Why us non's stayed

[klacey3]

Recently I have been trying to work out what drew me in so much and why I stayed and allowed myself to get sucked into his illogical thinking and mind games etc.

All I can work out is that I have low self esteem and have the tendency to overanalyse things that don't make sense and will find it very hard to let something go until I understand it. He would rarely spend time with me other than do what he wanted, I would travel to him as he didnt like public transport, he was always poor because he didnt have a proper job and he gambled the little money he did have, he rarely made an effort to even attempt to please me in bed, yet he seeked attention from other girls. I feel sad for saying it but I don't know why I was with him let alone stayed with him.

I would have the same endless conversations with him hoping that something would be different, trying to make him realise what he was doing wasnt acceptable and I was absolutely miserable and if he didn't change/stop I would leave him permanently. I tried so desperately but failed. I couldn't work out why he would do the things he did. He told me he loved me and never wanted to lose me but would do the very things I told him I would leave him if he did. I expressed my sadness so many times and in the last few months withdrew from the world, sat in my room, not going out, not eating much and crying nearly every day when talking to him to be told in response by him "haha guilty people cry"

I just can't work out why after being so obviously miserable did I stay anyway. I am embarrassed to admit the things I put up with from him. The reason must surely more than low self esteem? I hear about co-dependancy and childhood issues on this board but my childhood was actually good, I have never had any mental health issues (apart from maybe mild depression once or twice), I am not addicted to alcohol or drugs, I have a stable job, long term friends, my family are decent people, I have never been physically abused. Its really bugging me because If I cant work out why then it may happen again.

Why did you stay?

[SGraham]

I've pinpointed a few key reasons.

1. Most importantly i did/do really care about her and wanted her in my life.

2. I didn't know she had BPD (and didn't know what BPD was) so i naively thought that if i was patient and accommodating enough it would work out.

3. I think i have some co dependancy traits (i think i developed because my parents r/s was crap) that were preventing me from putting my foot down when my needs weren't being met.   

I mean it's obviously a highly intricate situation but if i had to pick the top three reasons it would be those.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey klacey3,  I suggest being kind to yourself.  It sounds a little like you are beating yourself up because it didn't work out.  Give yourself a break.  We Nons are good at staying and putting up with a tremendous amount of abuse that others would run from.  We are strong, kind and compassionate people -- caretakers -- but these qualities are not valued in a BPD r/s and perhaps work against us.  I stayed too long, too, in a hellish marriage of 16 years.  Who knew?  I had never heard of BPD.  Personally, I think the solution lies in learning to love and accept yourself, just the way you are.  Can you do this?  If not, you may have work to do.

LuckyJim

[scgator]

I've pinpointed a few key reasons.

1. Most importantly i did/do really care about her and wanted her in my life.

2. I didn't know she had BPD (and didn't know what BPD was) so i naively thought that if i was patient and accommodating enough it would work out.

3. I think i have some co dependancy traits that were preventing me from putting my foot down when my needs weren't being met.   

I mean it's obviously a highly intricate situation but if i had to pick the top three reasons it would be those.

Exactly the same. Plus throw in some fear of loneliness, a dose of low self-esteem and a tendency to ALWAYS try too hard or stay too long in r/s. Once all her accusations started, I was sure if I just stayed the course she would see there was nothing to them. Now, unfortunately, I believe it was all projection and I don't trust her.

[joeramabeme]

Great post klacey3.  I identify with many of the reasons listed here and add this one to the list.

I was older when I got married and really never wanted to be single again.  I incorrectly assumed that since she was my age, never married and struggled with being single for so long that she too would never want to leave and would eventually work through it all.  Guess some of this is fear-based thinking on my part and it kept me stuck in the r/s.  Eventually I did change my behaviors, adn this proved to be our undoing. 

Now that I have been single for a month, after 13 years, I have to say I don't enjoy it anymore than I did 13 years ago. 

[FannyB]

1) I found her behaviour weird and confusing rather than outright abusive.

2) I was determined to 'crack the code' and find a rationale for her behaviour.

3) She worked with me and I didn't want the fallout from breaking up with her whilst  she was still employed there as she had another job lined up and would soon be leaving.


Fanny

[myself]

She mirrored me so well it seemed I'd met someone who shared many common interests, had a very similar outlook on life, etc. (Some of it was true, some was manufactured.) By the time the cracks started to show, and things got weird, I was in love with her and thought I could help her overcome her issues. Finding out about BPD, it didn't turn out to be very likely, but we were supposed to get married by then so I still tried. Hitting the brick wall at the end of the dead end enough times finally woke me up enough to begin detaching.

[gameover]

Hey klacey3,

Would you identify yourself as a 'fixer' or a 'healer'?  There's something about damaged men that a lot of women find highly attractive--sort of the idea that with the right type of love you can tame them and reach their soft side.  It's an archetype that's prominent in fairy tales and movies--sort of the other gender's side of the knight and shining armor and the damsel in distress.  

In fact, take a look at the male leads that frequent romance novel--from Wuthering Heights to Fifty Shades of Gray.  

