Talked to boyfriend, had a panic attack

[Daniell85]

Spoke briefly to boyfriend through chat in the game.  I was not really interested in doing it, since it's his control issue. Conversation was brief, about 3-4 lines of text each. I began to have a panic attack.

What we were talking about was innocuous, so no conflict. I couldn't stay, though. In these games, conversations can go very slow, as people play while they talk. Apparantly to him, this was not an "important" conversation, so he was slow to respond. I couldn't stay. The sitting there waiting for a response, feeling the panic rising. So I ended the conversation and logged out.

Meanwhile, I feel troubled. He has stopped the one on one recreational stuff with other women. The practice group for his Frisbee stuff has broken off into a smaller group of about 5-6 people and that girl is among them. I don't like it, but I am not sure that it is fair of me to feel that way.

Otherwise, he has added the affair girl back as a friend on social site.  I am still blocked on one account. I have the other he knows about, he hasn't blocked me. I still have him sitting on Skype with a contact request, which I have not accepted.

He is doing something additional that I am uncomfortable with: the widow of his brother, who has two kids... .he has been going over on weekends and spending time there. Overnights. His sister in law is very clingy, and demands a ton of support, which he has been giving, financially. And he says he feels responsible to step in as a male figure.

In the past, his sister in law has been pretty rude to me. She told me she feels he should get rid of me and take care of his family. She did indicate a romantic interest in him, which he is aware of. The lady is eastern European, very old fashioned and implied she felt he should marry her or something.

She actually had the nerve to say to me recently that since he is not getting sex, and a man should have sex every day, SHE is an obvious solution!


I think I mentioned her prior.

So basically, the situation continues to be very messy, and I feel boundaries just aren't there.

Every time I think of how he has me blocked and is being all controlling while he is ignoring how I feel, I really have 2 reactions: anger and panic and wanting to tell him off... .or complete absence and silence.

I am grateful for any comments or advice.

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[123Phoebe]

So basically, the situation continues to be very messy, and I feel boundaries just aren't there.

Every time I think of how he has me blocked and is being all controlling while he is ignoring how I feel, I really have 2 reactions: anger and panic and wanting to tell him off... .or complete absence and silence.

I am grateful for any comments or advice.

Ugh, it does sound messy.

How about getting in super good touch with your own values and the boundaries you will uphold to protect those values? 

Sorry to hear you began to have a panic attack   Did you start feeling better once you stepped away?  Take care of yourself

[Daniell85]

The panic attack escalated once I stepped away. I sat with it for a while... half an hour and it wasn't getting any better, so I took an Ativan and lay down for a while. This may sound kind of like poor panic attack management, but I guess it's better than what often happens, which is I keep trying to talk to him and the panic gets anger added to it and I end up in a big blow out.

I decided to occupy myself elsewhere some more. Obviously I can't cope with him still.

The thing with the values... he has this stubborn streak where he knows what is healthy and what isn't, but he disregards it to "show" me he can do whatever he wants. I have told him I already know he can do whatever he wants. But if he wants me there, the environment has to be a healthy/safe one. Otherwise I can't be there.

He refuses to respond and have a conversation about it. His solution is for me to suck it up and "earn" my way back into him unblocking me when HE feels "safe". We have been through this dozens of times. Eventually once he is sure I know situation is all my fault, he unblocks and starts acting healthier and THEN I start getting what I need and what is "safe" until he really pulls a doozy and I show some upset about it and then BAM he is enraged and blocks me and, etc... .

I am guessing that at the point where he is back to us and before he does some damaging thing, is where typically here in the site I could be helped to work through situations.

I am frankly just so exhausted from the recycles, the projecting and making me out as some horrible person while he keeps on doing all of the problem things... .that I just can't make myself take the opening he is offering and working from there. Part of it is because it won't just take a couple of days or weeks. It will be MONTHS where his criteria is I never show any negative response to his stuff until HE decides I past The Test again.

It's been soul wrenching to me. I am like Sisyphus pushing the rock up the hill for all eternity. I have lost heart even though I care. Just tired out