I just got engaged and my mother is NOT okay with it

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've been a lurker on this site for quite some time, and I've found a lot of solace and relief just from reading everyone's stories.

So first off, thank you! This forum makes me feel less crazy, and way less alone.

My mother has BPD and NPD traits, as do my older sister. My dad left when we were young (and he's a negligent parent, no love lost there) and growing up I had a lot of love from my mom and my sister... .as well as a lot of emotional abuse. My role was punching bag, scapegoat, you name it. I just assumed I was defective or bad, and every mistake I made (breaking a nice dish, drinking the last diet coke in the fridge) wasn't just accidental/thoughtless error, but a vindictive plot from me to hurt my mom (in her words). I suffered terrible depression and anxiety throughout high school, which worsened when my sister left to go to college.

It's over a decade later. I'm 31. I enjoy my work, I have built long-lasting friendships... .and I just got engaged to my boyfriend of 6 years. He is kind and smart and truly a good person, as well as my soulmate. And he has never been anything but kind, courteous, and generous to my family. My mother always professed to liking him (with some criticisms) and claimed to look forward to our eventual wedding/having kids. She'd talk about planning a beautiful, budget-conscious wedding with me, and I got excited.

Whelp, I got engaged last weekend, and my fiancee threw me a surprise party to celebrate... .mom was there, enjoying herself. This weekend, we got together for lunch, and I was excited to talk wedding stuff. I'd already received a lukewarm response from my sister, who skipped the party and was uninterested in hearing about it. I told my mom that it really hurt my feelings that sis didn't care, and she agreed and was understanding.

72 hours later... .

We're having lunch and I tell her I'm excited about getting married. She's like, "whatever, you've been together forever." Okay, that's true. I tell her I wish she'd be more enthusiastic, and she legit asks why. Why should she be excited about my engagement? It felt like a knife through the heart.

She then proceeded to tell me not to count on her for any money, as she thinks my fiancee and I are irresponsible with money and would fritter it away (we aren't, btw) and that she'll pay for the dress but that's it. She also accused me of only spending time with her when I want something/money, despite never returning my texts and NEVER asking me to hang out. It was such an emotional bait-and-switch.

And I knew it too... .do you ever have that twitchy 6th sense when the Mr. Hyde lever has been pulled and your mom transforms into a rage machine? I felt it when I picked her up, but I ignored it. My mistake.

She then launched into a tirade about my selfishness, and brought up my attempt to reconcile with my father 8 months ago. And by "attempt to reconcile" I mean send him one email he never responded to. One email. She's been steaming about it for nearly a year! She also accused me of "not being real" with her, as if I was putting on some superficial mask. She assumes that every decision I make is bc I'm my fiancee's puppet, incapable of my own thoughts!

She then just accused me of stuff that is tacitly untrue, and accused me of hating her guts. And all of a sudden, I'm a scared 13 year old girl again. With no other adults and a sister that was merely a reflection of my mother, I genuinely thought I was going crazy. She would be so convincing that I must have done what she said and not remember it!

I was so overwhelmed and heartbroken, I broke into a full-on anxiety attack. She tried to calm me, but I couldn't stand to be near her. Why am I still so bereft by her lack of approval? I always read it as her not loving me, but she always tells me she does. She also tells me I'm a bottomless pit that's incapable of hearing her.

My friends and fiancee are super-loving and supportive, which helps, and I have a really great therapist. She told me that I have to accept the fact that my mom won't be there to do the traditional wedding mom things. She said that I have to grieve that, and I am. I'm just so ___ing sad and angry, you know?

Ugh, anyway, that's whats going on with me. Has anyone else experienced that with their parent? I would love to know that I'm not alone.

Thanks!

[MissMatzoh]

I've been a lurker on this site for quite some time, and I've found a lot of solace and relief just from reading everyone's stories.

So first off, thank you! This forum makes me feel less crazy, and way less alone.

My mother has BPD and NPD traits, as do my older sister. My dad left when we were young (and he's a negligent parent, no love lost there) and growing up I had a lot of love from my mom and my sister... .as well as a lot of emotional abuse. My role was punching bag, scapegoat, you name it. I just assumed I was defective or bad, and every mistake I made (breaking a nice dish, drinking the last diet coke in the fridge) wasn't just accidental/thoughtless error, but a vindictive plot from me to hurt my mom (in her words). I suffered terrible depression and anxiety throughout high school, which worsened when my sister left to go to college.

It's over a decade later. I'm 31. I enjoy my work, I have built long-lasting friendships... .and I just got engaged to my boyfriend of 6 years. He is kind and smart and truly a good person, as well as my soulmate. And he has never been anything but kind, courteous, and generous to my family. My mother always professed to liking him (with some criticisms) and claimed to look forward to our eventual wedding/having kids. She'd talk about planning a beautiful, budget-conscious wedding with me, and I got excited.

Whelp, I got engaged last weekend, and my fiancee threw me a surprise party to celebrate... .mom was there, enjoying herself. This weekend, we got together for lunch, and I was excited to talk wedding stuff. I'd already received a lukewarm response from my sister, who skipped the party and was uninterested in hearing about it. I told my mom that it really hurt my feelings that sis didn't care, and she agreed and was understanding.

