How did you communicate?

[SummerStorm]

I remember once saying to my former friend BPD, "Our problem has always been that we don't actual talk about things." This was in a text message, our main form of communication.

What was your primary form of communication with your exBPD, in terms of really emotional things, like childhood trauma?  I knew mine for almost a year and only ever had one emotional conversation with her in person, and that was when she was in the hospital after trying to commit suicide.  She chose to text both me and her boyfriend when she told us that she was cutting again.  In her message to her boyfriend, she also told him she'd understand if he wanted to leave her because of it.  Her first two attempts to end our friendship were done over text message.  She cut me out of her life over text message.  She lied to me over text message.  She told me about her childhood sexual abuse over text message.  She told me she was in love with me over text message.

Let's do this in percentages.  Mine looks like this:

Texts - 90%

E-mail - 5%

Face-to-Face - 5%

*Mine hated talking on the phone.  People would call her, and she would cut the convo short and say, "Just text me."

To what do you attribute your percentage distribution?

[icecream]

In my case with a longdistance r/s texts were the most common method to use.

I tried so often to videochat, to call, to visit more but always an excuse and i didnt had any clue if the excuse was real, trusting her written words in a text was all i had and that situation made me obsessed in finding out through other social media if she was genuinly speaking the truth... which wasnt in many cases. But confronting her with her lies resulted in "me being the ex who couldnt get over the fact i got dumped"

Her words were all i had and they were not matching the actions or reality.

When i asked her why she didnt wanted to communicate through other sources she said: "texting is safe for me", meaning she could turn silent when she wanted to, she could tell me anything how would i know for sure, she could easily ignore lines she didnt want to reply on, and my voice or face must have been a trigger... .and that kept me hanging on in hope... . 

yes she did broke up with me through text (saying she had a throuth infection so she couldnt talk)

yes she lied to me so often through text saying she misses me but meanwhile waking up next to someone else

yes she cut me off often

not a single important conversation got to a mutual/adult conclusion, no closure or empathy in perhaps i was waiting for a reply on something

A face to face, voice to voice, screen to screen was too much to ask... .cause it would give away the 100% control... .

And thats what i think it was: controlling us!

Take care Summerstorm

[rotiroti]

Mine always preferred video chat while I was away and face to face in person, mostly due to being around each other 24/7... .texted and e-mailed some but they were always very brief and short

90% face to face/video chat/phone call

8% email

2% texts


I think it's all about personal choice and convenience. With my friends I would much rather text for everything. Short, brief, and I can reply at my convenience (it's sometimes hard to check my phone at work)

[blissful_camper]

Face-to-face:  60

Phone: 30

Text/email/notes: 10

Written communication meant there was a record of communication. 

[repititionqueen]

Mine preferred the phone or face-to-face over text messages. Sometimes he wouldn't reply to texts at all.

When we were in the honeymoon phase he used to call me almost every day. I would be excited to hear from him but he would just talk about himself for the majority of the call and then ask how I was at the very end... .

Once things started getting worse in our relationship all communication became less and less. I felt like I could only really get answers out of him in person.

Now that we are no longer together he only sends texts in an attempt to 'keep me around'.

[zundertowz]

When it came to important matters txting 99 percent of the time, which was maddening because what can be discussed in 15 minutes would take days.

[BlackandBlue]

Nonstop texting for me. It was ridiculous how much we texted... .possibly a hundred or so a day. It was to the point that when we were together in person there wasn't much to say to one another and I would ripped apart for not talking. Meanwhile, I've just run out of things to say.  I guess she texted so much because of the whole abandonment thing... .i don't know

[valet]

If I'm remembering correctly most of our 'serious' conversations happened face-to-face.

The problem was, however, that she would just rage at me, start crying, or end up giving me the silent treatment if I 'didn't say the right thing'.

She definitely communicated better over chat/texting. A week or so after she broke up with me we had this long conversation over Facebook about how terrible the relationship was making me feel, about how insecure and obsessive I had become, and how she constantly would invalidate those anxieties by telling me that they weren't real. After telling me that I had just been paranoid the whole time, and that she was just really tired and went missing for 5-6 hour periods, and that she could have done a better job validating my anxieties (which surprised me, as she suddenly recognized them and saw how much I was being hurt) she dropped a bomb.

I had asked her why we couldn't have productive conversations like that one in 'real' life.

She said something like this: 'I just communicate better in writing. When I was a little kid and me and my mom would get into fights, I would write notes to her saying how sorry I was, because it was too hard for me to do it in person.'

Aside from illuminating the obvious childhood shaming that she was submitted to, it also explained her apparent lack of an ability to actually talk about our relationship, in person. So yes, I think the emotional distance of writing provides pwBPD a feeling of safety. It is probably a decent way for them to mitigate both their abandonment/engulfment fears, but it comes at a major cost to those around them.

We feel shut out, lose trust, and begin questioning ourselves. They are just being who they are, validating themselves in the only way that they can at the moment.

