How did they break up with you? (If they did)

[Depression = 72% of members]

So I'm at about two months out of my first serious relationship and with 6 weeks of no contact. This is my first post in the detaching forum. 

My BPDex wanted a break which I agreed to because I thought it would help the relationship but I've come to realise with what little contact we've had since the "breaK" that she always meant for it to be a proper break up. I've spent a lot of time feeling hurt that she both wasn't honest about this giving me false hope and that she decided to break up over text (we were long distance but only a couple of hours and I was willing to visit to discuss it in person). She had been exhibiting what I can only see has classic push symptoms but I'm finding myself angry about selfish and disrespectful she seemed with the break up. Is this a normal BPD thing?

[Corgicuddler95]

So I'm at about two months out of my first serious relationship and with 6 weeks of no contact. This is my first post in the detaching forum. 

My BPDex wanted a break which I agreed to because I thought it would help the relationship but I've come to realise with what little contact we've had since the "breaK" that she always meant for it to be a proper break up. I've spent a lot of time feeling hurt that she both wasn't honest about this giving me false hope and that she decided to break up over text (we were long distance but only a couple of hours and I was willing to visit to discuss it in person). She had been exhibiting what I can only see has classic push symptoms but I'm finding myself angry about selfish and disrespectful she seemed with the break up. Is this a normal BPD thing?

[Herodias]

Mine did that in the beginning. Turned out he had a g/f  that was starting to move away from him... .I was the "just in case" person. I have learned that if you set them free and they come back, it was not meant to be. If you set them free, do not go back - or you will have a life that continues with this behavior. I found my BPD husband bed with another woman on Xmas! Basically giving me no choice but to separate from him... .That's how that worked, so I don't recommend it! See the flags the first time and go no contact... .you will find someone else. There are lots of nice women out there that want good relationships. Look to yourself as to why you were attracted to this type of person and work on yourself to make a change... .that's the best you can do.

[Tangy]

Mine started trying to get out of the relationship a year in. Said he couldnt be what I needed him to be (I should have listened). Then he went through a weird re idealization phase of me... .bought me a really sentimental engagement ring and asked my dads permission... .and proposed in a super sweet way. Then has basically been trying to get out again ever since. "I won't make a good husband or father (saying this while crying)." And over the following two years just got worse and worse. When we broke up in February it was "I DONT LOVE YOU" and when he moved out he wrote on the board in the kitchen "I love you never forget" and proceeded to call every night... .we ended up getting back together... .he rushed to marriage again... .had a decent amount planned... .he loved me so much and had learned so much... .nothing was going to come between us... .I was his perfect companion blah blah... .and then he cheated with a chick from high school and now I guess they are together and now he's probably whispering sweet nothings into her ear.

[LostGhost]

Mine started getting really distant with me. Last time I saw her I was her date for a mutual friend's wedding. Next day she told me how much we share, how I'm the only one that cares about her and understands her. Then the rest of the day treated me like I was invisible and less than garbage, belittling me in front of her friends and so on. I confronted her at night about how I felt disrespected and she blew up. Started hyperventilating and calling herself a bad person over and over again. I tried to talk to her but she told me to get out, leave her alone and let her go. I said I wouldn't see her or talk to her again. She said we'd make great friends. I told her I can't be just friends because of my strong feelings/attraction to her. She exploded again and I haven't seen or heard from her since. 6 days no contact. I still have no idea why we broke up or why she treated me like she did that day. I think she must have been lining up a replacement.   

[GreenEyedMonster]

I got in a minor argument with mine during the idealization phase.  He turned off his phone and never spoke to me again.

He left a Facebook message for me at 1 am a couple days later telling me it was fun but it was over.  He then unfriended me, blocked me on every conceivable place I could contact him, and disappeared from my life.

[Infern0]

usually just makes less and less contact to the point where we are only texting once or twice a week for 4-5 texts back and forth while totally denying anything is wrong until I get to the point where I say look if it's going to be like this I can't do it anymore, then she replies "well if that's what you want but I dont think anythings wrong?". Followed by rage and or silent treatment when i point out the obvious...

