Need advice regarding PTSD

[lucylou]

Hi  I wanted to ask the group if any of you have PTSD and can it occur in different situations? .

I have social anxiety disorder and get triggered into what I believe is a PTSD response if anyone tries to attack ridicule,criticize, harm or humiliate me. Also I get triggered by moody personalities, they can really throw me off guard. Two weeks ago I had a difficult customer on Ebay and had received an unpleasant email from this buyer. After reading it I completely shut down and could not gather my thoughts. I paced up and down and manically cleaned the work tops in the kitchen, all as a way of coping with the feelings of shame etc. My mind was awash with lots of self punishing thoughts etc. My ears were ringing, and whole body tensed up etc. This went on for several hours, however my body took well over a week to completely calm down.  Sometimes if someone really upsets me I can just sit in the chair and stare into space and completely shut down. I feel now that this is most likely PTSD.

Two years ago I developed a terrible fear of giving birth to my 5th baby. I can only describe it as being a temporary Tocophobia. I ended up requesting to have an elective c section as I was so frightened of having another shoulder distocia and also because i feared being restricted in the delivery room or of things getting out of control again. The psychologist at the mental health clinic told me I did not have Tocophobia and i had to fight for them to agree to an elective C section. I do not fully understand why delivering baby number 5 became so frightening although I had been through a difficult time during pregnancy but it was not related to the pregnancy itself, it was because of another traumatic event . I dont know if this is a common experience with PTSD for phobias to come on suddenly where none had previously existed.  

What I wanted to ask is can PTSD get triggered in any situation then that reminds us of a traumatizing experience? ie if i am restricted and cannot escape, or someone tries to harm me,  it triggers a PTSD response regardless of whether its in the hospital, or someone who was has been abusive ? I mean I seem to have numerous situations and phobias that can cause a PTSD response  and I want to know if  they are all really a symptom of PTSD?  I hope that makes sense



I struggle with getting my difficulties across with therapists and often underplay my problems and this hasnt helped me to get the right help or a diagnosis. Also when I dont feel heard by the therapists or when they dismiss my legitimate concerns I am left feeling frustrated, angry and unheard again. It replays the pattern of having parents and teachers who never took my issues seriously. I hope this time it will be different as I am waiting for a referral but I am actually quite scared that they will not tell me I have PTSD and this in itself will be another negative experience. Any insights would be welcome  Thanks    

[Sunfl0wer]

I have PTSD and it can be pretty much as you describe lucylou.

(However, my physiological symptoms feel different.  I do not feel squeezing on my arms, but relate to all the rest.)

There are people, that I am more sensitive around than others.  I can just tell by their tone and attitude that I will need to be cautious. 

I also can completely shut down.  This is one of my least favorite symptoms.  While I have had the PTSD all my life, (I have been told that even as an infant I avoided certain things due to trauma) this is one symptom I have only realized was related to PTSD recently when I was reading on this site about the three responses: fight, flight, & freeze.  So I identify my "shutting down" to stress as a freeze response now.

My phobias do not come on suddenly, however, depending on the level of overall general stress and anxiety, the seem to be able to lay dormant, and then resurface.  I sometimes can forget about a trigger for years, then it can come back... .depending on what is going on in my life.

I don't mean this in a derrogatory way, however, my T said all triggers are about control.  I had to really think about that statement... .as it almost offended me.  It is true tho.  When I feel safe, and my enviornment feels in control, my triggers can be non existent.  The level and amount of things that trigger me is directly proportionate to the degree I feel things are not controlled in some way.  (I by no means have OCD).

When my BF was considerate and sensitive to me the first year, I felt safe and protected.  As he appeared unpredictable and able to vent at me in ways I didn't understand, my trigger buttons became sensitive again.  My triggers also increase as my overall sense of "needing to protect myself" increases.

My thoughts and communication is sometimes disorganized.  I hope something was helpful.  My PTSD can be non existent, or plain awful... .it just depends.

