Handling Bullies

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have a question about bullying.  When setting boundaries (in a civil manner) for several months proves to be ineffective, is it appropriate to verbally push back to establish a stronger boundary?  I unleashed on a bully.  I became harsh toward him verbally shredding him with the truth about his bullying and that I wouldn't tolerate it any longer.  What surprised me is he became silent when I was verbally harsh and assertive with him.  I didn't want to take that action, however, he didn't take seriously my setting boundaries in a civil manner.  I was tired of being bullied, I felt angry about the continued bullying, and I let it rip. 

[blissful_camper]

I have a question about bullying.  When setting boundaries (in a civil manner) for several months proves to be ineffective, is it appropriate to verbally push back to establish a stronger boundary?  I unleashed on a bully.  I became harsh toward him verbally shredding him with the truth about his bullying and that I wouldn't tolerate it any longer.  What surprised me is he became silent when I was verbally harsh and assertive with him.  I didn't want to take that action, however, he didn't take seriously my setting boundaries in a civil manner.  I was tired of being bullied, I felt angry about the continued bullying, and I let it rip. 

[jhkbuzz]

I have a question about bullying.  When setting boundaries (in a civil manner) for several months proves to be ineffective, is it appropriate to verbally push back to establish a stronger boundary?  I unleashed on a bully.  I became harsh toward him verbally shredding him with the truth about his bullying and that I wouldn't tolerate it any longer.  What surprised me is he became silent when I was verbally harsh and assertive with him.  I didn't want to take that action, however, he didn't take seriously my setting boundaries in a civil manner.  I was tired of being bullied, I felt angry about the continued bullying, and I let it rip. 

Instead of "harsh," perhaps you were just honest? I tend to think the latter by the response you received. If you had really been harsh and in "attack" mode, he would have retaliated, most likely. The fact that he became silence indicates (to me, anyway) that he recognized the truth in what you were saying, and had nothing to say in response.

Being assertive does not equal being "harsh."

[Sunfl0wer]

I'm not sure what you mean by "appropriate," Can you explain?  

This word implies judgement, who is doing the judging? You? Onlookers? The bully?

I personally feel it is "fair" to do what is effective when being bullied.

Do you feel that this was effective? Both long term and short term?

Or is it possible that the bully is quiet for now, but will realize he upset you and enjoy that, or realize you shamed him, coming back for more after he increases his game?

If you are able to provide some context to the situation, that may give us some perspective to work with here.

[workinprogress]

Perhaps you "disarmed" him?  He was not expecting you to stand up for yourself.

An excellent book on dealing with bullies is, "Mind Fist" by Dr. Haha Lung.

[fromheeltoheal]

Most bullies are insecure and the bullying is railing against that insecurity by asserting 'power' over someone else.  When you fought back you called him on his bullsht, which set him back on his heels and put him in his place.  Good for you!  And who knows, now that you've gained his respect you may become closer, or not, doesn't matter as long as it's on your terms.

[blissful_camper]

Thank you for your feedback. 

The bully is a cowboy who abuses his horse.  I’d been honest with him in setting previous boundaries as well however I set those boundaries tactfully.  In being tactful, perhaps the boundary I was attempting to set was one he couldn’t understand because of the way in which I communicated the boundary?   My delivery yesterday was harsh (not at all tactful). 

I was mean to him.  I usually avoid or ignore him, or set boundaries when necessary.  I’ve given him plenty of space to change his behavior toward me.  I could have ignored him yesterday as well, however, I’d had enough.  He spoke to me in a condescending manner and rather than asking him to stop, I demanded that he stop.  “You will stop speaking to me in a condescending manner.”  He stood up from his chair.  I stood up as well.  He puffed and rubbed his chest, glared at me, and I waited to see if he would walk away.  He didn’t walk away.  He repeated what he said.  At that moment, I felt that if I didn’t act that the bullying would continue.  I spoke loudly and firmly. 

1. I called him a bully. 

2. I confirmed that I'm female and that I was born with a brain.

3. I informed him that even though he was a bully I had shown him compassion.  (I shared an example with him, and he agreed)

4.  I informed him that the next time he wasn’t feeling well I would not check in on him or offer my assistance.

5.  I informed him that the next time his horse threw him, I would not offer my help.  I would let him lay there and would show him the same cruelty that he shows his horse. 

6.  I told him that when his horse threw him again I would not intervene and that I would let him die. 

That is when he fell silent and sat down in his chair. 

I'm angry that he bullies me.  I'm angry that he abuses his horse. 

[Sunfl0wer]

Thank you for your feedback.  

The bully is a cowboy who abuses his horse.  I’d been honest with him in setting previous boundaries as well however I set those boundaries tactfully.  In being tactful, perhaps the boundary I was attempting to set was one he couldn’t understand because of the way in which I communicated the boundary?   My delivery yesterday was harsh (not at all tactful).  

