After leaving your BPD, how do you view sex?

[iwantnormal]

We didn't have much time together in person at all. But the little time we did spend together, the sex was honestly out of this world. I just can't believe how amazing it was. I don't know if this is immature of me, but my fear is that I'll never find someone who has that inner desire to get to that kind of level. Of course, the sex was never worth the emotional turmoil. But it's included in the positive column of my relationship with her, when looking back of course.

I understand, having sex with someone is different from making love. And love should be based on mutual respect, and can feel different. But even if you love someone, I just have that fear the passion won't be the same. I want it to be what I had with her, but even more passionate. Should I stop thinking this way?

[HappyNihilist]

  Hi there, iwantnormal, and welcome.

Sex is an important part of any intimate relationship, and it's natural to have concerns and fears about that aspect. pwBPD can be hypersexual and impulsive, and the intensity of the relationship can certainly make the sex also feel intense.

I think it's important to focus on what you're saying here -

Of course, the sex was never worth the emotional turmoil.

We can't sacrifice our emotional well-being for things like great sex. Authentic intimacy comes from relationships that are not needs-based or emotionally tumultuous. And with authentic intimacy comes true passion, openness, and the freedom to explore together.

You may find the information in this article helpful - it explores this topic in more depth: Sexual Addiction: When the Sex is Too Important to Us

You sound like you have an idea of what love means to you. I think this is worth exploring. What does a happy, loving relationship look like for you?

Again, welcome to BPD Family. We're here to support each other - it helps to talk.

[poedameron]

Our sex was insane... .we had it 5-7 times per day... .did all kinds of risky things like sex in a public restroom... .on the beach... at a dance club, etc... .she was like a pornstar... .at least for the first half of the relationship.  I never thought I'd do those things but she made me want to... .and she had an amazing tight body and knew how to work those looks... .oh boy.

At the same time, she would often close her eyes and never look at me during sex... .and when she would get close to climax, she would have to stop and literately jump off of me and tell me it was getting too intense... .like almost every time.  That was very weird and trying to talk about that stuff just made her angry and pull away from me sexually... ."oh you don't like it now?  fine then you won't get it EVER!". 

When she came here to live with me, I drove her across the country from Vegas... .on our last night at the hotel... .she gets in a fight with me because I didn't want to watch Scandal with her... .yeah.  So she packs her stuff up and gets in her car and starts driving back to Vegas and says she can't do this!  30 min later she calls me and comes back and asks me to make love to her.  I do and it was like making love to a doll... .a bottomless void.

I knew I was in trouble but I couldn't pull away.  What a mistake.

Yeah she went from pornstar to dead fish almost overnight... .she even said stuff like "I'm tired of having to please you sexually". 

[Michelle27]

When I first met my stbxh when I was 30 years old, the sex was the best I'd ever had.  I said for years that we just "fit" together perfectly.  Things were good for about 5 years until we got married and of course, that level of enmeshment began the devaluing, emotional abuse and more.  I started shutting down sexually because of all the walls up I had to have to protect myself.  What I now realize is that the good years were only good because of the mirroring going on. Essentially, I was having sex with myself. LOL 

Working through all of the healing I needed to do and moving forward in a healthy relationship with a non, I now know what it's like to truly connect with another person in that way.  Connecting emotionally is so different than just porn star sex that feels physically good but isn't emotionally good. 

[balletomane]

My BPD ex was my first sexual partner so I don't have anything to compare it with. At first it was nice, but nothing mind-blowing, and I valued it more for the emotional closeness it brought than for the physical sensation. Towards the end of the relationship I started to feel like an object he was using for his own gratification - he did nothing that I enjoyed unless I asked (and then he did so with an air of obligation that made me soon stop asking). I am a pretty reserved person and I doubt I would enjoy sex unless I had a strong and pre-existing emotional connection with a partner, which means now I'm wary of it - being that intimate with someone and then feeling used and discarded by them was a horrible sensation for me and one I don't want to repeat. I can't imagine myself trusting anyone enough in the future, but maybe that will change.

[HappyNihilist]

I valued it more for the emotional closeness it brought than for the physical sensation.  

balletomane, this really stood out to me. This sounds like a personal value of what about sex is most important to you. It's great that you recognize this value of yours. Once we realize what our personal core values are, then we can figure out how to build a life and relationships that fulfill those.

Hold on to things like this. You know what you need for yourself.  

Towards the end of the relationship I started to feel like an object he was using for his own gratification  

 Feeling objectified, especially by someone we love so much and have shared so much with, is devastating.

