I'm feeling good today, so this is coming from a sense of trying to understand, though I know BPD can be different a lot. I just wish I knew what happened and why he acted like everything was good, only to disappear for good.
I noticed his distance (he missed my birthday party that weekend after causing a scene about it the weekend before, asking if I was going to tell him my birthday plans... .) and asked him if he wasn't feeling me anymore, or wasn't ready to date after I had checked on him that following Monday, and said I wanted to know because after three years of being single and working on myself, I was ready.
He took a whole day to think on it and finally replied that he wasn't ready, hadn't realized that that was what was going on, and didn't want me to think he was trying to waste my time.
I told him I couldn't invest in someone who couldn't invest in me, but that I wasn't going to just drop him like men did me when I was recovering and emotionally unavailable from my abusive relationship. I told him I was taking a few steps back and that would keep us from getting on different pages again. I told him that there was nothing wrong with being in the healing stages and not being ready and that he had to heal at his own pace. I told him I was here for him and cared about him as a person.
He came back and shocked me by finally expressing how he felt. Now, I think it's because I said I was backing away and he didn't feel engulfed anymore. He apologized for taking a few hours to respond because he "had company." He said he really liked me, liked getting to know me, didn't know how much time he needed, but thought we could have something good. He didn't want to rush it, didn't want to hold me back, and wanted to still continue talking,
regardless of what was good for me.
*Those were his exact words and it kinda floored me. Did he really mean it that way?
I said we could definitely still talk and that I thought we could have something too, all the while saying I was happy that we were on the same page again. I even joked and said, "But, regardless of what is best for me? Lol."
He replied, "Yeah, thanks for understanding and putting me in my place. I probably needed that. I sometimes have the tendency to jump before looking, but like I said I really like what we have so far
"
I was flabbergasted, but so happy. I told him I liked what we had too.
That was the end of the conversation.
Two weeks go by and he never says a word to me, after making such a point to say he wanted to continue talking. I actually felt a little hurt about it because if that's not how he felt he should have cut me loose when I brought it up, but I decided that maybe he was waiting on me to set the pace, so I shot him a short and funny, yet light and friendly message. It was a picture of our friend and myself in one of those "stick your face in the hole" photo booths at a restaurant and a caption.
He had been texting our other friend that night, so I know he got my text. Two days go by... .nothing.
I was growing beyond upset. I felt like I had put my heart on the line, only to believe that things were good. And now, he was ignoring me. Something he had never done before. I knew something bad was happening. I didn't want to believe it, that I had been duped once again. HOOK, LINE, AND SINKER.
So, deciding to choose to be vulnerable and straightforward, instead of playing games and waiting on him to deem me as worthy of his existence, I laid it all out in one text message and sent it, no regrets.
This is what it said:
Look, Brian. I'm not going to play this push/pull game with you. I've been there, so I know what's going on. Because I care, you push me away. If I treated you like sh*t and was shady (the kind of girls you've probably always dated because they were "safe" and emotionally unavailable which usually means they are crazy in some way but they never made you uncomfortable because they truly never cared about you) then you would be contacting me.
Trust me, I've seen this in myself. I'm very self-aware. It's also why I felt comfortable being myself with you and why I made more moves than I usually do (our friends kept encouraging me to just go for it) = you're safe and emotionally unavailable, thus things wouldn't truly progress and subconsciously, I recognized this so I felt safe taking a risk with you. Yet, the guys that are texting me and wanting to take me out... .I'm like eh, and avoid like the plague. Hahaha. It's a b___. We're very much alike and I knew that the night we had that deep conversation and got real with each other. It's a cycle. To break it, we both - since we like each other - have to see it and understand why we do it, and work to fix it.
We're both scared, but we are showing it in different ways. I'll admit it, it's scary to be vulnerable with someone and we are both too broken from our pasts to dive into something that ultimately puts us at risk. We'd rather date people who can never give us what we need and play it safe, forever dooming ourselves to crazy b___es and psycho asss, instead of going against the grain and dating someone that makes us uncomfortable for all the right reasons. THIS is why I've been single for 3 years. I saw the pattern, understood why I did it, and have worked very hard to change the kind of man I date.
It means you have a big heart and it has gotten crushed several times. As a way to cope, you subconsciously condemn yourself to women that will continue the cycle and hurt you because they don't care and don't pressure you
(clarification: want commitment and respect), you feel safe, open up, and then BOOM. They rip you to shreds. This is all of my relationships in a nutshell. It's probably yours too.
So, what I'm saying is... .I'm a very open and honest person and I don't want to scare you off, I just want to be myself with you and I want you to be yourself with me. I'm very passionate as my guy friends say, but it's because life is short and you've got to take chances, and for once in my life, I feel like I've found someone as good-hearted as me, and I would be stupid to just let you drift away without trying to tell you this.
I understand it's scary. But, if you'll work with me, I would like to see where this could go because there is definitely something between us.
If you don't respond, I will go on about my life, make peace with it, and ultimately wish you the best. I just had to take this chance.
_________________________________________________________
This was before it all hit me that he is probably BPD. After he ignored my friendly message and that final message, I just couldn't understand what I had done. What had changed? How someone can go from acting like things were good and we had something, to ignoring my existence?
I have read and re-read my final message so many times that I start feeling like I sound crazy, though I was just painfully honest. As a codependent, I have a tendency to push away people who care about me because it feels unnatural. It feels like they are the deceitful ones because the lonely child within has a hard time believing that someone could just freely love me, instead of making me earn it. Thus, those who make it about earning it (like this guy wanting to "take it slow" and stringing me along) it feels legit because that's how I got love growing up... .by being good and meeting my psycho mother's conditions.
I hate this about myself. My perception of love and relationships is so warped and I feel like it is ingrained into the depths of my subconscious, so no matter how aware I am consciously, I still wind up in the situations, scratching my head when they turn into Mr. Hyde.
We are the flip-side of the same coin and I think that's why - though when I wrote the final message I didn't realize he was likely BPD - I got pretty close to describing his problem.
We both push away people who freely love and care about us, but because of different reasons.
Codependents push "normal" people away because we have a hard time of believing that those people really care and it makes us uncomfortable to not have to earn love. Intimacy is scary and it isn't what we know as something that's reciprocated freely to us.
Borderlines push "normal" people away because they have a hard time letting their walls down and not feeling like someone is totally taking them over when intimacy is involved. Intimacy is a full surrender of their being and they aren't willing.
I think that's why we make the perfect dysfunctional dance. We stay because we feel we must earn their love and show them the love we which we could find, but won't allow ourselves to feel/find because it doesn't feel real. They run because we offer them the very thing they fear: intimacy. It scares the crap out of them and they realize that we need intimacy, something they can't give. It works for a while because we hold out, thinking they will give us what we need if we act just right. It works on their end because they hold us at a distance and buy their time.
It's just so complicated. I just can't understand why the supposed "good guy" I got to know can so quickly switch from being so nice and communicative with me... .to ignoring my existence for good.
Then, I hear that in the last month, he's been drinking like a fish. All of his friends are worried about him, saying he's drinking to deal with his feelings.
There is such a mixture of compassion, sadness, and anger.
I understand because I'm merely on the flipped side of the coin, yet I don't because codependents could never hurt someone in the way we've been hurt.
In the end, we're better off. We just have to learn to let the right people in and understand that love is freely given in a respectful relationship where two emotionally healthy and communicative adults reside.
I will never get that from a guy that holds me behind a cellphone, sabotages dates, and runs anytime we get closer, and ultimately ignores me after making me think we were good.
I hope I can erase it all and move forward.
