Why they never say goodbye... thinking out loud

[seang]

Maybe they know, either consciously or not, that its not goodbye.  Like most of them recycle, or at least attempt that at some point, is the reasoning behind them leaving that door open a jar.

Or maybe they are just heartless, spineless mentalists!  

[rotiroti]

Perhaps it could be ALL of the above? 

Hear me out - a pwBPD feels emotions to the extreme only to have it completely swept away by the next set of emotions. Add this to a lack of sense of self and it's a winning combination.

when they've split us black and leave in anger, it FEELS like goodbye for them. They storm off without closure to be rescued by a replacement. When a good emotion tied to us comes sweeping in because of trouble with said replacement? They come back to recycle.

[Tangy]

Good morning Seang... .my guy was exactly the same. In fact the first time we ever made plans to hang out we were standing in a classroom and I went to say goodbye to him, and he said "I don't like goodbyes so I don't say it" it was like a weird ominous warning. He would also never hang up phone calls, and he would always say "talk to you soon" I thought it was endearing. When he moved out he still texted every night, even though he "wanted to be away from me." This time I fear (and rejoice) it may be different because he said "I hope you can find someone who treats you a lot better than I can" which sounds a little more permanent than his usual M.O. But he has a replacement so I'm sure he's not worried in the moment. I think when I finally do move on with someone new he will feel entirely different. It's easy to say you want someone to move on when you don't believe they actually will... .

I truly have no idea why. I'd like to not think its a matter of being soulless... .rather just an inability to put another ahead of their intense emotions and pain. Hope you find some peace in the distance <3

[HappyNihilist]

I'd like to not think its a matter of being soulless... .rather just an inability to put another ahead of their intense emotions and pain.

Tangy hit the nail on the head. pwBPD are so caught up in their own emotional survival that it makes it very difficult - if not impossible - to see or think about others' emotions.

And as NaT said, pwBPD tend to live in the emotional moment. Feelings = facts.

This is one reason why we often say "it's not personal." Because it's not so much that the pwBPD is trying to hurt an Other - it's that they're trying to soothe and protect themselves. Other people just don't enter into the emotional equation. They're trying to avoid shame and pain.

[myself]

They're trying to avoid shame and pain.

^^While repeatedly causing more of each. Talk about 'recycling'.

My fiance said goodbye. With a brief online message, after many years together. Not face to face, which would include eye contact, body language, etc. Her 'emotional overload' helped her take the easier way out. (That said, she still tried contacting me a few times since.)

Too bad they don't say goodbye to their disordered patterns, by seeking and following through with therapy (or whatever worked), instead of people who love and care for them. That would be cause to celebrate, not grieve.

[Mutt]

Maybe they know, either consciously or not, that its not goodbye.  Like most of them recycle, or at least attempt that at some point, is the reasoning behind them leaving that door open a jar.

Or maybe they are just heartless, spineless mentalists!  

Some members were fixers, helpers and saviors and the pwBPD may test attachments

[SGraham]

They're trying to avoid shame and pain.

^^While repeatedly causing more of each. Talk about 'recycling'.

My fiance said goodbye. With a brief online message, after many years together. Not face to face, which would include eye contact, body language, etc. Her 'emotional overload' helped her take the easier way out. (That said, she still tried contacting me a few times since.)

Too bad they don't say goodbye to their disordered patterns, by seeking and following through with therapy (or whatever worked), instead of people who love and care for them. That would be cause to celebrate, not grieve.

I second the point on shame and guilt. I really think understanding shame is crucial to understanding pwBPD's actions (or as close to understanding as we can get). My ex also told me we were done over text, but not on her own accord, she tried to end it by just not talking to me but i eventually texted her and thats when she told me.