Feeling Blue and stuck in negative thinking

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi Everyone,

I am about 18 days out of NC after being dumped for well you know the _th time.  Feeling pretty down today and  ruminating about what she is doing and if she even misses me. I feel like reaching out but I know that will only bring more rejection and pain and I have to remain strong.  Just feeling alone and depressed.  

I see things so much clearer now, I can't believe That I allowed this to happen to me for 4.5 years and how I couldn't see it, I think it's that part that causes the depression and remorse... .I feel like I was the one mentally ill and just woke up to the fact that I have been living a fantasy for 4.5 years and I could have avoided it if I only had... .

Anyone feel similar when you went NC after being dumped.

Stuck in negative thinking and need some positivity to get out of it

Thanks

[ridefast]

Hi Everyone,

I am about 18 days out of NC after being dumped for well you know the _th time.  Feeling pretty down today and  ruminating about what she is doing and if she even misses me. I feel like reaching out but I know that will only bring more rejection and pain and I have to remain strong.  Just feeling alone and depressed.  

I see things so much clearer now, I can't believe That I allowed this to happen to me for 4.5 years and how I couldn't see it, I think it's that part that causes the depression and remorse... .I feel like I was the one mentally ill and just woke up to the fact that I have been living a fantasy for 4.5 years and I could have avoided it if I only had... .

Anyone feel similar when you went NC after being dumped.

Stuck in negative thinking and need some positivity to get out of it

Thanks

[Tangy]

I replied on your other post, but I'll just paste what I said here.


hey ridefast,

Just want to say I'm sorry you're going through this right now, but this board can be of great help.

I am almost to two months NC and it has gotten a lot better, but I still get those feelings you described some days. The most common feelings I get that you described are those of feeling upset with myself for allowing the behavior for so long. The wondering if he misses me has died down a little. I believe he does, but he will not allow himself to reach out for many reasons. And I know I miss him like heck some days and I am certainly not reaching out... .so the act of not reaching out really has nothing to do with whether you are missed I would say.

I think the best advice I have is to take care of yourself. I am pretty impressed with how far I've come in two months (after being in a 3 yr relationships and in the middle of planning a wedding and then dumped for the second time). I absolutely have stuck to NC (except the few times we had to email about mutual bills). I have only logged onto facebook a total of like 3 times in two months... .and of those 3 times not once have I looked him up. I don't ask our mutual friends what they know and they don't tell me.

I also put myself on sort of a schedule... .

the first two days I didn't get out of bed

days 3-7 I forced myself to go to work but didn't force myself to be too present. I just kind of existed.

days 7-21 I worked, but allowed myself to go to the bathroom as needed to cry... .

and eventually I didn't have to make too many rules about work because it started to get a little better.

I have 2 safe friends that understand the level of what happened as well as my Family of Origin Issues and they let me talk til Im blue in the face and let me repeat myself over and over and over as needed.

When I need to cry deeply, I allow myself to feel like a victim (because I was as a child and that is where a lot of this intense pain comes from in my opinion) but once I am done sobbing, I repeat truths to myself... .such as: "I did not deserve this behavior and I should have left and I don't have to put up with it anymore, nor will I put up with it anymore. I deserve to live my life and be happy and have fun etc... " It took some time to be able to say those things. In other words, once my cry spells are over I promptly get out of victim mode.

I also get out and do things with my friends A LOT. When he and I were together I was really isolated... .and now I actually have energy for people and its really relieving to be around them and have fun. Tonight I have a night in and I notice the demons creeping up a little... .thus on this boarding wanting to help others as well as myself.

It will get better... .but like any wound, you have to nurse it properly. Posting on here is a great outlet.

[joeramabeme]

Hi Everyone,

I am about 18 days out of NC after being dumped for well you know the _th time.  Feeling pretty down today and  ruminating about what she is doing and if she even misses me. I feel like reaching out but I know that will only bring more rejection and pain and I have to remain strong.  Just feeling alone and depressed.  

I see things so much clearer now, I can't believe That I allowed this to happen to me for 4.5 years and how I couldn't see it, I think it's that part that causes the depression and remorse... .I feel like I was the one mentally ill and just woke up to the fact that I have been living a fantasy for 4.5 years and I could have avoided it if I only had... .

Anyone feel similar when you went NC after being dumped.

Stuck in negative thinking and need some positivity to get out of it

Thanks

Hey ridefast, I can relate to much of what you are asking about here.  Much of this type of thinking has gotten better for me, but I still have moments.

To me, regrets about what I could have done differently are like a baseball bat that I hit myself over the head with and get a perverse sense of pleasure about.  I have done it 1,000+ times despite the negative feelings that result.  It is that persistent asking why I did or did not do such and such.  It never gets an answer and it can go one for weeks if not months.

I now see all this in a different light.  When I was "stuck" in the r/s, I wasn't really "stuck"; it was just that the growth I was experiencing from all the incidents was incremental - measured in millimeters - not feet or yards.  In retrospect, having gained enough millimeters to equal yards of growth I think why did I let that go on for so long.  But the real truth is that this is the amount of time it took me to grow into my present understanding.  

If I use today's yardstick to measure yesterday's growth I am just going to give myself a whole lot of bruises.  Instead, give yourself a round of applause.  This crap is hard.  You are here.  That is massive!  I am sure there are many more people who need this than know it is available.  We are the ones who have a good measure of mental health.  That comment goes directly to your question about the same.  There is nothing wrong with your mental health.  Take it as an article of faith that we here of BPD Family have been where you are and come through knowing the truth of that statement.

Keep posting - you will see it all more clearly as time goes by and the FOG begins to lift.  I know I will be here reading, posting and recovering.