[Sunfl0wer]

What I wanted to ask is can PTSD get triggered in any situation then that reminds us of a traumatizing experience? ie if i am restricted and cannot escape, or someone tries to harm me,  it triggers a PTSD response regardless of whether its in the hospital, or someone who was has been abusive ? I mean I seem to have numerous situations and phobias that can cause a PTSD response  and I want to know if  they are all really a symptom of PTSD?  I hope that makes sense 

Yes.  PTSD does not need a particular environment to trigger.  A trigger can be a feeling, a smell, an emotional reaction that we are having towards something.  It can also be something observed in the environment.

[HappyChappy]

Both your accounts sounds extremely familiar. I also shut down, but then I do suffer from dissociation, which is similar. I’m not surprised lucylou that you get trigged by being humiliated. I also get PTSD to the point I’m shaking with adrenaline when I think I’m under attack. Mine is exclusively linked to types of narcisstic behaviour and I note apart from the Pregnancy issues, the examples you give lucylou are too.

However PTSD is a fear thing, and BPD love to attack when we’re at a low. So that assumes whenever you feel vulnerable (such as pregnant) you’re most susceptible to PTSD. As Sunfl0wer also alludes to, if you reduces stress this may help reduce triggers. Works for me.

I’ve often read the two main prescribed illness in children of BPD parents are eating disorders and PTSD. If you struggle to get things over to your Therapist, find one that specialises in PTSD (but not just Armed forces PTSD). There’s Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, there’s this new thing called “tapping” but that may just focus on a one off bad event. Also chewing gum helps me (forget the science behind it). Hope this helps.  

[Sunfl0wer]

Btw...   I tried the tapping, it worked.  I witnessed a traumatic car accident and used tapping each time I had to drive past that area.  There is a free online packet.  I actually came across my printed copy last night cleaning.  I'll find the link later if you like.

Also...   I chew gum every day.  Helps me feel calmer... .and think.  I think it has an organizing effect on the nervous system, i cant remember exactly tho either.

[Auslaunder]

Hi Lucy Lou,

I think that I have PTSD because I got flash backs of my sexual abuse for a year and started having many social anxieties. I even spit in my ex boyfriends face when he grabbed my arm during an argument. Im not been able to get diagnosed because I also have POTS which is a nervous system disorder that causes my body to produce too but adrenaline and everything gets blamed on that. Its very frustrating when therapists dont understand or minimize your suffering.

I have medical PTSD among other problems so I can relate to your fear about your pregnancy. It's possible to avoid the doctor except when you are so sick and vulnerable you can't control anything they do. It makes me insanely anxious! I have checked myself out of the hospital Against Medical Advice once. I try to make sure I really like and trust any doctors I use and make sure my charts stay up to date. These are tricks to reduce anxiety in the hospital: teddy bear, fuzzy blanket, bring favorite shampoo, lotion, face wash, perfume from home with a pleasing and familiar scent- the antiseptic smell is a huge trigger for me- bring head phones and recordings of relaxing music and favorites, try to talk to your visitors even if it's hard, text your friends or play a computer game, pray, bring your computer and watch or read what you normally do. I bring food from home because my diet is very complicated, you need special permission but a meal from home is soothing too. I have a noise machine too. I hope these might help if you have the problem in the future.

[lucylou]

Thank you so much Sunflower  .  When you mentioned about your BF WOW that hit a cord with me. That is myself and  husband to a tee. I realize he is actually contributing to triggering me when he critical etc. I think i have recreated a pattern in this relationship as I do walk on eggshells with him at times. He does not have a PD and he is generally very good to myself and children but (theres always a but ) he fails to understand my moods and gets frustrated when I dont get much done in the house all day. Sometimes its all i can manage just to put the washing out etc especially if I am triggered or upset. He sees this as laziness but its because I am lost in my own little world of memories.  I know I bore him with my constant talk of PD etc and I am frightened now to mention if i am not ok. I guess it is not an ideal marriage but I would not want to lose him either as he has many good points .   

