BPDxw asked me to spend this weekend out of town with her... confused

[CharWood]

So, after 5 weeks of being broken up/separated and living apart, her being majorly hot/cold, push-pull, telling me the relationship is over, the feelings are gone... blah blah... even going so far as to threaten to move to where her replacement attempt lives, because "there is a college there she wants to go to" an hour away from where we live in month when she has to find her own place apart from where she is now staying with a former coworker (though it is not financially feasible for her to do this)... .after all this... .she has asked me to go spend the weekend with her out of town this weekend, starting tonight... .has it all planned in hopes I would go (or so she says). She said that she wants to spend the weekend with me hanging out, be in a hotel room on the beach with a nice view and "make memories"... .for someone who swears up and down that she only wants friendship... .this seems suspect. She has been in regular contact with me since we broke up, speaking with and seeing me most days of the week, usually because she needs advice or constructs some crisis... or sometimes for no reason at all.

Against my better judgment, I have decided to go with her... when I vowed myself to be with her, it is a commitment I don't take lightly (unlike her)... .I find it hard to just walk away before exhausting all efforts, though I am more done with her right now than I have ever been in our 4 years of being together. I may be making a stupid mistake thinking maybe us getting out of our element and spending time together like we used to would help... .even though there is the BPD factor involved.

I am wondering if she is using this as a manipulation attempt... .maybe to try and get back into my life and home without having to go to therapy as I have requested... .maybe to seduce me?... .I have no idea. If she was really moving away and had a month to make arrangements to do so... .it seems like she would be more concerned with saving her money and making arrangements.

[Mr Hollande]

If I were you and she was my ex I would have laughed so hysterically at such a proposition I would give myself a heart attack. After the heart attack I would put the phone down on her. But that's me. I am an angry and cynical man. I am also over a year removed from her clutches and involved with someone new. Someone I like a lot.

How do you see this weekend together with her working out? Are you willing to give it another go or are you ready to walk away? From my perspective you have two options. If you are willing to give it another chance then go. If you've had enough, and I mean truly had enough, then don't go. Only you can know for sure.

[CharWood]

I did laugh at first and sad no way. But she has been so insistent upon it, I am almost going out of curiosity to see what the heck she will do and what her game is. We do have fun together still... I mean the woman and I have had some horrible times, do not get me wrong, but we have had a lot of great times as well when she wasn't triggered off into BPD world. Maybe I am just kidding myself into believing that she might snap back into reality over the weekend and stabilize again... the only problem with that is how long would it last this time until she triggers off again? I cannot keep doing this with her unless she gets therapy. Period. Even then, things will still be hard for a while.

I can see it going two ways: 1) she freaks out and it is very unpleasant or 2) we have fun like we have had in the past and get some distance from things and just talk things over... .I have no idea really. No idea what the heck to expect.  I have a plan B. I have a way to get home should things go south. A part of me just feels incredibly dumb for going through with this... .I don't know.

[Mutt]

Hi Chardwood,

Mr Hollande has good advice.

She said that she wants to spend the weekend with me hanging out, be in a hotel room on the beach with a nice view and "make memories"... .

What does your gut tell you?

You say you're tired of this unless she gets therapy.

[CharWood]

I did go. There were good and bad parts. She certainly has a very unstable sense of self and it was clear, as she she seemed to change her tune within hours of saying something else. She would get upset with something I say and freak out, got on the phone with the replacement attempt twice. Was very very confused. And, was very upset and concerned with me moving on. She doesn't want to Let me go. She said that she doesn't even know the replacement attempt and would not be willing to sacrifice losing me to keep communicating with them. She said that she cannot eat when she isn't around me and cannot sleep - that she feels more happy and comfortable when we are together.  She admitted she is depressed.

she did ultimately end up admitting two things: 1) she agreed that she needs therapy and is willing to get therapy for herself. Whether I trust that she will or not, I am not sure. But she said that she can no longer go through her life feeling this way and acting out like she does and wants help. 2) she admitted that she was horribly wrong and is horribly wrong for the bad way she has treated me and said that she wants to be nicer to me and treat me how I deserve to be treated. Again, I'm not sure if that is just her saying what I want to hear but she has never actually admitted that she is responsible and told me for the first time that she does feel responsible for what has happened.

