My former fiancé/psychiatrist hurt me terribly, I'm broken...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My heart is still in constant pain since our breakup a few months ago. My psychiatrist pursued me, using my personal info to contact me and find out where I live,  into a romantic relationship after being my doctor for 2 years. Our relationship lasted almost 5 months. I had total trust in him and instantly fell in love with him with all my heart.  He took me on lavish vacations, even a vacation for 3 weeks to meet his sister in France, and we spent the whole three weeks with his parents and two daughters vacationing on the Indian Ocean Islands andadagascar. As I was to become his wife.  He bought me 1.2 karat diamond engagement ring in January. All of this felt to good to be true, but then I quickly discovered he was lying to me, flirting and messaging other women, and talked about my private therapy to a friend of his not on medical field. He became secretive about the last two weeks of our relationship then he suddenly stopped all communication with me. I moved had moved in immediately as he asked. He subjected me to his sadistic and massochistic sexual fantasies.  I dispised sex.  I told him and he said he would work with a sex therapist as he was formerly addicted to porn.  

I feel so ashamed, guilty, sad and broken-hearted(weird as that sounds) I still love him, I'm glad it's over, but I can't stop fantasizing that he will come back and I will get that one more hug. The college of physicians and surgeons investigated but because I lied for him. He was not punished. The day after the disciplinary decision not to penalize him. He got his lawyer to send me a warning to not contact him or he will be forced to call the police.  He broke me! :'(

I'm still so confused. He is now best friends with a man (his former patient) from my community who is smearing my name. Any advice would be welcome... .

[Kelseas]

My heart is still in constant pain since our breakup a few months ago. My psychiatrist pursued me, using my personal info to contact me and find out where I live,  into a romantic relationship after being my doctor for 2 years. Our relationship lasted almost 5 months. I had total trust in him and instantly fell in love with him with all my heart.  He took me on lavish vacations, even a vacation for 3 weeks to meet his sister in France, and we spent the whole three weeks with his parents and two daughters vacationing on the Indian Ocean Islands andadagascar. As I was to become his wife.  He bought me 1.2 karat diamond engagement ring in January. All of this felt to good to be true, but then I quickly discovered he was lying to me, flirting and messaging other women, and talked about my private therapy to a friend of his not on medical field. He became secretive about the last two weeks of our relationship then he suddenly stopped all communication with me. I moved had moved in immediately as he asked. He subjected me to his sadistic and massochistic sexual fantasies.  I dispised sex.  I told him and he said he would work with a sex therapist as he was formerly addicted to porn.  

I feel so ashamed, guilty, sad and broken-hearted(weird as that sounds) I still love him, I'm glad it's over, but I can't stop fantasizing that he will come back and I will get that one more hug. The college of physicians and surgeons investigated but because I lied for him. He was not punished. The day after the disciplinary decision not to penalize him. He got his lawyer to send me a warning to not contact him or he will be forced to call the police.  He broke me! :'(

I'm still so confused. He is now best friends with a man (his former patient) from my community who is smearing my name. Any advice would be welcome... .

[Mutt]

Hi Kelseas,



I'm sorry you're going through this. I can see how painful and embarrassing that would feel that your ex was your P ( psychiatrist ) and was sharing personal information with a friend that wasn't in the same field of work and he's flirting and messaging other women.

I can also see how frustrating that would be that he didn't get disciplined for doing that and you get his lawyer sending you a warning  That's tough.

I understand wanting to get another hug. I can relate with smear campaigns, what are they saying?

It helps to talk.

[Kelseas]

They are blaming me for everything bad that he says happened to him.  He totally screwed up my medical resources, I have no where's to go when I'm seriously depressed. All the psychiatrists around my town won't see me as they say he is a colleague conflict of interest.  I'm so used of going to him for help and now I have nowhere to turn. They referred me to a hospital 3 hours away. I drive 6 hours for 1 hour of therapy.  They changed all my medications that my ex fiancé/psychiatrist had me on.  I felt like I was finally in remission. I've been suicidal and have attempted several times during our relationship and since he shut me out! He now hangs around down the street with this man who bad mouths me as being crazy and troublemaker. My ex is even interested in this mans daughter.  I'm so embarrassed, humiliated and hurting because my whole community sees him. I just don't know how much more my heart can take. 

[rotiroti]

You can be reported to the ethics board if you engage in a relationship with a former psych patient

[Kelseas]

I have reported him to his licensing board the College of Physicians and Surgeons of NB about  all of his hurtful actions towards his patients, including his treatment of me. He also talked about several of patients sessions idicating their identity.  Breached patients/doctor confidentiality several times. They are not in a hurry to officially deal with this doctor. I have pretty much cried every day since I moved out in March. I lost 20lbs, started drinking and gambling to numb the pain. I am in financial crisis because my pain was and still is so intense I stopped paying my bills, blew all the money I had in a few weeks.  I have been stressed out and feel desperate to stop the pain I feel so deep inside of my heart and soul.  He stole me! He took everything I had left inside of me and used, manipulated, stole my love, my trust, and my dignity from me when all I ever wanted was his love, to protect him and take care of him as he fooled me into believing he truly loved me.

