ST Again

[SummerStorm]

Just a quick update. Last Sunday, I sent a text to former friend BPD, asking if she's found a place to live yet.  I got no reply.  On Monday, I tried again and said, "I am just going to assume you found a place and leave it at that." Immediately, I got a reply.  She hasn't and is tight on money and "having trouble." Tuesday, I asked her a question: "You were going to move with your parents. How would you feel about it now?" I got no reply. 

Seven hours later, after still not getting a reply, I then lost my cool and sent a string of messages, basically telling her that she can't discard people, tell them not to contact her, and then expect them to jump at the chance to live with her.  Yes, I know that this is pointless, but it made me feel better.  At this point, my goal is to convince her to move out with her parents, not to be friends with her or to see her, so it doesn't matter to me either way.

I finally got a reply, and a BPD reply to boot: "B___h I'm sleeping.  I work overnight."

Now,  I have no idea where she works, so I also had no idea when she works.  I sent another message, reminding her of that fact.  That was Tuesday.

Today, I sent another text and got nothing.  So, I am officially getting the silent treatment again.  A co-worker and I have a bet going on when she will contact me next.

Such a fine example of BPD. 

[Mutt]

Hi SummerStorm,

I'm sorry to hear that. I can understand how frustrating this would be if your friend may be homeless. We may be able to see the bigger picture and it can be distressing when we see loved ones not applying themselves at work or maybe not showing us that they are concerned if we ask them if they found a place to live and we'd like to help our friends get back on their feet.

Yesterday, she texted me and told me that she needs to find a place to live.

Has it been nearly two weeks since she texted you? She had asked you if she could stay with you and you said no? She may of felt embarrassed with her history with you and then she can't stay with you. It's possible, it's not always BPD pathology.

From the sounds of it, she could be in a predicament, she hasn't really provided enough information, if she hasn't found a new place to live it's something that she needs to do for herself and we're not helping if we enable the behaviors.

[rotiroti]

Yo Summer,

Good to see you again, how are classes going?

It sucks to be on the receiving end of a BPD's acting-out, but I think the silverlining here is that you are time and time again shown proof of how sick your friend is!

I know your intentions are to help out a friend in need, but why bother when they're incapable of receiving nor recognizing that?

[Invictus01]

You tried, obviously, your help is not needed. Not even that, obviously, she can't even bother to respond to your attempts to help. I have a feeling that you'll just lose cool over and over while trying to talk to her... .So, be like that DirecTV commercial - Don't lose your cool, switch to DirecTV and turn the silent treatment into no contact

[myself]

Having better boundaries includes not dealing with people who are so rude, not chasing people who run away, and accepting who your real friends are/are not. Live your life. She'll find her way through her own.

[SummerStorm]

Hi SummerStorm,

I'm sorry to hear that. I can understand how frustrating this would be if your friend may be homeless. We may be able to see the bigger picture and it can be distressing when we see loved ones not applying themselves at work or maybe not showing us that they are concerned if we ask them if they found a place to live and we'd like to help our friends get back on their feet.

Yesterday, she texted me and told me that she needs to find a place to live.

Has it been nearly two weeks since she texted you? She had asked you if she could stay with you and you said no? She may of felt embarrassed with her history with you and then she can't stay with you. It's possible, it's not always BPD pathology.

From the sounds of it, she could be in a predicament, she hasn't really provided enough information, if she hasn't found a new place to live it's something that she needs to do for herself and we're not helping if we enable the behaviors.

She's not technically homeless.  She's still living with the guy she broke up with three weeks ago.     I'm sure he's getting extremely tired of it.  

Living with her parents is definitely an option, as that was the original plan.  So, it's not that she doesn't have anywhere to live.  It's that she doesn't have anywhere HERE to live.  

We've been texting occasionally since I told her she can't live with me.  Sometimes she replies; sometimes she doesn't.  

[SummerStorm]

Yo Summer,

Good to see you again, how are classes going?

It sucks to be on the receiving end of a BPD's acting-out, but I think the silverlining here is that you are time and time again shown proof of how sick your friend is!

I know your intentions are to help out a friend in need, but why bother when they're incapable of receiving nor recognizing that?

Kids this year are definitely different than the ones from last year, and I'm not quite sure that it's in a good way.     One of my classes is a handful, and there is a high-functioning autistic student in there, so there is a lot going on for those 50 minutes each day. 

I think this is less me trying to solve her problems and more me trying to say, "It's okay if you decide to live with your parents, even though you decided not to a few weeks ago."  At this point, shame is the primary thing she's dealing with.  I mean, she had very concrete plans to move with her boyfriend and live with her parents.  Then, she broke up with him and decided not to move.  I'm sure she feels that, if she decides to live with them now, they will see her as a disappointment. 

So, I think that, deep down, she knows that living with her parents is the best thing for her right now, but she's afraid to ask them if she can. 

[Mutt]

Hi SummerStorm,

I'm sorry to hear that. I can understand how frustrating this would be if your friend may be homeless. We may be able to see the bigger picture and it can be distressing when we see loved ones not applying themselves at work or maybe not showing us that they are concerned if we ask them if they found a place to live and we'd like to help our friends get back on their feet.

Yesterday, she texted me and told me that she needs to find a place to live.

Has it been nearly two weeks since she texted you? She had asked you if she could stay with you and you said no? She may of felt embarrassed with her history with you and then she can't stay with you. It's possible, it's not always BPD pathology.

From the sounds of it, she could be in a predicament, she hasn't really provided enough information, if she hasn't found a new place to live it's something that she needs to do for herself and we're not helping if we enable the behaviors.

She's not technically homeless.  She's still living with the guy she broke up with three weeks ago.     I'm sure he's getting extremely tired of it.  

Living with her parents is definitely an option, as that was the original plan.  So, it's not that she doesn't have anywhere to live.  It's that she doesn't have anywhere HERE to live.  

We've been texting occasionally since I told her she can't live with me.  Sometimes she replies; sometimes she doesn't.  

I can see how that would be frustrating if she selectively responds.

I sometimes send important messages about our kids to the ex and I don't get a response even though I'm being nice and kind. Its like she doesn't care sometimes and I know she's self centered, sometimes she has a lot going on with herself and its hard for her to put herself in other people's shoes and I try not to take it to heart.

Is she often rude like that in her responses with you?