Which leads me to the last part of this: she asked if I am serious with this female friend of mine who she feels threatened by and when I said I am not, she asked me if she can come back home when her time is up at the place she has been staying and use the rest of that time to "sort things out in her head and for herself" she said that she doesn't want me to feel like I've wasted years on being in a relationship with some loser.

I really do not know what is going on. I don't know if she just wants to come back because I am safe to her or not. She cannot manage her finances and it seems unrealistic for her to be able to move somewhere on her own. I hope that she isn't going to try to come home just because I am safe to her. But, when I told her that I would: block her number, stop all communication, disappear from her life and even get a restraining order to keep her away if she did decide to move with the replacement and screw things up for herself or if she continues to try to keep contact with me without changing her behavior towards me and getting help for herself, it seemed to really scare her.

I am fairly concerned that she will try to manipulate me in to letting her come home before the end of September without proof of her trying to make the changes she has promised she would make... I am not sure what to do at this point or what to believe. I guess there is nothing I can do other than sit back and watch and hold steadfast to my boundaries and what I have told her I would do if she continues on with the bad behavior.

[Mutt]

Hi Charwood,

she asked if I am serious with this female friend of mine who she feels threatened by and when I said I am not, she asked me if she can come back home when her time is up at the place she has been staying and use the rest of that time to "sort things out in her head and for herself" she said that she doesn't want me to feel like I've wasted years on being in a relationship with some loser.

Where she's at now with her living arrangements, is that with her co-worker and the replacement's in the picture? Did she get on the phone with the replacement twice this weekend?

Do you feel like if things don't work out with the replacement that she can come back to you, she's very confused right now. It sounds like she wants you at arms length.

[CharWood]

Her living arrangements are bleak. The former coworker has asked her to leave by the end of September. The replacement is in the picture but not seriously. She has only seen the replacement in person 3 times and mostly texts them. It seemed like, since she was posting on Facebook she was out of town, posting pictures and happy... the replacement began texting her and that is when the calls ensued. The replacement and she mostly text and have only seem eachother in person 3 times. My ex has generally seemed to express more interest in the replacement after we argue or I do something to upset her. I noticed she was not on her phone a lot or texting very much the whole time we were there. The replacement does not have a place of their own and is not capable of taking care of their self. My ex has even referred to them as a loser. When I told my ex that I will block her number, cease all contact with her and never speak to her again if she continues on with the replacement, she got upset with me and stressed it is not serious and she doesn't care about them. She seemed concern with who I speak with and got very angry over one specific girl, repeatedly referring to her as my girlfriend and asking if it's really serious, threatened to pick up my phone and tell her that she and I are spending time together and that she is still in the picture.,, she said that, while she barely talks the replacement and it's not serious, that I seem to be always talking about this girl and on the phone with her. It seems obsessive in a way on her part. She gets upset when I receive a text even. I'm not sure what to make of the replacement and how serious she actually is.

I think things already aren't working out with the replacement. She keeps alluding to the future with talk about me living with her or being in her life and no talk of the replacement... but who knows what that really means. I do ascertain from all of this that she is not willing to let me go.  Her coming back to me runs the risk of her losing her mom (for a while anyway) who doesn't support our relationship and doesn't like me. Her mom is BPD also.  I can't be sure that she is resisting coming home because of the fact her mom would flip out on her and take away her phone. I know she is having bad financial trouble... seems like if she really was serious about moving, she would be saving her money rather than spending it on clothes, or going away with me. We went on a romantic trip to the same location 2 years ago on the very same weekend. I found that suspect as well. She has done this during the last breakup where we go back and take a trip to a special place of ours on a significant date. I found it weird she asked about her Being able to come home possibly right before she dropped me off at the last minute... she was also very concerned about her dying her hair back to black (which I mentioned I like better on her when we were on our trip. She had black hair when I first met her)... .all really weird behavior.