The Ultimate Recycle... What a fool I have been...

[Nextinline]

It's been a while since I have posted here in this forum.

I had been going through a breakup with a GF that I had found, through some research, exhibits all the signs of BPD with narcissism and histrionics thrown in as well.

We had split initially in March this year and I had to go through all the name calling and blame apportioning that any man could go through as she vented all her hatred on me as the cause of her unhappiness and the cause of the relationship failure. She accepted no responsibility at all.

Some weeks after the break up with me she was already involved with a new guy who was going to marry her, give her a child, love her forever and that they were going to live together effective immediately.

Then the wheels fell of that relationship for her. He had declared himself bankrupt some time before they met, he had a lousy job, he didn't have enough money, he couldn't give her the material things that she demanded in life.

So, one night I get a call from her. She was hysterical and bordering on doing something drastic to herself through some self harm. She said to me that I was the only one who understood her and that she had no one else to turn to and that without me she was nothing.

When I started to dig into what was happening, I found out that she had put all her own money down on an apartment so that they could move into together. She had finally come to the realisation that he had nothing and that she had committed to someone that she should not have and that she should never have left me and that she still very much loved me.

So, me being what I thought was an unselfish guy, I helped her to get out of the situation she had put herself in. This took a few weeks but her intensity of emotion towards me increased every day as I helped her out of this situation and to recover her money.

She said she wanted to be back with me and to start over. My requirements were pretty clear, and they were to have this guy gone from her life for good. She said she would do that and went about, apparently, making that happen. What I have since found out was that it was not a clean cut.

Anyway, we reconnected and the relationship between her and I took off to new heights. We were out at dinner every other night, we were away every weekend, we were planning holidays and we were planning to get married. We went ring shopping as things were that set between us.

We booked a holiday in Waikiki together and that was where I was going to propose.

In the lead up to that I noticed some changed behaviour as far as her protection of her mobile phone. It never left her side and the screen, which used to be face up, was now face down in the phone pouch. That made me start to get suspicious.

I went away with work a week before we were to leave for Hawaii. In that week something changed. Her SMS became shorter, the affection disappeared, there were no more smiley faces in the SMS. Things became very withdrawn. It was so bad that the night I came home after a week away, she was reluctant to come over and see me. Over the course of that following weekend, I asked her outright if she was still seeing or contacting the other guy.

Well then the flood gates opened. She said she was not seeing him but she still loved him, she still cared about him, she still had feelings for him and that she was so confused that she did not know what to do. This she told me while she was laying beside me in my bed. This she told me 3 days before we were to leave for Hawaii where we were to get engaged.

To say I was totally devastated by this revelation would be an understatement. Her logic was that I should be happy that she was being honest with me... .even though I had just poured twelve and a half grand into a ring and quite a few grand into an Hawaiian holiday.

At this point she was still denying that she was having any contact with the bankrupt ex who lives in one room of a frat house full of other substance abusers.

Well, we ended up resolving the discussion and 3 days later were on a plane to Honolulu. The holiday was going ok. There was some interesting discussions and some good times but I felt that there was some underlying tension to it, like there was someone else there which was casting a shadow over us.

I noticed that she was constantly checking her phone while she was there, even on the beach. The only thing she could be looking for were SMS from this guy.

A couple of times I noticed that there were texts she was getting that only had a number and no name and when she saw that I had seen them she would not open them to look. What I found out was that she had removed the guys name from her directory so that any message she received would only be from a number and would not show his name. Is that deceitful?

So, me being a trusting romantic and believing in her crap that she had changed and that she only wanted to be with me for the rest of her life, I got down on one knee in a restaurant on the beach in Waikiki and proposed. I put the huge rock on her finger. I was crying. She was just sitting in the chair looking at this ring with a look on her face, not of happiness, but a look of "what am I going to do now?"

I could not believe the look on her face. I did not get a kiss or a hug or any sign of affection. I just got a comment from her that said that "I had to leave you to make you do this".

I took it on the chin. So the next couple of days all she did was look at the diamond on her finger and preened herself constantly and made sure that everyone noticed the size of the diamond on her finger.

