Distortion campaign / False abuse accusations

[Celes]

Hello. I am dealing with a very difficult situation in my life. This is extreme and I am actually afraid to discuss this with people for fears that they'll think I'm making things up. But I've been saving evidence. First, some background:

I have a sibling with a very severe case of borderline personality.  When he is in a rage, he seems psychotic (out of touch with reality).  When he goes on rages, he will launch major distortion campaigns against family members and his ex-friends. He'll make us sound like the most evil people on Earth. That, of course, drives friends away and then he gets mad that they abandon him. He primarily uses social media for these now, but he has spread lies about people via phone as well.  He very frequently projects his behavior onto others as well.

He also extorts money from me regularly. He never asks nicely - he does things like threaten suicide if I don't give him money, or he'll guilt me (say he'll starve, for example) and he'll do things like post my name and phone number on twitter (and encourage people to harass me) if he perceives me as "abandoning' or "neglecting" him. He's forty-two and I'm thirty-six and live in a different city.

My dad had a heart attack recently, and my sibling has been extremely angry that my dad is too tired to drive him around everywhere when he demands it. The same is true for my two other brothers - they are often violently slandered if they ever say "no" to his demands. One has basically cut contact and I don't blame him. My borderline sibling's rages can be so bad that people have called the police on him.

The accusations are now getting very serious. Both of my parents (my mom died five years ago) are being accused of serious abuse that I know did not occur. The accusations are all over the place and he keeps switching his story of who did what. He's also directing his distortion campaign against two ex-friends. Neither of his ex-friends have done anything wrong to him. I'm starting to receive some of this abuse for "allowing" this supposed abuse to happen. I can't encourage these delusions so he's constantly sending me text messages about how I've abandoned him when he has come out as an abuse survivor. He recently sent me a message while I was at work asking me to drop everything and meet him in a city that was eight hours from where I was at the time. I said no, and that really triggered more rage. He's also demanding that the whole family pay him reparations (he used that word exactly). I'm at the point where I think he needs to be placed in a psychiatric facility.

Oh yeah, he also posted a message on facebook going on about how he's going to become a famous internet personality and writer due to being an abuse survivor. I took a screen shot of that. It seems like a strange thing to say? Strange being an understatement.

Needless to say, I'm extremely disturbed by this. Have you ever had a close brush with death (i.e. car accident) and then you feel very anxious and wound up after? I've been feeling like that lately. I'm going to make an appointment with a therapist ASAP and I'm going to see the same one I've been to before regarding how to cope with my sibling.

Has anyone dealt with anything this severe? I'm just not responding to his messages for now. But I really don't know what to do and neither does the rest of my family.

[Kwamina]

Hi celes

I am very sorry to hear your dad had a heart attack recently. How is he doing now?

The situation with your brother is very unpleasant indeed. Has your brother been officially diagnosed with BPD or perhaps some other disorder? Has he ever received any targeted treatment or therapy for his issues?

Dealing with false accusations is never easy, especially when they are as extreme as the things your brothers says. Before your brother started making these accusations against your parents, how was his relationship with your dad then? And when your mother was still alive, how was your brother's relationship with her?

It seems your brother aggressively uses things such as fear, obligation and guilt to get others to do as he wants. Perhaps this article can be of some help to you: Fear, Obligation And Guilt: How We Allow Loved Ones To Control Us

To help protect yourself against your brother, I also encourage you to take a look at some resources about boundaries:

Getting Our Values and Boundaries in Order

Examples of boundaries

Dealing with a BPD family-member can often be quite difficult and really takes its toll on you. I am glad you have a therapist that can help you cope with all of this.

Take care

[Celes]

Thanks for the reply. My brother has been treated by psychiatrists and has been in psychiatric hospitals. That's the usual outcome when the police are called. A room mate of his had to call the police when he went into a rage.  The police know he has very serious mental issues. The exact diagnosis varies depending on the psychiatrist - it's typically bipolar or borderline. 

His relationships with my parents have oscillated wildly. He has, in the past, praised my mom for various things and he was upset when she died. On the other hand, he could be threatening and verbally abusive to her when he was in one of his rages. I remember him screaming and me and her once and we had to barricade ourselves in a room and then jump out a window to get away.

My dad is extremely tolerant and patient. But my brother will go berserk (I don't know how else to describe it) if my dad tries to set any type of boundaries. These wild abuse allegations happened a bit after my brother was enraged at my dad for being unable to drive him around or give him money.

[HappyChappy]

But my brother will go berserk (I don't know how else to describe it) if my dad tries to set any type of boundaries. These wild abuse allegations happened a bit after my brother was enraged at my dad for being unable to drive him around or give him money.

Celes I’m so sorry that your brother is so ill and you’re having to put up with all this. Hope you Dad is getting better. Totally believe all you wrote, you’ll see many similar posts on here. I would just echo Kwamina.  Setting boundaries will give you a break. Losing the F.O.G. will also take a burden off you shoulders. It worked for me (took a while).

