BPD and loss of sexual attraction?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've been thinking recently about how a lack of sexual desire contributed to the break up of my 2 year relationship a couple of months ago. We were both each other's first sexual experience and explored naturally for the first two months but due to it becoming long distance for over a year and her depression this had to take a back seat. When we went abroad earlier this year she was not in the mood and she has since said that she finds sexual intimacy between us awkward.

Of course I'm still super attracted to her and she has claimed she only finds fantasies attractive (celebrities and fictional characters etc) but she blamed this on her BPD. While she sited reasons such as a desire to just "be single for a while" for the reason for why she broke up with me, I can't help but think this loss of desire with a major, if not the main, factor for the break up. If this a common occurrence in BPD relationships? Could the loss of sexual activity be a reason I may have been put in the 'black' or could the loss of desire be a side effect of being put in the 'black' due to another reason?

[Corgicuddler95]

I've been thinking recently about how a lack of sexual desire contributed to the break up of my 2 year relationship a couple of months ago. We were both each other's first sexual experience and explored naturally for the first two months but due to it becoming long distance for over a year and her depression this had to take a back seat. When we went abroad earlier this year she was not in the mood and she has since said that she finds sexual intimacy between us awkward.

Of course I'm still super attracted to her and she has claimed she only finds fantasies attractive (celebrities and fictional characters etc) but she blamed this on her BPD. While she sited reasons such as a desire to just "be single for a while" for the reason for why she broke up with me, I can't help but think this loss of desire with a major, if not the main, factor for the break up. If this a common occurrence in BPD relationships? Could the loss of sexual activity be a reason I may have been put in the 'black' or could the loss of desire be a side effect of being put in the 'black' due to another reason?

[rotiroti]

Could the loss of sexual activity be a reason I may have been put in the 'black' or could the loss of desire be a side effect of being put in the 'black' due to another reason?

I think it could be for both reasons, but from what I've read on here (and for myself as well) the latter appears to be more common.

[Turkish]

A mis-match sexually could certainly cause problems. I remember before the kids that my Ex got really mad at me twice. The first time was when we visited her office off-hours and she wanted to do it. I thought "gross. People will be sitting in here for a meeting tomorrow." She got really mad. The there time was when she wanted it on the couch by the front door. We had a female roommate. I wasn't rejecting, per se, but when I raised a concern, she got really angry. There was another time in which I did acquiesce, but it was weird, quick, angry (on her side), and dissociative. I never felt we were a match, and BPD aside, it raised issues now and then.

Have you seen this?

US: When is good sex a bad thing? [romantic partners]

[Infern0]

Sexual disfunction is high in these relationships for various reasons

BPD sexual abuse trauma makes it diffficult

fear of intimacy

constant arguing ruins attraction

they may have never been attracted to you and just wanted companionship

In my case most times we had sex it was sordid and risky, fun for a while but sometimes you just want to "make love" and she found that extremely difficult and would rather we did it in a nightclub toilet

oh well

[enlighten me]

It happened in both of my relationships. I don't think it is a cause but more of a symptom. My exgf told me she couldn't sleep with me because she no longer trusted me. It wasn't all her because I was rarely in the mood as well.

I think that this trust issue is the root cause in my cases. Its hard to give yourself completely and intimately to someone you don't trust and in the end I didn't trust either of my exs.

You begin to doubt everything they say and do so it makes sense that you doubt them sexually as well. Are they just going through the motions to shut you up or do they actually want to do it? Are they wanting this for our enjoyment or to fulfil a selfish need?

[Pretty Woman]

It's hard to be sexually attracted to someone who behaves like a three year old.

The sexual attraction died in our relationship pretty much 6mo in. Once the push-pull stuff started and she'd break up with me weeks at a time... .changing or blocking my number, I lost physical interest. I think it was around that time I realized something was very wrong and I wanted to help her... .but should have ran. Our relationship started with her telling me she used to be into BDSM. Sex was almost robotic... .we could not connect emotionally... .there was no "making love" no bonding through sex. Instead I became her surrogate mother. Bought her things, loved her and cleaned her boo boos... .which I probably took that role on from caring for myself all these years (due to poor parenting from my own mother).

I seriously would rather watch a Kardashian marathon than have sex with my ex. It was that bad. Not only that but sex seemed to trigger her lashing out or leaving me. It was easier being Asexual.  Note I said "easier" not better... .at least not for me and the life I desire.

