how someone with BPD can move on so fast after a break up?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello  

I'll try to tell what happened to me... . 

I was in a relationship with a girl BPD, we had ups and downs. It was a roller coaster to be honest... .

We reached a point where he had no more respect for each other and she was always the "victim" of what happened ... .

I dont understand because days before our break up (she broke up with me), she said she loved me very much and that we could start again respecting each other and she wanted only me... . 

We stayed two weeks without talking after our break up (she did not want to contact me) when we came back to talk she told me she had been with several people like her and was dating a US girl. Then she told me she loves me but is not in love with me... .  :'(

I never forgot her and I'm alone now, but she wanted be my friend and almost every day we talked and she always complains to me that my replacement does not give the attention she deserves and that lied to her and dont matter about her... .but she said my replacement makes her feel very happy.  ... and she also likes my status on facebook comments on my pics on instagram like "Ugh you are pretty much" or "you're pretty" ... .

I feel like crap because she forgot me so fast and moved on with someone else like I was nothing to her. Why do they do it but still want to be our friends and keep in contact?

I have not forgotten her, I have not moved on, my heart still are in pieces because of the the break up. I feel very confused and stupid.  :'(

[butterfly 27]

Hello  

I'll try to tell what happened to me... . 

I was in a relationship with a girl BPD, we had ups and downs. It was a roller coaster to be honest... .

We reached a point where he had no more respect for each other and she was always the "victim" of what happened ... .

I dont understand because days before our break up (she broke up with me), she said she loved me very much and that we could start again respecting each other and she wanted only me... . 

We stayed two weeks without talking after our break up (she did not want to contact me) when we came back to talk she told me she had been with several people like her and was dating a US girl. Then she told me she loves me but is not in love with me... .  :'(

I never forgot her and I'm alone now, but she wanted be my friend and almost every day we talked and she always complains to me that my replacement does not give the attention she deserves and that lied to her and dont matter about her... .but she said my replacement makes her feel very happy.  ... and she also likes my status on facebook comments on my pics on instagram like "Ugh you are pretty much" or "you're pretty" ... .

I feel like crap because she forgot me so fast and moved on with someone else like I was nothing to her. Why do they do it but still want to be our friends and keep in contact?

I have not forgotten her, I have not moved on, my heart still are in pieces because of the the break up. I feel very confused and stupid.  :'(

[enlighten me]

My personal opinion on the question in the post title is that they move on so quickly because theyve decided the relationship was over long before we are even aware. They have already mourned the loss.

[Herodias]

I think they move on so fast, because they can't be alone. They seem to be very open to having a person on the side to slide into a r/s with. Mine did the same. Have been with him 9 years and married 8. He always had someone interested in him," just in case" I guess. Now he is doing the same with me... .trying to be friends. I cannot do that. He will find another if he hasn't already... .always a triangle. It's very heartbreaking and confusing. Very upsetting to be alone and know they are with someone else so fast and we are alone and grieving. We know how hard it really is to find a person to really connect with. I think they do start to move on before we know it as well. Any bit of disagreement seems to encourage mine to think this is a bad r/s and he needs to find someone more compatable and would let him do all the acting out he wants without controlling him. He will find out that I was one of the most compassionate people and wasn't as demanding as others... .I truly cared even though I know all about him. He seems to rather be with people who don't know him, so he can reinvent himself, yet he tells them all the same lies. I think they can't stand to see the pain they put us through in our faces and would rather move on and make a fresh start.

[LimboFL]

To provide another perspective, not challenge anyone but how many stories have we read about pwBPD leaving a matter of days after talking about marriage, moving in together, love etc. How could they mourn the loss and be done and then make the statements that so many do.

Instead, my belief is that the shutting down of emotions is a result of self preservation. Most of these relationships die as a result of either engulfment or abandonment, both being extreme emotions for pwBPD. What is the best way to escape crisis like emotions? Shut down.

The mourn the loss in advance also doesn't jibe with all of the stories of how pwBPD do suffer down the road, from the loss. Yes, some don't.