And then about 1 month of NC before

"I miss you, infern0"

[Corgicuddler95]

Mine started getting really distant with me. Last time I saw her I was her date for a mutual friend's wedding. Next day she told me how much we share, how I'm the only one that cares about her and understands her. Then the rest of the day treated me like I was invisible and less than garbage, belittling me in front of her friends and so on. I confronted her at night about how I felt disrespected and she blew up. Started hyperventilating and calling herself a bad person over and over again. I tried to talk to her but she told me to get out, leave her alone and let her go. I said I wouldn't see her or talk to her again. She said we'd make great friends. I told her I can't be just friends because of my strong feelings/attraction to her. She exploded again and I haven't seen or heard from her since. 6 days no contact. I still have no idea why we broke up or why she treated me like she did that day. I think she must have been lining up a replacement.   

Well that's very close to what happen to me. Last time we saw each other was for a few days with her family. One of those was at her brothers wedding and she was really sweet and loving and close to me but the other days she was quite passive agressive. After that she she acted distant, barely replying to message and a few weeks later she wanted a "break", told her I wanted to try again a week later but she was like nah. Haven't spoken properly in 6 weeks.

[LostGhost]

usually just makes less and less contact to the point where we are only texting once or twice a week for 4-5 texts back and forth while totally denying anything is wrong until I get to the point where I say look if it's going to be like this I can't do it anymore, then she replies "well if that's what you want but I dont think anythings wrong?". Followed by rage and or silent treatment when i point out the obvious...

And then about 1 month of NC before

"I miss you, infern0"

How many times have you gone through this Infern0?

[LostGhost]

Mine started getting really distant with me. Last time I saw her I was her date for a mutual friend's wedding. Next day she told me how much we share, how I'm the only one that cares about her and understands her. Then the rest of the day treated me like I was invisible and less than garbage, belittling me in front of her friends and so on. I confronted her at night about how I felt disrespected and she blew up. Started hyperventilating and calling herself a bad person over and over again. I tried to talk to her but she told me to get out, leave her alone and let her go. I said I wouldn't see her or talk to her again. She said we'd make great friends. I told her I can't be just friends because of my strong feelings/attraction to her. She exploded again and I haven't seen or heard from her since. 6 days no contact. I still have no idea why we broke up or why she treated me like she did that day. I think she must have been lining up a replacement.   

Well that's very close to what happen to me. Last time we saw each other was for a few days with her family. One of those was at her brothers wedding and she was really sweet and loving and close to me but the other days she was quite passive agressive. After that she she acted distant, barely replying to message and a few weeks later she wanted a "break", told her I wanted to try again a week later but she was like nah. Haven't spoken properly in 6 weeks.

Know very much what that feels like.  I'm sorry you're going through this experience. Do up you know if you have been replaced?

[rotiroti]

What if it felt like our exBPD left us with no choice but to leave?

[Corgicuddler95]

Know very much what that feels like.  I'm sorry you're going through this experience. Do up you know if you have been replaced?

I don't think so, she doesn't go out much right now so I doubt she has a proper partner yet (though she is starting a new year of university soon) but I wouldn't be surprised if I've been emotionally replaced with an online friend already

[myself]

Things were going too well with us (for someone who's disordered).

She was triggered. Her reality shifted. She acted out and fled the scene.

Then did some intentional bridge burning and has mostly disappeared.

[hurting300]

Well I came home from work and seen she had washed my clothes and cleaned house and she had vanished into thin air. Completely disconnected and disappeared. Even changed her number. I didn't get broken up with.

[LostGhost]

Well I came home from work and seen she had washed my clothes and cleaned house and she had vanished into thin air. Completely disconnected and disappeared. Even changed her number. I didn't get broken up with.

What in the world? And you haven't heard a single thing since? No idea where she went or what happened? That must be painful  so bizarre.

[LostGhost]

Things were going too well with us (for someone who's disordered).

She was triggered. Her reality shifted. She acted out and fled the scene.

Then did some intentional bridge burning and has mostly disappeared.

What triggered her do you think? Fear of engulfment?

[SGraham]

I second the post a few above me. We started to get too close, she got triggered and then tried to just not contact me ever again. I knew she had depression and stuff so i didn't want to rush in there and demand answers but eventually i realised i would go mad if i didnt know. I sent her a text message where i explained how i was confused, not angry, confused about why i was being isolated and would just like to know. I told her our relationship really mattered to me and not knowing hurt more than anything else. She then told me about her having BPD via BPD tumblr posts and explained how oftentimes pwpbd drop all feelings for loved ones because its too triggering. I told her and i quote "i respect the fact you tried to not hurt me, i cannot imagine how confusing that must have been for you"

That was and probably will be the last time i ever talk to her.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Well I came home from work and seen she had washed my clothes and cleaned house and she had vanished into thin air. Completely disconnected and disappeared. Even changed her number. I didn't get broken up with.