[apollotech]

We were both each other's first sexual experience and explored naturally for the first two months but due to it becoming long distance for over a year and her depression this had to take a back seat. When we went abroad earlier this year she was not in the mood and she has since said that she finds sexual intimacy between us awkward.

Hi Corgicuddler,

I suspect what you ran into was her (intimacy = engulfment) issues. It would have eventually happened, even without the 1-year absence artificially imposed on the relationship.

Since y'all were each other's first, and as you said, were experimenting, everything was "new." Like many long-term sexual encounters, in the beginning, passion and newness usually rule the encounters, not intimacy. When these "new" explorations slow, then the sex can mature into something real, something deeper, intimacy can grow. Herein lies the problem for a pwBPD. Because a pwBPD has problems with regulating his/her emotions, has problems with maintaining an autonomous self, that maturing actually causes the destruction of the relationship. A relationship with a pwBPD never matures out of an infantile stage (read on the Staying Board). Due to the year-long separation, things had slowed, the "new" was gone, intimacy could grow... .which is exactly what she cannot do. Infern0 wrote an example of what I am talking about: sex in a bathroom but no making love anywhere.

PW's post is another example of intimacy destroying a relationship with a pwBPD:

Not only that but sex seemed to trigger her lashing out or leaving me. It was easier being Asexual.

[AnnaBlue917]

I was with this woman for 2.5 years and can count on both hands the times we had sex, notice I didn't say made love. It was awkward and apart from being told to stop, or that's enough I couldn't take it. She told me that sex was a trigger for her. She didn't state this in the beginning of our relationship! We rarely had sex and when we did it was just PLAIN AWFUL!

I ended up mothering her more than anything. I tried hard not too but she always wanted to be cuddled or close but with no sexual stuff. There was no kissing on the mouth either, ever! She felt that this caused to much exchanging of germs. I was ELATED when she said that she didn't want to have SEX because for me I HATED IT and I didn't want to tell her due to fear of hurting her feelings.  Later on she had no problem telling me that she did not feel any connection with me what so ever! She made it clear that she just didn't feel that I loved her and that's what made it hard for her to have sex with me. I later found out from another woman that she told that she was never sexually attracted to me. So I just didn't know what to believe because She would say one thing, than another than another! So darn confusing. I am just HAPPY even though I am GRIEVING this loss to be moving on!

[Pretty Woman]

Anna Blue,

  I can relate to your post. The weird thing is I felt we were more emotionally connected without the sex. The sex was just weird. BPD's do not connect through sex in general (or at all really). I know my ex had another girlfriend who never had sex with her either.

This is a bit intimate but... .she cut herself "down there". She said it was an accident while grooming but I always wonder... .it hung out like a flap of skin she'd call her "penis". I know I should have ran. That is weird, IT was weird and through the years I started to think... .maybe she intentionally cut herself there and this wasn't an accident.

All of this led to me being more turned off. We were a same sex couple. I was worried she might mutilate me as well during sex and render me sexually dysfunctional! They are so unpredictable and truth be told... .I stopped trusting her.

I know this is TMI but I really was afraid.

So why the H E L L did I stay? That's what I'm trying to figure out. Why I would stay with someone I was afraid of and didn't trust.

I've had sex within the past few months and it was NOTHING like with the ex. I could trust this person and wasn't on edge. It was actually, GASP, fun!

[Anise]

The sex died about 10 months in, after we got engaged and I was paying/planning the wedding. It went to once a week, then once every two weeks, to about once every three weeks at the time of the wedding.  We had sex 3 times on our 10 day honeymoon.

For about a year I would try to initiate, and it was always 'I'm too tired" or "I want to watch my show".  I connected the dots a few months ago when our therapist said, "you know, subconciously if we associate our partner with a parent, we don't want to have sex with our partner, because having sex with a parent is icky". 

We haven't had sex since his birthday in May (when I fully realized that he would never initiate and that I deserve to be approached every now and then).  When I hear how he relates to his mom about me and how horrible I am, it's weird seeing how enmeshed they are.  He definitely uses her to triangulate and knowing how unhealthy she is, makes me wonder just how screwed up he is.

He won't ever discuss anything about his childhood other than being perfectly glowing (without details), but a couple stories I have heard make me suspect it was anything but. He's in too much denial to discuss further than that, and will actually get mad at you if you challenge him on it or ask about his happiest childhood memories.