The immediacy of the break ups suggest impulsiveness and immature processing. Consciously saying goodbye to someone, while still in the relationship requires sustained conscious emotions which by the push pull we all went through simply doesn't seem to make the kind of commitment needed to detach over a length of time. While I am the first to speak of pwBPD as living breathing human beings, with hearts, minds and souls, with their own individual experiences, through a nice long stay here on BPD Family it is clear that there are certain actions and reactions that are simply innate to this disorder.

My opinion only.

[Pou]

I have a NPD wife.  It pains more when I realize that even though we are bound in a marriage with 3 kids.  My wife has long declared our marriage is over.  It shows in everything she does.  My understanding about PDs is also that they are very capable of having affairs ... .so her relationship could have existed prior to your official split.  So it won't be hard for her just to kind slip into that one after yours.  It is really hard to understand and accept, because we are normal.  I don't pretend that I do understand ... .it still hurts.  Like gravity , you now there is such force when falling down, and when you fall ... you understand why it hurts, but you still can not make it stop hurting.

[SummerStorm]

A pwBPD craves forming an attachment and having contact with people.  Mine was told me that she craves human contact.  However, they form these attachments very quickly and are convinced that the other person is the best person they've ever met.  When that person gets too close or lets down the pwBPD by proving that he or she isn't actually perfect, the pwBPD begins to devalue the other person.  As wonderful as the idealization stage can be, the devaluing stage is equally torturous.  pwBPD can't regulate their emotions, so the love they felt or thought they felt turns into hate.  

Often, pwBPD are so afraid of being abandoned that they basically sabotage their relationship.  They feel that they are no good, and if the other person leaves, it proves that the pwBPD isn't good.  They also tend to re-write history, so that they believe they left the other person because the other person was terrible.  My exBPD basically said that almost all of her exes were abusive or that they stalked her.  I didn't, and her boyfriend doesn't, but she lied and told me he did.  pwBPD often "test" others to see if they will leave.  

Of course, pwBPD also fear engulfment.  Because most Nons have a white knight complex, we tend to want to save the pwBPD and keep the pwBPD close to us.  Eventually, that causes the pwBPD to feel engulfed, and that leads to devaluing and discarding.  For the longest time, I couldn't figure out why my exBPD started an affair with me the day before she moved in with her boyfriend.  But now I know.  She was feeling engulfed.  But as she got closer to me, the same thing happened.  

I once said to my exBPD, "If I text you too much, I'm too clingy.  If I don't text you enough, you get mad and think I don't like you anymore.  I can't win."

After a pwBPD breaks up with someone, he or she needs to form an attachment, and the cycle starts all over again.  

I'm not sure I totally agree that pwBPD decide that a relationship is over.  I think they are convinced that it will be over.  Mine always told me that we would eventually be together.  She saw the end of her relationship with her boyfriend as something inevitable.  It's not that she really wanted it to be.  She just expected it.  

In April, she told me to run far away from her and never look back because she would only end up hurting me.  I stayed, and she hurt me.  pwBPD basically pick the outcome and then do whatever it takes to reach that outcome.

[SummerStorm]

He seems to rather be with people who don't know him, so he can reinvent himself, yet he tells them all the same lies. I think they can't stand to see the pain they put us through in our faces and would rather move on and make a fresh start.

Mine recently decided to completely go NC with me and move across the country with her boyfriend.  Yes, she's moving to be closer to her parents, but she's also run out of people here.  She hurt me, she hurt all of her chances at getting a teaching job, and she hurt her friends.  There's nothing left for her in this state.  The decision to move was a quick one.  A month ago, her boyfriend wasn't even sure he could make the relationship work, and now she has convinced him to leave his job, his friends, and his family to move 3,000 miles away with her. 

It took her nearly six weeks to send back things she borrowed from me.  I even offered to meet her or her boyfriend somewhere and pick up the things.  One was a jersey she borrowed and wore the first time we hung out.  The other two were shirts she slept in when she stayed over at my house.  I don't think she wanted to face those things and the memories associated with them. 

Everything about BPD is a contradiction.  They seem to feel everything and nothing at all, all at the same time.

