To those still deciding if leaving or not

[Heartigan]

Hi all,

I am writing this because I think it maybe useful for some of the people here.

This is aimed to those still deciding if leaving or not, and doesn't mean to disrespect any BPD of course.

We know that the most difficult part it is probably the decision part.

Lots of guys are logic people with fixers behaviour, and what makes extremely difficult to leave the BPD partner is, between all the other factors, the mixed info that we get from her/him. We'd like to have something logic that makes our process click forever.

When she has strong emotions, rages and stuff, your logic goes: "I could manage this better". I guess that is true expecially for those of us in managing positions. The "beginning was awesome", "she's emotional and I managed wrong", "she's been hurting me but if I am more assertive then... ", are always there behind the corner. The cycle repeats, but even if you read it online the "I managed wrong, if I try this way I am in heaven because... " part is still stronger.

We need something that make it click on OFF FOREVER, something that goes beyond her looks/sex/off moments of goodness. Of course distance and no contact time, and building confidence comes first, but for those in need of the extra kick to make it, for me the solution to all of this was a friend of my parents. He is married with kids, almost 60.

I think this may work for those of you who want a family and all the traditional bells and whistles. It did for me.

It was like a ticket to time travelling for a day.

The wife of this guy is a BPD. Not sure if queen, waif or other type. The man is a wreck. He's around 57yo, and he is miserable. Comes to my parents' place and cries while talking to my parents (they are awesome friends and the guy is just a super nice person) about how his wife destroyed his life. When the guy's gone we usually have a couple of minutes of profound empathy for him.

This lady wouldn't let the kids eat properly in their house because she thinks that just a salad is enough. They don't have to eat and he and his daughters often came to our place to eat with us during their childhood. He still prepares stuff by himself when the wife is not home.

The life of his daughters has been destroyed by the mother.

One of them was born underweight, she didn't develop properly. They discuss at home everyday, the mother's been playing splitting and all the other tricks on them ("poor me" followed by tantrums/"bad you" stuff) since they were born, which is 32-35 years ago.

Now, reading online could be a powerful resource and it helped me a lot, I am sure.

But when it comes to decision, what made me click was watching the future I had in front of me. Real life.

It automatically classified my ex partner in my head differently.

Watching my exgf pictures didn't feel as before meeting this guy.

I can't say about girls, but for guys who have a very strong logic thinking side  (ENTP/INTJ etc), I hope this can help.

If you have some adult borderlines around you, friends or way to access that (I know it maybe not easy for some, but in some cases it's easy), you may want to see how their family life goes.

"Time travelling", so to speak, worked better than reading it 1000 times online for me.

After that, when I have doubts I just think about the tears/life of that person.

It automatically brings me back to think I made a good decision.

My two cents. Hope this helps somebody somehow.

[Mutt]

Hi Heartigan,



That's interesting. I can understand logical thinkers ( I'm INTJ ) and I was frustrated for several years with applying logic with behaviors I couldn't explain from my undiagnosed ex partner. I had not heard of personality disorders and didn't understand that she suffered from mental illness. I understand BPD pathology now.

I see that you have an "ex romantic partner" for the person in your life on your profile? I'm sorry I got this wrong, the wife that you are describing is a friend of your parents?

Watching my exgf pictures didn't feel as before meeting this guy.

Can you explain here?

Did you hear behaviors that this guy was telling your parent match behaviors with your exgf? Do you have a loved one that suffers mental illness in your life?

[joeramabeme]

Heartigan, thanks for sharing.  I had a similar experience from someone I sponsor who is ~15 years older than me.  He wasn't crying but his probable BPD wife of 15 years, who is very well to do, would not give him a few bucks to tie him over between checks and wanted him to draw down his retirement account.  When I heard that story and compared it to all the crazy money discussions I had with my wife I had a miracle moment.  God put this guy in my life so I could see my future if I stayed with the sick b!tch that I have been with.

I don't think this alone would have been enough for me though and still need this board on a regular basis.

Good luck to you and don't get too brazen as we all need each other to recover from this.

[Heartigan]

Hi Heartigan,

I see that you have an "ex romantic partner" for the person in your life on your profile? I'm sorry I got this wrong, the wife that you are describing is a friend of your parents?

Watching my exgf pictures didn't feel as before meeting this guy.

Can you explain here?

Did you hear behaviors that this guy was telling your parent match behaviors with your exgf? Do you have a loved one that suffers mental illness in your life?

Thanks for the reply. No prob for the MOVED thing. Hope my contributions helps somebody.

To answer your questions: ExGF was BPD and the wife of the friend of my parents is also BPD (both undiagnosed).

No loved one with mental illness. I meant to write that the wife of my parents^ friend was behaving very similarly to my exgf (splitting, "yes buts" when confronted, etc).

I guess that time travelling could be an option, as I wrote, if mixed with other measures, reading online, see someone, no contact, build confidence back etc. BPD leaves back a trail that lasts for some time, this worked in my case to logically make me put that in a box, so to speak, the one of the future I would never want for my family.

[Heartigan]

Heartigan, thanks for sharing.  I had a similar experience from someone I sponsor who is ~15 years older than me.  He wasn't crying but his probable BPD wife of 15 years, who is very well to do, would not give him a few bucks to tie him over between checks and wanted him to draw down his retirement account.  When I heard that story and compared it to all the crazy money discussions I had with my wife I had a miracle moment.  God put this guy in my life so I could see my future if I stayed with the sick b!tch that I have been with.

Exactly.

I mean this may sound simple, but say I am a doctor and I am treating person (A) that has a BPD partner (B): in my case if they would bring me to see the future in an adult BPD (C) with family, that would work very well combined with other stuff to take my decision.

I don't think this alone would have been enough for me though and still need this board on a regular basis.

Good luck to you and don't get too brazen as we all need each other to recover from this.

Yeah I dont think so too. Didnt wanna come out brazen, sorry guys if it looked like that.

[SSinNYC]

That is great advice!

You seem like a TRULY AMAZING guy with lots of insight!

Thank you!