[Corgicuddler95]

It's good to see my situation isn't uncommon especially with the stereotype that BPDs are all crazy in the sheets. I need to acknowledge that the loss of sex was not because of that gap in time because I was at least willing to do something about it but because of her, consciously or subconsciously, not wanting to. I mean I remember her mentioning wanting to explore kinks just a few months ago but how was I supposed to when she was unwilling to even attempt the basics again?

[AnnaBlue917]

Pretty Woman,

So she cut herself down there huh? I would have been afraid too  I wish I could say that we had intimacy outside of the bedroom but that was far and fleeting as well. She lied so much it was hard to differentiate the lies from the truth.

Talk about why did you stay? That's the million dollar question that I am trying to figure out myself. The SEX was AWFUL, The COMMUNICATION was lacking, She was extremely NEEDY, She was attention seeking, She befriended strangers on the internet and would invite them into her home within a matter of weeks of meeting them, I could go on. I am seriously trying to figure out what the pay-off was? I found myself riding by her apartment and I don't even know why. I guess you could say I miss her and I am really trying to figure out what it is that I REALLY MISS?

I feel like my BRAIN is FRIED!

[Pretty Woman]

Anna Blue,

  I drive by my ex's everyday... .I have to go that way to work.

She moved less than a mile from me last January. I so wish she stayed six miles away. Lol.

Mine would do the same thing! Once we were at a pub with our meetup group. She lived across the street. We got back to her place and she tells me this Irish couple she was talking to at the bar wanted to have a threesome with her. She had their number!

The funny thing is I took none of this seriously. I must have some brain damage of my own or major naievity. I told her "you don't have their number?" And she called it. It went to voicemail and it was a man with an Irish brough.

In retrospect maybe she DID have this threesome. I have no idea. I am sure if I checked her cell daily, drove past her house when she wasn't expecting me and logged into her computer maybe I'd know more. Thing is this... .

Who the h e l l wants a relationship like that?  The more I post on here the more confident I feel and the more things come to me I "spliced" out... .to only remember the fleeting good times.

During one breakup she told me a woman had pursued her on Match and she had Herpes. She said she never met her... .how do I know? Then again we got back together in mid January and she gets flowers from this woman on Valentine's Day.

Hmm.

I am relieved we didn't have sex for two years. I know I'm disease free. It just scares me to think about this stuff. They lie so much they could very well put you into a life or death situation.

No relationship is worth that.

[AnnaBlue917]

Pretty Woman,

I don't know if this is some form of withdrawal on my part but I do find myself checking to see if she re-entered back online to any of the groups. I wish I could STOP myself! I guess I should feel good about the fact that I wanted to STOP by her apartment several times going home and I didn't. I drove by there only twice and saw that her car was parked in the parking lot. It took everything in me not to ring her buzzard and ask to come up, but that was if she answered it. I feel like I am some sort of addict here, wanting something that I KNOW IS NOT GOOD FOR ME IN THE LONG-RUN!

As far as diseases, I found out from one of the old board postings that she dated a woman who had herpes and the response from that woman was, "If you haven't had a break out than what are you worried about"  I thought to myself WOW, I need to get my behind to the nearest clinic and make sure that I am totally disease free. Now, she and I rarely had sex when we were together for the obvious reasons I stated earlier. I do know that it only takes one time though. Talk about FEELING LIKE a DUMB-ASS!

The GOOD NEWS is I know longer have to WORRY about her PUTTING ME in HARMS WAY SEXUALLY or OTHERWISE!

I am PRESSING my way through it DAILY and I will tell you, I have my moments when I break down and cry because I still MISS her and LOVE her! I KNOW I NEED TO LOVE ME MORE!

[chill1986]

I had similar.

Before Christmas she couldn't keep her hands off me, then after a small time apart and Xmas passing and me moving in with her there was nothing at all. Barely kissed.

It was weird. I put it down to the stress of us moving to a new house as she was easily unsettled due to issues with housing when younger.

[Gonzalo]

Before Christmas she couldn't keep her hands off me, then after a small time apart and Xmas passing and me moving in with her there was nothing at all. Barely kissed.

My ex- seemed to have a drop in interest when we agreed to move in together, then a plummet once we did move in. We got up to less while living together than we did while living 2 hours apart and only seeing each other most weekends. I did the same thing with assuming it was moving stress, then for a while it was relationship stress, but eventually I realized it was a fairly permanent thing. We were in a poly relationship (both dating other people), and she never had any trouble with interest in other partners. I suspect that was the end of the 'catching' phase, at that point she felt that her hooks were in me so didn't need to worry about doing anything that I liked.

