Whether to stay or leave?

[Cruise2serv]

I just found out that my wife has gone through all the proceeds from the sale of our house in one year and taken on significant debt.  I am connecting the dots with this and earlier financial distress.  A therapist that I was seeing a couple of years ago had suggested that my wife might be BPD but I gave her the benefit of the doubt (or repressed his diagnosis) and kept with the marriage.  We have a teenage son so it was important for me to stay in.  But now the destructive behaviors continue and the symptoms on this website match her behavior. I am wondering if now is the time to leave the relationship?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JQ]

Cruise,

Welcome to the group ... .your circumstances are not much different then a lot of us here. All though most exhibit a lot of the same behavioral characteristics, no two people whether they are BPD or NONs, or anyone else for that matter are different. What works for one person might not work for the next 1000 people, we can only tell you what has and has not worked for us. We can only share our experiences so that you can compare them to your own.

I'm sorry that you've lost the proceeds to your house ... .I hope that you have at least something to show for it such as furniture or a patio. I found your comment, "A therapist that I was seeing a couple of years ago had suggested that my wife might be BPD but I gave her the benefit of the doubt (or repressed his diagnosis)".  If you have repressed it imagine what it would be like to be told that you are the one that has BPD and to find out that it's probably going to take years of on again, off again therapy with more then one therapist to TRY and live a semi normal life. It's a daunting thought ... .I've tried to put myself in my exBPDgf place and I've asked her to put herself in my place at times. When she says or does something that is out of bounds or pushes the limits that affects me I ask her how would you feel if you were me and I did or said that to you? She says I would probably feel like you do in a embarrassed/subtle tone in her voice. I know she wants to learn, she has told me as much. I think she is ... .but I know I can't fix it, I can't Cure it ... .a lot of professionals stop seeing BPDs because of the drain they have on them so I know I have no illusions that by talking to me I"m going to Cure it.

If she is BPD, you have  a lot to learn in the world of  BPD. Know the 3 C's, YOU didn't Cause it! YOU can't Control it! YOU can't Cure it!  Read all that you can about BPD, there are references to the right and on top. There are books at the local library that you can check out and learn from. Then there is this sight where you won't be judge for what you're feeling or what you think because those here are or have been in your place. In the process of learning about BPD you will possibly learn more about yourself ... . I know I have. I learned that my latest exgf isn't my first one with BPD. It's only "recently" that my ex told me she had BPD and i dove into this world. I learned that my first "real" girlfriend at the age of 22 was BPD and I chose to leave because I wasn't educated about BPD or what it would demand of my life & soul. No matter how good the sex was at that age it wasn't worth the constant pain I was subject to on several different aspects of the relationship. I've learned that my mother is BPD & her partner is a codependent. I learned that my younger sister is a BPD & her husband is a codependent. I learned that both codependents and those with BPD have behaviors that they learned as children to survive one way or the other. Now just north of 50, two exwifes, & most likely in my second relationship with my exBPDgf I am learning all that I can about her, her condition, her behavior or the lack there of and I'm learning all I can about myself, about my behavior. It's certainly not easy to stay ... .and just as hard to go. It isn't a easy choice either way. Know if you stay with your BPD life will not be full of rainbows and pink unicorns. There will be good times, great times, and not so good times and not so great times.

Only you can decide to stay or go, no one here will tell you how to proceed. There are so many factors involved that you haven't shared nor am I asking. Know if you stay that life with her will not be easy by any measure. Know that she develop this behavioral illness as a result of trying to survive some sort of childhood trauma ... .the more you read the more you'll hear that someone with BPD acts and behaves very much like that of a 3 year old at times. Their behavior at times will defy logic ... .like that of a 3 year old. I would suggest you find someone who has a 3 year old and spend an afternoon with them ... .their reason for doing something makes since to them but baffles the NON. I learned a lot by spending time with a friend who had a 3 year old. Like a 3 year old who doesn't want to hear something, they will put their hands over their ears and yell nanannananana I can't hear you!   You'll need to learn about boundaries ... .how to set them and more importantly how to stick to them and enforce consequences if those boundaries are breached.

Staying or going is not a simple yes or no answer in a normal relationship ... .and there will NEVER be anything NORMAL about a relationship with a BPD. Please read & learn all that you can about BPD ... .learn about yourself ... .continue talking with your therapist regardless of what you decide.

come back as often as needed to vent, throw out ideas, read from others experiences and know that no one here judges you ... .we've are or have been where you are and know what your going through.

JQ

[HappyNihilist]

Hi Cruise2serv, I'm glad you found BPD Family. It helps to talk.

You've just found out your wife has spent a lot of money and taken on a lot of debt. This is very stressful and jarring to learn. 

How long have you and your wife been married? What particular behaviors of hers are causing the most distress?

She sounds like she is very impulsive with money and financially irresponsible. Is she impulsive in other ways?

Impulsivity is common in people with BPD (pwBPD). This article provides more information on BPD symptoms - The Symptoms and Diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder

No one here can diagnose your wife, of course. No one but you can decide if it's time to leave the relationship or stay.

It's hard to make such big decisions while you're still reeling from what you've learned and connecting the dots. It might help to post your story, read a few of the lessons here, and give yourself some time to process. Choosing a path for you, your wife, and your marriage is an important decision. You may find some helpful information in this short article - Choosing a Path

What about the marriage do you feel is working? What do you feel isn't?

Again, welcome to the boards. We're here to help. 

[livednlearned]

I wanted to join HappyNihilist in welcoming you to the site, Cruise2serv.

How devastating to discover that your finances are depleted and learn that you have significant debt. Have you had a conversation with your wife about what happened and discussed how you will manage the problem now that you've discovered it?

It sounds like you have done some reading about BPD and learned more about the behaviors, and see how they are similar to the way your wife behaves. Have you had a chance to look at some of the different tools and workshops on the site? There is a lot to take in, it can be hard to know where to start.

We have a section called Understanding Your Role in the Relationship -- this section provides both relief and challenges. Relief that there are things you can do, and challenges because change is hard.

What are some of the behaviors that you're working with at the moment? Are there others besides the financial problems?

I'm glad you found the site. There are many others like you who are in the same situation and know what you're experiencing. I hope you'll let us know how you're doing and share more when you feel comfortable.



LnL