We are not inferior

[Tangy]

Why does it seem like many of us have this inferiority complex when it comes to our expwBPD? I mean I think I know the answer to that (FOO issues). I once heard a quote, "love is not more valuable when it comes from a difficult source." And I feel like many of us unconsciously think that it is. A lot of us had to dance and do the jig to get love from our parents or caregivers... .so we do the same things with our BPD. I've read during research that mother natures plan is that we are magnetically connected to our BPD with boatloads of chemistry because it's the way to healing. Like we are trying to rewrite history through the difficult relationship... .prove our worth. If we can get these people to treat us right then we will finally feel worthy.

I guess I just spend so much time feeling less than him. Like it says something about me that he cheated... .and that she's so lucky to have him... .and she's getting all his good parts. NO! That's wrong! It says stuff about him that he would cheat! I am and was honest, loyal, loving, beautiful, etc... .as I'm sure all of you were as well! The only thing it says about me is I was willing to remain in a relationship with someone that showed me time and time again that he didn't love or respect me. Now I can become healthy and find out who I truly am and find someone who fits into MY life... .where we fit together... .rather than fitting who I am around who the other person needs me to be.

I guess I don't have any specific questions, just looking for discussion, other people's thoughts, add ons, etc... .

Remember: love is not more valuable just because it comes from a difficult source!

[rotiroti]

Remember: love is not more valuable just because it comes from a difficult source!

That is such a lovely line tangy!

It is so easy to confuse the intensity of a pwBPD with that of a true intimacy that we long for.

You hit on a really big topic, that many of us (myself including) have this distorted thought that the ex is riding into a sunset with the replacement. We couldn't be more wrong - until and IF the pwBPD gets intensive therapy and gets better, they are doomed to repeat the same cycle over and over again. We may be hurting, but it's them that have a much more difficult journey in life. We have the option and power to choose what's right for us.

The poster Fromheeltoheal just shared this with me:

What if everything happens for a reason and it serves us?  What if she was supposed to come into your life at that time and that place because there were certain lessons it was time to learn?  What's good about what happened?

What if in your case Tangy, you were able to realize your own potential? That all of these loving feelings you felt were always inside of you?

[Corgicuddler95]

I think my inferiority complex in regards to my exBPD is that I struggled with self image and lacking any relationship experience but she comes along being all cute, a couple years younger than me and we somehow hit it off. I know several guys who liked her and I feel she's the only girl who ever liked me.

I guess I get angry that I know she we will be the first to get another partner but it was me that put so much in, all the long nights taking care with her, being willing to wait when she had to move home for a year. like I did everything I could and now have nothing but she doesn't have to do anything but she will probly have a new bf/gf by the end of the year  :'(

[Mutt]

Hi Tangy,

I agree that love is not more valuable from a difficult source. My ex taught me that the love and attention that I wanted was also from a difficult source in my FOO and I needed to learn to love myself. That's my personal experience and not necessarily the same experiences from fellow members.

[theoneone]

Tangy what a good topic that I know I struggle with as well and have thought of a bunch. I think for me is has to do with the perceived power that my BPDex held over me. I was always playing catchup. Always trying to bend my needs to fit hers while she got to do whatever she wanted. That is NOT reciprocal love and it damages our worth after so much time as we wonder how we could love someone so much who doesn't seem to love us the same way back.

When in our hearts we feel like we are trying our very best through love and time and time again this person seems to hold power over our feelings and worth, combined with the BPDs charm, sex appeal, and (disingenuous) confidence, our self-esteem can start to take a big hit, especially when they cheat or flirt around all day every day.

You are spot on though. It says everything about THEM that they treat another person this way. They cheat and lie because THEY are not right. Their values and morals do not match ours. They are twisted and they justify away their bad behavior while we take the blame. What a crappy cycle to be in. And now we are free.

