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Author Topic: 1.5 months post breakup, a few questions and confusions  (Read 1084 times)
hellogoodbye2424

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« on: July 09, 2015, 12:52:32 PM »

Hi all - bear with me as this will be long and I'm sure there will be pieces I miss, but we started dating about a year and a half ago.  So the course of the relationship was 1 year 5 months.  She broke up with me several times during the course of our relationship, and before breaking up, around months 2-3 she had started threatening to break up and that it might not work.  I always let her come back, but I found that it was odd that she never apologized for what had happened between us, and usually blamed everything on me.

I got her a job at the place I used to work right around the time we started dating.  I left that job about 8 months into the year for a much better job and a few months later she was fired from that place.  During her time there, she claims she was sexually harassed by a guy that worked there - I'm not sure if I 100% believe this anymore, but at the time I did... .  He almost ended up getting fired and it was a huge deal and really stressed me out.

The first time I truly had thoughts that we were not going to work and that I needed to end things was about November.  She was living in my apartment with me and wasn't contributing much, but at least she was contributing something.  She ended up signing a lease to move in with her sister and didn't even talk to me about it.  Most people would say that's completely over the line and disrespectful, etc, etc... .  But she claimed that she tried to talk to me about it and I wouldn't listen to her / got too upset.  Anyways, this caused a breakup and a lot of fighting... and her relationship with her sister became really strained too.

We got back together yet again, and right around this time she was fired from my old company.  Well, she went off the deep end that day and got super drunk and was belligerent at my apartment that night.  I asked her to leave and she hit me in the ear with a closed fist.  Well, a few days go by and we talk about that ... .  She never really apologized about it and I felt like I was pulling teeth to get her to say sorry.  What she did say was "that will never happen again, i promise you that".   After this the pattern continued, about a month or two goes by and then there's some terrible argument and she would blame it on me and not take responsibility.

The final fight she woke me up at around 4:00 am after a long day of work, laughing at a video on her phone.  I woke up and said hey, please  keep it down i'm really tired and trying to sleep.  5 seconds later she started laughing again even louder.  So I rolled over and tried to close my eyes again.  There's a blinding light in my face because she's trying to now show me the video.  I brushed the phone away and it slipped out of her hand, flying across the room.  She then says she's going to leave and turns on all lights and goes into the bathroom.  I follow her in there and tell her she needs to leave now.  She takes my electric razor and throws it in the toilet.  So I grabbed her and set her outside my apartment and locked the door.

So again she broke up with me only to try and get me back a week later, saying "i have stockholm syndrome" or whatever.  Stupidly I hang out with her and we talked about it and again she cannot say sorry for anything that happened that night and that I was completely to blame because I "physically assaulted" her.  I agree I should not have picked her up and put her outside my apartment, but I did not inflict any harm on her nor left any marks or physical damage... .  Anyways... .  To the final breakup:

About a week later I found on her phone she had planned a trip to visit an old fling of hers in mexico during the week we broke up... .  haha.   So I called her on it and she was like "obviously I'm not going if i'm with you".  A few days later we went out to dinner and she starts off by saying "so I can't really back out of the mexico trip... .I kind of told my sister we would go and it would really let her down... ."  This was so painful to hear, once again, but this was the first time that I broke up with her... .  I tried explaining why I wasn't cool with it and she claimed that I was too controlling and jealous and didn't have enough trust for her... .  (see how she turned it around on me again)

Also I think I should mention - In the last few months of our relationship she had been texting a guy at work a lot and it was definitely concerning me so I voiced my concerns, and she said he was goofy and not interested in him at all.  One day she said she even needed to stop talking to him because he had a crush on her... .  but did she?  Nope, but she made it clear to me that she needed to stop... .   A month after our breakup she is now dating him and he lives in my apartment complex.  I saw her car here and called her out on it and she had this new guy get on her phone and talk ___ to me... .  get this... .he said maybe you can retain your girlfriend next time if you don't physically abuse her... .  so I just wanted to see what you all thought about this.  and to be clear my ex wasn't diagnosed with BPD but it's really the only thing that's making sense to me as to why all of this happened the way it did.
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soar
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« Reply #1 on: July 09, 2015, 02:32:20 PM »