72 hours later... .

We're having lunch and I tell her I'm excited about getting married. She's like, "whatever, you've been together forever." Okay, that's true. I tell her I wish she'd be more enthusiastic, and she legit asks why. Why should she be excited about my engagement? It felt like a knife through the heart.

She then proceeded to tell me not to count on her for any money, as she thinks my fiancee and I are irresponsible with money and would fritter it away (we aren't, btw) and that she'll pay for the dress but that's it. She also accused me of only spending time with her when I want something/money, despite never returning my texts and NEVER asking me to hang out. It was such an emotional bait-and-switch.

And I knew it too... .do you ever have that twitchy 6th sense when the Mr. Hyde lever has been pulled and your mom transforms into a rage machine? I felt it when I picked her up, but I ignored it. My mistake.

She then launched into a tirade about my selfishness, and brought up my attempt to reconcile with my father 8 months ago. And by "attempt to reconcile" I mean send him one email he never responded to. One email. She's been steaming about it for nearly a year! She also accused me of "not being real" with her, as if I was putting on some superficial mask. She assumes that every decision I make is bc I'm my fiancee's puppet, incapable of my own thoughts!

She then just accused me of stuff that is tacitly untrue, and accused me of hating her guts. And all of a sudden, I'm a scared 13 year old girl again. With no other adults and a sister that was merely a reflection of my mother, I genuinely thought I was going crazy. She would be so convincing that I must have done what she said and not remember it!

I was so overwhelmed and heartbroken, I broke into a full-on anxiety attack. She tried to calm me, but I couldn't stand to be near her. Why am I still so bereft by her lack of approval? I always read it as her not loving me, but she always tells me she does. She also tells me I'm a bottomless pit that's incapable of hearing her.

My friends and fiancee are super-loving and supportive, which helps, and I have a really great therapist. She told me that I have to accept the fact that my mom won't be there to do the traditional wedding mom things. She said that I have to grieve that, and I am. I'm just so ___ing sad and angry, you know?

Ugh, anyway, that's whats going on with me. Has anyone else experienced that with their parent? I would love to know that I'm not alone.

Thanks!

[Kwamina]

Hi MissMatzoh

Congratulations on your engagement! The two of you have been together for a long time already and the way you describe him your fiancée sounds like a very kind person. After all you've been through with your mother, sister and absent father, I am glad you have this good relationship with your partner and also some long-lasting friendships.

I am sorry that your mother behaved the way she did. That was really unpleasant and hurtful of her. Are you familiar with the book 'Understanding the Borderline Mother' by Christine Ann Lawson? In it the author describes the 'Turn', which refers to the moment that you realize the 'good' mom has disappeared and the 'Witch' has emerged. It sounds like you had a similar experience when you talk about your twitchy 6th sense.

Your sadness and anger are understandable. BPD poses us with a harsh reality. Accepting the reality of having a BPD parent is often very hard because it means letting go of the stable loving 'fantasy parent' we never had, probably will never have yet might still long for. Do you feel like you've been able to let go of the 'fantasy' mother?

Take care and welcome to bpdfamily

[survivor1990]

Hey MissMatzoh

I can understand how you are feeling. My mum has uBPD and hates my long-term boyfriend with a passion. She says that he is not suitable for me and doesn't offer me anything. Apparently I can't see this because I am so insecure that I need someone (anyone) to be in a relationship because otherwise I feel desperate and isolated. In psychology we call this projection - it is when someone finds their thoughts and feelings so intollerable that they associate them with another person. So for example, she calls you selfish when it is actually very clear to see that she is in fact the selfish one here.

It has been very hard with my mum and partner. She has tried to humilliate him and insult him which makes me very very angry. For me, it was a big turning point accepting that she will never approve of him and we will never be the big happy family. It took a long time mourning that loss, but at the same time I am no loner disappointed because I know what to expect.

I wonder whether it is worth putting in some boundaries or rules with your mum to protect yourself? For example, I say to my mum that if I feel either one of us is getting angry, I will end the conversation because I don't want anyting hurtful to be said.

[JohnnyShoes]

She also tells me I'm a bottomless pit that's incapable of hearing her.

THIS is projection on your mothers part. She's actually saying that SHE is a bottomless pit that CANNOT hear you.

Thanks for writing. I'm lurking too (as far as sharing anything about my bp mother)

But I got comfort from your story.

I'm 53 and had several years if suspecting my mother has BPD... .today, I'm almost certain...

It's scary to think about and acknowledge the damage she's done to me. I'm without words.

But... just wanted to thank you.

Keep on keeping on

Johnny

[bpchild]

Hi MissMatzoh

Wow... .this post really hit home for me.  I am going through a very similar situation.  My boyfriend is the kindest and sweetest person that I know, but my mother absolutely hates him.  She has several times declared that she cannot stand him and says that she doesn't have a reason why and she shouldn't have to, she just has a "feeling" and that should enough reason for me not to want to be with him.  The worst part is, she said this at the beginning, and then when she was calmer, said that if I wanted to be with him, that was fine, he just wasn't someone that she would've picked.  She went on acting as if things were fine for almost a year and let me get close to him and then overnight she went into one of her rages and said that if I didn't break up with him that I would be ruining our family and that nothing would ever be the same because she would hate him and hate me and I would forever have to live with being the cause of our family falling apart.