Typically she was turning me down or delaying until a later that never happened, or was obviously not feeling well, or was having a gigantic blow up at me (which kills my libido, how strange  ). At least half the time she was up for it, it really didn't work for me, like 2AM when I need to be to work at 8AM. BPDly, there were two times that she exploded at me about how we were having sex too infrequently, and laid all of the blame on me. Then towards the end I refused to take the blame, and then she said that I was being unrealistic and wasn't taking into account the normal day-to-day things that interfere with your sex life, even though she had blown up at me about it before and we were down to once every 1-3 weeks by the end. She also did some really messed up things, like telling 'OK, you want to do it more often, go for it', then laying on the bed lifelessly.

[chill1986]

Glad I wasn't the only one thinking it was down to moving and interesting you say about the hooks and catching. After you broke up and she no longer had you (and then the catching is over) did she try anything?

I moved out over 5 months ago. I'm still painted black.

[rotiroti]

Thing is this... .

Who the h e l l wants a relationship like that?  The more I post on here the more confident I feel and the more things come to me I "spliced" out... .to only remember the fleeting good times.

You said it sister

[HappyNihilist]

It's good to see my situation isn't uncommon especially with the stereotype that BPDs are all crazy in the sheets.

Corgicuddler, you're right - your situation isn't uncommon in disordered relationships. Or in non-disordered relationships, for that matter. Many couples, BPD or not, experience a decrease in sexual activity as a relationship progresses.

There are any number of possible reasons, really. You mention that your ex had depression? A decreased or even nonexistent libido is common with depression.

Often, intense sex forms a quick bond, and when the bond is secure, the sexual intensity decreases.

This doesn't mean that the sex is necessarily used consciously as some kind of 'hook.' pwBPD have an intense need to bond, and will continue to do things that they have learned through experience will ensure a quick bond (like lots of crazy sex). Also, a bond goes both ways - the intense sex helps them feel like they are bonding with their partner.

I think it's important to look at what it says about us that we were drawn to a person who would use intense sex as a means of holding on to someone. Surely that can't be a sign of emotional health or good judgment?

According to Weiss, when love/sexuality is used as a way to cope, rather than a way to grow and share, partner choice becomes skewed – poor choices are made.  Compatibility becomes based on "whether or not you will leave me", "how intense our sex life is" or "how I can hook you into staying", rather than on whether you might truly become a peer, friend and companion.

These relationships are characterized over time by unhealthy dependency, unhealthy boundaries, guilt and abuse. Convinced of their lack of worth and not feeling truly lovable, some people  will use seduction, control, guilt and manipulation to attract and hold onto romantic partners.

[Gonzalo]

Glad I wasn't the only one thinking it was down to moving and interesting you say about the hooks and catching. After you broke up and she no longer had you (and then the catching is over) did she try anything?

She didn't accept the breakup for a while, and I still don't think she believes that she broke up with me. She did some weird stuff on the way out (couple of major arguments over stupid stuff), but no worse than usual BPD, and took stuff that wasn't really hers in the breakup, but that's probably just regular ex- stuff. She hasn't tried to recycle and doesn't stay in contact beyond coordinating me passing on mail (not even a 'hi' if we run into each other). I think she has learned a better breakup pattern than the 'standard' on this board, I doubt she's going to try to recycle, though she may try to get back in light contact.

[chill1986]

My ex did break up with me and she knows it. I was kicked out of the house so it's hard not to! Although she won't say kicked out and that she said I could stay as long as I wanted until finding somewhere else, but the one night I needed to she got really annoyed about it and said she would have to go and stay with a friend so I didn't bother asking again.

Apart from that our exes sound quite similar, I don't think she will try to recycle me and the only thing we really get in contact about is mail. Her getting annoyed about forwarding it saying it's tedious. I'm putting a post divert on to solve this, so probably won't be hearing from her again.

[SummerStorm]

Mine once said to me, "Sometimes, I'm more sexually attracted to you than to my boyfriend, but not always."  One day, she told me she was going to make me "scream so loud" the next time she stayed over at my house.  That night came, and she told me she just wanted to make out.  We eventually did have sex, but it was completely devoid of emotion. 

[Pretty Woman]

Did anyone have sex WITH emotion? Mine just wanted kinky porn style sex. That was fun at first until she resorted to the bdsm shove my face in a pillow stuff. Once she bit me and I was like, ok no thanks.

