Threatening suicide and no one will help

[Ndrew3]

I feel helpless.

Yesterday I discovered all the lies, the stealing (thousands of dollars), and the manipulation. I absolutely know that I need to leave this relationship and I've told her that.

So this morning after I left for work she threatened suicide. I called her mom and we took her in to a clinic. I told them she started to get out a bunch of Advil and take it before I stopped her. I removed all pills and knives from the apartment. We told them she's attempted suicide before with pills, long before I'd ever met her.

So they talked with her, came out and told us she was "much calmer now" and that there was some glitch with her insurance. They were just releasing her. It didn't take 10 steps outside for her to start berating her mom horribly and asking to go back home. Nothing changed. They probably don't care because of her insurance.

I feel so betrayed by everything, I tried so hard to never invalidate her feelings, to never blame anything on BPD. And now that's exactly what she's doing. All the lies and stealing are because of this illness, she says.

I know I need to disconnect from her but I still love and care about her immensely. Even though I know it wouldn't be my fault if she did anything, I would never forgive myself if she did anything. She has an appointment to go back in in a few hours and maybe something will come out of that but I doubt it. What do I do? Should I just stay with a friend and not contact her? If no one else will help her what's left to do? She's built up this image of me as her entire life and refuses to live without me. I'm totally lost.

[Ndrew3]

I'm almost jealous of the people I read through here who's BPD exes left them. It's the most screwed up thing to say but I see no way out. No path to a clear conscience. I can't be a crutch anymore to someone who's betrayed me in so many ways. She knows who's she's done to me is wrong. She's even said that me leaving is thr right thing to do, in her moments of clarity. But the assumption with that is that she'll just kill herself. I've told her that would only be the hardest thing for me.

[joeramabeme]

I'm almost jealous of the people I read through here who's BPD exes left them. It's the most screwed up thing to say but I see no way out. No path to a clear conscience. I can't be a crutch anymore to someone who's betrayed me in so many ways. She knows who's she's done to me is wrong. She's even said that me leaving is thr right thing to do, in her moments of clarity. But the assumption with that is that she'll just kill herself. I've told her that would only be the hardest thing for me.

Ndrew3, this must be extraordinarily difficult for you.  Are you able to see where you are not at fault for her disorder?  She may have you thinking that you are responsible but are you really? 

There is a way out of where you are at even though at the moment it feels impossible.  I can remember that deep sinking dreadful feeling that I was the cause of all the misery.  It takes on a life of its own and pulls us down.  But I can tell you that the feeling is just that, a feeling.  Based on what you are saying, your feelings are pretty intense at the moment.  Do you have a therapist that you work with? 

How long have you been with your pw BPD? 

[Ndrew3]

I know it's not my fault, but can I just leave her to kill herself?

And no, I don't have a therapist. At this point I really just care about getting her help. She's insistent that I should just forget about her and let her kill herself.

[Mutt]

Hi Ndrew3,



I would like to join Joe and welcome you. I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. I can I understand how distressing that would feel if a partner threatens suicide. Here's an article that will help with dealing with suicide threats when a loved one suffers from BPD.

TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

I've see two camps, members that have their loved ones often split them black and not hear from them for weeks, months, years and sometimes decades. Other members have difficulty leaving because of the emotional crises with their partners that has to pull on the heartstrings. I agree with Joe there is hope.

So they talked with her, came out and told us she was "much calmer now"

We're also not trained professionals to deal with SI? It sounds like your mom did the right thing with going to the clinic and getting her help. She's emotionally blackmailing you she she says that you should forget about her. I can understand the guilty feelings that would trigger.

Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

Do you have kids? How are you coping through this crisis?

[Ndrew3]

No we don't, but we have an apartment together and she really has nowhere else to go.

It seems she mainly just feels that she's tried so long to change and feels she hasn't. She does t want to go on just hurting everyone.

[Mutt]

What does she mean she's tried so long to change? Is she diagnosed with BPD?

Was she struggling with therapy?

[Ndrew3]

Yes, she's diagnosed and in therapy.

And I appreciate the link you've shared, however everything is made more difficult as I feel j should be separating from her whereas most of the tips suggest things I'd need to be there for.

And I don't think she's been struggling with therapy, but she's based her entire well-being on me despite lying and deceiving me.

[Mutt]

I feel helpless.

Yesterday I discovered all the lies, the stealing (thousands of dollars), and the manipulation. I absolutely know that I need to leave this relationship and I've told her that.

You feel helpless and stuck? She's saying that tried so long to change and can't?

What are your values and their threshold? I have certain morals and values with boundaries and a boundary is cheating, emotional and physical affairs and I can't trust a partner if a line has been crossed. That's my personal boundaries and everyone has different morales, values and boundaries.

What has she been lying about?


Joe asked if you where in T, where you and your partner in couple's counselling and are going through T separately? I understand she has hers.

[Ndrew3]

She lied about her father's death (he's alive). She lied about stealing my credit card. She told her mom she was 20-weeks pregnant and that I went to sonograms with her (she isn't).

I'm not sure I understand what you mean by values and thresholds. She just promised me she'll speak to her therapist before doing anything, I don't know if that's to be believed.

And no, I'm not in T and We'd talked about me joining her before but never did.

[Mutt]

I can understand how stressful that would be to want to leave and feel helpless. It sounds like you have confusion. You feel like you should stay because that's what you heard. It's your choice if you want to stay and work on your r/s and learn the tools.

Are you done? You can also choose to step back and look at the bigger picture to sort through your feelings. I think we have choices.

What I mean by values and thresholds, where do you draw the line when someone pushes your boundaries?

She lied about her father death, stole your credit card and lied, lied to your mom about being pregnant.

Has she crossed a personal boundary? Do you want to stay because you want to help her get better with BPD or accept her for who she is and love her?

[Ndrew3]

Sorry if I posted in the wrong area but I've actually decided to leave, not stay. I appreciate your help.

Last night I went and stayed with my sister, not before being confronted with all sorts of threats though. In the end, they were all empty and I can really see the way I've been subtly manipulated for months. She won't admit to stealing other CC's I've had but I know those were her too. Too many coincidences for it to not be.

I think maybe her reactions were due to the shock of breaking up and what that meant. She seems to have accepted it more now and we're moving forward with decisions about the apartment, the dog, etc.

I'm sorry if I seemed angry or short before, but these last 2 days were the most stressful/hurtful in my life.

It's interesting thinking back to when she first told me about her diagnosis, researching and reading through all of the horror stories and instead just researching how I could help, how I could be the best partner possible. Yet here I am, with a horror story of my own. Mainly I just feel sadness that while I can eventually move on from this hurt, she may never be able to change and knows it herself. I'll enter into relationships with so much more caution now, however long it may take me to trust someone like that again.

[Mutt]

Hi Ndrew3,

Welcome back. You posted in the right area, I wanted to make sure that you were done.

I understand feeling angry, dissapointed and distressed. I didn't take it personally, many members arrive here feeling hurt and that there's no hope. We're here to help.

It's interesting thinking back to when she first told me about her diagnosis, researching and reading through all of the horror stories and instead just researching how I could help, how I could be the best partner possible. Yet here I am, with a horror story of my own. Mainly I just feel sadness that while I can eventually move on from this hurt, she may never be able to change and knows it herself. I'll enter into relationships with so much more caution now, however long it may take me to trust someone like that again.

I think that we do the best that we can with what we know at the time. BPD isn't our fault. I can understand feeling sad and hurt. She may change or she may not, only time will tell.

I also understand the hyper-vigilant feelings and being cautious about trusting someone else. We can heal from these wounds and have peace again.


Hang in there.


----Mutt