Well then it all went pear shaped. On the last night we were at dinner. She made the mistake of opening her phone up in front of me and there was this number in her messages right at the top, which told me that this was the last number she has texted. I got up and left the table in such an emotional state of disbelief. I went to the bathroom to try and recover myself.

I then came back and asked her outright if she was still communicating with the ex. She said we would talk about it back at the hotel. I said we will do it now. She said she had just sent the hardest message that she ever had to do and that was to tell the ex that she was in Hawaii with me and was engaged. What the heck? How is that a hard message when she has led me on all this time that being married to me was everything she wanted!

I demanded to see the message. She said no, I had no right to see the message and she would not show me. The fact that she took his name out of her phone was so deceitful and cunning and deliberate.

At that point I called her a liar and a cheat and that she had betrayed me. I demanded the ring back and took it off her, left the restaurant and went back to the hotel. When she arrived back sometime later all hell broke loose and the fight began. I called her some pretty bad names which I eventually apologised for the next day but my broken heart and the pain of betrayal is still burning in me.

The flight home was painful. She blames me for everything. She blames me for ruining her holiday and for calling her a whore. She blames me for breaking off the engagement. She accepts no responsibility for lying, cheating and destroying me with her outright deceit.

How can someone do that to another human being?

How do I now recover from this? How will I ever trust another woman again? What the hell do I do with an expensive diamond ring? How in the hell can someone have no conscious and feel no guilt and have no remorse for what she did to me, but is happy to blame me for all of it happening?

Surely this is the ultimate in triangulation where she had this guy on the backburner, like she had me on the backburner when she was unhappy with his financial situation. How can a person use someone so blatantly like this?

She is a twin so I should have seen the signs when her sister was having an affair with her boss and blamed her husband for causing it. Seems that a BPD can justify anything in their own minds.

Can anyone out there help me through this devastation? I believed and I trusted and I loved and I was kicked in the guts by this creature. I call her a creature as there are no human values or principles that I can see in her anymore.

[Herodias]

I am so sorry you went through this experience! Such an expensive one on top of it! We a want love and to believe we are special to someone. I think she is horrible and it reminds me of vacations with my stbx, exactly -only we are married while he did this crap. You will love and trust again, you just will pay attention to the red flags and out and out deceit that you didn't want to see this time... , they are horrible people- I don't care if they are ill- they treat people badly and they know it. We need to look out for ourselves better and not allow anyone to do this again! It will not stop if she comes back again. Start studying what good relationships are supposed to look like and don't accept anything else. Best wishes to you xo

[helpmewithbpd]

I feel for you,  I have been through a very similar thing,  and after all that we made up and got back together again,  and stupid me believed I was at fault for it all,  it was so stupid,  my and my ex split up only a few months ago again,  she slept with one of my friends only to tell me that she done it so she knew she couldn't come back to me,  I don't know what to say to you to help as I feel nothin helps I am completely devastated and a complete head wreak about it,  now while she is out picking up random guys most weekends I can't even bring myself to touch another woman,  there is no words of wisdom to take you pain away,  but I just wanted you to know your not alone and I really feel for you

[Sadly]

You can always tell a real friend: when you've made a fool of yourself he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job.

I have discovered real friends are on this site. The help and love they give is unconditional. I too am at my lowest ebb but they keep lifting me.

Trust them.

Love from Sadly.xx

[FannyB]

Hi Nextinline

I remember your story from a few months back. You'd learned a lot about BPD then and were warned that she would look to recycle you but you seemed committed to going NC. Even your new bares testament to your acceptance of the predatory nature of your ex. 

You are obviously a rich and successful guy that should be positively brimming over with self-worth, so what made you susceptible to taking another bite at the toxic cherry? You need to bottom this out before the bell rings again and you find yourself in the ring for round 3.

Fanny

[Nextinline]

"You are obviously a rich and successful guy that should be positively brimming over with self-worth, so what made you susceptible to taking another bite at the toxic cherry? You need to bottom this out before the bell rings again and you find yourself in the ring for round 3."

Fanny, I am not a rich and successful guy. I am a hard worker and I have been a person that has always put the needs of others ahead of my own. Perhaps that has been my biggest failure and my biggest weakness.

You are correct in what you said that I had learned a lot from this site and from the friendly and supportive people that are on it. What I focussed on was learning those aspects of modifying and controlling my own behaviours such that I could deal with the swinging attitudes and rollercoaster of emotions that these BPD individuals express.