So sure while self-esteem might've played a role, things like naivete, idealism, and inexperience might've been factors as well.  And I'm still not convinced whether codependency is more the cause or the result of a relationship with a pwBPD.  Hard to say.  Maybe a combination of both.

If I cant work out why then it may happen again.

A couple tips:  

1.  Never get involved with a man who has more problems than you.

2.  Be ready to walk away at the first sign of abuse.

3.  Invest a little.  Watch.  Wait for a return on your investment.  That's romance--I'm not saying play 'hard to get' (that's mad unattractive IMO), but let the dance play out a little bit.  

I can almost promise you that if you follow these 3 steps, you'll never find yourself in this type of situation again.

[HappyNihilist]

Recently I have been trying to work out what drew me in so much and why I stayed and allowed myself to get sucked into his illogical thinking and mind games etc.

You're doing great work, klacey.

The way to healing and detachment is to look within ourselves. From there, we can discover who we really are, and build a healthy and authentic life for ourselves.

It's great that you're working on this.

All I can work out is that I have low self esteem and have the tendency to overanalyse things that don't make sense and will find it very hard to let something go until I understand it.

There are no hard and fast rules in humanity, of course, but pwBPD do tend to attract certain types of people - often one of three particular 'types': rescuers/fixers, narcissistic, or understanding-driven.

I am a lot like you - I totally get being a pit bull about understanding something. 

It's devastating to be confronted with a situation that just can't be understood. To realize that what's always worked for you just isn't working anymore. It leaves you feeling powerless and vulnerable.

Where do you think your drive to understand might come from?

I am embarrassed to admit the things I put up with from him. The reason must surely more than low self esteem? I hear about co-dependancy and childhood issues on this board but my childhood was actually good, I have never had any mental health issues (apart from maybe mild depression once or twice), I am not addicted to alcohol or drugs, I have a stable job, long term friends, my family are decent people, I have never been physically abused.

Like you, I had a good childhood, and no abuse history. But I also had devastatingly low self-esteem. It was difficult for me to try to piece together where this could have come from.

It helps to look at the ways your relationship fulfilled you. What in particular about the relationship gave you a feeling of worth and self-esteem?

[ScorpioLaw]

 I stuck with my ex because I honestly don't know if anyone else would deal with the way she was as well as I did... Most people didn't and hated her when we met.  I felt bad for her and I still do. The turmoil in that girls head was always immense.

My ex was a sweet girl who acted bad. Where I'm probably the opposite. I probably enjoy violence when its justifiable and guilt free.  She hated all confrontation in every form. Even within herself.

I wanted to show her she could trust someone, completely without them frowning on her and boy was I wrong about that. I've always had unconditional love for her; but the problems started with my expectations on what a relationship should be. I started expecting things I didn't in the beginning.

Anyways she wasn't a good GF by any means. But what we had was special.

Every time I thought about leaving I would look over and watch her doing things like sleeping or watching TV and she would seem so peaceful and content, and I knew how much it would destroy her if I ever did leave. Even to this day I can remember the looks she would give when she was afraid I was about to leave. The tears would start to build in her eyes and she would start crying and it would make me feel so guilty for ever allowing it to happen.  So I couldn't bring myself to hurt her in anyway because she really was so beautiful and simple.

She just wanted love and security. How could I purposely hurt someone like that knowing they loved me? So I felt the need to be there for her and protect her from everything.

I didn't break up or give up untill I realized I was hurting her anyway, by just being me. I still feel guilty about that and hope she finds someone that will really protect her because she might always need it.   

  I guess I was protecting her from myself in the end.

[Infern0]

In the start it had a lot to do with codependency, I was very very codependent and suffering from mild depression for 3 years and had effectively isolated myself from the world, I basically had been playing video games for 3 years,  all this was post break up with my npd ex.

When I met BPD she mirrored me and seduced me and I fell hook line and sinker, wrote off the red flags and jumped straight in.

I have got rid of most of my codependency, some of my feelings were real but a lot of it was not, I still care about her but I'm under no illusions after 2 years of dealing with her that she is far removed from what I thought she was for the first few months.

[HappyNihilist]

I wanted to show her she could trust someone, completely without them frowning on her  

You loved her unconditionally. You wanted to give her the love and comfort that she'd never had.

It's very admirable to love and accept someone as they are, without judgment, and to strive to be a trustworthy and supportive partner.

I stuck with my ex because I honestly don't know if anyone else would deal with the way she was as well as I did... Most people didn't and hated her when we met.  I felt bad for her and I still do.  

So I couldn't bring myself to hurt her in anyway because she really was so beautiful and simple. 

She just wanted love and security. How could I purposely hurt someone like that knowing they loved me? So I felt the need to be there for her and protect her from everything. 

I still feel guilty about that and hope she finds someone that will really protect her because she might always need it. 

It sounds like you thought of your ex in almost paternal terms. You became her protector and caretaker.

Disordered relationships often have a one-up/one-down position. People who have BPD in particular are drawn to relationship dynamics with established roles like that - parent/child, savior/victim, etc. Often these dynamics reflect patterns from both partners' childhoods.

Are you a protector/caretaker in other areas of your life? Is this a pattern you see in yourself?