Staying at length with someone with this disorder shows that we have a large amount of love and respect to give away freely, and I agree with rotiroti, they have it harder than us. They will most likely struggle their entire lives, while we get to LEARN and grow from our experience and surround ourselves with people who appreciate the gifts we know we can bring.

[ms.wisdom]

I have been struggling a lot with this recently. For me I think it is because at the start of the relationship I knew that I deserved a good person and to be treated well. uBPDx even told me I should make sure that I don't "settle" by being with him. So he thought I was great and I agreed. Then as I cautiously let him in and got closer, the put downs, the contempt, the "your not good enough for me" comments began. And his attacks on me were issues at the core of me, the most important things in my life, things that everyone else in my life praised me for (being a single mom and my service in the community) and his comments just destroyed me. Why those words had such a huge effect on me is a good question. I guess I believed his praise of me, so his harsh criticisms of me must have been true also.

After he left, he called to tell me that I had a profound impact on his life and he was a better person because of me. Although I know he didn't miraculously change from 2 days prior when he was yelling at me about how "now that he knows me, he would never want to be with Someone like me", to his phone call of how great a person he is now... .It hurts immensely to feel so used and like I was completely destroyed and trampled over on his way to a better self

[Conundrum]

Never take what they say too seriously, for then you validate the disorder instead of critically thinking. And it will twist you into a disordered pretzel. I never believed that she was superior to me. She was neither above nor beneath, though different. Her capacity was alien and quasi supranatural. A bit unworldy.

There were elements I could learn from her, almost of a nihilistic post-modern bent, and there was much I could impart. She is wise in her anti-relational ways. There is cruel strength in being able to sever and adapt in-the-blink-of-an-eye. If you chased after that disordered pot of gold, only to find that it was as abstract as grains of sand slipping through your fingers--grant yourself the gift of grace. For you loved a person whom many shun as the modern equivalent of Lilith or whatever the male version may be. We are all loveable in our own ways, as all things change.

[Darsha500]

A lot of the time I actually felt superior to my ex. She even called me out on it once early in our relationship. She wrote in an email, "I think that you think your better than me... .I think that you think I'm crazy." I remember when she read that email to me, I thought, "Oh sh!t she found me out!" This was early in the relationship right when her crazy started to peek its head through.

I had a hard time feeling as if I were on a peer level with her. In the beginning, when I first met her, she seemed to be a peer, but as her craziness was exposed... .not so much. I remember even thinking, "Oh man, her G.A.F (Global Assessment of Functioning) score must be so low."

She did try to bring me down though. After she began working with autistic people she told me, "I'm a disabled person too, but so are you, in a way (because I have ADD). She would also harp on me for being "overly sensitive," and once even convicted me of being bipolar. I'll admit I am quite sensitive, but she would try to make me feel bad about it. Saying that, she was really sensitive too when she was my age (she's 5 years older than me), as if she was so much more mature than I. I will admit, too, that my self esteem took a beating in that relationship.

-----

I remember my therapist pointed out to me something called the three ego states: the child, the adult, and the parent. He pointed out that my relationship to her was very much one of the parent to the child. Like a parent trying to get there child into the best school, I really wanted her to find an amazing DBT therapist. I had it in my mind that I was going to help her get treatment, that she was going to overcome her disorder, and that we were going to live happily ever after, as peers.

My AA sponsor pointed out to me that perhaps I feel the need to feel superior to relationship partners; that I need somehow to feel I have the upper hand. I'm not entirely sure that I agree. But what I have recognized is my own White Knight Syndrome. I am an "Overly Empathetic White Knight." according to the book I'm currently reading (Which I highly recommend). Its called the white knight syndrome, how to rescue yourself from your need to rescue others.

I have gained so many invaluable insights into my behaviors and orientation towards relationships by reading this book guys. For example, here is a quote, maybe you can relate, I know I do.

