Managing mutual friends...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Does anyone have any advice how to manage mutual friends?

My Ex BPDGf and I have quite a few mutual friends. I am trying to do the whole no contact thing but recently this weekend, a mutual friend told me some information about my ex that I would rather not have heard... I honestly feel like it set me back emotionally.

I have said many times to our friends that I don't want to hear anything about her or what she's doing. She's off my social media and I'm not social media stalking her.

She was arrested for a very small charge over the weekend. First time she's ever been in trouble in her life. Our mutual friend told me this, and then this friend told her that he told me what happened. I'm not 100% sure why I was told, although I do know this friend hates the fact that we are no longer together and really wants to see us back together. That friend then proceeded to tell me all the details.

She then sent me a text asking me not to tell my friends or family about her arrest. I did not respond. Even though I really wanted to let her know she would be fine. I really am proud of myself for this one and I want to thank everyone on here for their stories and help through this.

I feel like this whole thing was very much staged. Like the friend telling me about it and then her texting me and telling me not to tell anyone. Maybe she was looking for sympathy. But honestly, I have better things to do than to slander her to my family and friends. Like... .you know... .heal.

At this point should I do NC with mutual friends?

I don't know what to think about this... I do not think our friend was trying to be catty or hurtful. I think they thought that I would want to know and maybe it would push me back to her. I have not shared with this friend her being BPD (I do not feel like that is anyone's business. Especially people in her life.)

[OopsIDidItAgain]

Does anyone have any advice how to manage mutual friends?

My Ex BPDGf and I have quite a few mutual friends. I am trying to do the whole no contact thing but recently this weekend, a mutual friend told me some information about my ex that I would rather not have heard... I honestly feel like it set me back emotionally.

I have said many times to our friends that I don't want to hear anything about her or what she's doing. She's off my social media and I'm not social media stalking her.

She was arrested for a very small charge over the weekend. First time she's ever been in trouble in her life. Our mutual friend told me this, and then this friend told her that he told me what happened. I'm not 100% sure why I was told, although I do know this friend hates the fact that we are no longer together and really wants to see us back together. That friend then proceeded to tell me all the details.

She then sent me a text asking me not to tell my friends or family about her arrest. I did not respond. Even though I really wanted to let her know she would be fine. I really am proud of myself for this one and I want to thank everyone on here for their stories and help through this.

I feel like this whole thing was very much staged. Like the friend telling me about it and then her texting me and telling me not to tell anyone. Maybe she was looking for sympathy. But honestly, I have better things to do than to slander her to my family and friends. Like... .you know... .heal.

At this point should I do NC with mutual friends?

I don't know what to think about this... I do not think our friend was trying to be catty or hurtful. I think they thought that I would want to know and maybe it would push me back to her. I have not shared with this friend her being BPD (I do not feel like that is anyone's business. Especially people in her life.)

[rotiroti]

This is what worked for me:

If the mutual friend was a friend of her's originally, I had to let them go as well. I don't think it's their intention to accidentally slip up about the ex, but it was triggering me too much. When you're ready you can meet them again IMO

If the mutual friend was a friend of mine before my ex, then I stay in touch with them.

Either way I let them know what was happening and that I didn't want to hear about my ex if possible

[Mutt]

Hi PX1983,

I can see how that would be frustrating. The mutual friend shows through his / her actions that they don't respect your boundaries when you asked not be given information about your ex.

It sounds like the mutual friend is putting themselves in the middle and causing a little drama with wanting to get the both of you back together. I'm not sure that this would involve your ex partner with his / her behaviors?

It's something to think about if he / she is not respecting your wishes and is putting themselves in the middle of your business.

How good of a friend to you is this mutual friend? We can't control what someone else does and we can control our actions and reactions with boundaries. If someone else does X we can respond with Y.

[sas1729]

Hey,

This sounds like a tricky situation. I think what Neveragain said makes sense. In my situation we had essentially different sets of friends. My ex did not like my friends. I got along with hers fine. When the breakup happened I had my natural set of original friends to fall back on. She kept hers and I have had contact with none of them.

Did you make these friends while with your ex? Or are they originally from your social circle prior to the relationship? I think it's important to have boundaries, and this is especially important when you're recovering. I can see how it can be more difficult to impress upon your friends the importance of boundaries regarding your ex if they do not know about or understand BPD.

