I went back to abusive BPD husband. Feeling so stupid. Need your support.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi guys,

I am feeling very alone today, and need your support. You guys are all I have. I went back to my abusive BPD husband. For the second time. I feel so weak and stupid. I can't believe I'm one of "those" women. I used to say I would never allow a man to abuse me. Now all I want is out again.

I could say that I went back because perhaps I have codependency issues, or Stockholm Syndrome. I could say that I went back because I believe in love, and that a stupid song on the radio made me think that this love was worth saving. I could say that staying at my friend's house triggered me, as her husband is also somewhat abusive to her. None of these things, however, are good enough reasons.

I thought maybe he didn't really have BPD. I thought maybe if he did, he deserved all my mercy and forgiveness because he suffers from such a heartbreaking disorder. I thought that maybe I was focusing on all his faults while ignoring my own. I am not perfect. I have many flaws and things I need to work on. I thought maybe this time he would go to therapy, or a doctor, or church. I thought maybe love would prevail.

I was going to start a blog. An abuse log. So I don't forget who I am and why I want to leave. It's like in the movies, where the person has to repeat their name, or else they will forget who they are and lose themselves. Many things I will never forget, but there are some traumas that remain hidden until they bubble up to the surface. Like when he pulled my hair. Or when he threw a tantrum at the store because he wanted clothes and I wanted to pay rent. I never started the blog.

How quickly I remembered why I left. How I can't say anything because it can and will be used against me later. How I learned to reduce my speech to short sentences of agreement and acknowledgment. I can't talk about much of anything, no matter how innocent, without being mocked or derided for it later. He's like an emotional burn victim that is unknowingly burning my skin off, too. It's all so very sad.

I am used to the name-calling, mocking, and violent rages. He hasn't raged like he used to since I went back. No broken lamps, chairs, or pictures. But he hasn't changed. He punched himself in the head when he was angry. He refused to wear a condom (at first) and seemed to enjoy my pleading for him to stop. He puts me down and calls me names. I haven't been called the really bad names for a week or so. But it's okay for him to call me "little idiot" or "dummy" because he's being sweet and hugging me when he says it. The stupid cycle is happening again. This week the tension has been building. I hate this part. He's been drinking more, and is bored and agitated. I am waiting for the next episode. I don't know if it will be directed at me, or released by him getting drunk at the bar and trying to drive home without getting pulled over.

The most unsettling part is his preternatural ability to talk about something I was just thinking about. He has an uncanny ability to bring up those things to me later. Mocking me, word-for-word, for the secret fear I never expressed. Talking about the very thought I had earlier in the day. Bringing up a private conversation I had with a trusted colleague, outside the home, when he wasn't there (and refuting our conclusion!). I will not break the rules here by saying he is being influenced by evil. I will say that I have done many google searches for "BPD and demons".

I don't know how to leave. I have nowhere to go. I am willing to go to a shelter, in fact I think it would be better for me to recover at a shelter, in a safe and unknown place. He found out where I was before, at my friend and family members' homes. He will look there again. Staying at a shelter in another city, one that provides therapy and counseling, sounds wonderful. But how do I leave again? It's not like he's physically assaulting me anymore. He's not even screaming like he used to. He would not understand, and then he would snap. The last two times, I left when he was gone, to avoid a violent meltdown. I can't do that again. It just reinforced his abandonment fears. I have to face him this time. I just don't know how. Do I tell him I'm sick, crazy, need help? Make it more about me? Even though I've escaped before, it feels impossible.

[spacemadness]

Hi guys,

I am feeling very alone today, and need your support. You guys are all I have. I went back to my abusive BPD husband. For the second time. I feel so weak and stupid. I can't believe I'm one of "those" women. I used to say I would never allow a man to abuse me. Now all I want is out again.

I could say that I went back because perhaps I have codependency issues, or Stockholm Syndrome. I could say that I went back because I believe in love, and that a stupid song on the radio made me think that this love was worth saving. I could say that staying at my friend's house triggered me, as her husband is also somewhat abusive to her. None of these things, however, are good enough reasons.

I thought maybe he didn't really have BPD. I thought maybe if he did, he deserved all my mercy and forgiveness because he suffers from such a heartbreaking disorder. I thought that maybe I was focusing on all his faults while ignoring my own. I am not perfect. I have many flaws and things I need to work on. I thought maybe this time he would go to therapy, or a doctor, or church. I thought maybe love would prevail.

