So hurt and angry right now

[twanda2020]

So I was IM'ing a friend earlier and she invited me to an event at the end of the month. Good social events, lots of potential in meeting someone new or at least making some new friends. She also mentioned my Ex might be there. That she had seen her picture pop up on FB a few times. My friend is FB friends with my Ex's new GF  (replacement #2). My friend didn't say anything about the photos or how my Ex is doing. My friend thinks and is constantly telling me to move on, I better off. She went through a similar situation 5 years back, she is pretty sure her Ex is NPD. She is in a happy healthy relationship now. So I know it happens.

I guess why I am so hurt and angry is I don't give a Sh!t if my Ex has mental health issues. There is just common decency. Who can just move on, pretend like I never existed, the pets, the house, the 20+ plus years together? What kind of person does this? I haven't look, but I am sure her FB is just blasted with how f'in happy she is. How great it is to being in a loving happy relationship with someone she barely knows. How all her f'in dreams have come true. Acting like she is magically cured of her depression, anxiety, money problems, holding a job problems. I just don't get it. I am trying so hard to let go and move on. I have been ridiculously kind when it comes to my Ex. I try hard to not bad mouth her, empathizes with her issues. I know I am 50% to blame for the relationship failing. I am not perfect and have my own issues. But I would never treat her this way! It's funny with the first replacement she did same thing on FB and then when that ended she was embarrassed about all the love bombing she did and deleted everything related to that 5-6 months. Yet I am 99% sure she is doing it again. I won't look, I can't look. Maybe i should so I can desensitize from it, from her being with someone else?

I feel like tool. A joke. I wasted so much time, gave up so much of myself for someone who clear has no capacity to give a sh!t about me or anyone else for that matter. So angry that I helped her through the last 8 months with money and emotional support so she could just be healthy enough to be able to hook someone new and throw me out like yesterdays paper. I so mad and sad at the same time! I just want this sh!t to end. I want to be able to go out and not give a sh!t who she is with or what she is doing or that I might run into her. Maybe I need to be more angry? Part of me wants all this to fall apart for her, wants her to miss me so bad it hurts, wants her to come running back to me. I know that is not healthy thoughts and I know I would most like get hurt again if/when she did/does come back and I if let her back in.

My friend told me P (my Ex) hasn't changed and probably never will she just has someone kissing her arse right now. I know she is right, but it doesn't take away from what I am feeling right now!

I just don't know what to do to make it stop and move on. I been doing things I enjoy, slacking on exercising, but still walk the dogs nearly everyday. I haven't been as social as like, but I get out. I just feel so lost and I don't even know how I feel because I am all over the place!

I just want to release all this and relief from all this!

[once removed]

hey twanda2020 

my heart goes out to you. it must be really mind blowing to go through a twenty year relationship, be grieving it, and all the while with the appearance that your ex isnt experiencing any of it.

her actions hurt deeply, and that explains some of the anger. anger is part of the stages of grief, and its okay to feel.

i think doing the things you enjoy is a great step. grief hits us in stages. sometimes its drawn out. do give yourself time, sometimes progress triggers negative feelings. rediscovering the things we enjoy doesnt get us over our exes, but over time, it helps us rediscover ourselves, and feel a sense of normalcy. your relationship was twenty years. to reiterate, you wont feel a sense of normalcy over night or even, likely, over months.

have you been seeing a therapist?

[Beach_Babe]

This is exactly how I feel too. Mind blowing isn't it?

[twanda2020]

have you been seeing a therapist?

Yes I did after the original breakup. I have thought about going back.

Most days things seem more manageable. This week was blasted with triggers for me. Anniversary, she moved out a year ago. Honestly I am just tried of caring, thinking about it, missing someone who on the surface doesn't seem to give a sh!t about me. I am ready to be happy and free, but still feel to attached.

Also that fact that I will run into her if I want to go out and be social in my social circle and her social circle are in intertwined. There is no getting around it. It will happen. I want be able to handle it with calm, kindness, and grace. When I think about it it's like a punch in the gut and a mini panic attack. Here she is going out with replacement #2 acting like everything is great. No more depression, no more anxiety, and all her other issues just poof gone. I always wanted to be more social, I was before her, wanted to be that way with her. Healthy happy social live, healthy happy family life.

I just never seemed to have done things right in her eyes. It's like I was slowly pulled in and isolated and then I was wrong/punished for it. Lost touch with friends, honestly because things got weird hanging out with friends. My family and friends saw things I didn't see or choose not to see. I was always making excuses for her. The more isolated and tied to her I got, the more clingy, jealous, scared, resentful, etc I got. No one wants too be with that kind of person.

I think I know who I am, but don't completely trust myself yet. I wonder what it's like to be truly loved. To be able to talk about things. To be able to know that someone will always have your back even if it means telling you things you don't want to hear because they love you. To be loved for who I am, all of me good/bad.

I know I am loved by my family and friends. I just feel sad about the love that could have been. Sometimes I am scared because I am 43 and haven't dated in 20 years. Will I ever know this love I long for? Most of the time I think so, but sometimes I just don't know.

[once removed]

"Honestly I am just tried of caring, thinking about it, missing someone who on the surface doesn't seem to give a sh!t about me. I am ready to be happy and free, but still feel to attached."

i get this feeling entirely. it may help to keep in mind that her inhibited ability to grieve is not a reflection on you, and your grief is not "wrong", your relationship was twenty years; it is completely understandable. its not a contest, this isnt some hopeless case of unrequited love. you know that example where someone tells you "dont think about an elephant, dont think about an elephant, dont think about an elephant", and its obviously impossible not to conjure up an elephant? try not to stigmatize your grieving process. your pain, and your feelings, are valid.

that said, it sounds like you are making progress too, so give yourself credit.

"Here she is going out with replacement #2 acting like everything is great. No more depression, no more anxiety, and all her other issues just poof gone."

her issues are not "poof gone". you mentioned you "dont give a care if she has mental health issues. there is just common decency". learning about, and accepting the mental illness will go a long way here. a personality disorder is ingrained in ones personality. applying our standards of decency to a mentally ill person will keep us stuck. the very fact that she doesnt appear to be grieving a twenty year marriage is very telling.

"I just never seemed to have done things right in her eyes."

are you blaming yourself for the demise? if so, its understandable. my ex tried to force me to cut off ties with a girl. i refused. my refusal did not strengthen our relationship.

"I think I know who I am, but don't completely trust myself yet. I wonder what it's like to be truly loved. To be able to talk about things. To be able to know that someone will always have your back even if it means telling you things you don't want to hear because they love you. To be loved for who I am, all of me good/bad.

I know I am loved by my family and friends. I just feel sad about the love that could have been. Sometimes I am scared because I am 43 and haven't dated in 20 years. Will I ever know this love I long for? Most of the time I think so, but sometimes I just don't know."

i dont want to sound cliche here, but i firmly believe love is out there for everyone. personally i dont think i was emotionally available to a healthy, loving relationship, before my BPD experience. i have a lot of faith that the same is true of you. it takes work and processing. reading between the lines, i am guessing you believed you had found this love, even if you were unhappy in your marriage, and now because of her actions you feel unloveable or less loveable. this couldnt be further from the truth, but its an understandable feeling coming out of a twenty year relationship, and for that matter, of this nature. let yourself grieve, twanda2020. how she is processing this is irrelevant and not a reflection on you  .