[sas1729]

This is an interesting thread! I'm surprised by how many people experienced the majority of communication over text. How did you maintain a relationship this way for as long as you did?

In my case we did text but about mundane things. We also used gchat a lot until my BPDex started writing her thesis and asked me to stop gchatting so much. But most of our communication was face-to-face because we were together so much.

[icecream]

When it came to important matters txting 99 percent of the time, which was maddening because what can be discussed in 15 minutes would take days.

Exactly!

In my long distance r/s it wasnt that obvious to have "real-live" communication but technology made that a lot easier these days and i dont think its an excuse to avoid important talks, what i experienced a lot with more texting.

The thing what frustrated me the most about texting more instead of eye-/voice-/body-... language is that they keep constant control on what, when and how to write without having the instant moment of action-reaction on spoken words. Plus missing out on all that non-written language creates a fantasy and many misunderstandings...

Any attempt from me to try to change that turned into silence or negativity.

What i learned and want in the future is a healthy relationship with more of all the other communication/language possible -even in a longdistance- and that should be the majority compaired to mainly texting.

[zundertowz]

When it came to important matters txting 99 percent of the time, which was maddening because what can be discussed in 15 minutes would take days.

Exactly!

In my long distance r/s it wasnt that obvious to have "real-live" communication but technology made that a lot easier these days and i dont think its an excuse to avoid important talks, what i experienced a lot with more texting.

The thing what frustrated me the most about texting more instead of eye-/voice-/body-... language is that they keep constant control on what, when and how to write without having the instant moment of action-reaction on spoken words. Plus missing out on all that non-written language creates a fantasy and many misunderstandings...

Any attempt from me to try to change that turned into silence or negativity.

What i learned and want in the future is a healthy relationship with more of all the other communication/language possible -even in a longdistance- and that should be the majority compaired to mainly texting.

The crazy part is we lived under the same roof... .so she would give me the silent treatment and flip out if I went near her but had no problem txting me 400 times a day... .and this could last a week... ... oh the pain!

[BlackandBlue]

I also lived under the same roof with my uxBPDgf and worked with her too and still got hundreds of texts a day from her. And God forbid if you didn't text back fast enough... .she would flip. Also, we could never have serious talks in person. She only would throu texting.

[zundertowz]

I also lived under the same roof with my uxBPDgf and worked with her too and still got hundreds of texts a day from her. And God forbid if you didn't text back fast enough... .she would flip. Also, we could never have serious talks in person. She only would throu texting.

Its just so insane i'm at the point were I just have to laugh.

[SummerStorm]

Nonstop texting for me. It was ridiculous how much we texted... .possibly a hundred or so a day. It was to the point that when we were together in person there wasn't much to say to one another and I would ripped apart for not talking. Meanwhile, I've just run out of things to say.  I guess she texted so much because of the whole abandonment thing... .i don't know

I do think texting relates to fear of abandonment.  E-mail does as well, but maybe to a lesser extent.  It also makes it easy for them to pull us in.  Texting is immediate, and the texts can be read over and over again.  For them, it gives them a feeling of, "Yes, I am loved.  No, they won't leave.  I have all of these messages to prove it."  For us, it basically has the same effect.  Hearing someone tell you, "I love you" once is wonderful, but seeing it in a text message and being able to read that text message as many times as we want is very powerful. 

I worked with my exBPD.  I am a full-time teacher; she was a long-term sub.  Her first sub position was in my department, so she saw me throughout the day and during the last period of the day.  We then would go to my classroom and talk for a long time after work.  We would text each other once we got home (off and on for hours), but we didn't text at work, and we would maybe exchange 1-2 e-mails a week at work.  Her second position was downstairs, and she didn't see me at all during the day, until after work.  So, she started texting and e-mailing me all day.  Then, if she had to switch her planning period and her lunch, she would come up to my room and eat lunch with me. 

Actual conversation with her was pretty boring.  We either talked about work or about her.  When she came over to my house, we barely talked at all.  Like you, we were exchanging a lot of texts each day (50-100).  When I was in contact with her, at the end of my billing period each month, I usually had around 1,500 texts.  Now that she and I are NC, I have about 50 each month, if that.   

[BlackandBlue]

I guess what I was try to say was that by texting so much she wouldn't feel a abandoned. If I didn't text back fast enough she would panic and flip sometimes. I guess the abandonment was triggered at that point.

[SummerStorm]

I guess what I was try to say was that by texting so much she wouldn't feel a abandoned. If I didn't text back fast enough she would panic and flip sometimes. I guess the abandonment was triggered at that point.

Yes, I also got that as well.  She would text me when she knew I was sleeping and had my phone on silent.  The texts would say things like, "Wake up.  I miss you."

Once, when we were just friends, she texted me from a bar pretty late at night, and when I didn't reply right away, I got, "Why have you abandoned me?"  I chalked it up to her maybe being drunk, but now I know it was all BPD. 

