Writing a final letter to BPD significant other

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi,

I'm really going through it emotionally right now. Grieving hard, intermittent bouts of crying.

I'm going through withdrawals, as I see it. I broke up with my BPD gf two days ago. I did it over text and I kept it very short and to the point. Being so overwhelmed with the relationship, I simply told her that I was sorry but I needed to end the relationship, that I couldn't bear the agony it was causing me any longer, nor could I bear the drama she was injecting into the relationship by becoming involved with her ex bf. I said I was sorry, but I felt nc was best. And wished her peace and happiness.

Now here I am 2 days later and I am reeling in grief. I can't stop thinking about her, about how I still love her, worrying that she might commit suicide, worrying about all the pain she must be going through, and thinking about how I just want her to be okay.

It's an incredibly hard place to be in. I wish I could have saved her. I wish I could have been her hero. But I can't do it anymore, I can't save her, I am only human. I am no martyr.

I'm debating sending her a final letter. I want to express to her that I do love her. That all I ever wanted was for her to thrive and be well. I want her to know that I want her to be strong. I want her to GET HELP FOR HER DISORDER! It's so SAD! It's so TRAGIC! I can't save her. I can't go back into that toxic relationship. It's tearing me apart.

[Darsha500]

Hi,

I'm really going through it emotionally right now. Grieving hard, intermittent bouts of crying.

I'm going through withdrawals, as I see it. I broke up with my BPD gf two days ago. I did it over text and I kept it very short and to the point. Being so overwhelmed with the relationship, I simply told her that I was sorry but I needed to end the relationship, that I couldn't bear the agony it was causing me any longer, nor could I bear the drama she was injecting into the relationship by becoming involved with her ex bf. I said I was sorry, but I felt nc was best. And wished her peace and happiness.

Now here I am 2 days later and I am reeling in grief. I can't stop thinking about her, about how I still love her, worrying that she might commit suicide, worrying about all the pain she must be going through, and thinking about how I just want her to be okay.

It's an incredibly hard place to be in. I wish I could have saved her. I wish I could have been her hero. But I can't do it anymore, I can't save her, I am only human. I am no martyr.

I'm debating sending her a final letter. I want to express to her that I do love her. That all I ever wanted was for her to thrive and be well. I want her to know that I want her to be strong. I want her to GET HELP FOR HER DISORDER! It's so SAD! It's so TRAGIC! I can't save her. I can't go back into that toxic relationship. It's tearing me apart.

[Darsha500]

It would be really nice to talk to someone who has been in my shoes, privately perhaps. I thank everyone who reads this so much.

[klacey3]

Hi Darsha, feel free to private message me of you want to

[Mutt]

Hi Darsha500,



I can understand how emotionally raw this is when it's been two days after the break-up. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I understand that you're really going through it emotionally right now and if you feel like sending a heartfelt letter it's Ok. It's emotional for her too and there's a possibility that she may not give you a response or an angry one - this could be a set-back. It helps if we write when we're centered.

I want her to GET HELP FOR HER DISORDER!

Were you thinking of mentioning BPD in your letter?

[Tomzxz]

It's tough but stick with NC. I gently told my ex I thought she had BPD - My good intentions backfired.  You cant help her or save her from herself.   It's a debilitating childhood trauma/shame disorder we cant fix. Telling them only shames people with the disorder more. We all wish there was more we could do to help but sometimes it’s best to just let go. A personality disorder took her away from You ... .It was a doomed dynamic from the start.  It's ok to be human and to feel for her, but it's ok to take care of yourself.  If you think she might attempt suicide, call the police and notify them to send out a unit for a health and wellness check.

Sorry, its hard.  I still find myself crying four months later but it's not the same hard grieving. It gets better I promise.  

[Darsha500]

She knows she has BPD, that's the thing. In the past, she's displayed a seemingly incredible degree of insight into her disorder. She even gave me her symptoms checklist, from the dsm, when we first started dating.And she told me to alert her to her symptoms. That didn't work out to well.

Additionally, we discussed the prospect of her getting into dbt multiple times while dating.

I know that she wants to get better, she's made that clear. She's mentioned how all of her relationships have ended in failure, and how she was the common denominator to them all. How all she wants is to have a stable loving healthy relationship.

Now I feel compelled to communicate to her that, though the relationship didn't work out, I still love her, and that out of that love, I implore her to seek help, or else she's likely doomed to repeat the same pattern of failed relationships over and over. I don't even want to hear back from her. The way I have it planned is that I'll block her email right after I send the final communication.