[Mutt]

Like gravity , you now there is such force when falling down, and when you fall ... you understand why it hurts, but you still can not make it stop hurting.

On the other side of the coin is we are put on a high pedestal and idealized and we are kicked from that same pedestal and the fall can be long and hard... .

Hi Butterfly27,



I can understand how pain and confusing that a r/s with a pwBPD is butterfly 27. I'm sorry you're going through this.

We reached a point where he had no more respect for each other and she was always the "victim" of what happened ... .

BPD is a persecution complex and a pwBPD will cast themselves in different roles in a drama triangle, and may take the role of rescuer or persecutor and often take the role as victim. This article explains well how a pwBPD submit control and we emotionally merge with the person, as the pwBPD begin to see faults in the relationship, we begin to push back and if we remain in the position of persecutor for a substantial amount of time the pwBPD will emotionally collapse.

PERSPECTIVES: From idealization to devaluation - why we struggle

[EaglesJuju]

Instead, my belief is that the shutting down of emotions is a result of self preservation. Most of these relationships die as a result of either engulfment or abandonment, both being extreme emotions for pwBPD. What is the best way to escape crisis like emotions? Shut down.

Just to add to this, avoidance is another way similar to shutting down to cope with intense emotions and shame. As critical as emotional dysregulation is to BPD, shame is also a factor in BPD behavior. Shame is related to a loss of self, inconsistent sense of self, or a lack of a sense of self and interferes with adaptive coping methods. Common maladaptive coping mechanisms to shame  are avoidance, projection, splitting, and withdrawal.  


Impulsivity and heavy reliance on emotions enable pwBPD to make quick and more often hasty decisions. As a result of that, it adds to a pwBPD's shame. Shame  can trigger feelings of betrayal, loneliness, and disappointment within the context of interpersonal relationships.  To assuage the feelings of abandonment depression (depression, rage, panic, guilt, emptiness, and helplessness) a pwBPD will revert to things that make them feel good. Many times that is to become involved in another relationship.  This is a vicious cycle for a pwBPD.

[SummerStorm]

While I am the first to speak of pwBPD as living breathing human beings, with hearts, minds and souls, with their own individual experiences, through a nice long stay here on BPD Family it is clear that there are certain actions and reactions that are simply innate to this disorder.

Indeed.  Things like fear of abandonment/engulfment and impulsivity are hallmarks of BPD and will be there, no matter who the person is.

[butterfly 27]

I think they move on so fast, because they can't be alone. They seem to be very open to having a person on the side to slide into a r/s with. Mine did the same.

when I tried to get back with her after our break up she told me she wanted to be alone because since she was 15 years old she could not be alone and kept jumping from one relationship to another ... .well, it did not take a few days for her officially taking on a new relationship with my replacement ... .

[Mutt]

Mine did the same. She was having an emotional and physical affair for several months before she left me and I had triggered her fear of abandonment. We weren't coping in our marriage, she found another attachment... .it's how she survives. She has identity disturbances, lacks a stable sense of self another hallmark of BPD.

[butterfly 27]

Everything about BPD is a contradiction.  They seem to feel everything and nothing at all, all at the same time.

I and my ex broke up and went back 3 times, in all three times she told me she wanted to be alone but did not take a week after the break up she had found someone else new and always at the beginning of relationships she told me sheI was in love with them and they were love of her life but when relationships fail  she returned to have contact with me... .

[butterfly 27]

Mine did the same. She was having an emotional and physical affair for several months before she left me and I had triggered her fear of abandonment. We weren't coping in our marriage, she found another attachment... .it's how she survives. She has identity disturbances, lacks a stable sense of self another hallmark of BPD.

I feel trapped in this triangulation, when I feel ready to leave it comes and starts all over again ... .I can not recover healthily of each break up with her. What makes me confused is that she acts as if it were so normal, no regrets ... .I still love her and I dont forget her but I dont want it for me anymore, I feel like I have no strength to endure this abuse she makes with my heart anymore.

I feel used... .