I was going to start a blog. An abuse log. So I don't forget who I am and why I want to leave. It's like in the movies, where the person has to repeat their name, or else they will forget who they are and lose themselves. Many things I will never forget, but there are some traumas that remain hidden until they bubble up to the surface. Like when he pulled my hair. Or when he threw a tantrum at the store because he wanted clothes and I wanted to pay rent. I never started the blog.

How quickly I remembered why I left. How I can't say anything because it can and will be used against me later. How I learned to reduce my speech to short sentences of agreement and acknowledgment. I can't talk about much of anything, no matter how innocent, without being mocked or derided for it later. He's like an emotional burn victim that is unknowingly burning my skin off, too. It's all so very sad.

I am used to the name-calling, mocking, and violent rages. He hasn't raged like he used to since I went back. No broken lamps, chairs, or pictures. But he hasn't changed. He punched himself in the head when he was angry. He refused to wear a condom (at first) and seemed to enjoy my pleading for him to stop. He puts me down and calls me names. I haven't been called the really bad names for a week or so. But it's okay for him to call me "little idiot" or "dummy" because he's being sweet and hugging me when he says it. The stupid cycle is happening again. This week the tension has been building. I hate this part. He's been drinking more, and is bored and agitated. I am waiting for the next episode. I don't know if it will be directed at me, or released by him getting drunk at the bar and trying to drive home without getting pulled over.

The most unsettling part is his preternatural ability to talk about something I was just thinking about. He has an uncanny ability to bring up those things to me later. Mocking me, word-for-word, for the secret fear I never expressed. Talking about the very thought I had earlier in the day. Bringing up a private conversation I had with a trusted colleague, outside the home, when he wasn't there (and refuting our conclusion!). I will not break the rules here by saying he is being influenced by evil. I will say that I have done many google searches for "BPD and demons".

I don't know how to leave. I have nowhere to go. I am willing to go to a shelter, in fact I think it would be better for me to recover at a shelter, in a safe and unknown place. He found out where I was before, at my friend and family members' homes. He will look there again. Staying at a shelter in another city, one that provides therapy and counseling, sounds wonderful. But how do I leave again? It's not like he's physically assaulting me anymore. He's not even screaming like he used to. He would not understand, and then he would snap. The last two times, I left when he was gone, to avoid a violent meltdown. I can't do that again. It just reinforced his abandonment fears. I have to face him this time. I just don't know how. Do I tell him I'm sick, crazy, need help? Make it more about me? Even though I've escaped before, it feels impossible.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

spacemadness,

I am so sorry you are going through this. It's not uncommon to return to an abusive household. Even though it may not be to the level of violence it was before, it still sounds like you aren't safe. And he found you when you were staying with a friend and your family. Can you reach out, even anonymously to a local help line? They can guide you appropriately, and help you develop a plan. I sent you some local resources by PM. Please keep us updated on what's going on!

Turkish

[cloudten]

OH my gosh... .I am so sorry for everything that you are going through. I will pray for you that you will find your way out.  YOU ARE NOT STUPID. THIS HAPPENS TO SMART, GOOD PEOPLE! I felt exactly the way you do.

I had a friend of mine (a psychiatrist actually) tell me to start to drift, if that makes any sense. Just become more emotionally unavailable, physically unavailable... .pretend to be crazy or depressed if you have to. It will start the detachment.

I cannot tell you how many times I thought my xbf was possessed by the devil. Literally different voice and mannerisms. I could see it coming 3 weeks ahead of time. So I know precisely what you are talking about.

Start developing an exit plan. Have all of your possessions in a safe retrievable place. You probably need a trusted friend. But definitely reach out to a shelter. Get that all arranged. The tools on this forum are great for planning your next steps. I don't know what a shelter would say about facing him... .but if you have any concern over your safety... .don't bother.

YOU NEED TO PROTECT YOU FIRST. You need to protect your physical, emotional, mental, and financial safety.  It sounds like you need to get out asap. I wouldn't wait for the stuff to hit the fan. I did- and it was awful.

I hope you were able to use the resources Turkish provided. HUGS! We are here for you!

[Kwamina]

Hi spacemadness

Hi guys,

I am feeling very alone today, and need your support. You guys are all I have. I went back to my abusive BPD husband. For the second time.