What in the world? And you haven't heard a single thing since? No idea where she went or what happened? That must be painful  so bizarre.

It happens to some of us  unfortunately. Mine, after 9.5 years of nonstop communication sent me a typed a note in my birthday card telling me she had decided she and her kids were going "down a different path". When I called to ask what the heck was going on she let it go to voicemail. 9.5 years and she abandons our relationship. Couldn't tell you why to this day she left. I can tell you she owes me a ton of money. And she didn't mention a word about that... .

[Infern0]

usually just makes less and less contact to the point where we are only texting once or twice a week for 4-5 texts back and forth while totally denying anything is wrong until I get to the point where I say look if it's going to be like this I can't do it anymore, then she replies "well if that's what you want but I dont think anythings wrong?". Followed by rage and or silent treatment when i point out the obvious...

And then about 1 month of NC before

"I miss you, infern0"

How many times have you gone through this Infern0?

First time (I was replaced)

Second time was after we agreed to be friends, but then she wanted more but was still with replacement and it couldn't work as she'd enmeshed with him and wouldn't leave, she wanted a "smooth transition" over to me from him

Third time was shortly after that but same result

Fourth time was after she broke with the replacement and we got back together then she backed off again

Fifth time was this time where we were in the process of getting back together then she ran off again

So 5 "break ups" in various forms

My PwBPD is highly emotionally unstable though, she cycles through friends at a rapid rate, every time we reconnect after a few weeks of NC she's usually got some "amazing" new friend who usually lasts a few weeks at the most, and she's lived in 7 different houses in the 2 years i've known her. Her best friend and me are the only people she recycles, she bridge burns everyone else.

[HappyNihilist]

Two years into the relationship... .he was on a business trip overseas and had been very distant, moody, hard to contact. He said he'd been stressed and had been cutting himself. My birthday passed with no word from him whatsoever. I sent him an upset text about how it hurt me that he didn't contact me on my birthday. He said it was over. He wouldn't give me a reason. The best he could do was - 'you're too special to waste another minute of your life on an a-hole like me.' Later, I discovered that he'd 'officially' started dating my replacement a few weeks beforehand. (She was a coworker, overseas with him.) They got engaged two months later.

So few of these stories involve an in-person breakup. During the relationship, my exbf made the comment that he couldn't stand to see pain in my eyes that he had caused, that it made him hate himself even more than he already did. It wasn't surprising that he broke up with me via text, from thousands of miles away.

[hurting300]

Well I came home from work and seen she had washed my clothes and cleaned house and she had vanished into thin air. Completely disconnected and disappeared. Even changed her number. I didn't get broken up with.

What in the world? And you haven't heard a single thing since? No idea where she went or what happened? That must be painful  so bizarre.

yes we tracked her down and I got custody of my baby. Of course she tried blaming me for the whole thing but our evidence proved otherwise. And this disappearing act is common with people that have personality disorders. Especially among narcissists and sociopaths.

[hurting300]

Well I came home from work and seen she had washed my clothes and cleaned house and she had vanished into thin air. Completely disconnected and disappeared. Even changed her number. I didn't get broken up with.

What in the world? And you haven't heard a single thing since? No idea where she went or what happened? That must be painful  so bizarre.

oh and forgot to mention she STALKED me after she vanished.

[Infern0]

Two years into the relationship... .he was on a business trip overseas and had been very distant, moody, hard to contact. He said he'd been stressed and had been cutting himself. My birthday passed with no word from him whatsoever. I sent him an upset text about how it hurt me that he didn't contact me on my birthday. He said it was over. He wouldn't give me a reason. The best he could do was - 'you're too special to waste another minute of your life on an a-hole like me.' Later, I discovered that he'd 'officially' started dating my replacement a few weeks beforehand. (She was a coworker, overseas with him.) They got engaged two months later.

So few of these stories involve an in-person breakup. During the relationship, my exbf made the comment that he couldn't stand to see pain in my eyes that he had caused, that it made him hate himself even more than he already did. It wasn't surprising that he broke up with me via text, from thousands of miles away.