It sounds like BPD to me. My ex was exactly the same in regarding to not having the ability to apologise, it was f*cking awful. And of course, my ex blamed everything on me, it was horrible and ridiculous. Also the fact that she made you out to be horrible to her new bf, that's classic stuff for BPD. I do wonder if she made her ex-boyfriend's out to be horrible to you at the start of your relationship also?
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hellogoodbye2424

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« Reply #2 on: July 09, 2015, 02:57:11 PM »

YES!  I forgot to mention that, all of her exes are terrible people according to her.  Her first ex of 7 years punched her in the face and is bi-polar.  She told me this within a few weeks of knowing each other.
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soar
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« Reply #3 on: July 09, 2015, 03:10:48 PM »

Another thing that I'd suspect is that she seemed wonderful during the first few months of your relationship but then slowly but surely became unpleasant?
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hellogoodbye2424

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« Reply #4 on: July 09, 2015, 03:18:10 PM »

Yes, and I would tell her that when she was in a good mood and acting sweet she was the best person to be around, and I really did feel that way... .but when she was in a bad mood or stressed or whatever, she was pretty awful to be around.  The thing that bothered me the most is that she can't take responsibility for anything.

To further add to the backstory - one of her sisters has cancer and she refuses to speak with this sister ( i still don't fully comprehend why), her dad is the biggest jerk I've ever met (first time we met he told me that she was an angry drunk and had problems)... .  And on top of all that, she has a second sister who her dad had with another woman... .when this sister turned 18 she sued their family and I guess her dad/mom had to dump a lot of their shared 401k to pay the years of child support.  So there is plenty of disfunction in her life as is.
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soar
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« Reply #5 on: July 09, 2015, 03:25:31 PM »

Yeah that was the most devasting thing for me. There is seemingly so much potential there for something amazing but it's just temporary, maybe even an illusion. The fact is you cannot have a sustainable relationship with someone who has BPD, I'm sure you will see your ex's new fella go exactly the same way you did...

Yeah the fact that they can't take responsibility is heartbreaking, you end up taking absolutely everything on your shoulders. It's no life for anyone.

It's pretty standard for people with BPD to have people in their life who they 'don't talk to' as far as I'm concerned. My ex has cut no end of people off, including me and it was excruciatingly painful. I really believed she cared and apprecaited me but that's the big tragedy in all these BPD relationships.
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hellogoodbye2424

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« Reply #6 on: July 09, 2015, 04:29:22 PM »

Yeah, logically speaking I don't see it working with the new guy for a number of reasons... .  it would definitely suck if they ended up happy and married, but it's pretty doubtful that will happen.  And to clarify what I mean by that... .  I don't wish for her to be unhappy, it would just be a bad feeling seeing them work out over the long-term because it would imply things about me.
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soar
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« Reply #7 on: July 09, 2015, 04:52:45 PM »

Yeah I understand. We all struggle with doubts. "Is she not actually BPD?"

But the truth is... .you will know. From what you read, if alarm bells are constantly going off. You'll know. And in turn you'll know that there's 0% chance of a happy relationship for your ex unfortunately for her. It's actually a really sad thing.
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JohnLove
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« Reply #8 on: July 09, 2015, 05:08:36 PM »

Hellogoodbye2424, the not taking responsibility for themselves is as you say, really really awful. Your story sounds like a page out right of the BPD playbook. My armchair diagnosis says that there was little you could do... .because it wasn't you.

When others are filling in the "missing" parts of your story that's pretty disturbing don't you think?... .almost like pwBPD are reading from a script. In this pathology there are many common elements on a sliding scale. I would encourage you to read "How a BPD relationship evolves" on this site as well as anything else you may stumble across... .it will help you to make some sense out of senseless.

