Is it Wrong to Be Angry at the Replacement Too?

[Pretty Woman]

I know it takes two to tango (in my case there was probably at least four more people she was trying to re-engage/engage while dating me the past three years). I guess I'm pissed because the replacement was a new girl in the meetup group I run. I thought she was going to be our friend, heck I even made her a coordinator (my group has 500 members). One night we went for drinks and she was like: "So Pretty Woman, what's the story with you and _________?"   We started talking relationships and she told me she was still in therapy over her ex who cheated on her and was now in a relationship. I thought this was a recent ex... .turns out they actually split in 2007.

I mistakenly confided in her about our rocky relationship and that my ex cheated several times.

This chick is now my replacement.

My ex coldly cut me off and acts like I never existed.

The real funny thing... .this girls ex and her new girlfriend are now hanging out with my ex and her new girlfriend ALL THE TIME. I find that strange, maybe that's just me. I don't see that boding well for my ex's jealousy issues.

I strongly feel my replacement is a snake and lets be honest, my ex would have left me for anyone who even glanced her way. I know I am better off without my ex. I've been busy and just bought some new furniture... .really getting my home and life back in order and it feels so long overdue... .

Things aren't bad for me... .

Still as vengeful as I know it sounds, I want this chick to get hers  .  I hope it lasts very long (their union)... .the longer the better for me... .and the longer the more painful when it tanks.

Next week they are going to a concert we were all supposed to go to. I actually invited this girl. The band sings a song I used to sing to my ex... .it was going to be our wedding song.

My ex contacted my friend who purchased our tickets and got hers for her and the new GF. I ended up selling mine... .going as a date to a friend's wedding. I have actively been avoiding anywhere I might run into them.

It stuff like that which floors me. The no empathy nor consideration. MY FAVORITE band, MY idea to go. She wants me to be happy she's "in love". She can't understand why I am such a B as we were "only friends" in her opinion. Yeah friends buy a dog together and make wedding plans and promises. She can so bite me. Disordered or not... .it's so cruel.

Sorry, just venting but yes... .today I wish for Karma. Maybe tomorrow that will change. Maybe this new GF is disordered too, who knows? She seems manipulative and sneaky... .that's for sure! So today... .yes Karma but I hope I get to a place soon where I don't give a flying F.

PW

[Mutt]

Hi Pretty Woman,

I'm sorry to hear that. I can understand feeling angry at your ex and her gf when your ex contacted your friend to get concert tickets to a band that played a song that you wanted to play at your wedding with your ex. I can see how it shows little empathy or consideration to you. I would feel hurt too.

[Pretty Woman]

Thanks, Mutt. I guess I'm just a bit stuck in this anger stage. At least I'm not sad anymore. . Anger has motivated me to clean my house up and make things the way I wanted them. Everything fell apart during this relationship. It's nice to be motivated again!

[Mutt]

Thanks, Mutt. I guess I'm just a bit stuck in this anger stage. At least I'm not sad anymore. . Anger has motivated me to clean my house up and make things the way I wanted them. Everything fell apart during this relationship. It's nice to be motivated again!

You're welcome Pretty Woman I can understand feeling angry at the replacement. I felt angry at mine because he broke up my home and my wife was responsible as well. I was angry for awhile at him and I didn't want to feel resentment. I chose to leave it to karma, he made his choice and I don't think that the man understands my wife is undiagnosed and she's not in therapy. I also understand, wanting to get back, I don't think that I could do anything worst than what BPD can to him from first hand experience. A radical act is to do nothing.  It's good to hear that you're motivated, it sounds like you're healing.

[balletomane]

Hi Pretty Woman, I can relate to some of what you write. My replacement is my ex's flatmate. They met when they started the same university course and after a year they decided to share an apartment, together with one other classmate. As I was visiting often, I got to know both flatmates quite well, especially the girl who was to become my replacement.

A couple of weeks before the pair of them became a couple, she bumped into me in the town centre as we were both on our way to get lunch and invited me to eat with her. During the lunch, she started asking me questions about what my relationship with my ex had been like and why we had broken up. The breakup happened before she knew him very well. ":)o you think you'll get back together? I'm always trying to matchmake between you two. I like to fix what's broken," were among the things she said.

