Hello 18yearsandtired,
I'm glad that you have found bpdfamily, from your post you sound overwhelmed and that is understandable with all you have been living through.
Coming to this forum can help you breakdown that overwhelmed feeling into more manageable pieces. I'm going to pick up on your last sentence and say finding a therapist/counsellor for you is great idea. It will give you somewhere to focus your self and start to sort through and process what is happening. Support as most of us on here can attest to can really help.
I'm going to post a couple of links for you to have a look at, take it slow, the information can really help, so this is the link if you are choosing to Stay in your marriage, although I can hear confusion and uncertainty in your post around your relationship, this can still be a positive place to start;
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.
I'm also including a link about relationships in general, because it seems that recent insecurities and difficulties in your marriage may be the catalyst for some of the recent difficulties,
https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a115.htmKeep posting because the support, kindness and compassion that I have found here has really helped me.