[butterfly 27]

Mine did the same. She was having an emotional and physical affair for several months before she left me and I had triggered her fear of abandonment. We weren't coping in our marriage, she found another attachment... .it's how she survives. She has identity disturbances, lacks a stable sense of self another hallmark of BPD.

Mutt every back she acts in a way as if I was blamed for the our break up, your failed relationships and our fights. Days ago she sent me a message saying that if I had given her a better treatment we'd be together until today, she acts as if she were a prize, a trophy that I have to fight to deserve to be with her... .

[Mutt]

Mine did the same. She was having an emotional and physical affair for several months before she left me and I had triggered her fear of abandonment. We weren't coping in our marriage, she found another attachment... .it's how she survives. She has identity disturbances, lacks a stable sense of self another hallmark of BPD.

Mutt every back she acts in a way as if I was blamed for the our break up, your failed relationships and our fights. Days ago she sent me a message saying that if I had given her a better treatment we'd be together until today, she acts as if she were a prize, a trophy that I have to fight to deserve to be with her... .

I understand how frustrating and invalidating that would feel that if you acted a certain way that you'd still be together. I'm sorry  People that are emotionally immature often will look to blame someone to make themselves feel better.

EaglesJuJu touched on shame and pwBPD are self critical and feel a lot of shame. To empathize with this feeling we'd have to look back at our childhood and perhaps we were shamed by a parent or teacher? Guilt is feeling like we did something wrong, shame is feeling like there's something wrong or defective with us.  How would that feel like to cope with this everyday?

A maladaptive coping mechanism is projecting negative feelings or actions on someone else. A relationship takes two. My ex sent me an email a few months back saying that I had no idea with what I did wrong in the relationship, I understand that she suffers from mental illness and how she feels is very real to her. How we interpret reality is different than the next person, emotions and feelings are real. I don't defend my reality with my ex, if she believes that I'm the one to blame, I know my truth. This is BPD.

It takes time to sort through these feelings and with what happened in the r/s, it's good to have a post mortem. It helps to learn as much as you can about BPD. It's not her intentions and her behaviors are driven by the disorder.

[rotiroti]

I don't think she wanted to face those things and the memories associated with them. 

Agreed, but weren't you asking her bf and the ex for them? Maybe it was a way to stop contact?

[butterfly 27]

I think they can not keep up with relationships because it is easier to break up with someone because of a fight or a difficult time in the relationship than fight for the relationship, I see that they want to be in fairy tales relationships where everything is perfect but at the first discussion the prince charming turned into an ugly frog.

[SummerStorm]

I don't think she wanted to face those things and the memories associated with them. 

Agreed, but weren't you asking her bf and the ex for them? Maybe it was a way to stop contact?

Yes, but it's frustrating that she waited that long.  I actually asked her to return them a bunch of times when we were still friends and when we saw each other every day at work.  She went NC almost six weeks ago and should have just sent them then.

And she still has two things that belong to me, so when she packs her things to move, what happens when she finds them?

[Lilflower]

Hi butterfly,

I can totally relate.  I just posted about this this morning after finding out my ex got married just months after we broke up.  We are adults in our 40's. Our relationship was very good, not back and forth.  The breakup happened suddenly right before the anniversary of his brother's passing so I assumed he was triggered by that. I now find pictures of him smiling on vacation with the repalcement 3 months after our breakup that had no explanation, just blame.  I too am so shocked and hurt how he could have moved on right away while I was tormented.  That fact has finally made me mad at him which I have never been before. More sorry for him, but now not so much.  I think we have to look at this behavior as more proof that they really have a disorder and are not healthy.  Who does that?  After a serious relationship, any normal person takes it slow, even if its a month!  By a month my ex was cleary in heavy.  I feel fooled, but not foolish if that makes sense.

I really liked some other's perspective on this. Because this is fresh information I am having a hard timing seeing things as I should, what I know to be right.

