BPD and my husband's rage

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been married for 20 years.  In the past 18 months my husbands rage seems to have become less manageable for me.  Not that it ever felt great but I could reason my way around it.  He's done some crazy things.  Recently he became really angry for my outing him in front of our counselor.  Next day he disappeared for 14 hours.  My college son comes into my bedroom at 11:30PM and says Dad's having trouble parking the car. That's because he was so drunk!  Did $2000 worth of damage to the car.  Right after that my husband runs up the stairs with no shirt on takes a shower then runs to the basement I think.  Anyway he comes into our room with new jeans on.  I know because the tags are still on them.  Next day paying bills I see he had been at a bar and then progressed down to a "gentleman's club" and paid for lap dances.  He sees no problem with this.  He says it was a stupid mistake and I need to just accept it at that.  When I couldn't he began coming at me at weird times and telling me I was only in the marriage for the money, I am a terrible insensitive uncaring person.  Even my family warned him about me.  Next day he is screaming at me about our sex life and engages our son.  Actually telling him to listen because he will probably need to recite it to a judge.  So unless it is necessary I am not talking to him.  It's been 10 days like this.  He hasn't yelled at me in two days.  He is once again trying to act as if nothing happened.  He is sending me texts example:  Our friend called and wanted to go to dinner, did I want to go?  He noticed my Mom's quilt in the car should he take it to the cleaners.  He found some commercial property for sale am I interested?

I never ever thought he and I would not be able to maintain this marriage.  But I am emotionally exhausted and I don't think this will ever change.  Has it ever with those who have had similar experiences with your spouse?

[pfeiffer6]

I have been married for 20 years.  In the past 18 months my husbands rage seems to have become less manageable for me.  Not that it ever felt great but I could reason my way around it.  He's done some crazy things.  Recently he became really angry for my outing him in front of our counselor.  Next day he disappeared for 14 hours.  My college son comes into my bedroom at 11:30PM and says Dad's having trouble parking the car. That's because he was so drunk!  Did $2000 worth of damage to the car.  Right after that my husband runs up the stairs with no shirt on takes a shower then runs to the basement I think.  Anyway he comes into our room with new jeans on.  I know because the tags are still on them.  Next day paying bills I see he had been at a bar and then progressed down to a "gentleman's club" and paid for lap dances.  He sees no problem with this.  He says it was a stupid mistake and I need to just accept it at that.  When I couldn't he began coming at me at weird times and telling me I was only in the marriage for the money, I am a terrible insensitive uncaring person.  Even my family warned him about me.  Next day he is screaming at me about our sex life and engages our son.  Actually telling him to listen because he will probably need to recite it to a judge.  So unless it is necessary I am not talking to him.  It's been 10 days like this.  He hasn't yelled at me in two days.  He is once again trying to act as if nothing happened.  He is sending me texts example:  Our friend called and wanted to go to dinner, did I want to go?  He noticed my Mom's quilt in the car should he take it to the cleaners.  He found some commercial property for sale am I interested?

I never ever thought he and I would not be able to maintain this marriage.  But I am emotionally exhausted and I don't think this will ever change.  Has it ever with those who have had similar experiences with your spouse?

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[Ceruleanblue]

Welcome. This is a great place.

Do you suspect he may have BPD? It does sound as if he's having some rather erratic behaviors, from what you describe. I'm very familiar with that, and then how they are totally able to act as if it never happened. With BPDh though, it's truly an act, because he's always ready to rub my face in the past. Even things I know I wasn't to blame for.

Read the tools to the right of this page, and see which ones work for you. Can you take some time away from the situation, like a small getaway to a friends, or even just do something nice for yourself?

When you live with someone with BPD(or any PD, really), you have to learn to not neglect yourself, and take time away from it if you can. Even mental breaks, like reading, or taking a walk help.

[an0ught]

Hi  pfeiffer6,

often over time boundaries erode. Then some crisis or a lack of energy on our side and all hell breaks loose. What seemed manageable becomes overwhelming  .

Rage almost always has good support in lack of boundaries. Please read up in the LESSONS on how exactly to implement boundaries in a way to decrease the tension and not feeding it. Also read up on communication skills - a lot depends on how you communicate and little depends on what you communicate.

But first and foremost - take good care of yourself. These relationships can be exhausting 

,

a0

[ptilda]

My story is similar but different. I agree that you're in a great place!

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How is it going, now?