I guess that deep down I believe that there is good in everyone.

What I wasn't prepared for and had no concept of was the outright lying that I had not experienced before with this now very ex-BPDgf.

So there you have it. I chose to improve myself and my approach to managing the communication aspects of the relationship to deal with the abandonment issues that seem to be exhibited by these people. I chose to be that supportive person. If that is my failings then that is what I am being condemned of, that I chose to be supportive to a person that expressed absolute remorse and demonstrated a significantly changed, mature and more balanced approach to her life and to her relationships.

What I didn't see coming was the blindside.

But I appreciate you advice on making sure that I am not there for round 3. That will be for certain this time as this last series of crushing blows have left me seriously damaged and in considerable pain.[/size][/size]

[FannyB]

NIL

Glad you've resolved not to fall for her routine again. It did appear that you had it all worked out last time around - I am sorry that your trusting nature worked against you. I hope this doesn't colour your view of relationships going forward as I'm sure there are females out there that would appreciate you.

General advice would be to go No Contact and give yourself time to detach from the toxicity of the relationship. We've all been there and you'll find plenty of support on these boards.

Keep posting - it does help.


Fanny

[Nextinline]

Thank you Fanny.

Yes, I just need to put one foot in front of the other now and do my best to look after myself and keep myself busy and to try and be kind to myself such that I don't keep beating myself up.

On a positive note, I went to the store where I bought the ring from and explained the situation to the jeweller who was so understanding and sympathetic. They took the ring back into their stock and will sell it on consignment for me.

So I would like to think that is the best option for me rather than to hold onto it or to sell it on eBay or similar. I will leave it to the universe to put those wheels in motion now.

I will take it as a great sign when the ring is sold to start my emotional and financial healing.

[FannyB]

NIL

That sounds like a real positive first step on the road to recovery. 

You need to get your defences marshalled quickly though as I'm sure little Miss Toxicity will come calling again once she realises the other guy isn't the 'soul mate' she's looking for. 

Stay strong

Fanny

[caughtnreleased]

Hi nextinline,

I'm sorry to hear about your ordeal.  I can truly empathize with wanting to give people another chance. This is something I myself have been going through, not so much with my BPDex but with friends with whom things keep turning sour.  I keep giving them second, third, fourth chances, etc.  Why? Because fundamentally, I think that it's MY fault.  That if I were more understanding, more patient, better communication skills, etc. then things would turn out differently.  And so after we fall out, and they come running back, I let them back in.  Only to again get shouted at, mistreated, stood up, etc... .all things that I DO NOT VALUE in friendships. 

However, I have now reached a point in my own personnal development where I can finally truly see people for who they are and accept them for who they are.  One of my friends screwed me over on a project we collaborated on - after expressing to her that I was upset, I decided to simply accept that she is a terrible person to work with and I should not be trying to make something work which clearly is not working for me.  So I walked away.  And I feel good about it, because continuing on that path would have simply meant more frustration and an relationship that was totally imbalanced, with me giving and her taking. 

Trying to achieve a different outcome with her would have meant thinking that she could change, and not accepting her for who she was, and with her flaws.  I think I've come a long way in accepting myself, and therefore in accepting others.  I am really sorry you have gone through this experience.  It is a very difficult and disappointing one.  You just have to understand, that in this case it's not you, it's her! And no, she will not find something better with someone else.  But you just might!

[theoneone]

Oh god that is a truly devastating story. I got angry for you just reading that. You have a lot to sort through on your road to recovery and I feel for you. Damn.

My ex and I had very similar problems. We were never engaged, but her secret texting life was always a point of contention between us. Random phone numbers, long drawn out conversations with men I never met (she would NEVER bring around her new "friends" to meet me, hmm I wonder why), and straight up inappropriate sexual innuendos a few times. And no matter how much we talked about it, she couldn't help but go hang out with previous sexual partners. It was always "just as friends" but every time it was crossing a boundary that we had established sometimes even the day BEFORE. It seems like BPDs often "need" that kind of validation and also to have backups for when their relationship inevitably fails, like they always do according to their own history. But even still, my ex would look me in the face and say "It's like you want me to prove to you that I'm trustworthy."

