he made a cruel confession

[klacey3]

Ex continued to email me to get me to ring me. It didnt work and I told him if he carries on or if his friends/family do contact me I will show them the emails he has been sending me.

He then tells me he kissed the same girl at least 15 times while we were together and only his sister used to question why he would bring 2 girls round. Apparently no-one cared as everyone hated me. He said he even took another girl to a family wedding he told me he didnt go to. He said he only told me crap over emails because i am a gullible cu**. He said he was only with me because I am minted.

I feel so hurt and so angry and so confused. A part of me wonders whether he is just saying this because he is angry at me constantly rejecting him and threatening to tell people about his suicidal talk and threats. But another part of me thinks what he is saying is really the truth. I saw a photo of a few girls on his phone before which seemed like near the time of a family wedding he was invited to.

I cannot explain how I feel right now... other than completely stupid, gullible, worthless and angry

[Mutt]

Hi klacey3,


I'm sorry to hear that   It sounds like he's lashing out trying to cause hurt and pain.

He said he only told me crap over emails because i am a gullible cu**. He said he was only with me because I am minted.

He sounds volatile here, was he like this in his email exchanges with you?

[gameover]

Hey klacey3, do you want to know the real reason he's telling you all these things?

#1:  To see if he still has power over you. But klacey3, he's your ex!  He's lost/losing control and he's trying desperately to get it back.  Whether those things did or did not happen doesn't matter.  Some guys will cheat, some won't.  But it's in the past.  It's a lesson learned.

#2:  He's insecure.  He's trying to make himself feel better by bringing you down.  That's hella weak.  

Things to take away from his 'Confession':

#1.  This is proof that your break up was for the best.

#2.  He feels threatened by you (if he didn't still care, he wouldn't bother).

#3.  When someone lies to you, it says more about them then it does about you.  So you're not stupid, you're not gullible... .you just got involved with the wrong dude.  There's no way you can tell if you can trust someone until you do.

#4.  :)o not let this man control your worth.  I repeat, Do not let this man control your worth.  He's 1 person out of 8 BILLION.  :)oes his opinion/treatment of you really really say anything about the type of person you are?  Hint:  Only if you let it.

Do you know what the best revenge is to this type of man?  Live happily without him.    

[HappyNihilist]

klacey, I'm so sorry.   That is hurtful to hear.

You're confused, hurt, and angry - not just at him, but at yourself. It's completely understandable to have such complicated emotional turmoil after hearing things like that. Just go easy on yourself. You're not stupid or worthless.  

It's very possible that he is hurt and angry at your rejections and you threatening to tell people about him, and he's lashing out. You're understandably hurt and angry, too. Your boundaries are not being respected. His behavior seems to be escalating.

The best thing right now might be to go NC and block his emails. Do you think you would want to do that?

[klacey3]

I told him I was still going to contact people about his threats. He said "if you contact people I will contact other people to deal with you"  ... .i dont know what to do...

[HappyNihilist]

I told him I was still going to contact people about his threats. He said "if you contact people I will contact other people to deal with you"  ... .i dont know what to do...

It's a confusing, hurtful situation. 

I would recommend not engaging him. He's already emotionally dysregulated, and he's upset that you said you were going to tell people about him. Continuing to say that to him will only serve to escalate the situation.

The best course of action right now might be radio silence.

[Mutt]

Hi klacey3,

I completely understand how incredible the pain is that our exes' cause us

I agree NC will stop the bleeding. How about NC like HappyNihilist suggested?

[klacey3]

I told him I was still going to contact people about his threats. He said "if you contact people I will contact other people to deal with you"  ... .i dont know what to do...

It's a confusing, hurtful situation. 

I would recommend not engaging him. He's already emotionally dysregulated, and he's upset that you said you were going to tell people about him. Continuing to say that to him will only serve to escalate the situation.

The best course of action right now might be radio silence.

Im scared because of what he said "if you involve other peoplw I will get people to deal with you" thats a serious threat... he has also told me before "if you continue to be a c*nt I will give u a reason to be upset" "if i hadnt fallen for your psycho ways i would hurt you" he has also told me before he has been falsely accused twice of rape... i dont know why he would tell me this... he actually has issues with sex and rarely even wanted to so he hardly seems like a rapist but maybe its all a facade :-/

How many threats do I ignore... I cant delete my email address incase i need his emails as proof.