In three years we never made love. Ever.

[enlighten me]

That was the biggest turn off for me. At first I thought it was wild and passionate but slowly I started to realise there was no connection. After a while I just felt like a sex toy.

[Pretty Woman]

Enlighten Me... .Exactly! She was very rough and I truly wonder if she was sexually abused. She told me one of her ex's never had sex with her... .just got off on the side of the bed. I have no idea what that means exactly but she said this woman was a good companion and they loved each other.

I met this woman myself. She was very strange but nice. She's with a man now but keeps in touch with our ex.

I truly cannot imagine keeping in touch with my ex and hearing about the new women she will inevitably hurt. She's caused me so much damage from this I can't support seeing her do this to others.

[AnnaBlue917]

At Prettygirl,

Great question, did my ex and I ever make love? Before I answer, let me make you aware of the fact that prior to her I had not been in a relationship for almost three years! I never even dated or had a hook-up of nothing. SO for me it had been a really long time!

As I look back, the answer is absolutely NO!, We wouldn't be 10 minutes, 15 minutes into it and she would lay there or jump up to try a different position or SAY ok that's ENOUGH for NOW this is too much for me, YOU ARE OVERSTIMULATING ME.

I kept thinking What the heck!

This happened just about everytime we had sex. It was so uncomfortable for me that I just told her listen let's not do sex okay? She agreed. She then went onto tell me once that, it was awkward between the two of us because she could not feel my love for her. She said that she felt like I was judging her all the time. She then said that repressed memories of her childhood would start playing like a movie inside her head so this is why she would ask me to stop.

I STOPPED EVERY TIME GLADLY!

Now she had NO PROBLEM saying to me every now and then, "Would you mind kissing me down there?" If it's too much I will let you know. Ask me if she kissed me back? NOO, NOTHING! I got sick of that as well!



There was NO LOVE MAKING what-so-ever! I FEEL SO DARN TRAUMATIZED BY THE ENTIRE EXPERIENCE OF BEING WITH HER THAT I WONDER IF I EVEN KNOW HOW TO MAKE LOVE ANYMORE? WHAT"S THAT?

PRIOR to her, NEVER EVER HAD A PROBLEM IN THAT DEPARTMENT!

[myself]

There's one time for sure I felt it was really intimate for her (me too), not just physical, where we did "make love". I remember she got up to get a drink of water and as I lay there I suddenly started crying, realizing that she would soon withdraw, be mean about it, etc. Which happened later that day, when she broke us up again for a couple of months. I remember seeing the pattern so clearly, as if it was right there in the room (which it was). Being that close with me, so open and trusting, seemed to flip her switch and send her into overload. Sent her right out the door. So opposite of how so many of us felt and acted, and would have appreciated in a partner.

[HappyNihilist]

Being that close with me, so open and trusting, seemed to flip her switch and send her into overload. Sent her right out the door.

myself, this was my experience with 'romantic sex' with my exBPDbf, as well. He couldn't handle being so open, vulnerable, and not in complete control of himself. He wanted to, he tried, but it would just overload him.

I think this is an interesting aspect to explore. It's part of the overall theme of fear of intimacy.

This is a good discussion on BPDs and fear of intimacy - BPD BEHAVIORS: Fear of Intimacy

How does this help us reframe these questions?

How might a fear of intimacy cause the frequency of sex to decrease dramatically from the beginning of the relationship?

How might a fear of intimacy cause a pwBPD to prefer 'role-playing' or disengaged sex over vulnerable, intimate sex?

[apollotech]

There's one time for sure I felt it was really intimate for her (me too), not just physical, where we did "make love". I remember she got up to get a drink of water and as I lay there I suddenly started crying, realizing that she would soon withdraw, be mean about it, etc. Which happened later that day, when she broke us up again for a couple of months. I remember seeing the pattern so clearly, as if it was right there in the room (which it was). Being that close with me, so open and trusting, seemed to flip her switch and send her into overload. Sent her right out the door. So opposite of how so many of us felt and acted, and would have appreciated in a partner.

Myself,

That ^^^^ is my story. Like you Myself, I figured out that my BPDexgf couldn't do intimacy without going into an emotional meltdown. Mine would wait until the next day to rage at me, thereby, busting us up. It'd last about a week, then she'd be back in pull mode; I'd be the greatest! all over again. As you commented, it was the complete opposite of what I had always thought about/expected from a loving and committed relationship. These relationships can't, in my opinion, mature into something deeper.