How do you feel when you experience any loss now, big or small?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Today I had an interesting feeling.

I was smoking a cigarette before I went into work, but I didn't have time to finish it. In the moment that I decided that I had to put it out earlier than I expected, I felt this minor sadness come over me.

It was the sadness of an unexpected, but not totally unexpected loss. It would have to have been put out eventually anyways, right?

This was the same sadness that I felt when my relationship with my pwBPD started to crumble and eventually ended. It has definitely taken me more time to get back to baseline, but it is the same kind of pain.

'Something is off right now, but isn't it worth seeing through until it burns itself completely?'

Long story short, I put the thing out and walked into work. It was better of me to show up on time than to enjoy the pleasure that I would have gotten from the remainder of my smoke.

This was a small loss, definitely. It is strange to see how closely related these perceived 'small' losses are to the 'big' losses that happen in our lives. I'd argue that they are all the same, the only difference being the amount of time that it takes to finish emotional recovery and detachment.

How do you experience loss now?

[valet]

Today I had an interesting feeling.

I was smoking a cigarette before I went into work, but I didn't have time to finish it. In the moment that I decided that I had to put it out earlier than I expected, I felt this minor sadness come over me.

It was the sadness of an unexpected, but not totally unexpected loss. It would have to have been put out eventually anyways, right?

This was the same sadness that I felt when my relationship with my pwBPD started to crumble and eventually ended. It has definitely taken me more time to get back to baseline, but it is the same kind of pain.

'Something is off right now, but isn't it worth seeing through until it burns itself completely?'

Long story short, I put the thing out and walked into work. It was better of me to show up on time than to enjoy the pleasure that I would have gotten from the remainder of my smoke.

This was a small loss, definitely. It is strange to see how closely related these perceived 'small' losses are to the 'big' losses that happen in our lives. I'd argue that they are all the same, the only difference being the amount of time that it takes to finish emotional recovery and detachment.

How do you experience loss now?

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey valet-

What I've been working with lately is to experience an emotion but not be the emotion, to stand off to one side of it and observe it.  That started with stage 2 of the 5 stages of detachment on the Leaving board, then I've practiced it when meditating or any time a strong emotion shows up, and it's getting pretty easy to separate, detach myself, from emotions, realizing that emotions come and go but I'm always me.  That also puts a stop to me making decisions about myself and the world from inside a negative emotion, which is usually the wrong decision, but I've done it plenty.  Then I read the Peaceful Warrior again, great book, and re-focused on the stance that our consciousness is not confined to our body, it's just a vessel it inhabits, and that place is becoming easier to access through meditation and a slowing down instead of running, and the combination of an expanded consciousness and a stand-off-and-observe stance with emotions has been taking the power out of them.  So as with most things it gets better with focus and practice, I still work too hard and stress out at times, but at least I have a place to go that I know works.

[valet]

I've been actively trying to spot these patterns in my daily life too, fromheeltoheal.

I've been spending a lot of time with my mother lately, and I am beginning to see the dynamic. Whenever I talk to her, the conversation always includes helping her with something. She is very anxious. If she doesn't complete her tasks for the day she gets very frustrated and overwhelmed.

My pwBPD was the exact same way.

Most of this must have been repressed. I'm beginning to ask myself, 'When I was growing up, was I always expected to help, even if helping was not necessary?' This might be a large part of the origin of my need to 'save' or 'help' people that could do it own their own. I was raised in an environment in which enabling others was a priority.

My father was an alcoholic. I can see how my mother enabled his behavior in certain ways. I think that she only threatened him with leaving once in front of me and my sister, and now that I have distance I'm guessing that even a threat like that was probably vacant. She was never going to act on her words. She was in denial. He continued drinking until his death at the beginning of 2014. She needed him to 'help' her, and there's no way that she could have possibly given that up, even if the reality of the situation was that he was affecting our lives in an unhealthy way. He needed love, a family, and alcohol to be complete. If she left him and took us away, it might have been beneficial to him. A wake up call.

Now when she asks me to help her I ask myself ':)oes she need to be supported here, or enabled?'

The more that I stick to this boundary, the calmer she is. I am teaching her how I expect to be treated, and she is teaching herself that she can do many things on her own.

[fromheeltoheal]

I was talking about something different valet, but it's great that you're digging, being introspective, and noticing patterns and dynamics.  And the inspiration for that digging may have come from your relationship and its demise, yes?

[valet]

Yes, I absolutely went on a bit of a tangent there.

I completely understand what you're saying in your original post. Part of that mindfulness has helped me to sort out the nuts and bolts of my relationships.

I am not all the way there yet, at least in comparison with you, but it is something to work on.

Today, for instance, I had plans with my pwBPD that she cancelled unexpectedly. I was a little bit disappointed, and I definitely displayed that when she called me about the change. In the past I would have probably been a little bit angry, and would have let her know about it. This time, however, I was able to step outside of that (granted, not all the way re: my verbal disappointment), see the situation for what it was, and just say 'Hey, alright! Let me know if you'd like to reschedule.'

For me, this is about accepting her and her behaviors for what they are, not what I want them to be.

So, mindfulness helps me to accept things. It is an amazingly powerful tool, and I'm glad that I've been able to read about and practice it more.

[fromheeltoheal]

Good for you valet, you're doing great.  It is totally acceptable to express how we feel to people too, although I know tools must be used when that someone is a borderline.  BTW, I left my ex in 2012 and haven't spoken to her since, and I admire your stability and focus when you're still communicating with her.  Take care of you!