Rough couple days - plus he contacted me

[cloudten]

So I have had a rough couple days.

To top it off... .he emailed me just now which prompted me to post this now.

Last night I went out with an old friend in philadelphia. Apparently now that my BPD and I are over, my friend wants to be more than friends. I wasnt expecting this as we had been friends for twenty plus years. He made moves on me that were on the edge of assault or rape because he didn't stop when I asked him to. I explained that I just cant be involved like that with anyone right now. He didn't really respect that. I ended up having to leave. So train wreck that I am... .I left, partially still drunk, wander the streets of Philadelphia at 530 am with no shoes, a dead cell phone, trying to find the train station like a lost country bumpkin that I am.

I started sobbing on a park bench. What an crappy emotional week. I was crying because I miss my BPDx. He never would have done that to me... .despite the many other things he did to me. He never raped me or came even close.

I cant believe my old "friend" did that to me. I miss my xbf.

So when I got home and got my phone charged, I found that my ex had emailed me saying that he missed me.

He has since apologized via a friend who sent me his text message.

I am so conflicted, exhausted, hurt about my "friend" did to me, hurt that my BPDx lied to me and cheated on me.

I seriously need serenity and zen. I want to run away from everything.

[joeramabeme]

So I have had a rough couple days.

To top it off... .he emailed me just now which prompted me to post this now.

Last night I went out with an old friend in philadelphia. Apparently now that my BPD and I are over, my friend wants to be more than friends. I wasnt expecting this as we had been friends for twenty plus years. He made moves on me that were on the edge of assault or rape because he didn't stop when I asked him to. I explained that I just cant be involved like that with anyone right now. He didn't really respect that. I ended up having to leave. So train wreck that I am... .I left, partially still drunk, wander the streets of Philadelphia at 530 am with no shoes, a dead cell phone, trying to find the train station like a lost country bumpkin that I am.

I started sobbing on a park bench. What an crappy emotional week. I was crying because I miss my BPDx. He never would have done that to me... .despite the many other things he did to me. He never raped me or came even close.

I cant believe my old "friend" did that to me. I miss my xbf.

So when I got home and got my phone charged, I found that my ex had emailed me saying that he missed me.

He has since apologized via a friend who sent me his text message.

I am so conflicted, exhausted, hurt about my "friend" did to me, hurt that my BPDx lied to me and cheated on me.

I seriously need serenity and zen. I want to run away from everything.

CloudTen, that sounds like it has been rough.  Are you doing anything to try and decompress from the stress?

It sounds like you exbf has some confusion about everything as well.  What was the reason for your b/u?

[Mutt]

Hi cloudten,

I'm sending you a lot of these  

What a terrible week! Your ex raged at you last Saturday weekend and now this. I can see how lost, hurt and exhausting all of this would be when a friend of 20 years was on the verge of rape when you're emotionally distraught. I'm so sorry.

I can understand wanting to be in a place of serenity and Zen and I do believe you'll get there and need kindness. Don't be hard on yourself, I don't think that you're a train wreck, you've had a terrible week, things that we're not in control of.

Why do you view yourself as a train wreck?

[cloudten]

One of my few remaining friends (female thank god) called me a walking train wreck the other night. It made me feel awful because I know it's my BPDx that has made me this way or at least appear this way. I feel like he has made me crazy. I dont think I am naturally a dramatic person. I think I am pretty laid back and rarional.

The rages and lies were what made me leave. The rage in front of my daughter was inexcusable. And since then one more irrational rage and lies about him going out with other girls. I went NC on Tuesday (easily), and today is my first received contact from him. I am not going to lie. I want to respond. I miss him. Especially after last night.

I have to believe I can get there to a place of peace and serenity and relax again. I have to believe it is possible. Maybe I need to just be very alone for a while. I obviously cannot be friends with men. And I only have 1 local female friend at the moment. I have some older friends and family that live far away... .and they will certainly support me.  But I am lost. I cant believe my "old friend" did that to me. He has know the details of everything that has happened to me with the BPDx. I trusted him.

I guess I can't trust anybody. 

[Mutt]

I get it. I have a female friend that I'm very close to and we share things that we haven't told anyone else. We trust each other. I can understand how terrible and frustrating that feels when someone breaks that trust.

I can also understand missing our ex partners and feeling like we've become someone we're not. We can regain control, and no contact helps with putting a buffer to stop the bleeding and taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture. It gives us space and time to heal and you will gradually feel like your old self again. I can relate, I felt like I had become a former shadow of the person that I was and I felt like I was going crazy. I was an emotional caretaker for someone that suffered from mental illness, had cognitive distortions and would alter reality so much so, that I would almost believe her. She also projected her feelings of self loathing, anxieties and insecurities. I felt horrible.

Minimal contact helped me with stopping the bleeding, detaching and healing. I am sorry that your friend did this and I can see how that would feel like you can't trust anyone and not everyone cannot not be trusted and will treat this way. It has to hurt deeply when you've known this person for two decades.

[cloudten]

Thanks Mutt... .you are always so validating. 

Validation. Regardless of the r/s or lack thereof, is something I definitely need to work on.

Ironically my "old friend" has the most darling little Pug like your picture.

I think it hurts too that I went to this friend at a time when I was trying really really hard to do the right thing in the aftermath of the ending of the BPD relationship. If i had any inkling it would have happened the way it happened, i wouldnt have gone to hang out with my old friend. I was trying to be with friends who were supportive at a time when I needed that support.  That blew up in my face... .and I think that was part of the reason for my breakdown... .I was trying so hard to recover the "right" way (ok- we did drink- maybe that wasn't the right thing to do, but it had never been a problem previously)... .and the "right" way hurt me even more.

[cloudten]

Obviously there is something very very very wrong with my relationship radar. I dont pick the right people to surround myself with. This will be something to explore in therapy.