"The predominant unconscious motive for the altruistic behavior of the overly empathic white knight stems from her childhood anxiety about her caregiver’s well-being, and her need to keep her caregivers strong and close. This behavior also represents an attempt at vicariously being rescued by rescuing her partner. She needs to feel needed and valued, but her main psychological conflict, the fear of loss and separation, motivates altruistic behavior that maintains a close connection to her partner."

[joeramabeme]

I am with you Tangy, in the FOO camp of understanding.  I only have my own experience to draw these conclusions from. 

I see it as a complimentary relational unhealthiness that each partner comes to the r/s with.  My need to be loved from a difficult source to prove I am worthy and her need to be loved and accepted no matter what she does. 

We each try and outdo the other, she gets more outrageous and I get ever more passive as we both attempt to get some inner need met that neither of us is entirely conscious of.

Once one of us stops playing their role, it is over, or at least that is what happened for me.  I guess in a weird way she "won" as I was no longer able or willing to keep going.  But in losing the battle I have a chance to win the game as long as I learn and change from what happened.

[Turkish]

The FOO issue may not apply to every single person here, but I think it does to a lot of us. Someone recently said, "how do you address a problem with one person with a completely different person?"

[disorderedsociety]

Never take what they say too seriously, for then you validate the disorder instead of critically thinking. And it will twist you into a disordered pretzel. I never believed that she was superior to me. She was neither above nor beneath, though different. Her capacity was alien and quasi supranatural. A bit unworldy.

There were elements I could learn from her, almost of a nihilistic post-modern bent, and there was much I could impart. She is wise in her anti-relational ways. There is cruel strength in being able to sever and adapt in-the-blink-of-an-eye. If you chased after that disordered pot of gold, only to find that it was as abstract as grains of sand slipping through your fingers--grant yourself the gift of grace. For you loved a person whom many shun as the modern equivalent of Lilith or whatever the male version may be. We are all loveable in our own ways, as all things change.

Lol... .Same here. I did a lot of studying into the Lilith mythos myself after this breakup.

You might like this:

www.tinyurl.com/spiritualculturalimplications

"Borderline patients often know ... .the level  of the transcendental self.  What is not known is its immanence, for it has never (fully) incarnated."

Mine used to tell me she felt like she wasn't supposed to have been born, as if she was a fragmented soul who had only partially come into reality. On one of our mushroom trips (yes, with a borderline!) she claimed she recalled having been a young black boy in the 1960's who murdered someone, and was ostracized from his community, all she could say was "I'm sorry... .I'm sorry"

I think some of us really really touched on deep parts of them and vise versa. One of the most profound things she told me was that I made her feel like her soul was on fire.

[Conundrum]

Lol... .Same here. I did a lot of studying into the Lilith mythos myself after this breakup.

You might like this:

www.tinyurl.com/spiritualculturalimplications

I think some of us really really touched on deep parts of them and vise versa. One of the most profound things she told me was that I made her feel like her soul was on fire.

Thanks, that looks like an interesting read. I'll review it more thoroughly after the workday.

My xSO definitely embodies a mystical/spiritual feminine archetype. She's half Northern Plains Native American, and produces craft-work with intricate geometrical patterns that are unlike anything I've seen before. It's as if she channels these forms straight from some unknown ancient place. The whole notion that this particular archetype--Lilith, Kali--fitting in w the modern procedural world, produces a strange and sometimes tortured dichotomy. Unless they find a balance and a calling in-tune with their natures (that is also financially viable) they often struggle with living a meaningful life. To this day, I've never met someone who could tread so silently--actually without any noticeable sound at all. I would turn around sitting at a desk and she'd be right behind me. Many a time it caused me to jump, until I became used to it. I have no idea whether that was related to her Native American ancestral genes, but it was uncanny.     

[theoneone]

Could someone explain what FOO is? Similar to FOG?

[Turkish]

Could someone explain what FOO is? Similar to FOG?

Family of Origin. See the glossary tab above for a summary of the acronyms.