I am sometimes angry with her for this, because now it's clear that she wasn't asking out of any urge to help us get back together - she wanted to know if the way was clear for her and she was probably too nervous to ask openly. She apparently didn't realise how painful the subject might be to me, especially when the pretense came out. If she had been honest it would have been much less upsetting for me two weeks later when my ex arranged to meet me and said without preamble, "I have some news that will alarm you. X and I have got together." But I can't be too unhappy with her, partly because she didn't owe me the truth in the way that he owed it to me (she wasn't the one who had been sleeping with me only the previous week and telling me I was the most precious person she had, for a start) and mostly because I know she was under the impression that our relationship had ended a year ago and we'd been just friends ever since. I suspect that my ex had been heavily downplaying his involvement with me throughout the time they lived together, and her behaviour might have been different had she known the truth.

I couldn't tell her that he and I were still romantically involved in spite of being technically broken up. It was messy and it was painful and I knew he didn't want people to know (now I wonder why that was - so he could seem available, perhaps?). I already knew he'd lied to her about it: several months ago she'd asked how come we could stay in the same bed when I visited without anything happening, and he told her that it wasn't difficult, we were completely platonic. I felt wary of giving his flatmates information that he hadn't given them himself, even info that concerned me. I thought I was respecting his privacy. (I wish he'd given half as much thought to respecting my dignity.) I didn't want to discuss my personal stuff with her over lunch, because while she has always seemed to be like a nice sincere person, this was all too raw and sore for me to be talking about with even my closest friends. So I just said something evasive. I told her that I still loved him but I doubted we would become a couple again, and that the situation was complicated.

As I say, two or three weeks later they were together.

In the early stages of my grief I had fleeting angry thoughts about telling her the truth. I even deliberately hung out in places that I know she visits fairly often in the hope of bumping into her. I was pretty sure she'd ask me how I was, maybe even invite me over (when my ex told me about her he said she was hoping I would still visit as "she likes you", and if she had I would have told her exactly what had been going on. But after a few weeks of this I stopped. It wouldn't have made anything better for me, and unfortunately for her I think she's going to find out the hard way what he can be like. I gradually became afraid of meeting them and started to avoid places where I was likely to find them.

Like you I do sometimes hope for karma, partly because that would be definitive proof for me that what he did to me wasn't my fault (she really is a nice person and if things go wrong with her then it's definitely on him) and partly because I want him to understand how he made me feel. Unfortunately I don't think he's capable of registering that. If things went badly with her he'd probably just do his "woe is me, the world is against me" routine that he falls into with every single breakup he's ever had. Everyone is manipulating him, everyone is abusing him, everyone has something wrong with them except him. However, then I remember something else that you also wrote - he would date anyone who showed him some affection and interest. She doesn't know that. She will probably be devastated when the fall-out comes and as hurt as I was that she pretended to be keen for us to reunite when she must have been hoping for the exact opposite, I don't wish that realisation on anyone. I feel more sorry for her than anything.

[range4days]

I understand how you feel by wanting "Karma". I want it all the time, too. I want my replacement to DUMP my ex the way he did to me and I want him to feel the hurt and then realize "Oh my GOD I cannot believe I did this to him (me) and I lost him"... .then I want my ex to come crawling back to me and for me to say "sorry... .you need help"

Whether or not this happens, I DO know that my ex, like yours is flawed and they are incapable of truly ever being happy. They act like it, but they do so many things for attention and perception. Remember, what is percieved to be true isn't always true.

My ex's replacement met him while we were fully together and came to my HOUSEWARMING party as a guest... .people are SICK but in my opinion, BPD's actually can manipulate people so badly that I actually almost don't blame them... .your time will come when karma will be a b___. I know we have spoken offline and you told me you have been recycled by her and you know what they say about history... .it repeats itself! Give it time and keep doing you PW!

XOXO  

[wavelife]

Hi Pretty Woman,

I feel like I am in the same shoes.  Found myself thinking last week "when does Karma kick in?"

I am still angry with my wife for all she did and I do find myself angry at the replacement at times too.  What kind of man goes after a married woman and even proposes to her?  I mean really?  