My bro was similar, so I basically sent him a lawyers letter pointing out we would sue if he kept his liable activity up. A healthy boundary, in my view. He stopped. But he then did things covertly (anonymously etc... .) so we just went No Contact with him. His behaviour was very destructive, it was the only way to stop it. My bro was the Golden Child so he became very enabled and hence wouldn't except no from anyone. He was sacked several times due to his rage. Do you think your bro is overly enabled ? He must have excepted boundaries from someone - i.e. the Police etc... .

We got a new phone number and went ex-directory. I’m sure you’ll find a way. But do have a peek at Kwamina suggested reading, it worked for me. 

[sisterofbpd]

Hi Celes, 

Sorry you're dealing with such a difficult situation.  My sister has and is this bad as well.  This is due to a coexisting mental condition along with BPD.  My sister was diagnosed with BPD as well as schizoaffective disorder and also is a drug abuser. She also has made a TON of false and very damaging accusations toward my parents and I.  Ones I know without a shadow of a doubt did not occur.   She is an expert at playing the victim and either flat out lying or twisting the truth completely to show her in a better light with friends and extended family members.  Even though they may believe her, there really can be no mistake that they must be able to tell there is something wrong with her.

Things got so bad with her verbally abusing me and my parents that I begged her to get help, for that she said that we have all betrayed her and cut me and my FOO off for over a year.  Once she was done with that she was texting me non-stop telling me that my parents would drug her and molest her and that if I let my DDs near them that I would "NEVER" see them again, "Never, Never, Never." At that I took out a Restraining Order on her to keep her away from me and my family.  Years later she is telling people that I got the RO because I didn't want her to babysit anymore! (Like any Judge would have issued one for that). 

Since then she has been in a Psych ward quite a few times, once finally apologizing for the things she said about my parents, saying that she knows they never did that.  Then weeks later still vilifying them for God knows what to other people.  So yes, I can totally understand you feeling weird posting this and thinking people are going to think you're nuts.  I still can't believe half of the stuff we've went through with her myself. 

I've been NC with her for quite a while now.  I can honestly say that since my BPDsis has disclosed any embarrassing personal things I have once was stupid enough to confide in her to various family members (just embarrassing teenage stuff that you think you can confide in your older sister about), she has nothing else to hold over my head, and that in it's self is very freeing.

I think that if your brother says that if you don't let him borrow $ that he is going to kill himself, I would call Lifeline and have them take him away.  If you give in to his requests with these kind of threats, he is just going to learn that his tactic works.  Unfortunately, this is a situation that you cannot fix.  I tried for a long time and learned the hard way.  It really is depressing and I'm sorry you're going through this. 

[sisterofbpd]

Oh yeah, he also posted a message on facebook going on about how he's going to become a famous internet personality and writer due to being an abuse survivor. I took a screen shot of that. It seems like a strange thing to say? Strange being an understatement.

Oh and BPDsis is constantly saying how she is going to write a book about how horrible our FOO is so that everyone knows.  Sounds very familiar!

[deux soeurs]

Celes, I am sorry for angst and pain in dealing with your brother.  I am sending prayers to your father and family as well.  He sounds mentally ill and very destructive to your family.  My sister has been on a distortion campaign with our FOO for a very long time.  She uses the internet via a website for parents with challenging kids to slander us.  Most of her venom was directed at our mom.  After my mom passed away she has (and even admitted) she has targeted me.  I am NC contact with her and it has helped greatly.  I also stopped reading the lies she regularly posts about me and the rest of our family.  The interesting thing is she writes like she know what is going on in my life but we haven't spoken in over a year.  I don't post much on social media either.  I have found I can't stop her and at this point I just assume she has no friends or much a life as she keeps writing her stuff.  I feel pity now not anger.  My sister has EXTREME BPD which she denies but I have confirmed in her own writing.  Sorry for the tangent.  Perhaps try LC and I did like the lawyer letter idea.  I called the police on my sister a few times when she harassed me non stop through phone, internet and text.  The police will only investigate if you have a case and it sounds like you do.  Out mentally ill relatives do understand police and breaking laws and lawyers.  Please let us know how things are going and I hope your father heals quickly.

[Celes]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I will definitely read the suggested articles and links.

HappyChappy: That sounds rough. It must be difficult to go No Contact on a family member but  sometimes people have to. You can't let yourself be hurt all the time. I imagine some of my behavior is enabling, primarily due to my fear of saying no. I have to learn not to take his rages and insults personally.

sisterofBPD: "Expert at playing the victim" describes my brother too.  He also texted me about 50 times while I was at work and some of the messages were scary. I just shut the phone off . 

One of the ex-friends he's vilifying actually did call the police to do a welfare check on him after a suicide threat. I know that this friend didn't like having to do that, but I later told him he did the right thing.

deux soeurs: My brother spreads lies through social media too. However, most people who know him know he has serious problems. His facebook account was removed when he threatened/slandered someone who just won't take it. He wrote something awful about my sister-in-law which really bothers me. She's a nice lady who hasn't done anything to him.

Thanks again for the replies.