Did your ex have any good qualities?

[Beach_Babe]

Did your ex have any good qualities? Beyond our own codependency and familial dysfunction... .beyond the mirroring, what made you stay?

Mine had a wicked sense of humor; they made me laugh through much tragedy. i truly miss that.

[hurting300]

Yeah my ex was really good at writing. I could read her stories for hours. She was good at story telling also.

[disorderedsociety]

Mine was really creative, and a wonderful artist.

She also could be very comforting and loved to cook.

She was comfy to lay my head on too!

I feel happy writing this, as its not attached to any desire to have her back. What's done is done!

Just because a borderline person has hurt you doesn't make them bad, they just have their own struggles that you should never have / never should get involved in intimately.

[SGraham]

Sure, thats why i started dating her. My ex had a really sarcasm and irony based sense of humour which worked well with mine. We had loads of inside jokes that we forged together. Plus she is pretty damn smart.

[saintgrey]

Well my ex is very smart, the sweet side and caring i don't really know if that was mirroring or her true self... .its sad to think that i probably never knew her.

[LonelyChild]

Sadly, no. She was above average intelligence, but not very educated. She was good with drawing, absolutely above average, but still it was not a skill that she could produce something with. All she did was do a couple of nice drawings each year.

I think she's pretty much empty without someone to mirror, which is why she's going under from anxiety now that I'm detaching. It hurts to see hur feel so bad, but I can't really do anything. These poor people are suffering.

She's not kind, not considerate, not well-spoken, not empathetic, very egoistic, cannot handle money whatsoever, is more interested in clothes and jewellery that working on her situation, rather spends money on things (little decorative things) than saves to get a better future, etc. She cannot take care of a home (is now in an assisted living place), cannot clean, cannot wash clothes, cannot make a bed, cannot cook food, etc. She basically has no good qualities. I think she knows this and hates herself for it. She lately has started to try to be considerate, but since it's not genuine and not a skill she has developed, it ends up coming out very, very awkwardly. For example I asked her not to be late all the time. Her response is to still be late all the time, but stress herself to death over little things that do not matter time-wise. I'm so sad for her because I know deep down she wants to be good to me, but she doesn't know how to, not even if told. She needs reparenting. :-(

[hergestridge]

I talked about this the other day. When there was just me and her and not too many things to worry about for her, my exwife could be surprisingly patient, funny and cute.

I always felt that I was the one that kept her isolated, because every time we broke our isolation as a couple, she became dysfunctional and started devaluing me. I always felt bad about that, as if it was my fault that we were an isolated couple. But that was the only way we could be a couple. And she was not interested in leaving me either.

[GreenEyedMonster]

Mine is an EXTREMELY talented writer.  He has a blog that's absolutely amazing.  He has a way with words that attracted me to him from the start.  He has a dark sense of humor and knows all kinds of amazing trivia.  He is a talented musician.  He loves animals and volunteers with them.  And like many of our partners we've posted about here, he was a passionate lover.

[Infern0]

Funny off the wall sense of humor, very compassionate.

These things are lost during devaluation obviously.

[BorisAcusio]

She had a fun persona with sarcastic humour, behaved much like a child in that stage of development in which its instinctual drives are curbed only by immediate external authority. I had the exciting feeling that anything could happen as those drives were always lingering around the surface.  

[sas1729]

I posted on the thread about high functioning BPDexes, and I think my ex was not on the extreme end of the spectrum. So with that it may be obvious that there were things that I enjoyed about her. We could be friends, in the moments when there was nothing pressing from the outside. In fact, that was by far the majority of the good time in the relationship.

She was fun to go on a trip with. We would go on walks during the Fall and chat. She could also be sweet and cute and was a good gift giver. She always managed to find a gift that would make me laugh. She was also affectionate, which I enjoyed. I see now that these are qualities that I can find in many people, which is uplifting for me. At the time I thought she was unique in those aspects. This is not meant to undervalue those traits, and she has them. It's unfortunate that she has BPD, and I feel for her. Today I hold no resentment and the hurt is gone. I hope that she is well.

[Runnerboy25]

Mine was very intelligent, sarcastic and silly sense of humour. Had a passion for the outdoors and travelling, and yes a passionate lover. Even before I became aware of BPD which I only did months after she left me I always saw her as this talented and amazing person trapped completely by some very deep rooted emotional issues, underneath this she had a lot of great qualities.

[Pretty Woman]

It took me awhile to realize everything I liked about her was really her mirroring me.

She "got" my sarcastic/dark sense of humor and even mimicked it. She was really fun to be around and we seemed a lot alike. But like many mention on here, you can see the difference when she is with someone else. Her personality almost morphs into theirs. The chick she is dating right now is a know-it-all and arrogant. She is reflecting this in her speech... .

and I only know this through someone mutual... .I haven't seen nor spoken to my ex in 3mos.

After the final break I realized all I know about my ex:

1) She likes rocks

2) She likes animals (lions, tigers, bears... .oh my)!

