) and never will but my patience has come to an end and I have enough of this.

I have double thoughts about my relationship for quiet some time now... .the hurt side says that I should just quit and leave but the brain side wants to stay and put more energy into improving. She also assigned herself for therapy and is in the middle of the diagnosis process. Mr Right says I should stay! I would also like to find a therapist for myself because I really need to find out what is keeping me so long in this toxic relationship... .Of course is the magic we have on good days and then my ability to ignore the bad days... .but I really want to go deep down into my soul and get to know myself better!

Any comment of advise is very much appreciated! Especially on how do you cope with your emotions when your BPD partner is raging against you... .how do you try not to make things even worse... .

THNXX 

[AfterTheRainComesSun]

Hello dear reader,

I'm very grateful that I discovered this forum and I've been reading it through in the last couple of days - thank you for this great supportive system you have established!

SO, let me briefly introduce my story - I'm 37 and in a long term relationship (6yrs) with an undiagnosed BPD girlfriend but we are both talking about a possibility of BPD now for almost 2 years. On good days of course  I'm a undiagnosed caretaker and this makes a 'perfect' toxic combination... .sadly!

Even though I've read about BPD/caretaker relationships a lot in last 2 years I somehow always fail to transform theory into practice. I must admit that I was addicted to marihuana for a decade that negatively effect on my personal growth but from September 2014 I finally managed to beat up my addiction and since then I try to approach my relationship issues in a different way. No more crying game like I used to... .I started to take responsibility for my emotions when she is raging. But still before I come to my clear mind and accept that her raging behaviour (screaming and shouting at me, calling me the worst person in the world... .etc) comes form her BPD I still snap for some minutes - though this time is becoming shorter and shorter. BTW we have constant fights twice per month.

However the pain in this split seconds is enormous so I played her game for a while. Last time we had one of our fights about her extreme emotions and me being guilty... .etc she refused to go on a special event that we planned for a long time and it was very important for our future relationship (even though she wanted to go) and I got scared again that this is our future to be - fights twice per month for the whole life. I snapped and said to her it's over between us.

Huh, quickly I realised that I tricked myself again and then I stopped being involved in the raging discussion we had afterwards... .the next day it was my birthday and she took a day off (beforehand) planning to spend a nice day with me (birthdays are very important to me!) but of course this didn't happen... .she stayed in bed for the whole day (as usual) and I went to spend a day on the beach by myself.  I was deeply hurt. In this state I managed to text her that I hope she finds peace once and I sent her love. Got back overflow of raging texts... .and I snapped again - I said I have enough of this and I never meant to hurt her (as she claims) and never will but my patience has come to an end and I have enough of this.

I have double thoughts about my relationship for quiet some time now... .the hurt side says that I should just quit and leave but the brain side wants to stay and put more energy into improving. She also assigned herself for therapy and is in the middle of the diagnosis process. Mr Right says I should stay! I would also like to find a therapist for myself because I really need to find out what is keeping me so long in this toxic relationship... .Of course is the magic we have on good days and then my ability to ignore the bad days... .but I really want to go deep down into my soul and get to know myself better!

Any comment of advise is very much appreciated! Especially on how do you cope with your emotions when your BPD partner is raging against you... .how do you try not to make things even worse... .

THNXX 

[Mutt]

Hi weischna,



I'm happy to hear that you quit your addiction and have a new lease in life. I can understand how frustrating that would be when your relationship is on and off for 6 years.

It's good news that she is seeing a T and that you want to do some work on yourself. I think it helps to learn as much about the disorder to depersonalize the behaviors, seeing a T will help tremendously with a support group like bpdfamily.

I can relate with constant fights and the terrible feelings associated with that. I think you will find this short video helpful.

A 3 Minute Lesson on Ending Conflict

Do you have kids?

How's your support network with family and friends?


----Mutt

[Loosestrife]

Hi w

Pin sorry your going through this. A lot of your post resonated with me. I agree with Mutt. Getting therapy for yourself is the best course of action you can take. How are things at the moment with your gf?

L

[AfterTheRainComesSun]

Hi Mutt,

Thanx for a reply and your support!

We don't have kids yet but we are planning to have them for a long time... .actually we are just in the middle of the insemination process at the clinic and in the last fight she refused to go with me to the clinic... .and that she is quiting this idea of having kids with me... .you know how this goes, I'm only ovulating once per month and have one special day for insemination... .and imagine that we just have a fight on this day... .impossible to concieve... .but I went anyways by myself and she was even more angry... .coz I know when she comes back to the reality she would agree with that decision. However, I also started to doubt that having kids with her is a good idea... .not healthy to bring kids in this relationship at all... .well, there's always a chance we would improve and build more stable and healthier connection in the future... .I don't know anymore! I'm also slowly aproaching a non fertile period in my life, she's very much aware of this... .and all this preassure is making her even more furious... .in the last months we usualy fight around the days of insemination... .huh!

About the support from my firends... .I managed to hide our problems so far and we also moved to another country... .but I seriously started to think it would be better to open up... .I did talk to my friend form my home country via internet but somehow she managed to go through these messages and it was even worse... .I should be more carefull with this but its really hard for me becouse I'm too honest and eventually I tell her everything eventhough I try to hide from the first place... .So, probabably I should hide this forum and profile form her as well - what do you think of this?

What therapy or therapist do you suggest for me?

THNX

[AfterTheRainComesSun]

Hi Loosestrife,

thanx for your support!