The dynamics of abusive relationships might seem simple on the surface but are in fact very complex and many people know how difficult it is to truly extricate yourself from them. I am very sorry that you find yourself in an abusive environment again but I am glad that you've remembered about bpdfamily and  have come back here for support and advice.

I thought maybe if he did, he deserved all my mercy and forgiveness because he suffers from such a heartbreaking disorder. I thought that maybe I was focusing on all his faults while ignoring my own. I am not perfect. I have many flaws and things I need to work on. I thought maybe this time he would go to therapy, or a doctor, or church. I thought maybe love would prevail.

To me this shows that you aren't weak but that you have a big heart and even after all you been through still had hope that things could be different some day.

BPD is a difficult disorder and if the person doesn't acknowledge his issues and is unwilling to work on them, things will unfortunately likely remain difficult. The abusive behavior you describe in your post is very disturbing. To help you assess your current safety situation, I strongly encourage you to take a look at a document we have here called 'Safety First': Safety First

I also encourage you to keep posting here. Like cloudten said, we are here for you. Take care

[lbjnltx]

Hello spacemadness,

I'm so sorry that you are in this situation and don't feel safe!

I know it may seem counterintuitive to be on the Staying Board as you are looking for a way to exit the relationship.  The Staying board members have high skill levels in dealing with a Borderline partner and will help you plan for a safe exit from the relationship.  There are things you can do to minimize conflict and better protect yourself.

lbjnltx

[formflier]

 

spacemadness,

I'm glad you have found us... .  we can help you sort things out.

Having a good safety/escape plan may help you feel more confident to use some tools that you learn from this site into practice.

I wish you the best and will following your posts in the future.

FF

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, if you done any reading on this board, and I think you have, you have also read stories where people stay, and it gets better. Heck, I'm one of them. I read a lot of those stories before BPDh walked out on me, and it was those type stories that gave me hope. Now, I won't lie and say I had much hope, because BPDh seems an extreme case to me, but I had "some" hope. I see exactly why you stayed, and also why you are now having all these fears. I've had a lot of them. I always knew I wanted to stay, and work things out, but I can fully see why some people have to leave, or choose not to live this life with a BPD partner.

I wouldn't worry so much about how HE is going to feel if you leave. You need to do what is best for you, whether that is staying or leaving. Leaving doesn't even have to mean forever. BPDh and I were separated and I'd filed for divorce after he left, and all my begging didn't bring him back. He's still upset and indignant that I filed. I mean, how dare I move on! I should just be devastated that I can't be abused daily, and put down, or put up with his mood swings and rage? Not so much. I was sad, but I'll be the first to admit there was peace, and healing during that time. I realized just how much I'd been putting up with, and just how far my boundaries had sunk, just to protect myself.

I wish my BPDh could have stayed and worked through all this WITH me, but for some reason he couldn't, and it did lead to him getting the help he needed. I was suicidal for a time, two years ago, due to all the abuse, but I got my butt in T, and climbed my way out. MY LIFE was too precious to let his anger and negativity, and crazy behaviors ruin it. It was a turning point for me, and I'll never give him that much power to hurt me again, EVER.

We still have "issues", and he just so nicely reminded me when I was praising him in T, but they are minor compared to what was our past daily lives. There is hope for your situation, but YOU can only do so much, and maybe you need to work on getting YOU better first, as  you were smart enough to suggest.

I love the movie The Help, and it helps me to remember the line from it(pun intended : "You is kind. You is smart. You is important". YOU are all that, and more.

Hugs.

[Daniell85]

Horrible, I have seen that weird thing some people get and it looks like something creeped out from a dark place and jumped into the body of a loved one.

At this point, don't abandon yourself in the process of worrying about abandoning him. Being safe, feeling safe is really important. 

[spacemadness]

Thank you all for your kind words, and thank you for moving this to the correct board.  I am reading through all the resources and documents here.

I have learned from leaving him the last two times how to pack all my essentials and leave while he's gone. I actually still have an unpacked bag in the closet, just in case. I will need to somehow use a different phone if I call a shelter, because I am on his mom's family plan. The last time I left, she looked up my call history and told him I called a local DV hotline and shelter. And his aunt, who works for police dispatch, looked up all the recent addresses of my friend, which is how he found her house. Is that even legal?

