Thank you

[Travelling suse]

Just wanted to say hi.

I am so glad I stumbled across this site. It appears, after reading a fair amount of stuff on here and in other places, that my sister in law (around 10 years older than my husband and me) exhibits signs of BPD. In fact, as I was reading, I was saying to myself 'yes!' Time and time again.

It has been a hard journey for my husband and me. We have been married 4 and a bit years. My husbands sister had Chronic Fatigue (ME) for 20 plus years and was healed around 4 years before I met my husband.

Anyway, I am here to find help for my husband and me to be able to stand up to this lady and lay down boundaries, in love. It's a really really hard one, since she constantly controls the relationship.

But, I am excited to trawl through these boards and learn from you all and apply what I am learning. Here's to healthy relationships!

[Travelling suse]

Having read the guide more carefully, here are further details for you to understand what is going on. And yes, we need help!

I am so glad I stumbled across this site. It appears, after reading a fair amount of stuff on here and in other places, that my sister in law (around 10 years older than my husband and me, we are 44 and 40, my sister in law is in her mid fifties) exhibits signs of BPD. In fact, as I was reading, I was saying to myself 'yes!' Time and time again.

It has been a hard journey for my husband and me. We have been married 4 and a bit years. My husbands sister had Chronic Fatigue (ME) for 20 plus years and was healed around 4 years before I met my husband.

The Chronic Fatigue meant that she spent 20 years controlling when family members could see her, who could see her, when they could see her, and what they could talk about. She constantly set the agenda. When she got better, nobody knew any different, and my parents in law used to allow her bad behaviour by saying 'well, she's been so ill for so long... .'

My husband and I recently went travelling for 9 months and have just returned. My sister in law told my husband recently that he was selfish for abandoning her to look after her 82 year old mother ( who doesn't need looking after). There have been financial issues since my father in laws death 18 months ago, resulting in my sister in law now wanting my husband to give her/the other sister ( who also has financial issues) the rest of my husbands inheritance. This was all over the phone and by email. We spent a month saying nothing, resulting in a very uncomfortable phone call 2 weeks ago. After which I challenged here regarding one or two things she said. She has now gone on a extended retreat, not telling us where she is or how long she will be away.

Anyway, I am here to find help for my husband and me to be able to stand up to this lady and lay down boundaries, in love. Although quite frankly I am fed up to my back teeth with her behaviour! It's a really really hard one, since she constantly controls the relationship.

But, I am excited to trawl through these boards and learn from you all and apply what I am learning. Here's to healthy relationships!

[Kwamina]

Hi Travelling suse

Thanks for posting this introduction and welcome to bpdfamily

You believe your SIL might have BPD because she exhibits certain BPD traits. What BPD traits does she exhibit?

You also speak of her controlling behavior which sounds quite unpleasant indeed. Would you say that she uses things such as fear, obligation and guilt to try and intimidate and control others? We have an article here about this subject that you might find interesting, here's a short excerpt:

... .fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

You can read the entire article here: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

You mention boundaries and I'm glad you did because they are very important when dealing with someone who has BPD. Being able to set and defend your boundaries is crucial for protecting and preserving your own well-being. To help you in this department I suggest you also take a look at another article and workshop we have here about boundaries:

Article: Getting Our Values and Boundaries in Order

Workshop: Examples of boundaries

Here's an excerpt from the article about boundaries which illustrates the link between boundaries and values:

Boundaries are how we define our values to others.   A boundary is nothing more than the outer perimeters of our independent core values -  it's like a fence  - anything inside the boundary is consistent with our core values and anything outside the boundary is not.  For example, if your independent core value is "always to be respectful of others" a boundary question might be "would abruptly walking out of the room when someone says something offensive be inside or outside of your definition of this value?"  It's not always obvious as we all see things differently.  As you can quickly see, with values, we have a significant responsibility to lead, educate and inform others - we must walk the walk, have effective communication and be consistent.

Take care and I hope you'll find these resources helpful