One of mine actually did happen in person, although it was me doing the breaking up, she gave me no choice and I gave her a chance to talk to me and change my mind but she just sat there dissociated. Still I actually managed to have a hug and a no hard feelings, best of luck etc etc. It wouldn't have been the worst ending, but she came back a month later and it all began again

[myself]

I was broken up with in person and by text/email. Different times/recycles. Whenever, however, and wherever she flipped, she flipped. The pattern being run away. I would have preferred the actual ending to have been face to face, and more 'friendly' than it turned out to be, given all the experiences, plans, and years we'd shared, but she couldn't/wouldn't do it.

[coldmist]

I got split black by my exgf for telling her I cared about her and how much she meant to me (engulfment trigger) after a minor conflict we had. What followed was extreme push and pull behavior over the course of two weeks starting with a rage filled silent treatment that lasted a few days, her hugging me and saying she still wanted to be friends, a phone call a few days later with us talking and joking like normal, a simple nice text message exchange, and then without warning she started ignoring my phone calls and refused to be anywhere near me. I didn't push any further contact as I was already walking on eggshells. I told her mother that whenever my ex wanted to contact me, the door was open for her and left it at that. From what I heard from a friend, she made me out to be the bad guy and it was all my fault for being "childish" (split black). She started stalking me afterwards which lasted for a couple months until she moved. While I've seen her in the area since then, she has completely vanished as far as I'm concerned.

Normal healthy people do not behave like this. Being thrown in the trash for telling someone I cared about them is insanity. No one deserves to be treated like that. Yet I'm the "childish" one.

I suspect she discarded me to recycle with her ex whom I was being groomed to replace. He must have gotten discarded again as she's recently found a new replacement. She had been with her ex for 2 years and they were engaged, and she was bizarrely the caretaker in that relationship as that guy has his own emotional issues, until I came in the picture. Including myself she's been involved with three different guys that I know of in the past 6 months. The speed in which she handles relationships is horribly unhealthy. The current replacement and her are in the idealization phase but the facade will end and he'll see the real her soon enough. He'll do something wrong and trigger her.

[FannyB]

First time 'round she started distancing, triangulating and dissociating in the aftermath of me buying her a 'promise' ring. She became hyper-vigilant and was dissecting my every word for inconsistencies in order to manufacture a reason for breaking up (engulfment fears no doubt).  Needless to say she found it - I was tried, and duly convicted, in the kangaroo court of her disordered mind. 

Second time around it was to do with abandonment concerns and me not being there enough for her. I didn't spend the evening at hers when 'I could have'. Even though we'd previously agreed that I wouldn't stay down that night.   

When you feel them shift into self-destruct mode it's more like walking across a minefield than walking on eggshells IMO!


Fanny

[seang]

The commonality here is their total disregard, coupled with an immediate detach.  Like it was nothing!

Great weekend together - child free

Was moving in together a week later

made love all weekend, was very close

She said "I need to make an effort, or you will walk away"

She asked if "i was getting cold feet?"

had a few trips out, eating and drinks.

Was very close... .then

She goes into a rage over an iphone cover being broke, i retaliate, and leave for my flat.  Next day she wants a break, which turned into a nasty end.

reason?

Im not sure if its;

1. fear of engulfment (me moving in and us getting closer, although with whats happened since, i doubt she even likes me)

2. Fear of abandonment - the things she said over the weekend, the fact we were push/pulling more and i wasnt happy, got out before I got out?)

3. Or just plain old didnt want to stay with me anymore... .


I guess my biggest fear is that there is someone out there compatible for her.

[JohnLove]

From what I heard from a friend, she made me out to be the bad guy and it was all my fault for being "childish" (split black). She started stalking me afterwards which lasted for a couple months until she moved. While I've seen her in the area since then, she has completely vanished as far as I'm concerned.

Normal healthy people do not behave like this. Being thrown in the trash for telling someone I cared about them is insanity. No one deserves to be treated like that. Yet I'm the "childish" one.

Hi coldmist, your post helped me tonight to recognise the "grow up" up statements I've been receiving the last week for what they actually are.

Another "revelation" in my relationship.

It's SO freaking confusing. I am repeatedly and constantly being painted black over my attempts at working through things as they arise or responding to some pretty ordinary behaviour (which at times causes my behaviour to become pretty ordinary when I can't cope hence her statement to me), or with the personal attacks... .but it never lasts very long. Phew!... .exhausting.

