Does killing them with kindness ever work?

[tunaniel]

Running on empty here! I wish it were possible to go NC with my Mom, but I don't see it happening.  At the moment, it's a temporary solution.  Just when I start to enjoy the respite, I get another inflammatory text; a lecture on relationships, etc.  EVERYTHING she says is meant to bring on fear, obligation or guilt.  It's always baffled me how such an emotionally needy and desperately lonely person can't have the know how on what NOT to say to a person they need in their life.  I guess that's the "I love you, don't leave me"  part of the illness.

Here's a couple samples of texts I received lately. 

"Relationships die without any connections."  Thanks Mom, I'll remember that one. 

"Still too busy for any connections or is there something else going on?"  Um, I'd REALLY love to tell you the truth, but I'm conditioned to KEEP THE PEACE! There's not one argument that I've ever won.  Nor have I ever really been heard.  Never an apology.  I will forever struggle with that.  Isn't an apology a natural thing in human relationships? We all make mistakes; hurt another person's feelings... .And yet, Mom's always the victim.

I get the distinct impression that whatever awkwardness or tension she's created between us (hence my drawing back for some time) she expects ME to correct.  After-all, she's too perfect to be the cause of such discord!

I guess I'm wondering what the good Christian girl is supposed to do in this situation? It reaches a boiling point where I want to tell her EXACTLY what I think; not mince words.  However, the peacemaker in me says to kill her with kindness (which feels like admitting defeat or accepting my role as a passive doormat).  My husband says to continue testing the waters every other day or so... .which I've been doing.  "Hi Mom... .nice weather today.  Are you off to yoga?" The texts filled with subtle threats and accusations keep coming.  How long can this continue for? Is there a chemical imbalance in her that needs to level out?

I envy my brother.  First of all, he's a man.  He's not expected to be her sole confidant/BFF.  Since Dad's death, I've been expected to fill her lonely void.  There's never been any friends in her life.  She makes casual connections all over the place and considers them friends.  And after one of her 'episodes'  with anyone (the neighbor or family friend), she says "strange... .so and so's been acting so funny lately.  I wonder what their problem is."  Hmmm... .I see it clearly now.  SHE'S ALWAYS BEEN THE PROBLEM! She will continue to be the problem!

I have knots all over my shoulders.  Stress headaches.  Emotional exhaustion.  I am focusing on my beautiful family.  Mom's soon going to accuse me of keeping the grandchildren away from her.  I don't trust her! But she's welcome anytime to extend an invite like a normal person... .ask if she can come visit.  Why does she have to make everything so WEIRD! She builds it all up in her crazy head! The thing is... .she's waiting to dump on me, and in order to do that, she needs to have me all to her little needy self.  It's happened time and time again during periods of stress like this.  Once she unloads on me (all my wrong-doings), she feels better and life resumes to normal... .for her, that is. 

I'm praying this blows over soon.  I feel like a coward for continually making up excuses.  "I'm really busy Mom.  It's that time of the year... ."  It's true.  I am busy.  I don't have time for made up problems, for drama, for nursing her ego.  And that's my rant for the day... .Thanks to anyone who's still reading!

[MiserableDaughter]

Hi there,

I just read your response to my other post and we sound like twins! If you get a chance, go back and read some of my posts... .So killing with kindness... .The problem with that is that these mothers are like black holes never to be filled. You can keep trying and trying and maybe one day they are happier but the next day, it's forgotten. You will never get her to change. What if u confronted her? Um. Depends what kind of mom you have but mine fakes cast illnesses, rages like crazy, cries, screams and hurls every hurtful accusation she can. She's always a victim. Poor mom. I'll write more later... .But her behavior has distracted me from my marriage so much, that it's pretty much been ruined. I've been married 13 years and have a 3 year old. I cannot focus on both her and trying to fix my marriage anymore. I don't want to go NC... .Too much guilt. So I am actually moving across the country next month with hubby and kiddo. My dad is still around too. I couldn't do it if she was alone. But they are giving me soo much guilt over it. I guess I saw no other option. I couldn't take the constant roller coaster anymore. It affected me so much and in turn my Husband has been seeing me like this for years so he has gotten so frustrated. So I'm gonna see if living far away will help... .

[Turkish]

It sounds like this dynamic was going on before your dad's passing, is that right?

[HappyChappy]

I wish it were possible to go NC with my Mom, but I don't see it happening.

Your mom does sound very Borderline. Your frustrations sound only natural. I remember in the early stages of NC have exactly the same frustrations. “They don’t apologies” etc... I also had the “Christian” guilt thing helping the F.O.G.

You ask “how long can this continue” well as your mom sound very BPD then her behaviour will probably never change. So this means we have to change. I was in your situation around a year ago. After coming on 2 years of no contact I feel so much better. My BPD still keeps sending threatening and provocative messages, but they don’t have the effect they use to.

I found a combination of self help books, therapist and this website got me there. From what you’re saying, it does sound like you’ve not got the “radical” acceptance stage yet. Took me a while to realise that I thought I understood and accepted, but I hadn’t truly “radically” accepted. When you have you won’t think you can never go NC if you want to.  Also “Killing it with love” sounds great, but your BPD won’t change, so if that’s what you want to do, do it for yourself. It sound like you need to prioratise yourself first right now. Deal with your stress – your BPD can wait, can’t she ? As a priest told me, honour thy mother assumes someone has acted like a mother, and a mother would want you to put your health first, before your BPD. Go treat yourself today.

The administrators on this site, like Turkish,  tend to give very good advice, so keep posting. Wishing you peaces.  

[Auslaunder]

Unfortunately there is no way to prevent someone with BPD from creating emotional drama. It's perfectly OK to tell them you are busy if you don't want to deal with it or you are busy. They will continue cycling and dumping on you forever.

However sometimes I've found it is possible to talk them out of their mood before they go full on waif, witch or melt down crisis. This is only a mitigation technique and doesnt stop the problem. They have poor self esteem so reminding them of their good qualities and how much you and everyone values and loves them reassures them. They also suffer from unrealistic negative impressions of reality, sometimes even paranoia. This isn't how you would be kind to a normal person. Their emotional maturity level is that of a child. For example, they might say, I will never get this job because I'm fat. You can tell them that weight is not a job criteria and they have an excellent resume. In truth, the response I get back is usually still negative but the bad mood is shorter lived. This is just my experience.

If you try to be nice to them and relate as you would to a normal person it doesn't have any effect. They can't remember you asked them if they went to yoga everyday. They will go back and accuse you of never calling. This is a recipe for severe frustration and resentment.