[Suspicious1]

Hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of texts. Constant ping-ping-ping of messages. The only time it didn't happen was when he had a driving job, and then we were all day on the phone. I had a headset so I could carry on with life while we talked.

Face-to-face? Not as much as we could have been, and not as much as the constant texting/calling seemed to promise. I thought he'd grab opportunities to see me in person, but he didn't. And when he was here, he seemed anxious to get away as soon as possible. It could get very uncomfortable at times.

[lawman79]

In my Case

90 text

5 email

5 face to face

The funny thing was 90 percent of the emotional abuse I suffered (horrific insults, belittling, threats) were by text.  She never had the balls to say these things to my face.  What a coward. 

She would also text others constantly while we were together.  It was maddening. 

[Schermarhorn]

Mainly text, she wouldn't talk about anything serious face to face, or even over Skype.

[Pretty Woman]

Is this a trick question?

We DIDN'T.

I am an amazing communicator.  In this relationship there was none. I cannot explain it at all. Total   I seriously felt like she just existed through me.  That's why when she would leave I had no F'in idea. She never said, "I'm not happy, lets talk".

Never. .

A friend explained it like this... .you know how a dog will smell something and they will wander off after it? That's how my BPD is. Doesn't matter if it's good, bad or poisonous. She is that impulsive.

[apollotech]

Hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of texts. Constant ping-ping-ping of messages. The only time it didn't happen was when he had a driving job, and then we were all day on the phone. I had a headset so I could carry on with life while we talked.

Face-to-face? Not as much as we could have been, and not as much as the constant texting/calling seemed to promise. I thought he'd grab opportunities to see me in person, but he didn't. And when he was here, he seemed anxious to get away as soon as possible. It could get very uncomfortable at times.

Yep. My BPDexgf was a different person when we communicated electronically rather than personally. I didn't understand it at the time, but when we were physically together (communicating face-to-face) her engulfment issues were triggered. Her escaping my personal proximity became a priority for her.

[SummerStorm]

In my Case

90 text

5 email

5 face to face

The funny thing was 90 percent of the emotional abuse I suffered (horrific insults, belittling, threats) were by text.  She never had the balls to say these things to my face.  What a coward. 

She would also text others constantly while we were together.  It was maddening. 

All of the bad things she said to me were in text.  Interestingly enough, almost all of the times she told me she loved me were in text.  She also discarded me by text.  She did send me a card later.  That was the first time I ever received a handwritten note from her.  Of course, I'm sure it's because she deleted my phone number and had no idea how to contact me, other than to mail something to me.   

Yes, mine was on her phone all the time when we were together.  She didn't really text, as she didn't have many people to text, but she was on Facebook a lot.  One night, when she was over at my house, she basically spent the whole night reading Buzzfeed articles and playing with her new phone.  We didn't have many opportunities to spend time together outside of work, and that's how she chose to spend her time with me. 

Her boyfriend is on Facebook a lot and plays video games all the time, so they probably both just sit around and basically do nothing. 

[greenmonkey]

Is this a trick question?

We DIDN'T.

I am an amazing communicator.  In this relationship there was none. I cannot explain it at all. Total  I seriously felt like she just existed through me.  That's why when she would leave I had no F'in idea. She never said, "I'm not happy, lets talk".

Never. .

A friend explained it like this... .you know how a dog will smell something and they will wander off after it? That's how my BPD is. Doesn't matter if it's good, bad or poisonous. She is that impulsive.

My god the similarities, any talks that I initiated made her feel uncomfortable and she would start the silent treatment. She could text for England, WhatsApp, Viper, FB to any random women she wanted just like she did initially.

The level of communication when living together was huffing and puffing round, the house, raging at me, and not much else - but she spent hours and hours on her phone.

She would email me - why ? we live together. She would occasionally text but talk face to face a no no - looking back a nightmare - but the FOG mean I endured it for longer than I needed.

Never again

[BlackandBlue]

My ex was an awful communicator. Sometimes she would suddenly go quiet out of nowhere and you would have to pry words out of her to try and figure out what was bothering her... .it was like talking to a toddler. Also, most of the nasty hurtful stuff came via text messages.

[SummerStorm]

My ex was an awful communicator. Sometimes she would suddenly go quiet out of nowhere and you would have to pry words out of her to try and figure out what was bothering her... .it was like talking to a toddler. Also, most of the nasty hurtful stuff came via text messages.

Yes, just like a toddler.  Actually, she was very good at babysitting small children because she could just sit with them in front of the TV and watch cartoons. 

I never knew what was bothering her.  Like your ex, she would just go quiet.  She also never talked to my parents.  She acted like my dad didn't exist, and when my mom tried to talk to her, she gave very short answers or wouldn't answer at all.  My mom would be like, "Is there anything I can get you?  Something to eat or drink?"  My exBPD would just mutter, "No," and that's it. 

She actually sometimes looked like a toddler, too.  Once, she sat on my kitchen floor and played with one of my cats, and it just reminded me of a small child, lost in her own world.