Feeling selfish and afraid

[18yearsandtired]

hi. I'm not sure if my partner of 18 years is BPD. He has not been diagnosed but I have had several of health professionals treating us both tell me to look it up, and my counsellor gave me a book - stop walking on eggshells - which pretty much summed up the last 18 years. He's been verbally abusive at the worst of times and it had gotten to be too much, he was doing the same things to our son as he was to me, so a year ago I aid no more. I told him I wanted it to be over, that I could not take this anymore. He had threatened to leave me so many times I just figured he would go. Before, he talked about it all the time, though denies that now. But he didn't. He "fought" for us. Stopped smoking pot every night. Started helping with the kids, and tried really really hard to use better language. He has a lot of other issues, depression and anxiety being the main ones that after this long I have a hard time with. Since I have to pick up the pieces. In the last three years I started a job I love, and it fulfills me to my core. It each what I am passionate about to kids who are stoked to learn from me, with a facult team that is incredible. Over the years, I have used my freelance work as a "happy place" and a compartment for me, and had a good career... .But this new phase has been amazing.it however, makes him feel even less. Then I acknowledged I had some strong feelings for a coworker, it has never gone further than that. However, it truthfully does have all the markings of an emotional affair, and I feel awful for even thinking about it, and I am trying to rebuild trust. It is not working. He is accusing me of so many things I have just not done, nor would ever do, and in front of our kids. I have caused hidepression and this and everything. I don't belittle the fact that this is a Bqig deal. And I am going back to work in a week and he brings things up daily. Like I have waxed my eyebrows, or I'm wearing something sexy or whatever,  he's aacused me of flirting our whole relationship, but it's gotten so much worse. I am a relatively successful writer/illustrator and prof and I am struggling with holding it all together and I'm not sure how much more I can take. I used to be empathetic to him, but now I feel nothing. It sucks. We have two awesome kids. And I'm living in a world of guilt and blame for so many things... .Conversations spin and end with me being blamed for starting a fight... .I know I didn't but I question everything. Is it worth it? I look sick on our entire relationship and this feeling has always been there. I just turned forty and I want good. I'm tired of feeling crazy all the time. So, even thought he's trying, seeing a counsellor (I am too... .) how much is too much?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[sweetheart]

Hello 18yearsandtired, 

I'm glad that you have found bpdfamily, from your post you sound overwhelmed and that is understandable with all you have been living through.

Coming to this forum can help you breakdown that overwhelmed feeling into more manageable pieces. I'm going to pick up on your last sentence and say finding a therapist/counsellor for you is great idea. It will give you somewhere to focus your self and start to sort through and process what is happening. Support as most of us on here can attest to can really help.

I'm going to post a couple of links for you to have a look at, take it slow, the information can really help, so this is the link if you are choosing to Stay in your marriage, although I can hear confusion and uncertainty in your post around your relationship, this can still be a positive place to start; https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.

I'm also including a link about relationships in general, because it seems that recent insecurities and difficulties in your marriage may be the catalyst for some of the recent difficulties,  https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a115.htm

Keep posting because the support, kindness and compassion that I have found here has really helped me.