wish I had a live suppoort group like this :)

[kairorose]

Hello everyone! Not sure what to say... well I have been searching for help with my issue in having an unhealthy relationship w my BPD boyfriend for 3 years! soo glad I finally have a place to vent and get/give support! I am in therapy myself for the past few years... I feel so helpless at times because leaving the relationship is soo hard esp without many friends/social support. I wish we had a live group like this or a phone line I can call when I need the support/hugs.) Thank u all!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi kairorose,

I see you're pretty new to the Boards. Welcome.

I'm with you on both appreciating the support I get online and wishing it wasn't so virtual. A real live group would be wonderful.

Love Lifewriter

x

[ptilda]

I've been actually pondering starting a group. I have several friends who have SOs with a variety of issues from anger to bi-polar and everything else in between. I bet if you started a related book club, you might be able to start your own group.

[kairorose]

Im would love to start a live group but not sure how... .I am in NJ if anyone else is interested let me know!:)

[Notwendy]

Its a good idea and then, not a good idea.

The lessons on validation are good, but for many of us, we need validation too. Some of us were raised in families where we didn't feel heard or considered because one or more of our parents were dysfunctional. Our SO's were also likely raised in invalidating families. We come together as a pair, both with a need for validation, and possibly both without the skills to provide it.

A support group, therapist, board, can give us a chance to vent and a chance to be heard.

But only having people support our sides of the situation, reinforce our point of view, validate us, can also keep us from having a better relationship. They can keep us stuck. It's easy to console a friend. It is much harder to confront one. In general, we choose our SO's because they match us in some way, and if they are dysfunctional, we need to look at our own emotions and behaviors as well that may be contributing to the dysfunction in our relationships.

The groups that I have found to be most effective do validate and console, but they have a larger goal in mind. A group such as a 12 step group has structure and the members have a common goal of recovery. It is more like a classroom, with rules, order, books to read and teachers ( sponsors). Members are committed to change and growth. Sometimes this is not comfortable. It can downright make us mad, but if we trust that the person(s ) making us mad are doing it for the best purpose, and we stick with it, then this can lead to improving ourselves and possibly our relationships.

There are probably other groups that do this too, such as groups led by therapists, other methods besides 12 steps or more. This board is not the same as therapy or a 12 step group, but it also has rules and is moderated.

So, while an unmoderated, unstructured  get together group can meet our validation and fellowship needs, it may not be the best solution if it keeps us stuck. It may be good in addition to therapy, or another group. I would at least hope to have some rules- such as confidentiality of members. It may be that there are already support groups in your area that can fit your needs.