[rotiroti]

The commonality here is their total disregard, coupled with an immediate detach.  Like it was nothing!

Great weekend together - child free

Was moving in together a week later

made love all weekend, was very close

She said "I need to make an effort, or you will walk away"

She asked if "i was getting cold feet?"

had a few trips out, eating and drinks.

Was very close... .then

She goes into a rage over an iphone cover being broke, i retaliate, and leave for my flat.  Next day she wants a break, which turned into a nasty end.

reason?

Im not sure if its;

1. fear of engulfment (me moving in and us getting closer, although with whats happened since, i doubt she even likes me)

2. Fear of abandonment - the things she said over the weekend, the fact we were push/pulling more and i wasnt happy, got out before I got out?)

3. Or just plain old didnt want to stay with me anymore... .


I guess my biggest fear is that there is someone out there compatible for her.

You know, it's likely a combination of things -- the fear of abandonment and engulfment are always in flux.

Don't take the rejection personally saeng, the attachment they seek could be to anyone. Sure there might be someone out there who has weak boundaries and would allow the pwBPD to walk all over them for longer periods, but those will inevitably fail as well.

The bottom line is that until the pwBPD gets better, their behaviors will never change.

[Dutched]

Exw had a switchbox, Feelings ON – Feelings OFF, released with OFF a nuc bomb in stealth mode as an ultimate outburst and final destruction while we were together as a family with our kids.

The day before the switch was seemingly ON, shopping together and holding hands.

O, exw would only leave temporarily, to get some rest…

[Lifewriter16]

The last breakup seemed to follow this pattern (most was by text):

• I felt cut-off, withdrawn and depressed and needed time to process my own issues.



• He texted to ask when he would see me next.



• I asked him when he wanted to see me next.



• He said 'tonight'.



• I said I felt awful as previous 18 hours together were difficult (he was detached most of the time).

• He said perhaps he should stay at home.



• I said that would be best.



• He started dysregulating. He suggested he shouldn't come over ever again if I didn't want to see him when he was detached.



• He accused me of cutting him out and pushing him away and demanded to know when he was going to see me next.



• I refused to make an arrangement or rise to the bait.



• He tried threatening to break up with me.



• I ignored his threat.



• He then cycled repeatedly by text through: accusing me of wanting to break up with him; seeking reassurance; telling me it was over; saying how unreasonable and nasty I was being; accusing me of wanting to end it and trying to goad me into finishing with him.



• I didn't respond to his texts, but about an hour in, texted him to say I was watching TV.



• He continued cycling through the above by text.



• I ignored his texts.



• He offered to meet me.



• I responded and we arranged to meet.



• We met in person. He told me what he wanted (more time together to stop him from cutting off from me) and how reasonable it was for him to have that.



• I said I couldn't meet those needs because I have a family.



• He told me what was wrong with me.



• I told him I wouldn't be blamed, it takes two.



• He accused me of wanting to end it and of having a date with someone else and tried to force me to end it.



• I refused.



• He started offering to walk away.



• I didn't respond.



• He stopped offering to walk away.



• He told me what else was wrong with me.



• I let the noise of his criticisms be drowned out by the sound of the river next to us and thought peaceful thoughts.



• He sat down and started talking to me properly.



• I told him I love him but can't cope with his dysregulations.



• We arranged to meet.



• We left together to go to our individual appointments.



• I had a sinking feeling about continuing to be in a relationship with him.



• I asked how he would feel about us being friends instead to take the heat out of the relationship.



• He said that was what he'd wanted all along and we were only back together because of me.



• Apparently amicably, he got the bus home after confirming our meeting.



• He sent me an email asking how 'effectively ending the relationship' would solve the insecurity in our relationship.



• I replied he'd convinced me in his texts the previous night that I was being unfair to him to encourage him to invest any further emotion in our relationship when I couldn't see us having a future together.



• I received an email from him saying I would not see him again and he didn't want to hear from me again and he was going to get on with his life.



• I haven't responded as he requested.

When the exchange began, all I wanted when we set out was to protect some time for myself and not have to spend a second consecutive night with him when he was dysregulating. By the end, I wanted out because of his behaviour.

Does this type of dynamic resonate with anyone else?

Lifewriter x