Umm... .yeah, that's exactly how it freakin works. But that was the level of her twisted view on the situation. Hey... .if I'm not having sex with them, what's the problem? These people do not think in normal rational terms or have normal regulations of their thoughts and feelings. So it just straight up doesn't make a whole lot of sense. But at the same time... .they are fully functioning adults who have free will and are choosing their actions. It is absolutely mind-blowingly infuriating.

Do not take too much blame for all of this. You sound like a straight up CATCH and she was LUCKY to have you. You gave and gave, and that is worth a lot. She missed out BIG TIME and she will regret it I'm sure and you will be riding off into the sunset. Forgive yourself. You were acting through love. You have integrity. We all make mistakes in the name of love, and you sound like a good person with good intentions, dealing with someone who is very lost. I wish you the best on your road to recovery. I'm new on the boards and trying to make sense of it all myself. You aren't alone!

[Nextinline]

To all that have read and especially those that have responded to my post... .

Thank you so much for your understanding and for not judging me. The most difficult emotion I am dealing with here is one of self assessment and marking myself as an F for failure.

I do take comfort in knowing that I am not alone in all of this and that others have been through similar and even far worse situations with their BPD partner. I also take comfort in something a close friend of mine said which is that I basically got away with a "flesh wound" when the injury could have been seriously terminal if the relationship had gone further, to the point of marriage.

So far there has been total NC for a week since we got back home. Getting used to that void in itself is difficult, but perseverance is the only option.

So I now look for the little positive signs that things will get better, such as the jeweller taking the ring back and hopefully it getting sold soon.

I will keep you all posted on my progress as I really don't think I would get through all of this with my sanity if I did not have this forum with its understanding members to confide in and seek support from.

[LostGhost]

First, I'm sorry to hear this ordeal you have gone through. I feel the pain in your words because I was in the same situation around May of 2014. It was my first go around with my partner. Things had been going great, no sign of any significant trouble on the horizon. Only small red flags here and there that I didn't fully comprehend at the time. I paid for a trip to New Zealand that cost around $10,000 and also bought a ring which was $7,500, to propose to her while we were on our vacation.

I don't know if she was having a physical affair at the time but the way you describe your partner's behavior is exactly how mine was too. Constantly on her phone, texting, facebooking, who knows what. The trip was a great time but I started to become frustrated and annoyed by the end. There were periodic moments of greatness in that trip, some of the most amazing memories of my life in fact. The day I was going to propose, there was a strange vibe between us and I never found the right opportunity due to the weirdness. And on our final day we ended up in an argument. When we got back home, I had about 5 more days conflict free with her before I discovered she had been to see her ex when she got back and we terminated our relationship. So I was now stuck with the bill for this trip and this ring which I had no use for.  

She started a relationship with her ex almost immediately and I came here to this community to learn all that I could. I had a terrible month of pain and suffering while I tried to sort out everything that had happened, what it all meant. I waited and waited for her to come back, to text me, anything. She didn't even send a happy birthday to me. She discarded me and cut me out of her life with precision. And then one day, there she was again, talking to me casually, trying to start up a friendship with me. She started divulging details about her life, her unhappiness, how she felt alone, wanted to die. I began empathizing and we struck up a strong friendship, though I had obvious intentions of wanting to recycle, believing it would be a much better success story the second time around due to my newfound knowledge. We recycled three months after our breakup. She told her ex she didn't want to be with him any more and we spent the night together that very night. Fast forward five months, the ex killed himself. Two months after that I was devalued. Now I am discarded and here I am again.

It's a bizarre story. Yours is bizarre too. Many of our stories are. This is the nature of BPD. I am still paying for that $7,500 ring from 2014, little by little.

And my story in many ways is a warning. If you look at the ex and what he did, that's how any one of us could end up if we are not careful, if we do not take responsibility to look after our emotional and physical wellbeing when we are discarded. The longer we sit around waiting for them to return, pining for them, the unhealthier we become. We follow their every move, their social media, we try to dissect every bit of information we can about where they are, what they are doing, who they are with, why is that person better than me, what are they doing differently than I am. And when we become overwhelmed by the sadness, grief and hopelessness of it all - we can find ourselves in a very dark place. It is better then to acknowledge that we entered a relationship with the best of intentions but with blinders on. We couldn't fully understand what we were doing, almost as if we were being compelled to do it by some otherworldly force, attached to strings that guided our words and actions even when we knew we were causing harm to ourselves. We did not fail or do anything wrong. We can only accept responsibility for ourselves.

