I wished I could have kept my mouth shut... .
About what? The truths you saw, your feelings, the changes that could be made?
Are you taking some of this on as another form of avoidance/denial?
Are you more sorry you didn't get the outcome you'd prefer than for speaking up?
Ya, I wished I could have just gone with the flow. As I continue to ready my move (she has already moved) I continually see more evidence of all the loving energy and thought she invested into the marriage. I honestly was not fully present when she was doing all of this. I was emotionally checked out or otherwise unavailable for some of it. Just my baggage that I came to the marriage with.
During the course of our marriage, I completed EMDR on some significant childhood memories and I became free of an incredible black hole of emotions that literally prevented me from seeing, talking and feeling about so many things going on around and inside of me. A part of this was, I remember her being so upset with me that I would not join her in H.H. related tasks. I also remember her keeping me at arms distance from her when I tried to join with her in doing it. That behavior just ended up re-triggering me over and over until I started to get to the bottom of what was going on.
In some way, she was doing all these loving things on a different plane of consciousness. It was
about our marriage, but not always
for it. It is like some element of it all was a script she was reading from. As I go through our belongings and see all the wonderful things that she accomplished I am feeling moments of why couldn't I just be quiet and accept who she is. I know the answer; because she was abusing me and twisting a part of all of what she did into a form of control. My PTSD was a perfect mechanism to work through, made me ripe to be controlled.
As I process all of this it is still has moments of feeling so bewildering. She frantically urged me into therapy. She could see I was not right. I pushed back, hard. Circumstances made it so I ended up doing the work. Once I got some clarity and could see what was happening with us, I tried to begin to turn the ship in the right direction. But her responses to me were so mixed. On the one hand, she genuinely wanted me to get better so that we could have the life we were planning together, and she was happy that I took the medicine so to speak. On the other hand, I think she wanted me to stay sick. It was a form of safety for her; control and belittling and financial superiority.
Further, I always knew there was something not right with me, I just had no clue what it was and denied the PTSD diagnosis. When I got better, I saw that she her analysis of me was right and I also saw where she was leading me around by the short and curlys. All of her efforts of pushing me to get better were cushioned in the context of achieving our life goals. I was so excited to be growing in the right direction. I thought she would be too. I think she was excited and happy about all my personal growth but it left only one half of the problem addressed.
Little did I acknowledge that while she was willing to help me with my problems, she would have little of the same for herself. She tried, she really did; but like me not seeing what was going on earlier in the marriage, she didn't see her role. And I thought I was doing the right thing standing up to the situation and addressing it straight on utilizing my newfound strength and owning the person I had become. That is what I wished I had shut my mouth about.
Are you taking some of this on as another form of avoidance/denial? Most definitely. Avoidance of the pain I presently feel. Mostly in the form of loneliness and broken dreams. At times, I fantasized about leaving and going out on my own but did not have but a dream to base it all on. Now that I am here, this is not a dream. I am preparing for a 1 week vacation and only recently realized I am vacationing alone. It's OK, I am sure it will be fine but I really enjoyed the companionship of someone else in my life, even a broken companionship. Life is not meant to be lived alone.
The other part is that I do not know what my purpose for living is. I always thought I would be a Dad. That is what I have worked for all my years. That is what she and I were working for. I thought my changes would have made that possible. So close.
I still want my nest. People in my age group are celebrating being empty nesters. I thought she did too, but I am not so sure anymore. She claims I just put up roadblocks to achieving that goal and would have none of my telling her that our marriage needed stability. Or more accurately, could only provide the stability that she was able to see and work on. I suppose her internalization of my words converted into her trying harder to do the things that she could do well; H.H. related items. She was really good at it. Which brings me to back to cleaning the house today and seeing all that she did do. I know there was a genuine desire on both our parts.
Are you more sorry you didn't get the outcome you'd prefer than for speaking up? I guess in a way I am. The only part of saying that which I cannot honestly reconcile is that achieving the family goal may not have been what I would have wanted in the context of a pwBPD traits.
We wanted the same things but saw that successfully achieving our goals looked differently.
Funny how quick my mind can change. This morning I woke up thinking, better to be alone and have one person respect me than to be together and have no one respect me. Then this afternoon when all I can feel is, I have no idea why I am in this world and what should I do now.
This is a long reply, but your questions were very pointed and got me right to the heart of the issue.
