Feeling Better, but now what?

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Hey All,

Think I have achieved a couple important milestones; mostly acknowledging that there was no way that I would have been happy in my marriage and that my wife has serious problems with BPD traits that I spent far too long not accepting. I was energized while going through this healing/discovery process, but now that I have acknowledged this and some time has passed, the happiness of my healing is beginning to be superseded with the feeling that I do not know what the point of all this is anyway? 

OK, so my 2bx is an emotional mess of a person, I am not to blame, she has moved on blah-blah-blah... .  My head could go on and on... .  But now what the hell I am supposed to do?  Seriously, I go to work and think; why bother?  I will pay a bunch of bills and get into a 2 day weekend, try to fill my time with something that feels good, start the work week again and then repeat. 

I have met a couple women that claim they are looking for a r/s, but they are clearly unavailable and just like to gripe about men.  I have zero tolerance for angry women (sorry ladies - no offense meant).  Honestly, this is part of why I held onto my marriage for so long, single can suck.  Yes, I know there are other interests, but somehow I am not interested which I guess makes me less attractive to others and on it goes.

I am not saying I don't like the sunshine and the nice parts of my life, but after going through all this I just wonder, what the hell is the purpose of it all anyway.  Why bother?

Anyone relate?  What do you do about it?

[joeramabeme]

Hey All,

Think I have achieved a couple important milestones; mostly acknowledging that there was no way that I would have been happy in my marriage and that my wife has serious problems with BPD traits that I spent far too long not accepting. I was energized while going through this healing/discovery process, but now that I have acknowledged this and some time has passed, the happiness of my healing is beginning to be superseded with the feeling that I do not know what the point of all this is anyway? 

OK, so my 2bx is an emotional mess of a person, I am not to blame, she has moved on blah-blah-blah... .  My head could go on and on... .  But now what the hell I am supposed to do?  Seriously, I go to work and think; why bother?  I will pay a bunch of bills and get into a 2 day weekend, try to fill my time with something that feels good, start the work week again and then repeat. 

I have met a couple women that claim they are looking for a r/s, but they are clearly unavailable and just like to gripe about men.  I have zero tolerance for angry women (sorry ladies - no offense meant).  Honestly, this is part of why I held onto my marriage for so long, single can suck.  Yes, I know there are other interests, but somehow I am not interested which I guess makes me less attractive to others and on it goes.

I am not saying I don't like the sunshine and the nice parts of my life, but after going through all this I just wonder, what the hell is the purpose of it all anyway.  Why bother?

Anyone relate?  What do you do about it?

[Tangy]

Oh yeah... .definitely related... .

its a type of anhedonia... .or nihilism I feel like... .

I spent so much time with him on edge never knowing what was coming... .living for the highs... .that it sort of became an addiction and then when he was gone I was very much left with what is the point. I was even there earlier this week. It comes and goes for me now rather than dominating.

I decided to read "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl which I had been putting off for some time (i've had the book for awhile)

The point is this... .I think that without her... .you now aren't entirely sure what your purpose is... .Even though I feel like I know what I want out of my life... .there are time where I'm angry because I wanted to do it with him... .so now I'm like... .what's the point? But usually I get out of it... .I would say this is pretty normal and may be related to some depression you're experiencing post relationship. I'm not sure that I really added anything of how to solve it... .but I felt like that book was very good and inspired me to want to create meaning for my life.

[disillusionedandsore]

Hi Joe,  yes I can understand how Life can seem ho hum,  same ole same ole I felt that way,  on and off too at different stages during the first year post b/up.  I would try to challenge myself to snap out of it by finding even one 'new' thing to bring into my day, perhaps it was buying a new food product at the store,  taking a different route,  starting a conversation with a stranger...  just something to expand my world an teeny tiny bit,  from the just-me-now monontony that it had seemed to become... .

I mentally had a list of all the things I really wanted to do during r/s or before that never got supported or tried... .I started with some of those, I started conversations with people about these things, I found like minded souls it felt good,  I have learnt a lot.  I am exercising my power to create the Life of my dreams! I affirm daily that "the universe supports me in all I do" and I find that to be increasingly true!

I guess for me,  I believe we create our own meaning and happiness and that's the point.  

Best to you.

[hopealways]

Ahh Joe but you have yet to reach the most important milestone of them all: to be content an happy with only yourself.  You have yet to find the joy of being alone, and only then will you have completely healed. It will come, just be patient and allow yourself to feel the pain and heal.And remember, being alone and lonely are separate things.

[SGraham]

I am not saying I don't like the sunshine and the nice parts of my life, but after going through all this I just wonder, what the hell is the purpose of it all anyway.  Why bother?

Anyone relate?  What do you do about it?

I get what you are saying, it is the sort of "where do i go from here?" effect. It's like even carying on with your life seems pointless, i've been there, and honestly still get there sometimes. I think one thing that really helps me is to try and move away from thinking about finding meaning in my life on a grandiose scale and move toward thinking about it as a daily thing - the task seems much more manageable that way.

[once removed]

when i was at my worst, i had a conversation with my mother. i expressed my fear of, i think i called it, the "empty normalcy" that i imagined ahead of me. she told me that that was actually quite likely.

a lot of aspects of recovery are a leap of faith. many of the best things to do in the moment arent going to solve your pain, or fill up your life over night. it feels productive, it feels better than where we were, but it feels empty. we want results. i had one bad breakup where my life blossomed over night, i was happy, i met lots of people, had all kinds of new friends... .i expected the same results after the BPDex and it didnt happen the way i imagined.

when it comes to a leap of faith, you are laying out stepping stones. normalcy, routine, its all progress. youre looking at the weekend instead of the day to day pain.

it takes time to build a fulfilling life, it takes that foundation of boring, empty normalcy. you get tired of it. you may get anxious with it. so when it becomes normal and routine, you build on it. however you can, and to whatever extent you feel like. this part tends to take longer, but its all part of the process and the leap of faith. youre doing it right so far joeramabeme, your progress is evident. trust in it  .

[enlighten me]

Hi Joe

I get it. Whats the point? I too have felt like this. I wallowed in self pity for a while (not saying you are). I went from a failed marriage with my uBPD wife then got involved with an exgf from twenty years previous. She was my first love and the person every woman after had to match up to. After 2 1/2 years with her the last 18 months being hell I realised that I had wasted my life using her as the benchmark. She wasn't special. She lied, cheated, used and abused. She was in a way the nastiest person I had ever met. What was the point of all those wasted years.

As hope always said you need to feel content and happy with yourself. I feel that way now. I realise that I don't need someone to complete me. By filling a gap with someone else we aren't completing ourselves all we are doing is patching ourselves up. Yes I do miss intimacy but it doesn't drive me like it used to. I was almost desperate to meet someone in the past but now if it happens then it happens. If not then I will get on with my life and head towards my dream of saving up enough to buy my house in the country and renovate it.

Sometimes in life there are things that seem pointless. They are only pointless if you don't take anything away from them. Whats the point of running a marathon when you spend hours getting hot and sweaty and going through the pain only to end up where you started? Whats the point in risking your life parachuting from a plane if its going to land anyway?