Yeah, logically speaking I don't see it working with the new guy for a number of reasons... . it would definitely suck if they ended up happy and married, but it's pretty doubtful that will happen.  And to clarify what I mean by that... . I don't wish for her to be unhappy, it would just be a bad feeling seeing them work out over the long-term because it would imply things about me.

They may well end up married, and that may even happen pretty darn quickly, but happiness or rather married bliss is well... .there is a very good reason for this website.

Whether or not you feel the length of their "relationship" implies anything about you. You have fear and guilt right there and from your story you also felt obligated. That fun little trio is entitled FOG for a reason. It is manipulation. It can be difficult to see past initially (and many people remain in this state). That's why it's called FOG.

You have your own issues. I have no doubt in that. Did they cause the demise of the relationship? It doesn't sound like it apart from you standing up for yourself.

You looking after you. Keep that up.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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hellogoodbye2424

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« Reply #9 on: July 09, 2015, 06:42:12 PM »

Soar and John, thank you so much for your replies.  What resonated with me in that "how a BPD relationship evolves" article was the specific mention of the "hater" coming out when you least expect such as a birthday or anniversary...   Both of those events were ruined and then referenced as ammo in every argument we had after... .  How I had ruined those events... .  If anyone else has any input or advice please let me know.
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SummerStorm
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« Reply #10 on: July 09, 2015, 09:09:35 PM »

It sounds like BPD to me. My ex was exactly the same in regarding to not having the ability to apologise, it was f*cking awful. And of course, my ex blamed everything on me, it was horrible and ridiculous. Also the fact that she made you out to be horrible to her new bf, that's classic stuff for BPD. I do wonder if she made her ex-boyfriend's out to be horrible to you at the start of your relationship also?

Mine talked in her sleep, and I once heard her say, "I apologize."  I mentioned it to her, and she said,  "Well, I rarely apologize, so keep it in your pocket for a time when I should say it."

It took a few weeks,  but she has painted me black and convinced her boyfriend that I'm the one with the problem.
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So when will this end it goes on and on/Over and over and over again/Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop/Till I step down from this for good - Lifehouse "Sick Cycle Carousel"
SummerStorm
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« Reply #11 on: July 09, 2015, 09:16:27 PM »

YES!  I forgot to mention that, all of her exes are terrible people according to her.  Her first ex of 7 years punched her in the face and is bi-polar.  She told me this within a few weeks of knowing each other.

Yep.  Mine had an ex who supposedly bashed her head into a wall. Another stalked her after she broke up with him.  Yet another one threw a lamp and broke it.  A fourth one packed up and left her with no explanation.

The icing on the cake is that she told me her current boyfriend hit her.  She never thought I'd talk to him, but when she was in the hospital, he took her phone and kept me updated. There is no way he ever hit her.  I really think this is why she cut me out of her life.   I was her backup,  but I discovered her lies,  so she discarded me and will look for a new backup,  one who doesn't know her like I do.
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So when will this end it goes on and on/Over and over and over again/Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop/Till I step down from this for good - Lifehouse "Sick Cycle Carousel"
SummerStorm
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« Reply #12 on: July 09, 2015, 09:21:54 PM »

Yeah that was the most devasting thing for me. There is seemingly so much potential there for something amazing but it's just temporary, maybe even an illusion. The fact is you cannot have a sustainable relationship with someone who has BPD, I'm sure you will see your ex's new fella go exactly the same way you did...

Yeah the fact that they can't take responsibility is heartbreaking, you end up taking absolutely everything on your shoulders. It's no life for anyone.

It's pretty standard for people with BPD to have people in their life who they 'don't talk to' as far as I'm concerned. My ex has cut no end of people off, including me and it was excruciatingly painful. I really believed she cared and apprecaited me but that's the big tragedy in all these BPD relationships.