I can definitely say yes to the control thing. I do need control to feel safe and the hospital of course takes away all your control. Thank you Auslander for your advice re visiting hospitals. I am exactly the same regarding the smell. Also needles and blood and hospital equipment make me panic. I especially hate being restrained, even for bloods. It makes me want to run away. I was terrified of having the C Section operation but on the other hand I feared more the baby getting caught up on the way out or some other unexpected situation happening where my life or the babies life would be in danger. The staff were not supportive in the delivery room and I feared no help would come at the crucial moment.  The midwives misdiagnosed obstetric cholestatis in my third pregnancy even when i had told them I was itching all over etc. Luckily they rushed me in and induced the baby at 38 weeks. The second delivery I had the shoulder dystocia and my son came out not breathing because i was allowed to go 14 days over. Baby number 4 was ok but of course painful. I think what angers me the most is when you tell professionals your concerns and they are dissmissive. I knew each time when i was not feeling right and my worries were ignored. This broke my trust and took away my control.

Happy chappy yes I agree about the dissociation, I think that is exactly what I am doing too.  I dont know if we can get help for this or not? or if you have found anything helpful? I find I cannot turn off the on button when my body goes into fight or flight mode. It lasts for days and days.I will investigate the tapping  Sunflower  

I find it so interesting how these memories can all of a sudden present a huge obstacle where before they were kind of managable although not pleasant. I guess  from what you are saying Sunflower that PTSD in child hood can just present it self  in any form at the right moment. I am so thankful to know this as I can now  get my head around it more and it makes a lot of sense. I have been treating my phobias as separate entities when actually they are all PTSD. I hope that is right?

Just to add I was a bed wetter as a child and my parents told me that I had a weak bladder like my father. I now see this as a PTSD response and evidence that I was very troubled.I was left with a lot of shame regarding this issue as my mother didnt change my sheets etc. I remember doing it myself from about 7 years of age. She never got her lazy backside out of bed in the middle of the night to change my sheets . I am still conscious of smelling of urine even today and dont like people to get to close to me because of this.  I dont remember being a carefree child at all. I was always a worrier looking for things in my environment that might be unexpected. And unfortunately when a child is left unsupervised bad things tend to happen.  Like many of you here my parents were both very moody and unpredicatable, unloving and unsupportive so those kinds of people are very triggering and i go to great lengths to avoid people with these personalities.

One of the saddest things about what I have been through is I tend to find it difficult to allow my older children to get close to me. I fear anyone getting in my personal space and I start to panic and feel overwhelmed like i need to get away. Also when people keep me talking i get the same feeling. It is so uncomfortable and intense that I feel like i want to burst in to tears. I guess it is control again and needing to take it back. I will never forget when I breastfed my third son I had the same feeling. I so desperately wanted to breast feed as i had such allergy problems with my second son and i wanted to avoid any more issues with my other children. I cried through the first few breast feeds because it felt so wrong and so alien to allow this natural process of a baby to feed from his mother. I know some of that was body shame but it was also not being in control. I persevered and actually began to enjoy feeding after this, but my God it felt like I was being abused  :'(. I wanted to scream and cry and push him off me. I find this response very very interesting and a snapshot into my trauma.     

Thank you all for your useful suggestions. I will do more research. I am reading Peter Levines book at the moment. Its good but a bit heavy in places I cant take too much jargon. Many thanks and all the best     

[lucylou]

I just wanted to add that, although i feel uncomfortable with people being in close bodily contact for long periods. Short periods are ok I do give my children physical love especially my youngest daughter and my older daughter and I tell them I love them etc. One of my biggest fears has been passing on the damage to my own children and I threw myself into reading about how to interact normally with my children and how to meet their needs at different ages. I am not a  mother who is really demonstrative,although I am trying and hope that after more therapy I can beat my fear of intimacy. Like many of us I didnt receive   normal loving words or experiences.With my older boys I will put my hand on their arm or shoulder just so they know i am there for them and listen when they have a problem. They are 15 , 16 and 20 now so a bit beyond cuddles. I also explained to them  that I have PTSD and that makes me react in different ways. I am determined that I will break this pattern for the next generation. If I can achieve it in my life time then that will have been a life well lived.