Want to make this stop, I have children ~

[Cannotgiveup]

I am married to someone who I believe has BPd. A good friend who has known both of us for the duration of the relation and who is also a clinical psychologist helped me identify this after seeing and hearing the symptoms. After reading about this disorder for the past few days I have sadly realized we are a textbook definition of BPd sufferer and a codependent. This realization is devastating. I have two young kids and my husband is as far as one can be from recognizing he has any issues and definitely will not seek treatment. His moods have patterns and we are currently in the midst of a storm which by the time it ends will destroy many lives. I love him dearly and feel destroyed that after 15 years of doing things, changing immensely, making sacrifices, my family is breaking for problems (he thinks I am cheating and sexually and emotionally involved with any man that crosses my path) that are imaginary. I tried logic, living in a manner that was isolating to me, thinking that by doing this, it would ease his anxiety and not trigger suspicions for the entirety of our marriage. But nothing has helped and I am exhausted. But my heart is breaking for my children who love him dearly.

Please guide.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Atlasdespair]

Dear @Cannotgiveup,

I really feel sorry for what you're experiencing and I really share your pain. I've been living the same thing with an american woman (i'm french) who will soon delivers our first baby... .Since we know each other she always developed intense imaginary jealousy crisis towards the mother of my first child though at the same time, she wanted me to be friend with her ex. She's always been struggling with her "intense emotions" and would always accuse me of triggering her pain and that I would never understand her whatever I could do. Whatever I could reproach her, she would reproach it back to me... .It was always cycles of up and down, but after 3 years of exhaustion and some hypothyroidism probably increased by all the stress I've been through, I decided to see a therapist who evoked BPD patterns and after a few readings, it seems obvious that this is what we're experiencing. Her ex confirmed that he had similar thoughts when they were together. And a couple weeks ago, after a new argument, she punched me several times in the face with her fists, like if she wanted to kill me... .I escaped back to France, traumatized and shocked, and I don't know what to do anymore and overall, don't know how I could assist to the delivery now and it breaks my heart... .Anyway, all of this to say, you're not alone, and we still have to stay positive and strong. We need help too to deal with all of this and I would advice for you to see a therapist on your own if your husband doesn't want to hear about a couple therapy. Sending all my hope and positive wishes + + +

[babyducks]

Hi Cannotgiveup,

Welcome to the BPD family.  (welcome to you too Atlasdespair)

All of us here understand exactly what you mean because we have lived it too.   You have come to a good place to get support, and understanding for you.   

The place to start is the box that runs down the right hand side of the page called Working on a BPD Relationship,  those are all links, which will lead to other links.   There is a tremendous amount of information attached to those links.

Most of us arrive here exhausted and broken, I know I did.  With time and effort I have gotten better and my relationship has gotten better.

In addition to the Links to the Lessons on the right  I am going to suggest you return here, to read and post.  There is a lot of value in writing your thoughts out, just organizing them to put them on the screen can be helpful.

Tell us as much of your story as you feel comfortable sharing.   Even if your husband won't seek treatment we can offer you tools and skills that will help you.

I'm glad you found us.

'ducks

[an0ught]

Welcome Cannotgiveup,

I tried logic, living in a manner that was isolating to me, thinking that by doing this, it would ease his anxiety and not trigger suspicions for the entirety of our marriage. But nothing has helped and I am exhausted. But my heart is breaking for my children who love him dearly.

adapting to his whims won't help as it just proves that you are guilty. It can be exhausting to deal with all the demands we are facing.

It is good that you have now a starting idea what you are dealing with. A gentle slope learning process would be looking into

- learning about validation and building skills in that direction. How we say what we say can make a huge difference.

- learning about invalidation and JADE. These are mostly avoidable triggers and the sort of triggers we should avoid (other triggers we don't care so much as they don't have long term consequences)

and then in a few weeks when you feel stronger

- boundaries - making sure your limits are respects. Discussing things on the board will help you to take stands where it matters while limiting the fallout.

,

a0