That aching pain... Is pain

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello All

I've been away from these boards for a couple of months, a month or two before that I met a new woman and wasn't sure if it was the right time for me or not and was very dubious about getting into something else despite the break up being a year old.

In that time I've got closer to my girlfriend. I explained and was transparent about the pain I felt in and during the breakup of my relationship. She was incredibly understanding in those first few weeks having broken up from a codependent and abusive relationship herself 6 months earlier. It seems bad relationships are very common!

One of the major things that was keeping me stuck to my BPDex was a misidentification of emotions. For that whole year there would be times when I'd feel in incredible emotional pain, like a part of my vital organs was missing and that I was incomplete and only my ex, my destined, one true love (ahem) ex could put me back together again. That pain, was emotional pain of trauma. Once, when the feelings came again I was able to identify this as remnants of an emotional pain due to a bad relationship with an uncaring, thoughtless person, the pain began to fade away until this point now, where it doesn't show up anymore.

At the end, people need love and we need to learn to love again. Luckily for me I've had a very patient woman offer me love and be willing to talk thru the pain she had already felt, conquered and identified. Yes, she is in some ways a 'rebound', but she treats me far better than my ex ever did and inside any conflict we do have I am very well positioned for identifying red flags and behaviours that can descend into codependency again, that's thanks to my time alone. Even so, I am still vigilant to ensure I am maintaining my own identity, something I failed to do with my ex. I'm going on trips alone, I am not embroiled in her social life and the decisions and choices we make are 50/50. It feels healthy.

It may not be right for everyone, and I know the common advise is to stay single until you are completely over your ex, but for me, without the attention and affection of this new woman, doubtless I'd still be pining away over the 'meant to be' pain causing exBPD. I would advise, as long as it's explicit and you have read and done work on why your relationship failed, dating again and letting a new partner into your life. It did me little good to pine and obsess over this mystical ex who, let's face it, was a bad partner and deliberately caused me immense pain. I've helped to heal some wounds of my new love and vice versa, if it's does turn out that is all we were in one another's life to do it would still have been worth it. But also, you never do know, this relationship is so much better than the last and has the potential to be an important, long term relationship.

I feel so much for all the stories I read on these boards. I remember so well that pain, we tend to associate love with pain. There's a song I heard on the radio the other day and the woman lamented 'only love can hurt like this'. What a crock of shiv. Love does NOT hurt like the 'love' with our BPD exes hurt and we need to step away from this belief, and quickly! It keeps us stuck. Pain from a life with them is the debilitating pain of lack of self worth, constant boundary exploitation and often physical and mental abuse. My new gf bolsters my confidence, she doesn't knock it down on purpose to build it up and knock it down again to illicit control. These BPD people are toxic and the drip drip of their abuses and emotional roller coasters can floor any unprepared person. Do not mistake this for love, we do ourselves a terrible disservice and wind up with PTSD in many cases! I've only just stopped flinching when my gf strokes my cheek!

When you feel that pain in your heart again, try to find what it really means and why you feel it, I hope this helps someone.

[Trog]

Hello All

I've been away from these boards for a couple of months, a month or two before that I met a new woman and wasn't sure if it was the right time for me or not and was very dubious about getting into something else despite the break up being a year old.

In that time I've got closer to my girlfriend. I explained and was transparent about the pain I felt in and during the breakup of my relationship. She was incredibly understanding in those first few weeks having broken up from a codependent and abusive relationship herself 6 months earlier. It seems bad relationships are very common!

One of the major things that was keeping me stuck to my BPDex was a misidentification of emotions. For that whole year there would be times when I'd feel in incredible emotional pain, like a part of my vital organs was missing and that I was incomplete and only my ex, my destined, one true love (ahem) ex could put me back together again. That pain, was emotional pain of trauma. Once, when the feelings came again I was able to identify this as remnants of an emotional pain due to a bad relationship with an uncaring, thoughtless person, the pain began to fade away until this point now, where it doesn't show up anymore.

At the end, people need love and we need to learn to love again. Luckily for me I've had a very patient woman offer me love and be willing to talk thru the pain she had already felt, conquered and identified. Yes, she is in some ways a 'rebound', but she treats me far better than my ex ever did and inside any conflict we do have I am very well positioned for identifying red flags and behaviours that can descend into codependency again, that's thanks to my time alone. Even so, I am still vigilant to ensure I am maintaining my own identity, something I failed to do with my ex. I'm going on trips alone, I am not embroiled in her social life and the decisions and choices we make are 50/50. It feels healthy.

It may not be right for everyone, and I know the common advise is to stay single until you are completely over your ex, but for me, without the attention and affection of this new woman, doubtless I'd still be pining away over the 'meant to be' pain causing exBPD. I would advise, as long as it's explicit and you have read and done work on why your relationship failed, dating again and letting a new partner into your life. It did me little good to pine and obsess over this mystical ex who, let's face it, was a bad partner and deliberately caused me immense pain. I've helped to heal some wounds of my new love and vice versa, if it's does turn out that is all we were in one another's life to do it would still have been worth it. But also, you never do know, this relationship is so much better than the last and has the potential to be an important, long term relationship.