[valet]

She knows she has BPD, that's the thing. In the past, she's displayed a seemingly incredible degree of insight into her disorder. She even gave me her symptoms checklist, from the dsm, when we first started dating.And she told me to alert her to her symptoms. That didn't work out to well.

Additionally, we discussed the prospect of her getting into dbt multiple times while dating.

I know that she wants to get better, she's made that clear. She's mentioned how all of her relationships have ended in failure, and how she was the common denominator to them all. How all she wants is to have a stable loving healthy relationship.

Now I feel compelled to communicate to her that, though the relationship didn't work out, I still love her, and that out of that love, I implore her to seek help, or else she's likely doomed to repeat the same pattern of failed relationships over and over. I don't even want to hear back from her. The way I have it planned is that I'll block her email right after I send the final communication.

You can send the letter if you'd like. No one here should judge you.

I found that in my experience, it definitely helped to send my appreciative thoughts for all of the love that I was given. Granted, this was received well by my pwBPD. Others have had a different experience.

I wanted to bring something to your attention that popped out at me when I read the bolded section. She wants to get better, in your estimation, but what has she done to actually get better? pwBPD have a strong tendency to deny. It is part of the shame resulting from their disorder. I don't think that it would be in your best interest to dwell on the idea that she may or may not take action in fixing her maladaptive traits. It could hold you back, placing you in a place of pain. Just something to consider.

Best of luck. I am sorry for what you're going through.

[SummerStorm]

If you really do want to send a letter, wait until you have completely detached.  Right now, anything you write is going to be fueled by emotion, and we all know that pwBPD react to situations with emotions, not logic.  So, there's a chance that you'll end up writing something that upsets her.  Then, she'll react with emotions that are not regulated and respond to you, and it may not be what you want to hear.  As Mutt wrote, it's best to write when we're centered and thinking more clearly.  

I have always liked the idea of a letter.  Texts are often sent impulsively and carry with them the emotion that the sender is feeling at that exact moment, and it's often a fleeting emotion.  Even nonBPDs are guilty of this.

I actually have a plan for sending my exBPD a final letter, before she moves across the country.  I am going to send her an early birthday card.  In the card, there will also be two letters.  The first one will be for her to read when she gets it.  It will be some "tough love" words of encouragement and advice from me, telling her how everything has affected me (She never asked, and I was afraid to tell her).  I will also emphasize the fact that I want her to really try to regulate her emotions as much as possible during her upcoming move and in the months following the move.  This move will really test her engulfment fears.  

The second one should not be read until after she has undergone treatment and has learned how to manage her BPD.  This will contain my hopes and well wishes for her future.  At the end of it, I will also ask her to please contact me once she has undergone treatment and can manage her symptoms, to let me know that she stuck to her word and got the help she needed.  She told me that I'm a major reason why she has decided to become a better person, and I kind of think I deserve to be informed of her recovery, even though it will not happen in the immediate future.      

[Mutt]

She knows she has BPD, that's the thing. In the past, she's displayed a seemingly incredible degree of insight into her disorder. She even gave me her symptoms checklist, from the dsm, when we first started dating.And she told me to alert her to her symptoms. That didn't work out to well.

Additionally, we discussed the prospect of her getting into dbt multiple times while dating.

I know that she wants to get better, she's made that clear. She's mentioned how all of her relationships have ended in failure, and how she was the common denominator to them all. How all she wants is to have a stable loving healthy relationship.

Now I feel compelled to communicate to her that, though the relationship didn't work out, I still love her, and that out of that love, I implore her to seek help, or else she's likely doomed to repeat the same pattern of failed relationships over and over. I don't even want to hear back from her. The way I have it planned is that I'll block her email right after I send the final communication.

A pwBPD serious about treatment will show responsibility, pursue it and commit to it anything less is a waste of money and time if the pwBPD is going through the motions to appease someone.

What every Non Needs To Know

A borderlines who is serious about therapy will be responsible enough to make their appointments, be honest with their therapists, and do any and all suggested homework. Borderlines serious about treatment will pursue it, and make a commitment to it.

Anything less than this is a waste of time and money, typically with the borderline just going through the motions to placate someone else.

Some with BPD may want to change but cannot make a commitment, or have the motivation and personal responsibility needed to make it work. If the person with BPD in your life misses appointments, re-schedules them, and/or finds endless reasons why the therapists they've seen is "the problem", "make things difficult" or "just doesn’t understand”, you are likely dealing with someone who isn’t really invested in getting help, or getting better.

Borderline Personality Disorder Therapy - Is Your Loved One Serious?