Responding to breakup threats

[Depression = 72% of members]

So as I mentioned in another thread, last night my partner picked a huge fight with me over boundaries and inappropriate friendships (one of her favorite wedges to drive between us when she gets too scared of us getting closer). I didn't handle it very well because I am so tired of being the emotionally mature one while she uses me as a punching bag, and being the rock while she runs around sabotaging herself. Also I felt really disrespected as she was crying and yelling at me because she misses her emotional affair buddy. I said some things in anger--justified anger, but still not validating or aimed at repairing the relationship.

She withdrew, I let her sleep on it, and then this morning she was just sulking and refusing to get out of bed. We had planned a fun weekend for her birthday. I told her that I would only pay for the fancy dinner etc if she tried to have a good time, otherwise we can do birthday dinner another time. She started yelling at me "you can't tell me how to feel! you were really mean to me last night!" etc and eventually got to "it's over! I can't do this anymore! you ruin everything for me!".

I suggested putting the decision about ending the relationship on hold, as this is a really tough time (moving and all). She didn't argue about that but now she's just sullenly cleaning the apartment. I want to communicate to her that I'm here and willing to come back together, do the fun birthday weekend, etc. But the last time I told her that, she said "well good for you! I'm not!"... .

What should I do? 

[thisagain]

So as I mentioned in another thread, last night my partner picked a huge fight with me over boundaries and inappropriate friendships (one of her favorite wedges to drive between us when she gets too scared of us getting closer). I didn't handle it very well because I am so tired of being the emotionally mature one while she uses me as a punching bag, and being the rock while she runs around sabotaging herself. Also I felt really disrespected as she was crying and yelling at me because she misses her emotional affair buddy. I said some things in anger--justified anger, but still not validating or aimed at repairing the relationship.

She withdrew, I let her sleep on it, and then this morning she was just sulking and refusing to get out of bed. We had planned a fun weekend for her birthday. I told her that I would only pay for the fancy dinner etc if she tried to have a good time, otherwise we can do birthday dinner another time. She started yelling at me "you can't tell me how to feel! you were really mean to me last night!" etc and eventually got to "it's over! I can't do this anymore! you ruin everything for me!".

I suggested putting the decision about ending the relationship on hold, as this is a really tough time (moving and all). She didn't argue about that but now she's just sullenly cleaning the apartment. I want to communicate to her that I'm here and willing to come back together, do the fun birthday weekend, etc. But the last time I told her that, she said "well good for you! I'm not!"... .

What should I do? 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[thisagain]

Just waited it out for a couple hours and then she was frantically sobbing and begging me not to leave her. 

[thisagain]

Physically clinging onto me, talking about proposing, and going on and on about how mean she was to me and how she's getting "the better end of the deal."

If I hadn't found bpdfamily, I would be feeling totally crazy right about now.

[lovers knot]

Aren't you glad that you waited it out? Physical clinging and talking of proposing suddenly, too! How do you feel about that?

"If I hadn't found bpdfamily, I would be feeling totally crazy right about now."

Ha! Touche'!

[thisagain]

This has been an especially classic BPD day. We snuggled, made out, she clung and talked of proposing. Then we try to go through with her birthday plans, and at dinner she's back to picking a fight over whether she can hang out alone with the friend who invited her to the sex party.

I mostly just let the talk of proposing go in one ear and out the other. Because I know it can go from "it's over" to "I've been looking at rings" and back again multiple times a day.

[thisagain]

And then she's painted herself black ("I'm a mistake, you'd be better off if we'd never met" and resumed begging me not to leave. All of this within 24 hours. I am SO exhausted.

Tomorrow I spend the night alone at my new apartment before starting my new job!

[lovers knot]

I bet you're exhausted to the core, after all of that, but lookie-lookie what's in your future:

New apartment. New job. New journey. Exciting!

Out of curiosity, how long did you two know one another before getting together and moving in with one another? I know that sometimes couples will go for a while before making that jump, so I was just curious.

I'm not sure if you've said in another post somewhere, but how long did you know about her having BPD after you guys met? Did she tell you right away, or... .?

I was told only a couple days after I first started talking with my dear friend with BPD. I know that sometimes the pwBPD won't tell anyone, and so the Non will eventually discover these truths and realities for his/herself that their pwBPD has it, by mere action alone.

What are your experiences in this regard?

[thisagain]

Yes, it has been so exciting She's had all sorts of turmoil with her new school but my work has been keeping me too busy and happy to be affected by it.

She sort of accidentally ended up living with me a few months after we met. She quit school A and had to leave the campus housing, put her stuff in my apartment and was going to stay with me for a week, and just never left. She was planning to go to school B but didn't apply, had drama with the family she was going to live with, was going to get a job in my town and get her own place, went to one day of the job, called in sick every day for two weeks and then quit. A few months later arbitrarily decided to move out and got a different place for a month but turned out to want me to stay there WITH her every night, and then moved back. Applied to and was accepted to school C, but had drama with the relative who pays for everything for her, so ended up living with me rent-free for several months... .

Now she's living in campus housing and just started school D, so I anticipate she could be starting the whole cycle over again. At least now I know that letting her stay with me and just "keep her stuff for a while" at my apartment is a terrible idea.

[lovers knot]

Wow, it sounds like she's really quite "all over the place," which as you know, is one of their common traits.

How is she taking the distance since all of this went down?

The great thing is that you are taking care of your business, feeling fine, and doing well; if the cycle returns, you're ready for it, while staying busy and letting it run its course.

Glad to hear new updates from you!

[Loosestrife]

This has been an especially classic BPD day. We snuggled, made out, she clung and talked of proposing. Then we try to go through with her birthday plans, and at dinner she's back to picking a fight over whether she can hang out alone with the friend who invited her to the sex party.

I mostly just let the talk of proposing go in one ear and out the other. Because I know it can go from "it's over" to "I've been looking at rings" and back again multiple times a day.

I'm very familiar with this... .if you think this will change with age, think again!