The truth is that - him objectifying you in these ways says more about him than it does about you.

He is capable of consistently doing that to a partner to such an extent, and you are not.

now I'm wary of it - being that intimate with someone and then feeling used and discarded by them was a horrible sensation for me and one I don't want to repeat. I can't imagine myself trusting anyone enough in the future, but maybe that will change.

It must have been a horrible sensation.  It's only natural to be wary and to worry. You feeling overly cautious and not being able to imagine trusting so deeply again - that's your psyche's natural way of protecting you after you've been so deeply wounded. It will definitely change, as long as you continue to take inventory of yourself and what the relationship was to you. But don't worry about it being permanent - try to refocus by using this time to just be with yourself. Give yourself space to heal.

that level of enmeshment began the devaluing, emotional abuse and more.  

This is the reality of what the natural byproduct of enmeshment is. The level of emotional intensity never really changes, but the focus of that intensity fluctuates. For a while it's sex and fast-track bonding - then comes the equally intense devaluation and push.

Connecting emotionally is so different than just porn star sex that feels physically good but isn't emotionally good.  

Congrats on your healthy relationship, btw! You've come a long way.  

[hurting300]

She did anything I wanted. Whenever I wanted. But, my non-disordered current girlfriend is learning so... .Hahaha

[myself]

The emotional connection many of us felt may have been perhaps the main reason we thought the sex was so good. For me, being in love made it way better than just sleeping with someone to sleep with someone. The sense of intimacy is what I remember most, and what I'd look for in a future partner. That the (likely BPD) woman I was with had such problems with that within herself, not being able to process it in healthy ways, probably comes from when she was abused as a child (which statistically many pwBPD were). Some of the "fantastic sex" was a form of acting out, of being in survival mode. Fear Obligation Guilt. And as some have said here, the pwBPD wasn't really into it, and did whatever they could to get away as soon as possible (including going off to repeat the patterns over and over again with others). Sex used as a tool, a weapon, an excuse, doesn't seem the "best" to me.

[Corgicuddler95]

Me and my exBPDgf were both our first so it was typically clumsy and amateur. We also both has "problems" which combined with her depression and it becoming temporarily Long Distance meant we never really got out of that phase and didn't have proper sex for months. I think this contributed to the break up and/or me being put in the black because she found it wierd whenever I tried to initiate anything (she never really did any way) and started seeing me more platonically (I'm still really attracted to her and considering all the kissing and cuddling and saying we loved each other I never saw it as platonic).

Still making her orgasm and how high she would act after that is probably the greatest experience in my life.

[Herodias]

I'm all sexed out... . It was great for a long time. The emotional attachment made it all the better. As he started to have little affairs, I began to lose the feeling. He did not understand this. It became just a bore to both of us at the end, when he got more and more addicted to porn. I am sorry, but those women are paid to do some of that stuff and I am not willing to ruin my body for his pleasure, particularly when he was making me feel like an object. He even bought this ridiculous "doll" without legs and arms, made of silicone. He would use that at night when I was sleeping! He abused it so much it caved in between the two holes he had options to use (if you know what I mean). It's ridiculous... .I am still confused if he has some bisexual tendancies as well. There were some situations that came up that I questioned it, but nothing concrete. He used to tell me that he was attracted to Mark Wahlberg. Then he would say he wasn't gay. Sometimes I think he was just jealous of other mens bodies. Hard to say. As soon as I knew he actually cheated on me, I could not feel the same anymore. He ruined it and he seemed to know it. Then he kept thinking I was the one that was different. He couldn't understand that since he was with someone else, he was feeling things in a different way. My body had not changed. He actually thought I had sex with someone else and said that I felt different to him! We got together two times after our separation, just because I wanted to show him we did always have it good. It was great and then I got an infection- luckily that was all it was! Still was a stupid thing to do, really.  I admit wanting to see if he would "cheat" on his gf-he did!  Somehow he convinced himself we weren't having sex anymore.- which he must be telling people, which I reminded him- I never said no to him except for 3 times when he was so drunk, it wasn't even going to work. I wonder if the new gf is letting him do all the weird sex he was into- maybe. She is young, but her husband is a very manly man and I can't imagine he would be into all that weird stuff mine is into . I sometimes think somehow, we all think it means they love us just as they think it's about love as well. To me, sex is sex and can be had with anyone... .Making love is different, but it is all in our heads really. For the first time in my life, I could care less about sex and sure, when I meet the right person I will be happy to share. But for now, it was just another area where I feel used and abused and my body needs to recover. Oddly, if I initiated it, like he wanted me to, he would say no.