It's weird, trying to figure out whether to stay or go. As soon as I start to think maybe I will stay, he does something to remind me why I left. I never quite trust him. I'm sort of always expecting him to start screaming in my face and breaking things. I think I have PTSD. Many times I have intrusive thoughts, nightmares, and I'm always jumpy. I should have mentioned that in the past, he has put his hands around my throat (twice), pinned me down to the floor, pushed me, threw water in my face, etc. He also likes to make me to go to the bar with him, then call me a whore and accuse me of wanting to cheat with some random guy there. He also followed me to therapy and accused me of cheating. That was why I left the last time. It really scared me.

I have read on these boards, and others, that many people think their BPD spouse is possessed during a rage episode. It's both comforting and horrifying to know that I am not the only one who has wondered. I know he has past abuse trauma from home and school, and his parents' divorce played a role too. I know that his brain may not be functioning properly, and that specialized therapy would help. And yet I still wonder what is looking back at me sometimes. His eyes grow dark, his face is twisted. Sometimes he growls. Everyone looks scary when they rage, I suppose. The way he comes home and repeats back my private thoughts is really what makes me wonder. I'm not Catholic, but I prayed over some water one night and sprinkled it on his pillow to see if he would start growling when he laid down (nothing happened). Haha! It sounds so silly now.

I would really like to try a separation, so I can work on myself and he can work on himself, if he so chooses. I think it would help me get my life more in focus. It would also show if he is serious about staying with me and getting help, or if he just wants to continue getting drunk, smoking weed, and pretending that nothing is wrong. The hard part is talking to him. He will rage and possibly turn violent if I tell him this. I just don't know how to talk about anything serious without triggering him. It's hard enough to talk about normal, everyday things.

Oh before I forget, I didn't really know what detaching was, but I just sort of instinctively did it. From the end of 2014 until around April. It enraged him, and caused him to accuse me of cheating.

[Turkish]

I hear you on the detaching thing. pwBPD fear abandonment. When she ended our r/s,, mine told me, "you abandoned me! It felt just like my father!" Though my situation wasn't nearly as critical as yours, I realized at the time that she was right, even though I detached to protect myself emotionally, and for there reasons I won't go into. Have you seen this?

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/fruzzetti_cp.pdf

[borderdude]

I use drifting myself, slowly fading. As in all addiction treatment , do not tell the left what the right hand does. You are trying to fill a hole , with drama and abuse because we develop an addiction towards it, witch will only make it worse. We mistake that feelings with love and wanna fix the person, but you really wanna fix a part in your self. You must treat this repeating pattern or else you might replay it with a new person, it does not matter anyway, all you experience is your self at any point.


By interacting with sick ppl , we are getting sick and helping they to get even sicker. Do you really think it helps the sick person to have other persons with problems around?

I believe you cannot give that person anything else than boundaries, and it starts by putting boundaries on yourself, and teaching it.

The teaching means leaving the person, if he do not conform to the boundaries you set for yourself.

[lbjnltx]

Hi spacemadness,

I'm glad that you are reading the info here to help you reduce conflict while you develop your exit strategy.

Have you read this info yet?  Particularly the second part of the article that gives you actionable info on how to begin the process of detaching:

No Contact, The Right way and the Wrong Way

lbj

[spacemadness]

Thanks again for all the helpful replies. Just knowing that I am not alone helps immensely. I read all the links you shared, and have been reading over various articles here for several months.

I'm at the point right now where deep down, past any fleeting surface emotions telling me to stay or go, I know that this relationship is unhealthy and damaging. I just don't know how to leave. Because the level of violence is not what it used to be. He would not understand why I am leaving. He did scream at me the other day, first thing in the morning. Then said I wasn't allowed to go to the store (I went anyway). Then was all smiles and happy when I came back.

Disengaging causes him to scream at me and accuse me of cheating. Some days, I can't even clean the house without him cursing me and accusing me of being "shady". I don't want to destroy him by saying "You're abusive and it's not healthy to be around you anymore". I am seriously considering telling him that I'm crazy and I'm hearing voices and I need to get help so I don't hurt myself. I don't know what else to say.

[formflier]

 

Spacemadness,

Hey... what would this look like for you if you put a lot more emphasis on your feelings and less on his?

Does he have to understand why you stay... .or leave?  As long as you are clear to yourself about it?

Last thought for now.  If you modified you statement about the r/s being unhealthy and said "right now" after that... .how would that change your outlook on things?

FF