As angry as I can be at times, if I look at it logically the guy is a blessing.  I am free and she is his problem now.  He will have his karma one day.  

The part I struggle with is the anger period.  Although I feel 80% healed, I know that as long as I harbor anger to either one of them I have not fully let go of the whole mess.  I will know when the anger is completely gone I am all the way there.  Although the anger is somewhat productive in the fact that is absolutely sets in stone the fact I will not have anything else to do with her.

One day we will both not give a flying f

[Pretty Woman]

Wavelife,

 People with NO boundaries do that (go after married people). Then again, BPD's are really good liars! You don't know what was said about your relationship. We believed them, why wouldn't our replacement?

I remember being on our first date and she asked if I was seeing anyone. I thought that was odd but that's because I haven't dated much and am not really a casual dater.

It never occurred to me to ask her that same question.  Eight months later I found out her previous ex, the stalker, sex addicted prison psychologist... .

was still with her when I met her. This woman had just sold her house and was moving to our state when my ex met me and dumped her cold. She has left three exes in three different states. Clearly my replacement will get what she deserves. I know this deep down.  

Range,

  Problem is what we want and what they are capable of... .

He will never realize what you wrote. He just doesn't think like that.

It's frustrating, it's sad. It truly is grieving something that never really existed.

I have a psychic I go to.  I know not everyone believes in them but I do. She told me this: "I would say your ex is moving on but that's not really what she's doing. She's a child in a windstorm emotionally. It's like she's playing dolls. Once she gets bored with this new one she will be right back again. But she will leave again. Do you know if she is BPD? It feels like that."

If that's not an accurate description I'm not sure what is!

Balletomane,     I have felt the same way. Problem is, no matter what you say to the replacement you look nuts. They love or are infatuated with our exes... and again, we have no idea what was told to them about us.

I thought most of my exes ex's were nuts until I actually met them. I hated the one she cheated on me with. Now I pity this woman. She was being told I was abusive. When she came to visit and we went to a comedy club I thought she was nice... .not overly friendly but nice. I had no idea she was there to see my ex and try to get her out of this "horrible relationship".

[Invictus01]

To be honest, it is a tough one simply because you don't know what info the replacement had to work with. For that matter, chances are you were somebody's replacement and chances are you were told some things that weren't exactly the way they were presented to you. I am fairly certain when the actual replacement happens, the one who is being replaced meets up with the replacement and they compare notes and exchange info that was given to both parties, there would be a whole lot of "No way, he/she said what?" going.

[wavelife]

To be honest, it is a tough one simply because you don't know what info the replacement had to work with. For that matter, chances are you were somebody's replacement and chances are you were told some things that weren't exactly the way they were presented to you. I am fairly certain when the actual replacement happens, the one who is being replaced meets up with the replacement and they compare notes and exchange info that was given to both parties, there would be a whole lot of "No way, he/she said what?" going.

This is very true.  I actually did that at the end of the marriage.  All her ex's were villains and she was always without blame... .red flag!  I contacted one of them and asked for his side of what really happened... .two sides always and I was not surprised to hear the other side.  Funny part is when you're in it you're being loved bombed and are blind.  She has had countless broken relationships and four marriages... .engaged for five now... .only one common factor in all of the failures... .Yep... .HER.  haha  Wish I saw that at the beginning 

[greenmonkey]

one thing you have to remember it takes two at the end of the day.

You have a right to be angry - but if I were you I would concentrate on you and your wellbeing. Set yourself goals and concentrate on your healing. Whatever will be will be - history will repeat itself over and over again - it won't be any different. Time scales might be different but the patterns will repeat.

I know my replacement was finished and done and dusted within months of me getting rid of and evicting her out of my life, replacement no 2 lasted 2-3 months tops, and now she is hunting new victims/supplies on dating sites. The pattern has reared its ugly head - I for one am pleased I dodged the bullet and my life now has calm tranquility and no chaos.

Look forward to your future and don't worry about when and if Karma hits because it will in its own time.

[Pretty Woman]

It's funny... .before the split I threw a huge birthday for my ex. She has no friends (no surprise) so invited my friends that knew her and three of her exes and their partners.