[mango_flower]

I'm so so sorry you're going through this.

I wanted to tell you that it does get better.

I was in the same situation as you (emotionally at least) 2.5 years ago. I'm having a tough few days, so am back on the boards, but if I think back to how I felt then vs now, things do get better!

I'm still confused/hurt/love her BUT I can also compartmentalise it now, put it in a box and live my day to day life.  I laugh with friends. I am happy for the most part (until I think about her).

I know that place you're at now.  It's scary, soul destroying - you can't eat, you can't sleep, you feel like you're in a dream - like how did this happen?  What happened to the person I was in love with and who loved me completely?

I was in a daze for months, obsessive, on auto pilot, crying all the time.

I'm not 100% fixed. But I'm ok.

So I just wanted to tell you that this is the worst part, and things do get better.

[Mutt]

They are blaming me for everything bad that he says happened to him.  He totally screwed up my medical resources, I have no where's to go when I'm seriously depressed. All the psychiatrists around my town won't see me as they say he is a colleague conflict of interest.  I'm so used of going to him for help and now I have nowhere to turn. They referred me to a hospital 3 hours away. I drive 6 hours for 1 hour of therapy.  They changed all my medications that my ex fiancé/psychiatrist had me on.  I felt like I was finally in remission. I've been suicidal and have attempted several times during our relationship and since he shut me out! He now hangs around down the street with this man who bad mouths me as being crazy and troublemaker. My ex is even interested in this mans daughter.  I'm so embarrassed, humiliated and hurting because my whole community sees him. I just don't know how much more my heart can take.  

Hi Kelseas,

I'm sending you a lot of these  

I can see howembarrassing, humiliating and distressing this is.

Some and not all pwBPD ( I've been through this ) will be triggered and display extreme anger and will split their partners black and dissociate and project. This will die down and the best way to deal with him is with radio silence. You know what your truth and we don't need to Justify, Attack, Defend or Explain.

Water seeks it's own level.

His friends and colleagues will likely stick together, some may pick up that he says nothing but bad things? That would set off alarms bells for me. Did you have mutual friends?


The truth has a way of working it's way out.

I understand you have to drive 6 hours to go see a P  I would document this in a journal and how he's screwing up your medical resources.

You mentioned psychiatrists, are there counselors that you can talk to in the interim with having to go see a P out of town? Use our boards for support and talk to members that share similar experiences. This is a place where we can share our feelings openly without judgement or invalidation.

How are your friends and family for support?

[eeks]

They are blaming me for everything bad that he says happened to him.  He totally screwed up my medical resources, I have no where's to go when I'm seriously depressed. All the psychiatrists around my town won't see me as they say he is a colleague conflict of interest.  I'm so used of going to him for help and now I have nowhere to turn. They referred me to a hospital 3 hours away. I drive 6 hours for 1 hour of therapy.  They changed all my medications that my ex fiancé/psychiatrist had me on.  I felt like I was finally in remission. I've been suicidal and have attempted several times during our relationship and since he shut me out! He now hangs around down the street with this man who bad mouths me as being crazy and troublemaker. My ex is even interested in this mans daughter.  I'm so embarrassed, humiliated and hurting because my whole community sees him. I just don't know how much more my heart can take. 

As you might already know, the reason why doctors are prohibited from entering personal relationships with their patients is because of the imbalance of power between doctor and patient.  I'm sure that's easy to see when someone is your psychiatrist, when you are going to him precisely because you are in a vulnerable situation in your life. 

(I am currently unemployed but I was in a profession where I had an obligation re relationships with clients, but I choose for super-extra-paranoid-confidentiality reasons not to say what field I was employed in. )

You say your relationship started after he was your psychiatrist for 2 years (which I take to assume you were still seeing him for therapy at the time, and continued to do so during your 5 month relationship).  When you say he "cut off communication suddenly" does that include professionally?  He just abandoned you as a client?  He is probably under some kind of professional obligation regarding the circumstances in which he is allowed to terminate care, including possibly to refer you elsewhere.  The fact that he knew you were suicidal during the relationship and yet suddenly terminated the therapeutic relationship?  That's got to be a breach of some kind.

This "friend" of his who is bad-mouthing you might also be an issue with his code of ethics, depending when the "friendship" started (was this person still his patient). 