I was mean to him.  I usually avoid or ignore him, or set boundaries when necessary.  I’ve given him plenty of space to change his behavior toward me.  I could have ignored him yesterday as well, however, I’d had enough.  He spoke to me in a condescending manner and rather than asking him to stop, I demanded that he stop.  “You will stop speaking to me in a condescending manner.”  He stood up from his chair.  I stood up as well.  He puffed and rubbed his chest, glared at me, and I waited to see if he would walk away.  He didn’t walk away.  He repeated what he said.  At that moment, I felt that if I didn’t act that the bullying would continue.  I spoke loudly and firmly.  

1. I called him a bully.  

2. I confirmed that I'm female and that I was born with a brain.

3. I informed him that even though he was a bully I had shown him compassion.  (I shared an example with him, and he agreed)

4.  I informed him that the next time he wasn’t feeling well I would not check in on him or offer my assistance.

5.  I informed him that the next time his horse threw him, I would not offer my help.  I would let him lay there and would show him the same cruelty that he shows his horse.  

6.  I told him that when his horse threw him again I would not intervene and that I would let him die.  

That is when he fell silent and sat down in his chair.  

I'm angry that he bullies me.  I'm angry that he abuses his horse.  

This sounds not only appropriate for the situation, but also highly commendable, IMO.

In what way were you uncertain?

Or is this just you asserting yourself in an unfamiliar way, therefore seeking validation?

If it is validation you are seeking... . You have it from me... .completely!  I hope I have the guts you showed to literally stand up to a man trying to intimidate me in such a manner!  Good for you blissful_camper!  I love it!

Edit: ok... .the letting him die part is extreme... .but why nitpick?  Still great the way it is.

[Rubies]

You were still much nicer to your bully than I was to my stalker/bully when I finally cut loose on him.   After 18 months of the intimidating idiot being unhappy with my polite No to his unwanted advances, I loudly went Not Polite on him at the school in front of 300 people with plenty of expletives  mixed in.   I finished with telling him if he approached me or my friends again, he wouldn't have the chance to walk away.    I got the impression he's been told this before.

He stays away from me now.     He's not allowed to hang out hours at a time at businesses and harass women like he used to. 

I'm so done being bullied, being the victim of other people's problems, having to "be nice."   I'm done with people not hearing my No the first time I say it.  I feel free to point it out to them too.

[blissful_camper]

Thank you for your feedback.  

The bully is a cowboy who abuses his horse.  I’d been honest with him in setting previous boundaries as well however I set those boundaries tactfully.  In being tactful, perhaps the boundary I was attempting to set was one he couldn’t understand because of the way in which I communicated the boundary?   My delivery yesterday was harsh (not at all tactful).  

I was mean to him.  I usually avoid or ignore him, or set boundaries when necessary.  I’ve given him plenty of space to change his behavior toward me.  I could have ignored him yesterday as well, however, I’d had enough.  He spoke to me in a condescending manner and rather than asking him to stop, I demanded that he stop.  “You will stop speaking to me in a condescending manner.”  He stood up from his chair.  I stood up as well.  He puffed and rubbed his chest, glared at me, and I waited to see if he would walk away.  He didn’t walk away.  He repeated what he said.  At that moment, I felt that if I didn’t act that the bullying would continue.  I spoke loudly and firmly.  

1. I called him a bully.  

2. I confirmed that I'm female and that I was born with a brain.

3. I informed him that even though he was a bully I had shown him compassion.  (I shared an example with him, and he agreed)

4.  I informed him that the next time he wasn’t feeling well I would not check in on him or offer my assistance.

5.  I informed him that the next time his horse threw him, I would not offer my help.  I would let him lay there and would show him the same cruelty that he shows his horse.  

6.  I told him that when his horse threw him again I would not intervene and that I would let him die.  

That is when he fell silent and sat down in his chair.  

I'm angry that he bullies me.  I'm angry that he abuses his horse.  

This sounds not only appropriate for the situation, but also highly commendable, IMO.

In what way were you uncertain?

Or is this just you asserting yourself in an unfamiliar way, therefore seeking validation?

If it is validation you are seeking... . You have it from me... .completely!  I hope I have the guts you showed to literally stand up to a man trying to intimidate me in such a manner!  Good for you blissful_camper!  I love it!

Edit: ok... .the letting him die part is extreme... .but why nitpick?  Still great the way it is.

Thank you, Sunflower for your validation.   

I felt uncertain because the way that I asserted myself yesterday is unfamiliar to me.  I agree that the letting him die part was extreme and was probably unnecessary.  It wasn't a truthful statement either because I couldn't walk away from someone requiring medical help.  In thinking it over today, perhaps I was mirroring his lack of empathy back at him.  Nonetheless, it's not a nice thing to say. There's no way that I can justify saying that to him.