I feel so much for all the stories I read on these boards. I remember so well that pain, we tend to associate love with pain. There's a song I heard on the radio the other day and the woman lamented 'only love can hurt like this'. What a crock of shiv. Love does NOT hurt like the 'love' with our BPD exes hurt and we need to step away from this belief, and quickly! It keeps us stuck. Pain from a life with them is the debilitating pain of lack of self worth, constant boundary exploitation and often physical and mental abuse. My new gf bolsters my confidence, she doesn't knock it down on purpose to build it up and knock it down again to illicit control. These BPD people are toxic and the drip drip of their abuses and emotional roller coasters can floor any unprepared person. Do not mistake this for love, we do ourselves a terrible disservice and wind up with PTSD in many cases! I've only just stopped flinching when my gf strokes my cheek!

When you feel that pain in your heart again, try to find what it really means and why you feel it, I hope this helps someone.

[BorisAcusio]

It may not be right for everyone, and I know the common advise is to stay single until you are completely over your ex, but for me, without the attention and affection of this new woman, doubtless I'd still be pining away over the 'meant to be' pain causing exBPD.

I'm glad you're making progress, Trog.  According to a study, rebound relationships are actually helpful for those with anxious attachment style:

The present research demonstrates that focusing on someone new may help anxiously attached individuals overcome attachment to an ex-romantic partner, suggesting one possible motive behind so-called rebound relationships. A correlational study revealed that the previously demonstrated link between anxious attachment and longing for an ex-partner was disrupted when anxiously attached individuals had new romantic partners.

I would like to point out a possible pitfall, pining away our exes is mind's way of keeping that lost object alive and avoid going through the necessery abandonment depression, while taking off the focus may releive anxiety but in the long term, as I see it, *could* also thwart psychological development.

[Tangy]

Hi Trog,

I'm going to make a very similar reply to this that I just made to another post so hopefully I'm not too redundant. I'm wondering how much family of origin investigation you've done over the last year. I ask because as I am on day 35 of NC with my former fiance and in the first few weeks, I was crying and screaming in my bedroom. He and I had some serious plans together and he left me for someone else really suddenly... .and so in one of my crying spells I was yelling saying "You're such an AH how could you do this to me? We had so many plans... .why didn't you want to do them with me... .why did you choose her?" and before I knew it the person i was talking to suddenly shifted and I realized I felt eight years old and I was yelling at my dad "You're an AH, why did you pick her?" My dad and I were best friends up to the point of my parent's divorce when I was 7, and when my step mom moved in between ages 8-9 he was not longer available for me. He was present but he wasn't "there" anymore. And during this NC period I've realized so much of the pain and loneliness is really about old stuff not him. I mean I love my former fiance with all of my heart, but I don't want to be treated poorly anymore, and he is who he is and refuses treatment... .so I truly will be happy when I find someone new I think... .as long as I keep doing the old work.

I hope Im not totally off base, but just wondering if some of what "you're not over" about your exBPD may be more family of origin stuff.

[HappyNihilist]

  Hi Trog - it's good to see you, and I'm glad you're doing well!

You were out of the relationship with your BPDex for a year before you started dating your new gf. It may be a 'rebound' relationship, and you may not still be completely over your ex, but you had a year to detach and focus on yourself. Only you know when you're ready for another relationship, and it sounds like you were.  I'm glad you're with a compassionate, patient, caring person.

I'm 1.5 years out and have far less interest in dating now than I did a few months after the breakup. I had a few dates over a year ago, but I was still horribly triggered and with PTSD, and I wound up making a mess of it all. Now, the abstinence from dating is not about pain or being triggered - it's just me enjoying myself and learning to truly love myself.

In the end, only we can decide what feels best for us. I'm glad you're continuing on your road of healing and self-discovery.

[Trog]

Hello

Thanks for the replies. For sure there were some FOO things going on that meant I was drawn to her in the first place and continued being a white knight (staying with a mentally ill person who was abusive). In my family ive been a protector or rescuer as a kid and I thought I could handle the stress and strain of the relationship. It developed into a very one sided and drama fuelled existance and felt like 'home'. I was buying and solving and sometimes creating drama to solve myself!

I still have those tendandcies but now am able to catch myself. If my girlfriend gets into a grump i do not see it as being my responsibility or fault. She is entitled to her own feelings and has to work them through for herself. When I feel myself feeling the need to save instead of feeling familiar it now makes me feel uncomfortable and triggered and I have the capacity to step away and rationalise to myself. Long May that continue. I am not thriving on drama anymore.

I feel my problems with my ex, despite her clearly having her own severe issues came from lack of self esteem. I was entangled totally and my life and desires took a back seat that led to extreme resentment on my part. She would show utter disdain for me and I'd take it. Embarressing me in public, negating my needs and feelings on key issues, it was a recipe for disaster. But even if I were totally healed from my own issues I don't believe we'd have stood a chance. I also would not be attracted to her now as shes a royal pain in the arse!

There is a danger in rebounding into the same mess of you are still drawn to the same kinds of women and for me, if I had not worked on my self esteem issues. I had many problems spiralling from that relationship including an eating disorder, weight problem and general lack of self esteem which ive worked hard to correct. I think, like a recovering alcoholic, im going to need to be constantly vigilant that old habits and patterns do not creep in. There are a lot of positives to being alone and focusing on yourself, without that time I would still be the mess I was, but perhaps I was lucky to find someone understanding and supportive of those issues