This "colleague conflict of interest" thing to me just smells funny.  Maybe they know what happened, and they are covering their butts, which is a disservice to you but unfortunately predictable.  However, I have to also cynically assume that your ex (or his "friend" may have also trash talked you to his colleagues and now they don't want to take you on because they think you are a "crazy client".  I dealt with two highly intelligent pwBPD (one friend, one brief relationship) and I will tell you, their "victim stories" were coherent and believable... .at first.  Until I started realizing that they each had a long list of people who did them wrong.  But his medical colleagues, if he in fact has BPD or traits, they might not know that so they just buy into what he's saying.

You are saying the College of Physicians & Surgeons are "not in a hurry to deal with this guy", maybe so, but as a taxpaying member of the public you are entitled to government services... .and the way he's dealt with this has clearly affected your health adversely.  Like Mutt says, document everything, and if they're really not making sure you have the medical care you need, or dealing with the evidence against this guy in an appropriate and timely manner, maybe give a call to the provincial Ombudsman if you have one (by NB you mean New Brunswick?)  I don't know if they deal with health care services complaints, but worth a call.

I'm angry.  If everything you say is true, this person should not be anyone's psychiatrist.  I fear that my righteous indignation has gotten in the way of my empathy.  Oh well.  I'm still angry.

[Kelseas]

 We started the relationship in November and after we spent our first night together then we discussed terminating the patient Dr. relationship this relationship came about suddenly.  It would take 20 pages to tell you all the terrible things he put me through he had me on Xanax which I've never taken in my life we had both taken an accidental overdose he used to drive so fast to scare me and was extremely jealous and controlling and argued with some of my male friends to stop talking to me somehow I allowed this behavior this behaviour. I believed he loved me knowing all about my past, my secrets,  :'(my medications and totally loved me. It blew my mind. I'm 45, he is 40. Very attractive, and I trusted him with all of my heart. 

When the college was investigating us back in February.  We argued, he had us both on clonazepam, Xanax and for me a high dose of vyvance 70 mg and other pills to lose weight. He told me often I was fat.   All of his weirdness I passed off to myself as him being from Europe namely France.  I don't want to sound like a victim but he got religious and told me using versus from the Old Testament that I could not refuse sex.

I believed the bad things were his bi polar episodes, and that he truly was a good person.  I'm starting to only understand now that the good and bad are the same person. 

He admitted to me that he played with his patients weights using meds.  He also told me he used to steal to see if he could get away with it.  He completely stopped communicating with me soon after I moved out near end of March.  I continued to call, email and text him believing that he still loved me but couldn't reply because of the college.  He did tell me to wait after the disciplinary decision from the college and we'll see what we will do.  But in May, I was told he was pursuing this bad guys daughter.  When the decision came out not to suspend him, I painted this Doctor as an angel.  I left out all the dark stuff.

I'm embarrassed and ashamed of myself for falling in love with him and I continued to ignore to myself the bad stuff he did.  I blamed his sickness, but I felt I could control him and get him into treatment.  The college told me to submit a letter in writing to have this doctors conduct reviewed.  I feel too weak to write the letter. But I will, and I will do what it takes to feel healthy and safe again.  

[Kelseas]

And the College of physicians and surgeons told me that I could never be in a relationship with this doctor because he is not allowed to date present or past patients.  He said I will always be a past patient by definition.  They did tell me they empathized with me. 

[Kelseas]

And the College of physicians and surgeons told me that I could never be in a relationship with this doctor because he is not allowed to date present or past patients.  He said I will always be a past patient by definition.  They did tell me they empathized with me. 

And yes this friend was his patient when the acted like friends working on a common venture together.

[eeks]

I'm embarrassed and ashamed of myself for falling in love with him and I continued to ignore to myself the bad stuff he did.  I blamed his sickness, but I felt I could control him and get him into treatment. 

I think a lot of us here have similar feelings.  We see the good in our (current or former) partners, and rationalize away problems and engage in the "if only"s.  There's nothing to be ashamed about for loving him, especially since your situation had the added variable of him being in a position of trust and authority in relation to you.  Because of that, he really has no excuse.

The college told me to submit a letter in writing to have this doctors conduct reviewed.  I feel too weak to write the letter. But I will, and I will do what it takes to feel healthy and safe again.   

I understand.  It's a hard thing to do when there's such intense personal emotion associated with it.  However, I'm wondering if it would be a helpful perspective to realize that this is someone in a position of trust with regards to the public, and so this situation is not a personal he-said-she-said, and it's not retaliation on your part, it's that he's broken rules that are part of the conditions of his employment as a psychiatrist, period.  So this is not only to protect yourself, it's also to protect others.  (maybe protect him from himself, but that's another story... .)  Because you are telling the truth, you are doing the right thing, even if it is difficult.

What support do you have?  Even if it's just a friend to sit beside you.