3) She has a lot of horrible, jerky exes (ha ha) and a very dysfunctional family.

Yeah that is about ALL I know. I don't even know her favorite color or what her favorite movie is. I don't think she has any hobbies. I know she has no goals or dreams. Everything I wanted... .she wanted... .

until she found someone else to mirror. Now she wants all that. She's not happy. She never will be.

I am seeing someone at the moment. I will be honest, not sure where it's heading but I don't see it long term. I forced myself to get out there and date again... .I found it important in my healing as long as I am honest with the other person and not using them.

I will tell you this... .

In less than a month I know more about this woman than I knew about my ex in 4yrs. Yeah... .4wks versus 4yrs. Speaks volumes!

PW

[Michelle27]

I also think that the things I liked about my ex were the things he mirrored in me.  Compassionate, caring and giving.  Those things of course went out the window whenever I was painted black, and repeated trips on that crazy train over most of a decade served to put me into such FOG that at times I actually believed it was my fault and became like one of those circus performers balancing spinning dishes on sticks while balancing on a chair.  He'd rage, throw me a new dish to add to the others until I finally let them all crash to the ground because I could no longer keep balancing them while he refused to meet any of my needs. 

He was also good about helping others, and put on a great face of giving for them, but then I'd hear the rages about how they were using him.     At this point, the only good qualities I see in him are that he presents himself to be the best partner at the beginning of a relationship.  I wish his replacements a lot of good luck and wisdom... .

[rotiroti]

Certainly, it's what makes the b/u a heartbreaking experience.

I agree with Michelle27 and what Pretty Woman mentioned about mirroring. I think that can say loads about us, that we are very lovable.

Even after 8 years of friendship prior to the romantic r/s, it feels like I didn't know my fiancee at all.

[HappyNihilist]

My exbf is intelligent, funny, and generous. He's an amazing cook, very mechanical and handy, a great mentor and teacher, neat and organized, curious and adventurous. He's a passionate lover, and very masculine and strong... .and yeah, I quite liked that.  We shared a lot of interests and viewpoints (besides the mirroring stuff - established things from our pasts). He's quite self-aware, and extremely observant. He actually gave me a lot of good advice and support during the relationship, and helped me on my journey of self-discovery.

Just because a borderline person has hurt you doesn't make them bad, they just have their own struggles that you should never have / never should get involved in intimately.

It's important to remember that pwBPD are very real, very human people - doing what all of us are doing - which is trying to make sense of the world and our place in it, and get through the chaos of life. pwBPD have their own unique struggles to deal with. As one of my favorite comedians (Maria Bamford) says, "We're all doing the best we can and sometimes it is not that good."

[SGraham]

As one of my favorite comedians (Maria Bamford) says, "We're all doing the best we can and sometimes it is not that good."

That's funny, my father has a quote quite similar to that. My dad usually words it "everyone's just bumbling through life, you gotta give them credit". Im not mad at my ex, more just mad at circumstance.

[Corgicuddler95]

Of course. She was super cute and cuddly, intelligent and stronger than she gave herself credit for. We shared interests and she always tried to cheer me up when I felt down.

But I've come to realise that she was also pretty immature, unwilling to expand her horizons and when there was a problem in the relationship I always had to be the one to fix it. It can only last so long when only one person is trying to solve the issues.

[Ripped Heart]

ExN/NPDw had no good qualities whatsoever. The ones she did have in the beginning were all just an act. If asked what particular skills or qualities she had, her answer would be that she could manipulate people and upsetting the balance just for fun.

ExBPDgf had many good qualities but didn't have enough belief in herself. She could light up a room when she walked in, was great at talking to people, beautiful and had an amazing sense of humour. She was also a tryer, no matter how many knocks came her way she would try but then reach a point where she doubted herself and gave up. She wore her heart on her sleeve the majority of the time.

[balletomane]

He had good qualities and interests that were genuinely 'his', not just mine. Mirroring was not a strong trait for him, I think. He was more likely to try and change me than to copy me.

I loved his humour. He could also be extremely kind and comforting, providing it was over a 'neutral' thing (i.e. something that was nobody's fault, like when I injured my foot and needed stitches - if I was hurt over some aspect of his behaviour, then no chance). He was very passionate about linguistics and I loved listening to him talk about it if only to see the enthusiasm on his face. He loved animals and was great with them. I liked that too.

[theoneone]

My ex has a lot of street smarts. She was homeless during her youth and teen years and she just carries a down to earth attitude that I think stems from getting to know a LOT of people growing up in different cities. I always liked that. And she's tough. She's a survivor. She'll kick ass if there is ever a zombie apocalypse.

She's smart. She knows a lot about geography, biology, and plants and a lot of other random subjects. We would go on nature walks and she would identify all the plants we saw. She has a very big vocabulary of awesome words and we both love to read. She loves cool music, weird music. She loves to dance and dances well. She's sexy as hell and beautiful and super passionate in the bedroom (I'm guessing this is a common trait... .but who doesn't like that?  . She was very "heady" and tuned in to some bigger picture stuff about life.

