Hi and Help

[Zivali]

Hello! I am a wife and mother, and one of my daughters is autistic.  But i am truly more of a caretaker for my Mom than i am for her.  I am just now seeing that she isn't just quirky or annoying... she's borderline (waif) all the way, and i am in desperate need for coping skills and tools to deal with her emotional manipulations.  I see now that i have been walking on eggshells my whole life to keep her happy, which is of course, an impossible feat.  We should have a good life together in this house (oh, did i mention i am living my worst nightmare, co-habitating with her?), but i am suffering beyond what i can handle.  If i am not seething with resentment over her constantly encroaching on my life, i am bracing myself for her next emotional assault.  I thought i had finally done it, and had a conversation with her about boundaries, and that i need more autonomy.  She of course said all the right things as if miraculously no longer demented... then just doubled up on the next guilt offensive.  So at this point, with things being challenging with my daughter entering a new school grade and me losing me job (!) i have surrendered to her, and just let her get everything freaking thing she wants (which is 24-7 attention, accolades and entertainment from us) because i just cannot go through her emotional blackmailing of me.  I wish i could find a therapist that specializes in this, who can tell me how to not let her mindgames get to me.  I realize i must also harbor deep psychological wounds that should also be addressed.  I cannot kick her out at this time, for financial (but mostly emotional) reasons.  I can't take her fake suicide threats right now.  The burden of being her emotional caretaker is do-able but excruciating for me, and taking its toll.  I should be a happy woman, and it is dawning on me that she is inflicting this on me in some Munchhausen-esque way, needling away at my sanity.  She grew up in chaos, abuse and hate, and the fact that i do not argue with my husband (or her), have made something of myself and *try* to maintain a positive outlook... well, of course she has to destroy that.  I never had a freaking chance.  I oscillate between feeling sad for her (since she has the emotional maturity of an 8-year-old) and loathing her very presence... but at this point i am so weary of her ridiculousness, i just want to NOT CARE any more.  And then i feel guilty.  She wins!

[Kwamina]

Hi Zivali and welcome to bpdfamily

I can understand your cry for help, it can be quite difficult living with a BPD mother. How are your children dealing with your mother's behavior?

I realize i must also harbor deep psychological wounds that should also be addressed.

Many children of BPD parents get damaged on an emotional and psychological level as a result of their childhood. Fortunately there are also things we can do to heal ourselves. To the right of this message board we have the Survivors' Guide for Adults who suffered childhood abuse. The guide takes you from survivor to thriver through 3 major stages:

1. Remembering --> 2. Mourning --> 3. Healing

Each stage consists of 7 steps. When you look at the guide, where do you feel you are? Are there any areas listed there that you currently find yourself working on or struggling with?

When dealing with someone with BPD, boundaries are very important to protect your own well-being and in this case also the well-being of your children. We have an article here that might help you with setting and defending/enforcing boundaries with your mother:

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

I also suggest you take a look at our article about fear, obligation and guilt (FOG). Here's a short excerpt:

... .fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

Would you say your mother uses things such as fear, obligation and guilt to try and control you? You can read more here: Fear, Obligation And Guilt: How We Allow Loved Ones To Control Us

Take care

[HappyChappy]

We should have a good life together in this house (oh, did i mention i am living my worst nightmare, co-habitating with her?), but i am suffering beyond what i can handle... .i have surrendered to her, and just let her get everything freaking thing she wants ... .I wish i could find a therapist that specializes in this, who can tell me how to not let her mindgames get to me.  I realize i must also harbor deep psychological wounds that should also be addressed... .The burden of being her emotional caretaker is do-able but excruciating for me, and taking its toll... .I never had a freaking chance. ... .i just want to NOT CARE any more.  And then i feel guilty.  She wins!

Living with a BPD is extremely hard work so you should get a meddle for what you’re putting up with. So rather than saying you can’t cope, I think you'd find most norms weren't built to cope with this sort of rubbish. BPD techniques are extremely effective at wearing you down over time. Because much of it relies on being able to apply constant pressure, if you weren’t there all the time, that might give you a break.

When I had no choice but to live with her, I simply stayed out of the house for as long as possible. Had all sorts of excuses. You need a break from the constant negativity. Then once that’s done you may build up strength to do the other stuff, like moving out. In terms of a specialist therapist most recently trained ones tend to cover Personality Disorders, so even if they’re not a specialist you’ll probably find they empathies, and understand. Some do free initial session . A Therapist may help to excellerate your recovery, they gave me a shot in the arm when I was low, gave me momentum to then read the self help books (of which there are many “walking on egg shells” being one). But you will always have this website and there are many wise owls on here, especially the Ambassadors. There is a solution and I’m sure you’ll get there, it’s just a question of how long. It does sound like you're gripped by F.O.G. so that might be worth reading up on.  

[Terle]

Oh Zivali... .You are living my worst nightmare too! My uBPD mom has this demented idea of living with me when I get a husband and child - I am at a point where I loathe her so much, I dont plan on telling her when/if i get pregnant!

You say you dont have the strength to cope with this: I think you sound stronger than most, the fact that you ARE coping fx by seeking help in here. Its amazing. Children from normal families have no idea what we go through, and they sure wouldnt be able to handle this as well as u are.

I wish you had an option of getting away from her, fysically. Is there no option? Sounds like you are deep in the FOG, and you need to get out ASAP. I still talk to my mum out of guilt and obligation, but I am stopping now, since it has never made my life any better and she sure as hell hasnt gotten better either. 

Please write me if you need to talk, i am on here a lot.