I realize now this was a HUGE trigger. All her supply in one room. People from different states and times... .a few that had been left for others.  Actually two exes sorted out a lie she told them at one point.

Like I said, bad idea... .I wasn't thinking about that... .

but in a NORMAL relationship one wouldn't have to. 

[Pretty Woman]

Thanks, Green Monkey. I'm a tryin... .sometimes I need gentle reminders. 

[enlighten me]

My exgf told me that her marriage was over and she was just waiting for her husband to find somewhere to live so he could move out.

I realise now that it probably wasn't and the first he probably knew about it was when she dumped him. So that makes me the evil replacement. After thinking about this I reckon that the majority of us here are probably the replacement to someone.

Unless like some here the replacement went out of their way to break you up then you have to wonder what the replacement has been told. And some solace for those who's replacement was active in the break up. They will be going through what you had to.

[Invictus01]

My exgf told me that her marriage was over and she was just waiting for her husband to find somewhere to live so he could move out.

I realise now that it probably wasn't and the first he probably knew about it was when she dumped him. So that makes me the evil replacement. After thinking about this I reckon that the majority of us here are probably the replacement to someone.

Unless like some here the replacement went out of their way to break you up then you have to wonder what the replacement has been told. And some solace for those who's replacement was active in the break up. They will be going through what you had to.

I pretty much gave up on trying to figure out what was the truth and what wasn't in everything that I was told. Just like almost everybody else here, my ex's previous guy was so evil that she would never go back to him no matter what, blah blah blah. They broke up a couple of months prior her meeting me because she just got bored and the guy would always put her down. She went out of town for work and realized that she missed her cat more than the guy. Meeting me was the best thing ever because she was happy again. Blah blah blah. Then she told me that her mom thinks that she will end up back together with him. If the guy was that evil, what mother would ever want her daughter end up with such a ass? Anyway, I am sure the next guy heard how much of a controlling ass I was too. And the guy after him... .and the guy after him... .

[balletomane]

I realise now that it probably wasn't and the first he probably knew about it was when she dumped him. So that makes me the evil replacement. After thinking about this I reckon that the majority of us here are probably the replacement to someone.

Unless like some here the replacement went out of their way to break you up then you have to wonder what the replacement has been told.

So true. I replaced a very young woman (age nineteen) whom he had only been dating for a couple of weeks. He broke up with her the week before he got together with me. I ignored this massive red flag. My only consolation is that he didn't know this girl well before they started dating and the shortness of the relationship will hopefully have prevented her from becoming too attached. But I don't doubt he was savage to her and I don't doubt she will have been scared and hurt. He broke up with her because during a Facebook conversation she mentioned going to a bar with a large group of people that included the ex before her, whom she had never previously met. It was a pure coincidence that the ex before her was there, and not a very surprising one considering that they move in the same social circles. But my BPD ex hit the roof. He said this was 'proof' that his new girlfriend had obviously been flirting with the previous ex and was plotting to get him in some way. At the time I recognised this was paranoia and I did try to tell him that he was being irrational, but he wouldn't accept it, he kept repeating that he "just knew". Two years later he was saying that he thought the time was right to talk to some of this girl's friends "to figure out what the hell happened there". I had to bite my tongue to prevent myself from saying, "You went completely paranoid and dumped her for no reason and you probably said a ton of very cruel things, that's what happened." Looking back, I wonder if the fear that his new gf was interested in the ex was really genuine, or if he was more worried that the new gf would hear the ex's side of the story. This particular ex was presented to me as evil incarnate, and while she's not my cup of tea (I know her slightly), I struggled to believe that she was as awful as all that, so I think this second option is more likely... .which would also explain why my ex never wanted me to have much contact with the woman who would become my own replacement, even though she was interested in being friends. He kept saying that he didn't want us "gossiping about him".

[Agent_of_Chaos]

I think in regards to most replacements they don't get the full story. My ex painted a picture that in all of her previous relationships she had been abused, cheated on, belittled etc. It fueled my fire to give her a relationship she's never had. I wanted it to be fairy tail themed. I showered her in support, made sure to let her know how loved she was.