[OopsIDidItAgain]

This was her friend who became more of my friend over the past couple of years. However, they still hang out in the same social circle so... .that is how I was informed about this.

It just seemed like she was prompting this friend to tell me these things and I think our friend was put in an awkward situation and they didn't know what to do.

My friends do not like her, which I am learning now. Everyone was actually really happy when the relationship ended. Which was a shock to me but I guess I had blinders on. It all makes sense.

I kept my replies to this friend pretty short. "Oh" "Ok" "Wow" "that sucks". Kind of my way of saying "Just stop"

But, I think I'm going to kind of separate myself. It's none of my business anyway at this point and all it's doing is making me want to reach out.

Right now, I'm just thinking "If I was there, this NEVER would have happened" and that is a true statement. But... I guess, I need to keep reminding "Not my circus, not my monkeys"

[Pretty Woman]

It's all about boundaries. If you already asked this person not to tell you and they did... .

Out.

I went off FB... .I actually disabled my account. In a few months I will go back on and any friends that were hers before us meeting I will remove.

I was not silent in my relationship when it came to my breakups. Many friends know she is a jerk and the good ones aren't speaking with her and have moved on.

[OopsIDidItAgain]

My friends understand what happened but, much like BPD people tend to "Smear" I do not at all want to smear her to her friends or friends I made through her. I just don't see how that would do any good at this point.

My facebook is gone as well, and I will defriend people as soon as I bring it back. But as for now, I just really need to figure out how to set boundaries.

See, this is the crap that makes me so angry. Like Damn her for putting me in this situation where friends feel awkward.

[valet]

Hey PX, I'm struggling with the same problem right now.

Me and my pwBPD's mutual friend's keep inviting us both to parties/events/dinner's/etc. I'm not sure what is going on. It has been nearly 7 months since she 'left', so maybe they just think that everything is 'alright' and that I'm not suffering. Again, as is the same with you (and as Mutt mentioned as well), the friend's with less respect for my boundaries seem to be the ones that try to initiate these group meetings more. These are also the friends that my ex seems to always have been able to control via emotional manipulation, guilt, etc.

Today I have began to start the process of picking who my real friends are. These are people with respect for me, people that can be trusted with my own personal thoughts without judging or using them to muck with the social situation. I'm not going to discriminate based on who was friends with who first, I'm simply going to continue my current relationships and evaluate their health from here.

My relationship to my ex shouldn't be a part of that. If that becomes part of the equation for some, then those friendships are probably not worth my effort. The idea is to preserve my own mental health, not erode it.

Think about yourself here. We all have the ability to choose those whom we surround ourselves with.

[OopsIDidItAgain]

I guess up to this point, I thought I did a good job of separating our friends, you know?

But with the case of this one friend, I'm just trying to figure out if they were not respecting boundaries or if they were being pressured by my ex to tell me these things in hopes that I would come back in and be an enabler (which I realized I am through all of this)

I guess I will tell this person again to not share information with me if they contact me again with it and they shouldn't feel any pressure to be the "middleman" so to speak. I do not want that. I do not want any more relationships to be ruined.

Is it bad there is a part of me that is like "SEE? This never would have happened if I was there!" and kind of happy about that? Not because it's an "IN YOUR FACE!" but more less maybe this is a push to get her to go back to therapy.

[sas1729]

Hey,

It sounds like you have your own network of friends who are supportive of you. It's good that they're telling you what they thought of the relationship. I think it's important to hear from your friends that you were actually very much unhappy. Of course you know it now, but hearing it from friends helps. I would try to focus on these friends.

Whether your mutual friend was ignoring your boundaries or if she was being encouraged by your ex both are not ideal situations. And in both cases I think it's not good of your mutual friend. Maybe if you focus on your own friends, those who are supportive, it will make it easier to separate from this other mutual friend.

As for the feeling of "if I were there it wouldn't have happened", I don't think it's bad. If your goal is to move on, then what you hope to feel eventually is not much. I'm not suggesting that you forget about the relationship, but rather if you want to move on then I think feeling little is the ultimate goal. Maybe this situation will push your ex to seek help. Maybe it will not. You just don't know, and unless you want to find out and remain in the cycle, you may never know.

In any case, it sounds like your ex has some friends too, so hopefully they will help her out.