[butterfly 27]

Hi butterfly,

I can totally relate.  I just posted about this this morning after finding out my ex got married just months after we broke up.  We are adults in our 40's. Our relationship was very good, not back and forth.  The breakup happened suddenly right before the anniversary of his brother's passing so I assumed he was triggered by that. I now find pictures of him smiling on vacation with the repalcement 3 months after our breakup that had no explanation, just blame.  I too am so shocked and hurt how he could have moved on right away while I was tormented.  That fact has finally made me mad at him which I have never been before. More sorry for him, but now not so much.  I think we have to look at this behavior as more proof that they really have a disorder and are not healthy.  Who does that?  After a serious relationship, any normal person takes it slow, even if its a month!  By a month my ex was cleary in heavy.  I feel fooled, but not foolish if that makes sense.

I really liked some other's perspective on this. Because this is fresh information I am having a hard timing seeing things as I should, what I know to be right.

I understand you Lilflower   what hurts me the most was not the break up, but it was the ease in moving on and fall in love so fast by someone else in less than two weeks?

The only thing that explains is that she was flirting with that person while she was dating me ... .

What I'm doing now is pick up the pieces of my heart to be able to move on, taking time for myself and setting my priorities because when I was with her our relationship revolved around her... .

Now she is in the process of "honeymoon" with my replacement and it's like the love she said she felt for me was equal to anything now ,  well, too bad for my replacement because I know how is the end of that movie. ...

[VistaView]

Doesn't matter how they move on so quickly.  Don't wrack your brain trying to figure it out. Why?  Because they ALWAYS come back.  Mine did and is now again for the third time in 7 yrs.  The difference this time is I am fully aware on how to handle a BPD. You will be too if you stay on these boards, arm yourself with the knowledge and be prepared for the return.  The beauty in them moving on so quickly is it does NOT allow them to mourn the relationship they had with you, so when the new one fails, and it will, your mate WILL return.

[myself]

Shame, pain, and denial based actions. Moving on quickly ('fast' as in 'running away' because it's not really dealt with. Dragging their problems with them into the next version of fantasyland. The faster it happens, the less time spent facing themselves/actually making things better.

[dobie]

Even nons can move on quickly of course there's "levels of moving on " in my exBPD fiancés case she had been disengaging for a year before she pulled the plug


Her disappointment , depression and eroding of trust had been welling to "critical mass" Hence why it was easy for her to be so cold , remorseless and self centred. Knowing her previous M.O I'm sure she cheated to boot . I'm know after we ended she started "casual dating" how deep her attachment to another person is she is dating as compared to ours I don't know but I suspect knowing her "playbook" it will take her a while .

She will likely be "looking for fun" till she finds someone she can "idealise" . or someone to use for whatever need is most pressing for her at the time this is her pattern in ALL her r/s.

[MedioMan]

I once said to my exBPD, "If I text you too much, I'm too clingy.  If I don't text you enough, you get mad and think I don't like you anymore.  I can't win."

f*ckf*ckf*ckf*ck if this happened to me as well!
It's incredible the amount of common patterns I keep seeing in these discussions.

[Teddy007]

it´s like reading my own relationship. On/Off how many times, the charms, the triangulation, cheating, drama. She left me for another guy about 5 months ago. They got engaged last week. As i see it, sure we were all fooled and got really hurt but what is the point? This will always be unfair and these people will just repeat the same pattern over and over again.

In a few months or years does victims will be on here asking the same questions, telling the same stories. This is just a sickness, a disorder, these people are sick, there is nothing anybody can do about it. Sure it hurts now and will hurt for some time but we should all count our blessings that we are out of it and that they moved on and found a new main supply.

The healing process is really hard but it gets better, i promise it really does. And the more you get out of the fog the more you start to see the whole picture in a different light. I mean who would want to live like this? With someone who cant feel love the same way, who lies and cheats? We all deserve better and for all the Cluster B Arsholes out there... They can go F! them selves.

Abuse is abuse, lies are lies and Cheating is Cheating, it should always be a deal breaker! Trust and respect, honesty this is what a relationship is about, not all this shait!

Anyways, things will get better, just go NC and start your healing process. Good things will come to you and you will find someone better that gives you peace and love, not some abusive addictive manipulation of trauma bonds and what ever. It really sucks! Trust me i know.

I will send you a hug and let you know that you and everybody else here deserve better!

CHEERS!