I wish you all the strength you can find to see yourself through this situation. And I warn you do not recycle again. I was warned, I did not listen. And the cycle repeated. I do not think the cycle can be avoided. I stayed until my last ounce of dignity was taken from me and then I had to say no more. Because even if I could have remained in a relationship with her, it would be an unrequited love. I would be nothing more than a shadow that sees to her every whim and wish while she gets to do whatever she wants with whoever she wants, no matter how it makes me feel. And that's not a quality relationship or in any way beneficial to my sanity or health.

I think most of us are looking for an area somewhere between devaluation and idealization, because neither of those extremes are healthy. But I honestly don't think it exists. I thought I was in that area for a while with her... .but if that area looks like no sexual intimacy for 7 months straight and being told to my face that I am the "lowest priority on her totem pole" behind friends, career and pets, I call that a friendship, not a relationship. I also call it degrading

I wish everyone could ask that question to see the response they get. "Where do I fit into your life, what are your priorities". I didn't get the answer I expected. Nothing quite like being told you're beneath the cats even. She treated random strangers better. Did they take her on a trip to New Zealand or buy her a $7,500 diamond ring that she asked for, $800 cats, $1,000's worth of electronics, repairs to her house, cleaning her house, cooking her food every single day, be a shoulder to cry on and also an encouraging force in her life, a partner, lover, best friend and caretaker simultaneously? Nope. But if strangers smile at her and are nice, she is over the moon with them.

The pattern I have noticed is the more you love them, demonstrate that you understand them, are devoted and loyal to them, the more they push you away. The real way to a pwBPD heart is to be an impartial, uncaring, distant person who makes themselves available when they feel like it. For whatever reason, that seems to be what they want. Somebody that they know is there if they need them but that they can keep at arms length.

There is no drug more addictive, expensive or destructive than the pwBPD.

[nowwhatz]

Nextinline that is a horrible thing to go through. Made me angry also reading about it.  There are a lot of similarities to my story. You seem way smarter than me. I recycled so many times I have lost count.

Great that you got the ring back!  When I bought my exBPDgf a nice ring a few years ago she pawned it the same week and gave me a line of bs that it wasn't good enough or something. I eventually got it back, threw it into the desert and kicked her out the same day.

Anyways, you are a person with a big heart who deserves a lot better. Reading your story I have confidence you will not recycle this person again. Take care of yourself.  Do things for yourself. Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

[rotiroti]

Oh NiL... .that's great news about the ring:

I will leave it to the universe to put those wheels in motion now.

what a powerful statement, it's radical acceptance in a nutshell. I really wish I had that kind of insight when I was a week out of the r/s. Glad you are already processing and integrating what you have learned despite the hurt. Stay strong!

[Nextinline]

Theonone, Lost Ghost, nowwhatz, rotiroti

Thanks you for sharing your stories with me. Thank you for taking the time to read mine. This one will take a long time for me both financially and emotionally to dig myself out from underneath.

7 days now since we got home from the "supposed holiday" and there has been no contact. I am driven to keep it that way and let her have the life she deserves with the other male.

I will keep you posted on what happens from here but I expect it to be a long, lonely, tough road that I will now be on.

Many thanks to all of you

NiL

[Tangy]

Hello NIL,

I've read through this thread and the responses. First let me say I am so very sorry you are going through this. I can totally relate to the dedication you felt, the love, the humiliation, the shame, and now the loneliness and confusion after the fallout.