She left me out of the blue. I can only imagine what she's told my replacements about me. My point is, your exes current gf sounds scandalous, but I'm sure she never got the full story.

[Herodias]

Yes, when I found out mine had a gf(she was 19, he was 25), I stopped seeing him. Then a few months later ran into him and they were done. He was actually still trying to get her back. I was in a situation where I could go confront her and asked if they were really done and let her know, we were now dating. I felt this was all making it all clear on all sides. How dumb was I to even take him back! I was 42 and he was 26... .kinda crazy, I know. He cheated on me through out the whole r/s and he recycled two of them at the end. He is now with one of the recycles(she is 26 and he is now 34). They have been together at least 6 months- just in time for the mask to start to slip! The only thing I can figure out is that she is putty in his narcissistic hands. They don't spend as much time together because of their work schedules. I figure all the more easier for him to cheat on her! Am I mad at her, yes- she cheated on her husband to be with mine. Do I feel sorry for her... .not at all. She asked for it... .if she wasn't a cheater herself,  I may feel differently. (These age differences he tries are odd too... .I guess I was more like the parent, I actually am like both his parents as he is like mine. That's the attraction I have found out.)

[blissful_camper]

I can understand why you'd feel anger for your replacement. Particularly when your replacement fished for information about your relationship directly from you.  (That's a boundary-buster.)

I actually think that was the primary reason that I was angry at my replacement.  But when I really thought about what she was getting herself into, I felt sorry for her.  I knew her.  She had fished from me too. I had some idea what she wanted from an r/s and that it was highly unlikely that her r/s with my ex could be sustained. They parted ways and he quickly replaced her as well. 

It's a cycle... .

[shatra]

PW wrote---

She wants me to be happy she's "in love". She can't understand why I am such a B as we were "only friends" in her opinion.

-----That's irrational of her, to think that you'd actually want her to "be happy" with a replacement, when she's not with you!

-----If she is saying you and she were "only friends" it could be that it's a common BPD trait---they "downplay" the connection with the ex, because if they really allowed themselves to see and feel how close the connection was, then losing it would hurt more.  So as a defense against pain, they downplay it into "just friends" or even "just casual dating" etc.

Balletomane---are you sure your ex didn't "put the replacement up to" fishing for info from you about whether you were still with him and whether you still cared? Or did she do the fishing on her own?

[enlighten me]

With reference to the original question. I have just found out my ex has split up with my replacement. Whether she has someone else lined up I don't know. How can I be mad at someone who is now probably going through what I did a year and a half ago? Would anyone wish that on anyone?

[Herodias]

With reference to the original question. I have just found out my ex has split up with my replacement. Whether she has someone else lined up I don't know. How can I be mad at someone who is now probably going through what I did a year and a half ago? Would anyone wish that on anyone?

Like you said earlier... .It depends on the situation. Mine cheated on her husband with mine... .so, yes, she should get a big dose of it. I don't believe in marital cheating at all! If the people aren't married and didn't know what they got into, I suppose I would give them more slack.

P.S. She just posted that she is feeling queazy and her friends are jokingly asking if she is pregnant! On FACEBOOK to the public! That should sit well with him and his parents, due to the fact that neither of them are divorced yet and that's how he and I ended up married! He lied and told me he was infertile! 

[myself]

Remember that just because you may have heard their new relationship has broken up it doesn't always mean it's over. That's where recycling comes into it. My fiance would announce to me and everyone that we were ":)ONE" and then still come back when she'd settled down emotionally (announcing "He's The Greatest!" and etc.) If any of her exes were keeping an eye on the situation, it must have been a roller coaster ride they probably would've been better off not being on. In the end, it seems less like 'replacing' and more like adding extra ghosts to those they're already running from.

[enlighten me]

Hi Myself

My ex doesn't recycle. She has no problem meeting anyone else. Her last relationship was a strange one due to distance and logistics. I couldn't see it lasting. There have been signs that it wasn't working. They were together for about a year but only posted in a relationship 1 month ago. Seemed a bit odd a bit of pull behaviour. There have been other things as well. Im willing to put a case of beer on the fact that theyre through.