Emergency situation with BPD mother, please advice

[MOJE]

My mother, 75, lives in Sweden. My brother, 46, lives in Sweden. I'm from Sweden but live in Los Angeles. My mother is severely borderline/narcissistic and my brother has similar traits. My brother's father passed away and he brought my mother and his daughter to the funeral, 5 hours away from their town. This morning I woke up with an e-mail from my brother telling me that my mother had started to fight with the priest, his father's girlfriend and behaved terrible at the funeral. My brother tried reason with her but she ran out from the church and made a scene. My brother, who also is very volatile, lost it with her and the two of them started to fight. After the funeral on the way home they had stopped at a gas station and the fight escalated to the point where my brother got physical with my mother and threw her against a tree. My niece became hysterical and called her mother (whom I've been in contact with all day). My bother left my mother behind (the car belongs to my mother) and proceeded to take the train back home. He told me he tried to protect his daughter from her although he should've gotten a hold of himself in front of her. My niece is now traumatized. My mother drove back home alone in the dark and rain. I called my mother several times during the day since I'm very worried about her. She picked up a couple of times and was hysterical saying she almost had an accident and that everything was a nightmare. I'm still waiting for her to call me and let me know that she's OK. My brother is back and my niece back with her mother. The whole day has been very traumatic for me. I have been and am very worried about my mother.  I know how she is and understand how my brother lost his temper with her although the only victim is my niece who has developed OCD which I also suffered from as a child. I was recently diagnosed with severe PTSD and have been worried that I have similar traits but my psychiatrist told me I don't and after asking friends they don't see the same behavior in me. I have been taking responsibility for a lot and this situation has again made me feel like I need to fix and save and help my mother. I have tried saving and helping her all my life but she just keep getting worse. I don't know how to disengage with this insane mess and am scared that something terrible is going to happen, either with my brother or mother or both. I don't know if they can pull themselves though this and I feel helpless being on the other side of the world. I need some tools to handle my mother since I know that I will receive a phone call from her needing to ease her burden of emotions on me, which I am in no way equipped to carry. I am finally at a place in my life where I am ready to be happy and learn how to love myself and don't want to cut contact with my mother because I couldn't handle the guilt but I'm also afraid of her. I'm afraid of he darkness and the tragedy she keeps recreating. I haven't heard from her yet that she is home and safe and I'm going to pieces. I don't know what to do. Please advice. Thank you.

[Leaving]

Moje,

I understand this is a horrible situation for you.  If you were there, what would you do to remedy the situation?  Do you believe that you would be of any benefit to them? 

When I've been in similar situations, I always ask myself those questions and if I find that I'm feeling a need to mediate in a dysfunctional relationship, I don't participate ( not anymore).  Family drama doesn't mean that it should involve the entire family.  Your brother and your mother are adult individuals that create their own mess and they need to be fully accountable for either seeking help on their own or choosing to continue as they are. 

It sounds like you have enough on your plate trying to care for yourself.  You're not responsible for your brother or your mother or their behavior and while I have empathy for your niece and that the poor child must witness this nonsense, I can't see where there is anything you can do to help matters except speak to your niece in a supportive way and reassure her that she can call you to talk anytime. 

This is destructive and unnecessary drama that is rooted in other people's repressed emotions that you are not responsible for.  I would stay out of it.  You have your own life and your own obligations and responsibilities now.

[Glenna]

Dear MOJE,

I second Leaving's advice. My mother was a drama queen and major victim and frequently put me and my brothers into 'crises.' Several times she was sure she was dying but would not allow anyone to call for help. I and one brother always got upset. Another brother used to pretty much ignore these dramas. She lived another 20 years after this period. She also had extended fits about all kinds of things. I wish I'd stayed out of them all and just let her do solos. I think she basically thrived on them, while my brothers and I were drained. As an older person now, I can understand that there can be various inner issues such as depression, regret, fear that can cause an older person to feel and behave pretty badly, but the most important thing to remember is that there is probably little you could/can do to help. And once one is pulled in to psycho-dramas, one deteriorates mentally. If you stay out of it and take care of yourself you will be better equipped to give some support over the phone, etc. if it is ever requested or required. A sane person in a family is its best asset. But one must take car of oneself to stay sane.

Good luck,

Glenna

[Leaving]

Dear MOJE,

I second Leaving's advice. My mother was a drama queen and major victim and frequently put me and my brothers into 'crises.' Several times she was sure she was dying but would not allow anyone to call for help. I and one brother always got upset. Another brother used to pretty much ignore these dramas. She lived another 20 years after this period. She also had extended fits about all kinds of things. I wish I'd stayed out of them all and just let her do solos. I think she basically thrived on them, while my brothers and I were drained. As an older person now, I can understand that there can be various inner issues such as depression, regret, fear that can cause an older person to feel and behave pretty badly, but the most important thing to remember is that there is probably little you could/can do to help. And once one is pulled in to psycho-dramas, one deteriorates mentally. If you stay out of it and take care of yourself you will be better equipped to give some support over the phone, etc. if it is ever requested or required. A sane person in a family is its best asset. But one must take car of oneself to stay sane.

Good luck,

Glenna

Glenna, We have the same mother! 

[Glenna]

Dear Leaving,

I would have never thought there could be two of them!

[Panda39]

Hi MOJE

Welcome to the BPD Family 

I'm with Glenna and Leaving none of the blow up between your mom and brother is yours to fix it is between them.  I see a couple of things in your post one is FOG (Fear Obligation & Guilt) on your part making you want fix this and I see triangulation because both your mother and brother are trying to drag you into this issue.

Below is some information on FOG that you might find helpful... .

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

Below is some information on Triangulation... .

Triangulation

When two people are in some conflict and one enlists or aligns with a third party to support their position.  Triangulation, as coined by Murray Bowen MD is the “process whereby a two-party relationship that is experiencing great intensity will naturally involve a third party to reduce anxiety” (Bobes & Rothman, 2002).

This unhealthy dynamic commonly happens in family, close friendship, or organizations.  Who or what is right is determined more by the pairing than the issues.

The concept was originated by Bowen in his study of family systems: www.thebowencenter.org/pages/concepttri.html

Karpman triangle

The Karpman Triangle, described by Stephen Karpman is a very useful tool for understanding "stuck" relationship dynamics. The roles are Persecutor, Victim, and Rescuer. We may start in one position, but as another (or others) shift around the triangle, so do we.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

Can you see yourself in the triangle?  Can you remove yourself?  Can you tell them that your sorry about what happened but they really need to work it out together once they cool off?

I also wanted to point out the "Lessons" links in box to the right you might also find helpful-------------------------------->

Take Care,

Panda39