[Mutt]

Its emotional blackmail and there's also projection, I understand how scary this feels, if you feel that you need outside help I would recommend calling the police and looking into a restraining order.

Ex continued to email me to get me to ring me.

Can you create a folder and message rule to forward his email to a folder for proof and so that it doesn't show up in your inbox? It can help us with our triggers when we don't see our ex partners emails immediately in our inbox.

We can take our power back by not giving a response to emails when our exe's are not at their baseline and are emotionally dysregulated. It is a good idea to keep emails for records and proof for police, lawyers and judges.

Know When To Involve Others

Most emotional blackmail is hurtful, but not dangerous. This article is addressing the former, not the latter.

However, in some cases the pressure and threats may involve physical or sexual abuse or illegal activity.  When they do, do not go it alone.  If it seems as if behaviors may escalate to this, do not go it alone. Visibility is very important in abusive situations; friends, family, lawyers, the police - all can have a significant centering affect on someone who dysreglates into abusive behavior.  In these cases, safety planning is also very important. Contact your local domestic abuse resource for help with this.

Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

[klacey3]

I told him I was still going to contact people about his threats. He said "if you contact people I will contact other people to deal with you"  ... .i dont know what to do...

It's a confusing, hurtful situation. 

I would recommend not engaging him. He's already emotionally dysregulated, and he's upset that you said you were going to tell people about him. Continuing to say that to him will only serve to escalate the situation.

The best course of action right now might be radio silence.

Thats true. I do feel bad about telling him I would consider telling people about his suicidal thoughts. I think its what triggered his outburst. I told him before that if I thought he was going to commit suicide I would have to tell someone as I cant have that on my hands. He told me he was joking about it and i am just some girl and there will be others. Then he told me the next day he didnt mean it and only said that because he cant let people know about his suicidal feelings... definetly seems like he will do and say anything to get a reaction, have control and most of all make sure people don't see his insecurities and real self (the one that would be claim to want to die because of losing a girl)

I did tell him that if he stops contact then I wont go to anyone else. He told me not to threaten him or I will regret it and he will get people to deal with me and send me a special message if i do...

I can't help but be so angry that he thinks he can threaten me and insult me constantly but if i threaten to tell people what he tells me he then threatens me again by having me 'dealt with'... telling me all sorts of extremely hurtful things when he knows that at the time of these messages I was spending time with a severely ill (cancer) family member.

It seems so cruel I wonder whether he is narcisstic.

[klacey3]

Now I feel confused and wonder whether I deserve to be hurt because I threatened to do something that would hurt him... (show  all of his emails to the police. This would include his declarations of love for me, hate for me, suicidal talk and implied threats)

[Lunira]

No, you don't deserve to be hurt for defending yourself (what the heck?), and don't let anyone convince you that you do.  Think about it -- what right is more fundamental than that of self-defense?  Without that right, no other legal right (life, property, etc) can exist.

I don't know if I was originally "meant" to be a touchy feely sort of person... .if so, having a BPD mother destroyed most of my capacity for same.  So instead, I'll give you some practical advice.

Inform him that you have left copies of all the incriminating evidence (emails, etc) with a few different friends of yours, and that they will IMMEDIATELY go to the police with everything they know if anything happens to you.  Then inform him that you wish no further contact whatsoever.  :)o so quite explicitly, make it absolutely 100% crystal clear that you are done and that he is not to contact you again.

Block him on everything (phone/email/facebook/etc).

Any mutual friends you two had, cut them off and block them too.  Not worth the risk.  

Tell your real friends/family what you have done, that he is DANGEROUS, and to tell him absolutely nothing/not even respond if he attempts to contact them.

Print your evidence out and leave it with at least one friend.

Take out a restraining order.

Assuming you don't live in a country that is a nanny state hellhole (prohibits or severely curtails private ownership of firearms, etc), buy an easily concealable gun (most pistols would work), if you don't already have one.  If you are not proficient with firearms, take a training course.  You might want to seriously consider a concealed carry permit, as well, and to take your gun with you everywhere you can.

If you can't or don't want to move, then at least vary your routine such that your comings and goings are unpredictable.