It's so hard and so emotionally exhausting, but I have to remember that this anger has nothing to do with me or my boyfriend.  We didn't cause this problem and we cannot control it. 

[GreenGlit]

Aside from the absent father -- I seriously could have written this entire post. I also have a uBPD mother and uBPD sister, a basically emotionally absent father (he won't intervene or give opinions that differ from my mother), and parents who were initially very excited about my engagement and then excitement being completely fizzled out over seemingly arbitrary details.

First of all - congratulations on finding a partner that can be a part of your life and supports a healthy environment. I am getting married next month to a wonderful man, my soulmate if you believe in those things... .it was a very hard road to get to a place where I could trust and love someone after a childhood of conditional affections from my mother. I am so thrilled for you.

I know the pain you feel when your mother suddenly flips off the excitement switch. It's like you feel so thrilled to have this event, this joyous time in your life, and want your family to be able to set aside their differences and celebrate YOU having a good life and starting something so wonderful with another person. Any caring and loving mother would be happy for you, right? What more could someone ask for than a man who considers you, treats you with respect, and will help provide a good life for you?

But if your mom is truly uBPD, it's so much more than that. In my case I could see, even with my sister's marriage, that my mother doesn't take this transition well. In some ways I think she sees it as a form of abandonment. Not "I'm choosing to make my life bigger with this person" but instead as "I'm choosing a life with HIM and not YOU, mom." It's not about her - and yet in her eyes everything is about her in some way. For my mom, my fiancé was a huge threat. He was loving, doting, kind, patient... .made me a better person. His family was loving and welcoming, bought me plane tickets to visit them, sent me lovely gifts on my birthday... .you'd think she would be thrilled. But in her eyes I was leaving her and picking them. There is no other word except to say that it is SICK.

I can relate to the older sister situation too. My sister is a complete extension of my mother - the same opinions, rage, etc. I was the scapegoat, the mascot, the young daughter who needed to yield to the emotional needs of my volatile sister and mother. When I requested from my sister to please have her children babysat during our 20 minute ceremony to avoid interruptions, she flew into such a rage, saying I'm "shunning the family from the wedding" (we were having a completely child-free wedding with the unique exception of my nephews, who I wanted around for the entirety of the day... .basically the opposite of "shunning" and long story short, she isn't coming to the wedding and we haven't spoken since October. She even told me "this day isn't about you." Really.

I'm not sure what advice to give you on your current situation, but I can tell you this: this wedding is about YOU. Don't ever forget that. I spent a LOT of time early on trying to please my mom and my sister, because I learned from a young age that this was my job... .my duty. Any time I asked anything of them, it was met with rage and backlash. Don't forget EVER that this is YOUR day. Additionally, your wedding is not just a party. It is a very symbolic event. It is a demonstration to the people closest to you that you promise yourself to this other person, in sickness and in health, blah blah, and will dedicate yourself to them. More importantly in your case, it is a demonstration to your family of how you expect to be treated as a married couple.

I realized very early after my engagement that if I sacrificed what I wanted to please them, I was basically telling them that they can expect me to do the same after I'm married. Stand by what you want. Your wedding will involve a room full of people who love you and care about you and celebrate you. Your mom may be sulking in a corner, but it's not because you did anything wrong. Don't waste your time seeking her affections. Hopefully she will come around, and perhaps after the initial shock of the engagement she may learn to celebrate this wonderful time with you. But you have enough to be happy about to let it be spoiled by this. I wish I could go back and take those months after my engagement I spent crying in sadness, wishing I had a mother that loved me better, and let it go and spent more time being happy I was engaged. Just recently, 1 month before I get married, I've learned to do that and accept that my mom just won't be excited on my wedding day. I hope things fare better for you with your mother - but for now, enjoy these wonderful fleeting moments with your fiancé and all the people around you who can so easily and unselfishly celebrate your happiness.



Greenglit

[Auslaunder]

Miss Matzoh,

Congratulations on your engagement!  I'm so sorry you are having trouble with your mother during a time that should be happy and when attention should be centered all of you and your fiance. My father has BPD and he becomes difficult during every family gathering, such as funerals, weddings, and graduations.  I believe these events give him a lot of anxiety about abandonment. 

I am the scape goat child and he refused to come to my wedding or even meet my fiance. Without ever meeting him he would tell me what a terrible choice I was making. He convinced other family members not to come as well. It was very disappointing. Over time he got used to the idea of me being married though.

My case with my wedding was very extreme behavior from him. It may seem cruel, but my family had to set expectations for his behavior during these important events. If he doesn't follow them, his invitation is recinded. That's usually how we handle his rages and demands and insults to other family members.

No matter what, stay positive. This is your day! And you are starting a new life that will bring you lots of happiness.