I too was engaged. We then broke up, and we then got back together. He love bombed me hard, made me a million promises about how everything was different and how he couldn't wait to be married to me and spend our lives doing all the fun things we had planned together. He was genuinely excited (or so seemed). And then this girl (that he went out with for one week in H.S. which was over 6-7 years ago) and he met up... .she told him she had feelings for him (they had sort of been friends) and he said he "just went for it" ended up cheating on me with her... .and then calling off all of our plans... .because he said he is excited about the newness of their relationship... .and that he was "living in a delusion" when he planned and said all the loving things to me... .And now I guess he's with her. I had to call the pastor for the wedding, cancel the engagement photos, feel the humiliation and shame... .and he's off hiding in a new relationship. Its now a little over 30 days with NC (outside of some random email he sent me as if nothing happened about a concert we had gone to in the past... .to which I didn't reply)

I'm telling you all that to highlight the similarities of our experiences... .To have someone head over heels for you and then not following through on a whim over some stupid frivolous ex that doesn't mean anything. The truth is deep down, I don't think they feel worthy or capable of an adult marriage or relationship... .so they sabotage sabotage sabotage... .so that we don't abandon them... .they do it first... .

Today I'm having a fairly good day, and I guess thats my advice to you... .as the days pass... .just enjoy the good days but allow yourself to grieve on the not so good days. No one can tell you what to do in the area of taking her back/not... .but think about if you had been like 1 week sober from drugs, your physical withdrawal would have started to let up... .and you'd be that far out of the gate... .Don't shoot up again just to escape life... .It's gonna hurt like a B to get sober from her, but I think as you... .and as I move forward, life can only get better.

I for one, have promised myself, even if he comes back I WILL NOT DO THIS TO ME AGAIN! <3 I hope you can find the strength inside yourself to do the same.

[Nextinline]

Tangy, that was one of the most gutwrenching things that I have ever read. If I could I would give you a hug so please take this as my virtual hug to you.

I am struggling to come to terms with this deception and blindsiding.

What I have since discovered tonight is that she is happily posting on Facebook all the low rent places she is going with the guy she had in the background.

Here I am with a crushed soul and a broken bank balance with a ring that I can't get rid of and she is happily out with her bankrupt beau.

What kills me is that she lied to me for so long and I didn't see it. She was back with me for 2 months, away every weekend, dinner every other night and a holiday in Hawaii where I proposed to her. None of that made her edit reel on Facebook. But less than a week after breaking up with me she's back on FB bragging about being out with the other guy at the cheapest places you could go to.

What I struggle with now is managing my hatred towards her.

[LonelyChild]

How can someone do that to another human being?

Hey, stop for a moment and consider what she's doing to herself. She will have to live with this for the rest of her life, knowing how deceitful she is. She can deny it all she wants. The more she does, the sicker she will get and there will be no way out. Or she can accept it, which will be a HUGE grief for her.

How do I now recover from this?

You will when you realize that she has NOTHING in her life - she is an empty shell - and that is why she's doing things like this. Don't bother putting blame on her. If a beggar comes up to you asking you for as many coins as you can spare, do you then get jealous when the beggar goes to the next person doing the same thing? She has nothing, and she never will unless she faces her problems.

How will I ever trust another woman again?

There will be a point when you can draw a line between healthy and unhealthy personalities. Maybe you're not there yet, which means you shouldn't be trusting anyone too much. You will reach that point though.

I used to hate my uBPDxgf for all the deceits, cheating, lies, all the money I spent and got nothing back, etc. Now ,I only feel sorry for her. I realize that she didn't do those things towards me, she did those things towards herself. She's the one suffering, not I. I will manage, my life will work out financially, socially, etc. Hers will never. She's empty, like a zombie, drifting around in empty space. You will find empathy once you deal with your anger (which is healthy for you to feel right now).

What the hell do I do with an expensive diamond ring?

Sell it and accept the loss. It means nothing in the bigger context. You lost money, she's lost everything (what little she had). She is doomed to either face this on her own (and all her past issues) which will bring IMMENSE (you can't even imagine it) amounts of pain. OR live the rest of her life in lies and deceits. How easy do you think it would be for her to be honest to her next man? There will come a point when he wants to understand her past. Do you think she will tell him "well my last r/s ended because I was unfaithful, then he took me back and wanted to marry me, but during our holiday when he proposed, I kept being deceitful and unfaithful."? Or do you think she will lie? If she lies, she's doomed to a detached life. If she doesn't, she will be abandoned again and again until having dealt with the problem (which is equivalent to her facing her absolute worst fear).

Don't worry, there WILL come a point when you understand and feel sorry for her. She is broken to the core. You never had any future. It's an illusion she made up for you because she fears being abandoned, not because she loves you.

