misssouthernbelle, I'm sorry you're struggling and feeling down.
You're worried that you might have BPD because you're displaying some behaviors that are associate with BPD. The truth is, pretty much everyone experiences those traits and behaviors at some point - what makes them a
disorder is that they're consistent patterns that have become integrated into the person's
personality. Also, it's common to have some 'fleas'
after disordered relationships.
what is funny is that I'm uncharacteristically more cold and direct when I'm recovering from having my heart shattered by a pwBPD
It's also natural to be triggered, to be a bit 'jumpy' or guarded, while recovering from the fallout of a dysfunctional relationship. That's one reason why trying to jump right back into the dating scene isn't usually very helpful. You've been wounded - you've had your heart shattered, and that's far more devastating than a broken limb - and you need and deserve time to heal.
It's like I'm hyper-aware of people's flaws when healing.
But, when I get healed and I'm my loving self, I will be right back to attracting pwBPD and completely ignorant to their flaws.
Do you think it may be - that you are not letting yourself heal enough before seeking out another relationship? Healing is not a fast or linear process. You deserve to give yourself time to heal and detach.
You posted this on the
Personal Inventory and Self-awareness boards-
Sometimes, I want to give up. Sometimes, I want to relinquish everything I've worked for and the good man I'm holding out for and just abandon that seemingly childish dream of finding a respectful and loving partner... .by sleeping with and being with people to feel the void. At least then I would feel some sort of love, instead of the darkness that becomes my life when I do the right thing and stand up for myself and what I tell myself I deserve.
That's the irony... .I am alone if I settle and allow myself to be with people who treat me like dirt and I am alone if I stand up for myself and walk away when people mistreat me.
You are scared of being alone. Being alone makes you feel like you have a dark void that needs to be filled. You struggle with reconciling this with your need to protect yourself and your sense of self-worth. It's ok to be scared, it's only human. There are many people who fear and feel these things.
I think maybe you are confusing loneliness with being alone? When you feel lonely and translate that into
'I am alone,' it is only reasonable that despair would follow. Instead of recognizing and accepting your feelings ('I feel lonely', you are giving that feeling the power to define your reality ('I am alone'.
Leaning on your support system can help. Posting here can help. You are not alone. You are never alone - you have yourself. And you deserve the chance to shine light on that darkness, by allowing yourself to heal, learning to love yourself, and finding joy in being You.
Then you will not have to settle for people who treat you like dirt. You will attract people who will not mistreat you, who will respect you and appreciate your loving self.
It all starts with you.