Yeah this fight is still going on... .she is playing cold but we managed to talk about the technical stuff... .usually we start to discuss the past after this and she needs to let it all out again but in not so agressive manner as before... .she might even try to quit the relationship and come up with a plan how to do it in a very serious manner... .then later the day she jumps on me and hugs me and... .we are back on track  it's a routine

Im getting stronger and stronger in this process... .but I'd also like to know how do you manage to show support and love during the raging period without hurting yourself... .meaning, not taking the backfire too personal but still send love... .huh... .thats the most difficult part for me... .and sometimes I just got a feeling of pushing her back and screaming back to her... .I said to her it's over between us twice already  and once we were actually phisically pushing and pulling each other... .like kids fight... .guess I really need therapy soon!

btw she is in the middle of a diagnosis and is having a second screening soon, hopefully she is not boycoting this... .will keep you posted!

thnxxx

[AfterTheRainComesSun]

Hey guys,

it's me again... .I'm totally down again... .not much happened in-between but more and more I read these stories of yours the more I'm figuring out that I don't want to put up with this pain anymore... .

I'm too weak for this manipulations of hers... .she also had a very bed childhood and her mom is a manipulative masterpiece... .so she's been monthly paying her (living alone on a pension) 300 - 400e, plus bought her an apartment and a new car. Just recently she stopped doing this and managed to say no, afterwards her mom didn't want to talk to her for half a year. Her mom used all kind of manipulations etc. So, this summer we visited her mom and she managed not to give her any money. I was proud. But then we were discussing this later and she said it was great that I was using my bank card all the time while with her mother so her mother could think that I took our finances in my hands and I was the reason that she is not getting her monthly money dose. Somehow I got confused and for a second i felt played by her again, so I asked her if that was her intention. Boom! A HUGE fight with not wanting to listen to my story... .so today I finally managed to explain that I got scared coz I felt tricked before by her, therefore I asked her this question... .but she won't listen to me and keep on saying that I accused her and I put her down. That I always put her down and manipulate with her... .standard twisting away her story (and in between the fight I actually said that she might really put me up with this while visiting her mom - I said that out of my anger) she of course cursed me, sent me to go ___ a guy, called me ___... .etc. And now she is clinging on my anger expression statement, while forgetting her own words... .vomitin on me for 3 days... .

I honestly can't put up with this anymore. Sincerely I think that there must be another person for me in this world and I don't need being constantly put down by her - twice per month for more than six years now. I seriously started to think about my involvement in this r/s and WHY am I here... .I need to find this out coz this is my second BPD r/s (I've been dating a much worse BPD more than 10 years ago but it was a long distance one so not much anger, just a huge abuse after I tried to leave her... .so I had to block her number and report her to the police)... .

WHY WHY WHY do I need to learn all these techniques and try to walk on the egg shelfs... .and all I got is anger, anger and anger... .when I need her to do sth for me, she hardly does it... .sometimes she punishes me coz she did sth that she didn't wanted... .only coz I wanted... .so I don't ask her anymore... .AND this is becoming pointless... .I need a person beside me... .I'm also imperfect and have my own mistakes... .which are never understood and she ALWAYS makes fun of them eventually - when she feels angry at me... .that's it, I can't go on like this anymore... .these good moments are slowly floating away... .and pain is too big! Guilt is the only thing keeping me with her... .

Sorry for my long desperate letters... .I'm becoming really ___ed up... .or was this always somewhere below my surface and she just brought it up... .?

Can you relate to that? Anyone?

thnxxx

[Loosestrife]

Hi W

My r/s didn't work out so not sure I'm the best person to advise. Words that helped me recently are:

":)o you know who you are?

Do you know how you got here?

Do you want to live your life like this?"

It's pretty serious if you are physically pushing each other as this can become the norm and easily escalate. I would stop participating in the drama and take some time out to do nice things with other people who are nonBPD to regain done perspective. I personally think that anyone who chooses to stay in a r/s with a BPD has their own issues or ends up with some quite soon after being in the r/s.

I found the 'stop care taking book' useful too.

L

[AfterTheRainComesSun]

Hey L,

Do you mean the book from Margalis Fjelstad? I've purchesed it a few months ago and it is very useful!

So, who am I? Yes, for sure I'm a big caretaker... .and my past proves this as well with a lot of relations with people with problems... .trying to help them... .and putting myself on a side... .because I don't know who am I. I'm really puzzling with this question for some time now!

How I got her? Good question! There might be many reasons and I would need a deep therapy to help me discover the real reson... .but so far: my father was a big caretaker as well, also a big adviser, sometimes also a pushy one... .like his way is the best  then I had this painful period in my eary 20s, repressing my sexual orientation, trying to fit into heteronormativity... .but just got depressed... .went to therapy got pills and boom after 1 month came out of the closet  became an activist and since then all of my relationships involved women having bigger problems than I had, usually coming from broken families... .and they needed my help... .or at least I though they they needed it... .So, a series of caretaking, helping... .advising... .being superior somehow maybe because I managed to break my depression or so... .looks like other's problems attract me... .

Do I want to continue living like this? That's easy to answer: definatelly NO! After I managed to break my marihuana addiction last September I started slowwly to apreciate my life, my time, my free time, myself... .I want to find my true self, fullfill myself and stop re-filling on the expense of my caretaking or being adored by BPD! So, these are very nice words... .how to reach them it's another story!

So, yes, thanxs for sharing these questions! I think it is a very important start