How in the hell can someone have no conscious and feel no guilt and have no remorse for what she did to me, but is happy to blame me for all of it happening?

How can someone with no conscience and no guilt lead a safe, loving and moral life? They can't. The only way is to face her worst nightmares. Blaming you is part of the sickness. And it also tells you that she will not be able to have a r/s with ANYONE (other than someone abusing her and using her). The only way for her to move on with life is to accept the blame and develop a conscience. Rest assured, she will not be able to move on (in any sane or healthy way) without going through unimaginable pain.

Surely this is the ultimate in triangulation where she had this guy on the backburner, like she had me on the backburner when she was unhappy with his financial situation. How can a person use someone so blatantly like this?

Maybe you should think back to the beginning of your r/s. She probably had a few others lined up in the background back then as well.

Can anyone out there help me through this devastation?

1. Go see a T or P. I say the following in the most supportive way I can: Some day in the future, you will be thinking back to your current self and be astonished by how emotionally immature you were that you couldn't see what a broken piece of crap she is. You WILL get there, but there will be much pain for you along the way as well. The prognosis is a hundred times better for you than for her, statistically.

2. Accept the pain. It's ok to be in pain, it's ok to cry for hours. It's partly due to the enmeshment breaking, and partly due to problems from your own childhood being exposed. This is your chance to work on them. You will probably never fall in love in the same way again, but you will also learn that the kind of love you felt for her is pathological.

3. Try to imagine life from her view. What does she have in life? Does she have a stable economy? Stable social life? Any close friends? What's her relationship with her parents like? Is she liked by people who actually know her? Does she enjoy life and love herself? Maybe it is hard for you to see now, but I think one day you will forgive her, because (and I say this without knowing much about her, but considering her behavior and the typical BPD traits... .) she has nothing in life. Her life is empty and not fulfilling whatsoever. Leave her to her own destruction, or to her own way of healing (which - again - will require lots and lots and lots of pain).

4. Realize that you already won. You can't lose. She already lost at life. She's just a broken shard of emptiness and chaos. This goes way back to her childhood (and yours). Think about things she's told you (that seem truthful) about her background. I'm sure you'll find that deep down she always hated herself. What she did to you will increase her hatred for herself. She can deny it all she wants, but it won't ever go away.

I believed and I trusted and I loved and I was kicked in the guts by this creature. I call her a creature as there are no human values or principles that I can see in her anymore.

Her consciousness is (depending on how high-functioning she is) more like that of an animal. They are here and now, they are unable to plan, and the world is way too complex. She's stuck in some hypnagogic state of haziness, living detached, probably with lots of depersonalization and derealization. So calling her a creature is probably not too inaccurate. Like any animal, she does not reflect over the consequences of anything she does. She's driven by emotions in the here and now. When she feels safe with you, she may be feeling abandoned by someone else. This brings her attention to them. When she feels safe with them, she may feel abandoned by you, bringing her back to you. It's a never-ending struggle of trying to regulate her own emotions, which she will never find any success with doing.

Be well. Things are looking good for you.

[Dutched]

Nextinline, you are NOT a fool, under No circumstances!

The hart and the mind are best friends, that’s why they hurt each other and sommetimes cry together...

I'm telling you all that to highlight the similarities of our experiences... .To have someone head over heels for you and then not following through on a whim over some stupid frivolous ex that doesn't mean anything. The truth is deep down, I don't think they feel worthy or capable of an adult marriage or relationship... .so they sabotage sabotage sabotage... .so that we don't abandon them... .they do it first... .

Spot on!

The broken attachment is within themselves; not with you.

By leaving you first... .pwBPD are controlling the demolition.

Control trumps their fear.

Often a sense of control is all that is keeping them from losing it completely

How can someone with no conscience and no guilt lead a safe, loving and moral life? They can't. The only way is to face her worst nightmares. Blaming you is part of the sickness. And it also tells you that she will not be able to have a r/s with ANYONE (other than someone abusing her and using her). The only way for her to move on with life is to accept the blame and develop a conscience. Rest assured, she will not be able to move on (in any sane or healthy way) without going through unimaginable pain.

Wise words, very wise words!

"They take with no conscience, and leave with no remorse as an emotional 3-4 year old” -Livia