No Contact 2 months, phone call received

[confusedinny]

2 months post breakup. I hadn't responded to her in about 7 weeks and she just called from a # I didn't know and I picked up. I didnt know who it was at first and thought it was work related. Ended up talking to her for a few mins instead of just hanging up the phone.  Those few mins have left me so frustrated and angry and stirring up all of the feelings of resentment I had towards her previously. I guess we can't expect those feelings to go away immediately. I'd been feeling really good though in general.

Its odd timing because I dreamt about her last night for the first time since our b/u. In the dream we were just in some grocery store going up and down the aisles and all of those feelings of feeling trapped with her and trying to figure out how the hell I'd get out of the r/s came flooding back within my dream. I woke up so relieved and thankful to be free of it... .then to this call.

The essence of the call is she feels I'm being hard on her by not communicating with her at all and she wants me in her life as I'd been her best friend for the last 2 years. I explained that in life when you are so continually dishonest and treat people a certain way, they don't really want to be your friend or be in your life anymore. She said she feels guilty because she is doing so well right now (she was promoted at work), but she can't really feel happy about the blessings in her life (I don't believe that's true) without sharing these things with me because none of it would have happened for her if it wasn't for me. She then sent me 2 emails after hanging up the phone which I blocked.

I wish the interaction didn't get to me, but it did.  Maybe one day I'll be able to get a note or call from her and here she's doing well and it will make me feel good to know I've helped her along in life. It doesn't make me miss her or make me confused. It just makes me upset at the time wasted, makes me think about how poorly she behaved, and I'm afraid in truth I helped someone out who will only go on to do more damage to other people. Time to go exercise and get rid of some of this negative energy. Thanks for allowing me to vent.

[Invictus01]

There is something about them needing to hold on to you no matter which capacity you are in. "A friend"... .hah, a good one... .

[seang]

Nice post.  Amazing composure.  Ill be there soon.

release those endorphines... .

[Loosestrife]

Thanks confused. Your post has helped me, I'm only 4 weeks along and I have ignored a few attempts of contact. The 'youre my best friend' line has been used in me in previous occasions. I don't know about you, but my ex certainly didn't treat me like I was her best friend when we were in a r/s, so I can't see how this will change now we are not in a r/s... .

[confusedinny]

Loosestrife,

I just read your other post. Hang in there man! You're doing great! Stay strong! You are correct, her behavior is not going to change.

In my whole life not sure I've faced anything more difficult than detaching from this r/s. I'm 2 months from the b/u, and yeah, I'm doing relatively well with it emotionally right now, but I had a year of deep deep struggle and planning to get to that point to unplug. Once I got through that struggle, I have to say I became so repelled by her because I could finally see her for what she really is:  a damaged person who became a narcissistic emotional vampire. Do I still feel sympathy for her and what she's been through? Sure. But I'll stay clear, because there is only pain back there for me, nothing good at all. And I'd wager there is nothing good back there for you either.

Loving someone with BPD takes such an incredibly deep capacity to love... .You're constantly going above and beyond and forgiving their many mishaps and demands. So when you finally decide to unplug, its not their love for you that is making it so hard. Was there ever any love there for us to begin with? Maybe a little I suppose, but not much. Its really your own incredibly deep capacity to love them that is now fighting against you. You're pushing back against this tremendous love you'd built up for them and it feels very unnatural. But its your own ability to love thats making it so hard, its not their love for you at all. And when you can love so deeply, you clearly deserve someone who can reciprocate that love back. So take all of that wonderful energy you have and point it in the right direction!

[Lucky Jim]

Loving someone with BPD takes such an incredibly deep capacity to love... .You're constantly going above and beyond and forgiving their many mishaps and demands. So when you finally decide to unplug, its not their love for you that is making it so hard. Was there ever any love there for us to begin with? Maybe a little I suppose, but not much. Its really your own incredibly deep capacity to love them that is now fighting against you. You're pushing back against this tremendous love you'd built up for them and it feels very unnatural. But its your own ability to love thats making it so hard, its not their love for you at all. And when you can love so deeply, you clearly deserve someone who can reciprocate that love back. So take all of that wonderful energy you have and point it in the right direction!

You put that well, confusedinny.  LuckyJim

[Pretty Woman]

Confused,

  You sound like you are doing so well. I hope to be where you are someday.

A friend does not do the crapee things these people do. I know what a friend is... .so do you.  That was the hard part in this for me... .my friends could not stand my ex. They tolerated her because they love me. They couldn't stand to see me go through all she put me through emotionally.

They need you when no one else will put up with them anymore.  My friend got a letter yesteday from a guy she grew up with. In this letter he actually said he was diagnosed BPD... .he said he missed her and could use a "friend".

He hadn't spoken to her in three years.  This friend has seen my plight the last few years and knows well enough to just wish him well but not get involved. They destroy relationships... .hence why they move alot and change jobs.


Very proud you are in such a good place   I do believe someday you can be happy for her without being present in her life... .you are detaching and doing a good job at it.

PW

[Darsha500]

Loving someone with BPD takes such an incredibly deep capacity to love... .You're constantly going above and beyond and forgiving their many mishaps and demands. So when you finally decide to unplug, its not their love for you that is making it so hard. Was there ever any love there for us to begin with? Maybe a little I suppose, but not much. Its really your own incredibly deep capacity to love them that is now fighting against you. You're pushing back against this tremendous love you'd built up for them and it feels very unnatural. But its your own ability to love thats making it so hard, its not their love for you at all. And when you can love so deeply, you clearly deserve someone who can reciprocate that love back. So take all of that wonderful energy you have and point it in the right direction!

Thanks so much for this insight confused. It is exactly what I needed to hear this morning, as I'm struggling deeply right now.

I'm at the gym listening to some raggae, a song called the courage to grow. Here's a sample of the lyrics

This is a song for those

Who lost their hope

A long a long time ago

I know someday that you will find it somehow

Because you're not too old

To accomplish goals

And all the answers are within your soul

It's up to you, you gotta figure it out

Uh huh

Whether you want love or money

Good fortune or fame

You want a brand new card

You want the world to change

You better take some action right now, oh yes

Because there's nothing in the world that you can't get

So don't fill your life with confusion and regret

You better take some chances right now

Well you can gain the world

But for the price of your soul

Yes I know, well I know, yes I know

You can gain the world for the price of your soul

But I hope you take the road less traveled

And I hope you find the courage to grow

Well I hope you find the courage to grow

Listening to it brought tears to my eyes. As I reflected on her I thought of how much I want her to be well. But I know it is UP TO HER. she must be the one to find the courage to grow. To seek treatment and get well. It's so tragic, because I love her so much. And yet I am powerless. This is such a profound life changing experience. It has stretched me and surely strengthens me.

Thanks again.

[2357]

Hi Confusedinny,

That is what I feel after nearly 3 months:

"upset at the time wasted, makes me think about how poorly she(in my case he) behaved, and I'm afraid in truth I helped someone out who will only go on to do more damage to other people."

I feel really helpless and angry that he will carry on doing this to others or might treat them better. I sometimes feel anger how people who are this dishonest cannot call upon responsibility?

I wasted more than two years from my life and he did not care about it at all!