Complete and massive head

[Superduper]

Hi there,

Sorry my first post here, discovered it after searching for articles about 'whether she will be happy with her new man.

Not sure where to start. My wife, soon to be ex started an affair with one of my married friends 6 months before we got married, went through with the marriage, I found out 3 months in and we separated. We had been together for 12 years and had two children together.

I am not sure if she has a personality disorder but her behaviour is not normal.

We spent a good year trying to repair things but she continually lied, blamed me for everything and carried on seeing the guy. In the two years since I have changed my job so I can 50 / 50 the kids, I pay the school fees, medical and give her money every month. I take the kids on adventures every weekend, on holiday and to festivals. In the last two years she has had 4 holidays with her new guy and been to two festivals with him. She has spent around 4 days away with the kids.

Every time we try and discuss something it is a nightmare, she disagrees with everything, blames me for everything, rages etc... .

Now we are divorcing she places unrealistic demands on me and goes crazy when I don't comply. The latest when she came back from a weekend away with her new lover (on our wedding anniversary) she wanted to take the kids away and expected me to pay. When I said no she threatened to block my access to the children and remove my influence on them. She often emotionally blackmails me with the kids.

For any normal person they can see how much I do for the kids and how little she does yet she still has a way of making me feel like I am the bad guy.

I am so lost. I feel like I should be some kind of strong man but she has completely ruined me. I can't stop thinking about it. I can't understand how after so much time she can change so much and become so completely evil. That said I look back at our relationship and realise how little she ever did.

How do you break free from all the stress, pressure and obesessive thinking? It all feels so unfair, I am doing everything I can for the kids and she just runs around behaving in any way she thinks she wants. My business is nealy bankrupt and I have lost friends through her smear campaigns.

Arghhh help.

[Mutt]

Hey Superduper,

I'm sorry to hear that. A r/s break-up with someone that displays BPD characteristics or personality traits can be stressful, painful and frustrating.

You feel lost and broken. I get it.

The latest when she came back from a weekend away with her new lover (on our wedding anniversary) she wanted to take the kids away and expected me to pay. When I said no she threatened to block my access to the children and remove my influence on them. She often emotionally blackmails me with the kids.

BPD is emotional arrested development, emotional immaturity at around the age of 2-3. She has difficulties understanding boundaries and flails against your boundaries like a small child would with their parent. She's really acting out like a child would and having tantrums when you're not complying to her demands.

Are you seperated and living in different homes or seperated in the same home?

My ex wife was impossible to agree with when it came to pick-up times with the kids and would move the yard stick with pick-up and drop off times with the kids. I have to work and the frustration and stress felt like it was through the roof. How do we cope with someone so difficult?

You're going through a divorce, you need to have boundaries that are very clear with no room for misinterpretations which is an opportunity for someone to perpetuate drama. Do you have a court order with the kids?

[Superduper]

We are living in separate houses but she still has a key to mine.

She doesn't respect any boundaries. Even this weekend I was meant to collect the kids at 11.00, she text me half an hour before and said they will be late as she is taking them for breakfast. I told her this is unacceptable and she told me that I was out of order for trying to prevent her doing something nice with the kids.

[Mutt]

She doesn't respect any boundaries. Even this weekend I was meant to collect the kids at 11.00, she text me half an hour before and said they will be late as she is taking them for breakfast. I told her this is unacceptable and she told me that I was out of order for trying to prevent her doing something nice with the kids.

I understand. It's been two years since my ex left. She still blames me. That is her compartment. She does respect boundaries set by the courts. She doesn't want to have to be told by a judge.

Do you have a court order?

[klacey3]

We are living in separate houses but she still has a key to mine.

She doesn't respect any boundaries. Even this weekend I was meant to collect the kids at 11.00, she text me half an hour before and said they will be late as she is taking them for breakfast. I told her this is unacceptable and she told me that I was out of order for trying to prevent her doing something nice with the kids.

I can understand why that is so frustrating. My ex would say a similar type of thing... that I was out of order for apparently moaning at him when he was trying to do a nice thing. Any 'normal' person would have taken the children for breakfast earlier or not at all.

[wishfulthinking]

First thing you need to do is make a daily diary of who has the kids and what times.  Make notes on agreed pick up/drop off times and any time it's broken and why.  Keep your text messages about the kids and who does what.  Most judges won't change the current status quo of custody as long as both parents get to see the kids and it's fair.  If you can, write up a temporary parenting plan to cover the current custody agreement before anything is even filed.  So, document everything and use that to make sure you either get to remain 50/50 or you get full custody and she gets ample visitation.  Also, if you offer to pay all medical, etc... .make sure that is reflected and get receipts for what you've paid so she can't go back later and get back child support, if she is awarded any at all.  Unfortunately, during divorce, it's necessary.  Which is sad since we at one time, wanted only to be with these people.  Good luck and change your locks.  

[Superduper]

We are about to go into mediation and we have a temporary parenting plan which we are working to but it is the holidays so there has needed to be some flexibility around things.

Honestly this women has ruined me. It is mad, whenever she phones me or emails me I have a panic. Just seeing her name I crap myself about what she is going to say or do. I was a strong man.

Also the sad thing is even though I know she is evil I still love her. So screwed up right? Well I think I love her. Though I do understand her new man isn't about love, he is just the new guy stroking her ego.

[Mutt]

We are about to go into mediation and we have a temporary parenting plan which we are working to but it is the holidays so there has needed to be some flexibility around things.

Honestly this women has ruined me. It is mad, whenever she phones me or emails me I have a panic. Just seeing her name I crap myself about what she is going to say or do. I was a strong man.

Also the sad thing is even though I know she is evil I still love her. So screwed up right? Well I think I love her. Though I do understand her new man isn't about love, he is just the new guy stroking her ego.

Hi Superduper,

I'll leave you with this.

I understand. I felt like I was a strong man and was "keyed up" when I got a text, email, or phone call from my ex when she was with her new man.

You still love her, she is your wife. It's not screwed up.

She's not evil. She suffers from mental illness. It helps to read as much as you can about the disorder and understand why she behaves the way that she does.

You will get your strength back Superduper and share your story with us. It helps to talk.

You may want to share with members on the legal board that have experience with a person with a personality disorder and courts.

[L3] Family law, divorce, and custody


Hang in there.


----Mutt

[klacey3]

We are about to go into mediation and we have a temporary parenting plan which we are working to but it is the holidays so there has needed to be some flexibility around things.

Honestly this women has ruined me. It is mad, whenever she phones me or emails me I have a panic. Just seeing her name I crap myself about what she is going to say or do. I was a strong man.

Hi superduper. Sorry I don't know much about custody etc as I don't have children, so I can't offer much advice there.

im sorry to hear you are struggling so much at the moment.

It is not screwed up to still love her. Many of us feel the same way and find it hard to detach from a relationship with a borderline. I would normally suggest no contact but understand that is not possible in your situation. Try to keep strong and remember that the madness is due to her disorder.