A month before mine cut me off, she cut off her father. And in the past, she's gone months without talking to her mother. Two days before mine cut me off, she told me a letter I sent her was sweet.  The day before she cut me off, she asked me if I wanted to hang out with her that weekend.
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So when will this end it goes on and on/Over and over and over again/Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop/Till I step down from this for good - Lifehouse "Sick Cycle Carousel"
SummerStorm
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« Reply #13 on: July 09, 2015, 09:30:37 PM »

Yeah, logically speaking I don't see it working with the new guy for a number of reasons... .  it would definitely suck if they ended up happy and married, but it's pretty doubtful that will happen.  And to clarify what I mean by that... .  I don't wish for her to be unhappy, it would just be a bad feeling seeing them work out over the long-term because it would imply things about me.

I think we all have this feeling at some point.  My pwBPD's boyfriend posted on Facebook about her being wife material.  But two weeks ago, he told me that he isn't sure if the relationship will work.  I do know that they are moving out of their current place in two months.  It will be interesting to see if that actually happens, and if it does, how long it lasts.  Back in May and early June, she was raging at him regularly and tried to get physical with him.   Now, she's been going back and forth between the two extremes.  A few weeks ago, she was all about him.   Then,  she started raging again.  Most recently,  she's been love-bombing him.
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So when will this end it goes on and on/Over and over and over again/Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop/Till I step down from this for good - Lifehouse "Sick Cycle Carousel"
eves

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« Reply #14 on: July 18, 2015, 03:41:35 PM »

Dear Hello!

Gosh your story sounds like mine: my bf and childhood fren of 20yrs dumped me in italy. NC 50+days... .i almost killed myself first week,Not once has he said sorry, he was always judging me and saying bad stuff about me... .saying I'm a liar when I've never lied to him or cheated.

Im not sure if BPDs are sick or liars or hypocrites but even when i caught him cheating he refused to admit it and i had crazy evidence!then quickly change the topoic, twisted and blamed me on everything and then blocked me to hide from the truth. told me no contact with my ex (and I accepted but chatted with his ex whole 2 yrs together! never once congratulated me when I closed a sale... .would break up with me then fly overseas... .

Though he abandoned me overseas and i didn't have money he didn't give 2 shats about it. yes I got physical and now he's telling everyone Im a monster, ( i dont they believe me and he doesn't have much friends anyway).

we are lucky they cheated and left. it was 20 months being so in love and it was pure hell too.
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hellogoodbye2424

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« Reply #15 on: July 20, 2015, 03:48:19 PM »

Hi Eves and SummerStorm,

Thanks for your replies!  I thought I'd hop back on after a few weeks and give a few updates.  I'm still going strong with no contact since the incident where the replacement started texting me and accusing me of physically abusing her.  A few weird things have happened though - her name still is on my lease so we received an email about renter's insurance or something (which I have provided coverage for) and she called me while I was at work and then emailed me "I'll gladly be taken off your lease, what do you want me to do about this?"  Of course I didn't pick up her phone call, nor did I respond to her email.  Just kind of weird that she's all of the sudden interested in getting off the lease out of the blue.


So it gets better... .  Like I said, her replacement lives where I live and this weekend I went to the pool with a small group of friends.  A couple girls (one of which I'm currently seeing) and my buddy and his girlfriend.  It was a pool party and her replacement shows up a group of other dudes (like 10 bros) early on, and I didn't say anything to him nor did he to me.  We were both minding our own business.  The pool got more and more packed and I'm not sure when but my friend told me my ex was there... .which honestly didn't really make me feel bad or anything, just more like my space was being invaded... .  almost seems like at this point she is deliberately doing things to see me or mess with me.  We stayed for another hour or so and I remember as I was leaving she stared at me for a good 5 minutes, grinning and making like flirty faces towards me (nothing mean or taunting) but she definitely saw I was there with some other girls having a good time and I wish I felt nothing but I just feel disrespected still.  It was pretty momentary but I guess the moral of the story is to stay away from own apartment for the time being as she is pretty much going to be there at all times.


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