Sigh. Makes me miss her. Oh well.

[SGraham]

He had good qualities and interests that were genuinely 'his', not just mine. Mirroring was not a strong trait for him, I think. He was more likely to try and change me than to copy me.

I loved his humour. He could also be extremely kind and comforting, providing it was over a 'neutral' thing (i.e. something that was nobody's fault, like when I injured my foot and needed stitches - if I was hurt over some aspect of his behaviour, then no chance). He was very passionate about linguistics and I loved listening to him talk about it if only to see the enthusiasm on his face. He loved animals and was great with them. I liked that too.

What you said about being compassionate but only for neutral things makes sense. I had a testicular torsion (would not wish on my worst enemy) like 2 dates into our relationship and she was super compassionate during that but she was a bit cold when i had a interpersonal issue with someone else we both knew.

[Beach_Babe]

Funny off the wall sense of humor, very compassionate.

These things are lost during devaluation obviously.

Oh no they're not! Come now, devaluation was a real ha-ha.  Yay, I got punched in the head. Lets do it again.

[SummerStorm]

She is incredibly intelligent.  She wrote amazing papers for her philosophy and literature classes and found ways to connect the concepts to Doctor Who.  I'm just a few credits away from my Master's, and I had a hard time understanding some of the things she was writing about. 

She is a great teacher and cares about her students.  It's just a shame that she can't manage to keep a job. 

She is great at cuddling.  I suppose that is a BPD trait, but I do miss it.  Her hugs were also the best.  She would sometimes sneak up on me and just give me a huge hug. 

She remembers random things.  She doesn't remember important things (my birthday, etc.), but she does remember silly things.  The other day, I texted her about a soccer game I was going to (we are LC), and she remembered certain players that I was talking about.  Actually, I was surprised that she even bothered to ask how the game was.  My brain is also incredibly random, so we had that in common.

She is fully aware of the fact that she treats people like s__t.  She keeps doing it and can't apologize, but that's BPD for you.  Having said that, she is pretty self-aware and doesn't recycle.  We were never an actual couple, so I don't consider our current LC to be recycling.  To the best of my knowledge, she has never gone back to an ex.  She messes things up and lets the other person go. 

She is good at (sort of) respecting my wishes.  I requested that she give me updates on how she's doing, and she gives them to me. 

More often than not, she is a pain to deal with, but she does have some decent qualities.  I've learned Radical Acceptance, which has helped a lot.  I think we can all agree that it sucks majorly, but it's reality.  I tend to have a bad temper and can also be very impulsive, so I do take responsibility for triggering her several times, but not all the time.  At this point, whenever I am tempted to send her a string of angry texts, I stop and say to myself, "You are the actual adult here.  Act like it."  Most importantly, I've stopped apologizing for things that aren't my fault.     

[Reforming]

Behind all the hurt and confusion that surrounds them and touches those who care for them most BPDs are just people.

Individual, unique with their own qualities and flaws

My ex was very bright, extremely capable and she could be very generous and loving.

She could also rip out my heart, smash it to pieces and throw what was left to sizzle on the barbecue.

It hurt like hell, but I don't think it was personal. Love, hate, hurt, anger were mixed up and distorted by her disorder and she really struggled to take responsibility for her behaviour.

We're all capable of being good and bad, but when a person has personality disorder the extremes can be terrible.

One moment you're standing on a mountain top bathed in sunlight and the next you're at the bottom of a chasm smothered in pain and sadness.

The drama of those extremes can be very addictive and they fill up a lot space. Clinging to the good moments can keep you stuck in the belief that this is who they really are.

It isn't…

The darkness and the light are part of the same person.

I recognise my exes good qualities but I also realise that her capacity to do me and others harm was very really too and that I can never change that.


Reforming

[JohnnyShoes]

Mine was generous.

But most of all, she made me laugh a lot of times... I mean, I genuinely laughed...

We shared the same type of humor.

That bonded me to her. I miss her for that.

Really enjoyed those moments

[Yolanda123]

He made me laugh a lot, he had this quirky sense of humor that really charmed me from the beginning. He was also very smart and extremely creative. These are core qualities that can't be faked so I know these parts of him were real... .Other qualities that I loved about him but that kind of disappeared, or were there just 'part-time' by the end of the r/s, so I don't know if those were real, or part of his fake self or mirroring: he was loving, gentle, sweet, thoughtful, caring, sensitive, vulnerable, generous. He also was a very passionate lover.

My perfect man... .if you remove BPD from the equation! 

[Invictus01]

She has a ton of good qualities... .I just wish that the very first day I met her and we spent the whole day together talking and dancing and hanging out with my friends and that one day felt like we were just meant to be, like it was fate... .I wish that day, when we started talking about relationships and she flat out told me - "I don't know what it is about me, but somewhere around a year mark, I just tend lose interest in the guy, just get bored"... .I wish I just stood up and walked away instead of ignoring it and thinking "No way this will happen to me, we have something so special, it can't end this way".